I spent four years of my life
Laughing, crying, loving, learning, smiling, singing, breathing
With you
You were my first love,
My best friend,
My soulmate.

Then I fell apart and you left my life
Without saying goodbye,
You got someone else to say goodbye to me for you
At the time, I blamed myself
Because I knew my energy was toxic and destructive and dark and terrible
And everyone knows it's hard to be around someone
like that,
someone who begins to devote their life to dying.

A year went by
We didn't laugh cry love learn smile sing or breathe
Together at all
All we shared was silence.
You changed your name, you moved away, stopped talking to your family,
And declared yourself enlightened.

Yes, I did play the victim for a while.
I used losing you as fuel for my self destruction
I felt worthless, alone, used, manipulated
I felt like a discarded piece of toilet paper to be quite frank.
I looked for you in other lovers, but nothing came close
To the love we had.

A year and three weeks later,
You message me and say
Hi, come over, I just want to love you.

Why?
Why now?
If you didn't want me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
You don't even ******* know me
And I sure as hell don't know you.

For once in my life you are telling me to jump
And I am not saying "how high?"
I'm saying take a hike, pal
I have something you can't touch.

You're too late.

what you don't know
is that at least one moment of every day
is dedicated to missing you, worrying about you, hoping for you,
needing love from you.

what you don't know
is that i can no longer tell you i miss you
because there is a literal concrete wall between
my head and my heart where you are concerned
to have and to hold you is
to have my heart ache and my head spin
and i can't do it anymore.

what you don't know
is that i think about you far too often,
mostly good things, but also painful things,
how much love we gave, how badly we both were suffering,
how in the end, the suffering consumed us.

what you don't know
is that i am so scared you won't be alive long enough
for me to tell you the truth about everything,
i'm scared we will never have "the conversation"
the conversation everyone dreads - the one where
the truth comes out
the conversation we've both been avoiding
for a long time now.

what you don't know
is that i wish we understood each other
i wish i could tell you how ever since i was a little girl
i have felt like i wasn't good enough
because you were supposed to take care of me
but you were getting drunk instead and so
i had to take care of you.

what you don't know is that
i actually do need you, even though i act like i don't
it's a defence mechanism, these walls are stronger
than your words
but unconditional love can break them down
in a second.

what you don't know is that i am way ******* stronger
than you could have ever imagined

you don't even know the half of it

It's okay to stop missing people
It's okay to fall in love with the wrong person
It's okay to trust too easily
It's okay to have your heart broken
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to love someone more than they love you
It's okay to put up barriers
Because sometimes that's the only way we can truly be protected.
It's okay to choose anger over sadness because sometimes anger is easier to feel
But sadness will always return.
It's okay to pick up the pieces of yourself because only you can actually do that
It's okay to laugh as hard as you'd like to cry,
One thing at a time.
It's okay to recognize the damage you've done to your own life
It's okay to feel bad about it
It's also okay to take responsibility for it
It's okay to say sorry to the friends you've pushed away
It's okay to thank them for still being there after you've acted
Like a total self-absorbed disconnected disillusioned *****
It's okay to look in the mirror and hate what you see
But still say out loud: "I am beautiful and I need to be loved."
It's okay to cut the sick people out of your life, the people that **** you dry with their toxicity and false love and promises, the people whom you can do nothing for, and who can do nothing for you.
It's okay to wish you had a better mother or father or childhood
It's okay to leave and never come back
It's okay to give into the healing process
Because our bodies were programmed to heal.

It's okay

Maybe one day you will cry as hard and as long as you've been avoiding life itself
Maybe one day you will no longer be afraid of feeling the pain
Maybe one day you will see that this too, shall pass
Maybe one day you will see why I cannot have you in my life
Maybe one day I will see why you cannot have me in your life
Maybe we can all ease into forgiving ourselves and
Love a little harder,
Laugh a little louder,
Feel a little deeper.

It's okay if this happens,
And it's okay if it doesn't.

It's okay if I do these things and it's okay if you don't.
It's okay if you do and it's okay if I don't.
It's okay.

Giving up
is no longer in my repertoire.

it really is a shame
that you're choosing a life of
secrets and drugs and alcohol and *** and partying
and black nail polish and black eyeliner and black leather jackets
and ego and emptiness and anxiety and insomnia
over
a life
of
three children who are learning how to need you
less and less as the days pass
one by one by one by one
it really is a shame that you're choosing that life over
one
of
potential and talent and adventure and music and laughter
and a daughter who is wondering
why she still has so much love left in her heart for you and
where to put it when you're
vanishing into nothingness,
blackness,
right before her eyes,
it scares her.

where do i put all this love when the person who it's meant for
is going
going
gone?

but i'm still here, and i guess
you are not but
i am still here
i am what i started with
and i am what i end with

it really is a shame, though
that you are letting all this precious love go to
waste.

