it's been a while,
stringing words to unravel the mind.

picking up the pen again,
the familiar feeling of secrets shared,

like exhaling after holding your breath
for a couple seconds too long,

i missed you, old friend.

I can't remember much. Just stray threads and patches of mismatched fabric that will never find its place within my cluster of thoughts.*
Now all that remains are echoes of ancient conversations and whispers of drowsy lullabies. Because memories dull, as memories do, when time goes on. I had once hated it, the way it continued on, as if she was still here and everything was still okay. As if nothing interesting enough or important enough happened for it to falter. She was the epitome of interesting, the definition of important. But now I am humbled and appreciative of its regularity, its security - time will go on no matter what happens. I suppose you can say I found equal parts torture and salvation in time itself.

I can't remember much. Just stray threads and patches of mismatched fabric that will never find its place within my cluster of thoughts.
But I remember she had flowers on her boots and lashes that curled upwards. Her eyes were dark brown, so dark that they looked almost black. She was afraid of thunder and isolation. Her hair smelled of peppermint and she always had some poem, some song lyric dancing on her lips, waiting for the right time to emerge, bursting with personal emotions and relief. Her sky-scraping beauty was the least of her. *She was the moon who loved the Sun instead of the night sky.

I cannot remember how we met or when we first held hands.
I cannot fathom the names of her parents or her best friend's hair color.

But I remember that she - she was the meaning of Love.

*I do not love her, for she was Love herself.

“I can’t wait to share lives with you, and go grocery shopping with you and have you offer to carry my books and go on picnics with you and go for two a.m. coffee hunts with you and to be able to kiss you whenever I want and to be able to hold you whenever I want and to be able to crawl into your arms after a long day and to have you hold me after I've had one of my breakdowns until I fall asleep. I can't wait to be able to see you every morning sitting on our couch with coffee and a smile. I can't wait to have you surprise me with flowers for no reason and to have you leave cute notes for me all over the house and to fill your thoughts every hour of the day, the way you fill mine. I can't wait to have you shower me with little kisses and surprise me with bear hugs and spoil me with your genuine love. I can't wait to be the part of your life you can't shut up about, I can't wait for you to show me off to your friends and to have you be proud of me. I can't wait for you to be in love with every part of me as I am with every part of you. I can't wait to wear your shirts and breathe you in after I've had one of my little fits. I can't wait to be the reason you are functioning and alive, the way you are mine. I can’t wait to massage your neck after a long day at work or have you tell me what you found interesting about physics class and spontaneously slow dance after an argument and spend a lazy afternoon in bed with you playing with my hair and me playing with your fingers. I can't wait to be the one you collapse against, after a challenging day of training. I can't wait to be the one kissing you and hugging you and supporting you after every basketball game and every race and every marathon. I can't wait to hug your sweaty body and grab your slippery face and kiss your lips so hard that you can ******* adoration and love for you. I can’t wait to start a family with you and to see you look at what we have and I can’t wait to grow old with you, even if I know you don’t love me back anymore.”

Now I’m here with only four months under my belt while she had four years.

Four lifetimes.

For you.

I've never been one to stay still,
there was always one hang nail to pick on,
one loose thread to tug.

I like laughing,
I love the way it bubbles up from my stomach to my throat.
Especially when it's caused by you.

I was never good with words under pressure.
I never knew how to phrase myself, so that you knew what I was trying to say.
I'd always trip over my tongue; always too many syllables, always too little breath.

You always knew, though.
What I was trying to say.

You'd hold my hands when I'm picking at my nail beds;
You'd clasp them and I'd be still.
Resting on your shoulder, breathing in the rhythm of your heart beats.

You'd smile your silly smile when I laughed.
You'd say, "your laughter tastes like butterscotch!"
I'd say, "but you don't like butterscotch."
"I like butterscotch now."

You never had to decipher my staccato mumblings to understand me.
You knew that my "I like holding your hands," looked a lot like "I love you" when held under the light.

He was never one to speak his feelings,
always a stony façade,
Never frequent "I miss you's",
but rather, "Please don't be late."

But once in a while, there are cracks in his armor,
an off-guard laugh or a secret smile,
his eyes would shine as he thinned his lips,
I'm always hoping he'd laugh for a while.

He has funny ways of showing me he cares,
like always making sure I'm never cold,
I quite like his shy, boarded up exterior,
you take what you get in this world.

"Darling," I'd whisper, as he held onto my hand,
and his consciousness drifted into night,
"It's okay that your 'Text me when you get home's"
look like 'I love you's" when I hold it to the light.

When my eyes find you in a crowd,
my heart can't help but stop,
Then I see her not far behind,
my heart, it plummets, it drops.

