no one has ever been able
to make me feel
quite the same level of
worthlessness
as you do.

Fear
Of being what you are not,


Happy.

i spend my evenings wrapped in blankets
repeating memories through body
we inherited a hurting
that began far back before
either one of us
were alive

now

we are left, we are here
we should be celebrating
the survival of our ancestors
just by being together
but instead i spend my days alone
waiting for you to
say you love me again.

what you don't know
is that at least one moment of every day
is dedicated to missing you, worrying about you, hoping for you,
needing love from you.

what you don't know
is that i can no longer tell you i miss you
because there is a literal concrete wall between
my head and my heart where you are concerned
to have and to hold you is
to have my heart ache and my head spin
and i can't do it anymore.

what you don't know
is that i think about you far too often,
mostly good things, but also painful things,
how much love we gave, how badly we both were suffering,
how in the end, the suffering consumed us.

what you don't know
is that i am so scared you won't be alive long enough
for me to tell you the truth about everything,
i'm scared we will never have "the conversation"
the conversation everyone dreads - the one where
the truth comes out
the conversation we've both been avoiding
for a long time now.

what you don't know
is that i wish we understood each other
i wish i could tell you how ever since i was a little girl
i have felt like i wasn't good enough
because you were supposed to take care of me
but you were getting drunk instead and so
i had to take care of you.

what you don't know is that
i actually do need you, even though i act like i don't
it's a defence mechanism, these walls are stronger
than your words
but unconditional love can break them down
in a second.

what you don't know is that i am way ******* stronger
than you could have ever imagined

you don't even know the half of it

I never thought I
would say this but happiness
suits you, yes, it does.

hey baby
hi
i'll miss you when you're gone
no you won't
yes i will
okay
i like your scarf
thanks
are you wearing my old sweater?
yeah i've had it for forever
i do want that back someday it is a special sweater
okay
would you like some blueberries?
no thanks

i put on Beck's 'sea change' to drown out
the sound of the things we wouldn't say
the music replaced the melancholy
i postponed feeling
i'm good at putting a rain-check
on feelings
i think i learned it from you
it is both
a curse and a skill,
what can i say?
you taught me well.

i watched you remove your black nail polish
i watched you put on a new coat of black nail polish
i lit another cigarette,
inhaling what i wish i could say,
exhaling what i knew i couldn't.
an hour went by and i could no longer
breathe

i have to go
okay baby
have a good eleven days
you too, have fun on your trip. i'll miss you.
no you won't
yes i will
okay
goodbye*
goodbye

it's not that i hate this city and want to divorce myself from everyone i know here.
it's not that i won't miss the little things about being here that make it
too easy to stay,
it's just that i think it's wrong for someone to never leave the place they were born
for more than a week
it's just that i don't want to die anymore and i'm learning how to be
more adventurous
it's about taking risks, and not letting the potential for failure prevent me
from making my dreams come true.
it's about believing in the crazy things that seem impossible and ridiculous
to other people when you tell them about your plans
it's about being simultaneously terrified and relieved that you get
a second chance at life
it's about giving everything up for four months to be immersed
in a completely different world
it's about knowing that it's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows,
but not letting that stop you.
it's about not being able to take another long cold winter here
because being numb has gotten old and too-familiar.
it's about missing someone more than you can ever explain.
it's about having a long-distance friendship but not letting that
keep you apart.
it's about choosing life,
it's about getting out of my comfort zone
it's about being
undefinable
it's about having people say, "well what about after? what are you going to do after this?"
and being okay
with not knowing.

i like the way
you stare at me as i define the word busy
i like the way
you ask me how i'm doing
i like the hungry look
in your eyes as i reply "fine" because that is not enough of a response for you
to live on
i like the way
you keep trying to pursue me
after i've already made it ******* clear i'm not interested
i like how you said
you're okay with that
even though i know you aren't
i like the way you try
to catch my eye every time i walk past you
i like the way i look away
because eye contact is for sore girls with sad hearts
i like that i am
a sore girl with a sad heart but
my giggle distracts you from
knowing that
i like how i challenge your pride
every time i say no-thank-you-i-already-have-plans
i like how you keep reaching for something
that is obviously invisible
because i can hardly remember if i exist or not in general usually
i like how you don't know
that i can relate to that feeling
of wanting something that barely exists to begin with
i like how i say goodbye to you
right before the back door closes
and never looking back
at you to see if you're watching me
because i already know
that you are.

i think maybe you'll always be someone
who takes up a small amount of space
in my heart. sometimes i feel like i cannot control how
often i think of you - it's like a bad habit i turn to when i remember
that we happened once. and so i go looking
at pictures of us so i can prove to myself how happy
we were. even though we weren't happy,
but if you look at a picture of two smiling people
long enough you can convince yourself
otherwise.
you won't talk to me now, we haven't spoken
for six months. i've tried reaching out but you never
respond. i can't say i blame you, but i think it's just really tragic
that you can have such a strong connection with someone
and grow to care for them so much in such a short
amount of time - and when you don't give them what they want
from you, they all of a sudden will never
talk to you again. and they don't give you any
warning. i can't say i miss you, but i suppose i miss
the way i could make you laugh or the way we talked about
real things. maybe the silence between us just makes
me lonely.
i hope you're happier than when i talked to you
last.

you’re so beautiful
sometimes I don’t think I’ve ever
seen a creature more beautiful
but then I remember how much
you hate yourself
and suddenly am aware
that you aren’t as beautiful
as you could be
if you recognized your own
beauty. Because self hatred
is not pretty. Although there is a strange
beauty in it, it is not pure.
It is not full. It is cryptic
and raw and utterly
selfish. There is beauty in that.
But not enough to make me
fall in love with you
again.

It's okay to stop missing people
It's okay to fall in love with the wrong person
It's okay to trust too easily
It's okay to have your heart broken
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to love someone more than they love you
It's okay to put up barriers
Because sometimes that's the only way we can truly be protected.
It's okay to choose anger over sadness because sometimes anger is easier to feel
But sadness will always return.
It's okay to pick up the pieces of yourself because only you can actually do that
It's okay to laugh as hard as you'd like to cry,
One thing at a time.
It's okay to recognize the damage you've done to your own life
It's okay to feel bad about it
It's also okay to take responsibility for it
It's okay to say sorry to the friends you've pushed away
It's okay to thank them for still being there after you've acted
Like a total self-absorbed disconnected disillusioned *****
It's okay to look in the mirror and hate what you see
But still say out loud: "I am beautiful and I need to be loved."
It's okay to cut the sick people out of your life, the people that **** you dry with their toxicity and false love and promises, the people whom you can do nothing for, and who can do nothing for you.
It's okay to wish you had a better mother or father or childhood
It's okay to leave and never come back
It's okay to give into the healing process
Because our bodies were programmed to heal.

It's okay

Maybe one day you will cry as hard and as long as you've been avoiding life itself
Maybe one day you will no longer be afraid of feeling the pain
Maybe one day you will see that this too, shall pass
Maybe one day you will see why I cannot have you in my life
Maybe one day I will see why you cannot have me in your life
Maybe we can all ease into forgiving ourselves and
Love a little harder,
Laugh a little louder,
Feel a little deeper.

It's okay if this happens,
And it's okay if it doesn't.

It's okay if I do these things and it's okay if you don't.
It's okay if you do and it's okay if I don't.
It's okay.

of minimum wage.