You tell me you are better as friends,
yet her iciness says you're not,
four years you loved her, now no more
but it seems she hasn't stopped.

I am your sun, you say to me,
but it seems she is your night,
you are the middle, I am the left
and she's always the right.

I see her in all we do,
she trails us like a silhouette,
your bed, your room, your passenger seat,
is there anywhere she hasn't been yet?

I laugh with you in your tiny kitchen,
and out your window I look,
just two nights ago she was where I am,
thinking of what to cook.

I am in your bed and in your arms
yet somehow it feels so wrong,
like I am the intruder in her space,
it feels like I don't belong.

You love me, and I believe you,
but I believe my fears even more,
love never ceases, never leaves,
so how could it stop at four?

You say you're okay, the break up was fine,
there is no need to fret,
of course you're okay, you never had to grieve
because she never left.

She knows you inside-out, I understand
both of you grew up together,
I just think, since she's your past,
she must also be your future.

I'm so afraid I'm temporary,
like in those movies and songs,
about how best friends fall in love
and everyone else is wrong.

I'm so afraid I'm a mere pit stop,
a temporary lapse in judgement,
the final interruption, the last mistake
before you return to her temptation.

I know I said I'd never make you choose,
how could you lose a friend?
But as time goes on, I grow wearier,
and things get harder to mend.

She'll be here for every birthday,
for every big event,
it's hard to wrap my head around
how I'm not your biggest fan.

Circumstances decided they didn't like us,
but we made it this far anyway,
like the pieces of home I found in you,
I hope you decide to stay.

Four years, I remind you, til she chose to leave,
while you stayed in your room and cried,
four years is what I have to live up to,
I try, I'm trying, I tried.

When my eyes find you in a crowd,
my heart can't help but stop,
Then I see her not far behind,
my heart, it plummets, it drops.

You tell me you are better as friends,
yet her iciness says you're not,
four years you loved her, now no more
but it seems she hasn't stopped.

I am your sun, you say to me,
but it seems she is your night,
you are the middle, I am the left
and she's always the right.

You love me, and I believe you,
but I believe my fears even more,
love never ceases, never leaves,
so how could it stop at four?

I see her in all we do,
she trails us like a silhouette,
your bed, your room, your passenger seat,
is there anywhere she hasn't been yet?

You're behind the wheel, hand on my knee,
but when you two meet,
you both get lost in reminiscing your past,
and it feels like I'm in the backseat.

I laugh with you in your tiny kitchen,
and out your window I look,
just two nights ago she was where I am,
thinking of what to cook.

I am in your bed and in your arms
yet somehow it feels so wrong,
like I am the intruder in her space,
it feels like I don't belong.

---Overwhelmed by your love,
by your kindness, by your heart,
overwhelmed by her familiarity,
by her tendency to start

talking about how you always nap,
about how you're like your brother,
about how your mom always complains,
when I, on the other hand, have never met her.

Inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity,
the usual - the full package.
You were and still are best friends with your ex,
and i incur the damage.

You say you're okay, the break up was fine,
there is no need to fret,
of course you're okay, you never had to grieve
because she never left.

It's a catch twenty-two, a lose-lose situation,
if only she wasn't your ex
if only she was just your best of friends,
then this wouldn't be such a mess.

It's a catch twenty-two, a lose-lose situation,
if she wasn't your best friend,
if only she was just another ex
if only I didn't have to contend.

She knows you inside-out, I understand,
both of you grew up together,
I just think, since she's your past,
she must also be your future.

I'm so afraid I'm temporary,
like in those movies and songs,
about how best friends fall in love
and everyone else is wrong.

I'm so afraid I'm a mere pit stop,
a temporary lapse in judgement,
the final interruption, the last mistake
before you return to her temptation.

I know I said I'd never make you choose,
how could you lose a friend?
But as time goes on, I grow wearier,
and things get harder to mend.

She'll be here for every birthday,
for every big event,
it's hard to wrap my head around
how I'm not your biggest fan.


Every time i think I'm in the clear,
and her presence slips far from my mind,
i see her name flash on your phone,
her texts you have yet to decline.

my heart becomes anxiety ridden,
my body numbs inside-out,
i swear it's not petty jealousy,
its waves of uncontrollable self-doubt.

when our friends go out and she joins too,
you hold me close to reassure me,
you mean well but all i can picture
is the same way you held her body.

I hear her laugh and i hate it so much,
i hate that she sounds so happy,
I hate that i think of how you used to love
the voice that sends my ears ringing.

i hate that our friends liked her so much
they kept her around after the split,
she's everyone's friend, everyone but me,
a fact she'd rather not admit.

you told me to always go to you
whenever she'd show me hostility,
but you never fail to defend her actions,
leaving the peace offering always to me.

She wants to be your friend, you say,
your obliviousness catches me off guard,
you're always reluctant to make her the bad guy,
so sometimes i don't even start.

Like a ticking time-bomb, I told a friend,
when I hadn't much faith in us,
but now I hope we never implode
no heartbreaks, no more fuss.

Circumstances decided they didn't like us,
but we made it this far anyway,
like the home I found in you,
I hope you decide to stay.

Four years, I remind you, she has under her belt,
while mine barely holds four months,
Her connection to you runs as deep as it goes,
while I've only cried in front of you once.

Four years, I remind you, til she chose to leave,
while you stayed in your room and cried,
four years is what I have to live up to,
I try, I'm trying, I tried.

I am holding on but I don’t know for how long more. I am tired, I am scared, I am sad.

I am so, so tired.

You were sleeping in my bed/ I was on my couch (in the other room), curled up in a blanket, refusing to hold you for warmth.

It was May, Spring. It was supposed to get warmer here in this rose town, May being more summer than spring, more spring than winter. Alas, it was still so cold. And I cried. And you were still fast asleep.

The sobs came in waves. Each stronger than the last.

The sobs crept up like shadows, like the gradual turning of heads in a crowded room towards a spotlight. It was a strange feeling, because my body seemed to realise I was going to cry before my brain would. I’d catch my breath and my face would suddenly distort itself. My eyes would pull back and my mouth would overturn. Then the wave would hit and then the tears would start.

I remember being curled up and torn - did I want you to find me like this or not?

I guess I didn’t have to decide because you were still fast asleep by the time I stopped shivering.

I crawled back into bed and there you were. You blinked your sleepy eyes awake and pulled me close, reaching out, eyelids dropping again but hand on my arm, on my thigh, on my stomach, holding me in your unconscious.

Then the feeling unfurled in me - the feeling of intrusion and trespassery. Your hands touched her body the same way, pulled her in the same way. The places in which your hands rested burned with shame and strangeness. You were hers first. You are hers. It felt so wrong. It feels so wrong.

I grabbed my water bottle and jumped out of my bed and you asked sleepily, “Where are you going?”

I said, “Getting water.” I rushed out the door, shutting it. I went to my kitchen and spent a few seconds staring at the wall.

When will the sobs come?

I waited.

They came.

Again, each wave stronger than before - so disgustingly desperate. I struggled to stay silent, I clamped my mouth shut and heaved.

You know that feeling when you’re crying and your body can’t help but wrack itself so violently and so uglily you can’t help but cry out like a wounded animal?

I muzzled myself; I clamped my mouth shut.

I gave myself ten minutes, then fifteen. Running the tap. Hoping my body would stop shaking. Asking myself to be quiet, quiet.

Then I walked to the bathroom, switched the light on. Looked at myself.

Then I got back into bed. And you were still fast asleep.

You see, what scares me isn't falling in love,
it's falling out.
The many reasons you fell love in her,
will be the exact ones why you stopped.

Her stubbornness that was once so exhilarating,
now only frustrates you.

Her kindness that was once so lovely,
now only makes you jealous.

Her way of knowing how you feel that was once so right,
now only annoys you.

Her relaxed attitude that was once so frank,
now only makes you detest her for being lazy.

Her bright eyes that was once so exuberant,
now only makes you shield your eyes.

Her loyalty that was once so persistent,
now only infuriates you.

Her quirks and habits that made you crash and fall,
now only embarrasses you.



So don't fall in love,
because its only temporary.
You'll fall out of love,
after a while.
Not now, not later,
but you will
eventually,
because nobody
stays
in
love.

I could feel your absence as much as your presence.
2. You were the sun and now you are gone.
3. All is without life.

he filled my heart with bitterness
he filled my mind with resent
he filled my days with longing
for all the time we've spent

but after all I've felt
and for everything I've sold
I'm just left to wonder
if he's really just an *******

we were almost in love,
like leaves dancing on the edge of a cliff,
on the verge of plunging.

we were so close to being in love,
but,
both of us decided to save ourselves instead of falling.

he said he'd always fight for me

I never realised he was fighting himself

"our relationship wasn't that dysfunctional!"

are you sure?  

because one day you decided you didn't love me anymore.



and I was okay with it.

I'm trying to write a happy poem


I'm *trying

dying is a side effect of living

the only thing you should want to change about her is her last name

don't forget that you'll never truly belong to me,
just like how the shore never truly belong to the ocean.

no matter how many times they collide,

they're destined to be apart.

nothing left but picture frames