For once in my life
I'm not craving you
For once in my life I'm not
Needing
Waiting for you
To say
I miss you
I love you
I need you
I want you
I'm sad come help me
How are you? Come over
You're brilliant
I'm sorry
Please, come back

For once in my life I feel understood
Even if it's by one person who lives
3,781.8 km away
Someone is better than no one
I'm understood and loved unconditionally and for once
I'm not scared
Of abandonment because I've learned
That I can only ever really truly
Abandon myself.

And actually sometimes,
What's gold
Can and will
Stay.

This year will be better,

Good,

BRIGHT, even.

I promise myself that.

And I don’t plan on breaking that promise,

Or breaking any other part of myself

For that matter.

i’ve gotten so used to thinking i don’t have a choice and just going

with what my self destructive mind tells me to do

that once i actually just notice my options

and evaluate them, simply

no strings attached

and make a choice to do the opposite of what i usually do

i feel so empowered and happy and hopeful and

in control, in the good sense

and it’s like

thank god

i’m alive

to know what this feels like.

*freedom

Fear
Of being what you are not,


Happy.

hey baby
hi
i'll miss you when you're gone
no you won't
yes i will
okay
i like your scarf
thanks
are you wearing my old sweater?
yeah i've had it for forever
i do want that back someday it is a special sweater
okay
would you like some blueberries?
no thanks

i put on Beck's 'sea change' to drown out
the sound of the things we wouldn't say
the music replaced the melancholy
i postponed feeling
i'm good at putting a rain-check
on feelings
i think i learned it from you
it is both
a curse and a skill,
what can i say?
you taught me well.

i watched you remove your black nail polish
i watched you put on a new coat of black nail polish
i lit another cigarette,
inhaling what i wish i could say,
exhaling what i knew i couldn't.
an hour went by and i could no longer
breathe

i have to go
okay baby
have a good eleven days
you too, have fun on your trip. i'll miss you.
no you won't
yes i will
okay
goodbye*
goodbye

this year*:

the one person i thought was my soulmate left my life without so much as one word

i fell out of love with the first girl i fell in love with

i was reunited with someone i hoped would be my new mother

i was repeatedly disappointed

i met the most amazing friend i only ever imagined having

i quit my job

i got a new job

i fell in love with a pathological liar

i went to my grandfather's funeral

i was lied to by the pathological liar (surprise!)

i was there for her when she went to detox

i was there for her when she relapsed

i had a rather epiphanic moment where i was brought to inexplicable sobs and repeated screams  on my knees saying "help me" in desperate hopes of being heard by some unknowable God

i quit the new job and got hired back at the old one

i lost trust in all humans, including myself

i moved in with my dad

i got to know the depths of fragility

i was manipulated and in turn, i manipulated

i had random panic attacks

i met Regina Spektor

i wrote poems

i wrote songs

i painted

i read books

i drank a lot of coffee

i smoked many cigarettes

i laughed less

i cried less

i felt less

i denied anti-depressants

i worked on letting go of unhealthy persons, including my mother

which lead to learning the repetitive lesson that overnight success does not exist

i booked a flight to Mississippi

i learned how to be alone without being lonely

i became even more infatuated with the moon

i wanted to die,

i'm still alive.

i made mistakes,

i learned from them.

this year has been a whirlwind, a teenage drama gone half right topped with a questionable ending

2013, here i come.

Today my father is 50 years old.
Today I am proud to say
That I have the most
Compassionate, inspiring, healing, understanding, supportive father
I could ever ask for.

He continues to teach me what it means
To be brave,
To be motivated,
To blossom,
To be alive,
Every day.

I am so proud to call him my father
I am the luckiest girl in the world,
I really am.

Happy birthday daddy.

Someone I once loved
Ran his finger across my chest and traced
The outline of my moles and said
"They look like an anchor! When you connect the dots, they are the shape
Of an anchor! You are an anchor. It all makes sense now.
You are going to be okay."

At the time it was like some big epiphany for him,
Like he was telling me something about myself
That I never knew when really, I always knew
It was just
Something I didn't want
To admit. It is something
I have been running away from for a long time now, thinking
I could be an anchor for someone else
Because then THEY could be my problem, my project,
My ocean
So then that way I could leave myself, fallen by the wayside
To wither away, slowly, subtly,
Secretly disappearing.

I am attracted to people who are made of glass,
People who shatter easily, who shatter willingly,
Who are reckless and brilliant, beautiful and dangerous
People who I unconsciously think
I can save.

I can only save myself.
I can only be my own anchor.

I am nowhere near strong enough
To be with someone again
I am so terribly fragile, I break my own heart
So easily. Too willingly.
All I want is to keep realizing things like this,
To admit my mistakes and learn from them, not
Repeat them.
To hold on to the people who keep me on the ground,
The people who actually love me, who don't put me on
Some pedestal where I am liable
To float away.

Because if I'm not careful and let myself
Float away again,
I
may
never
come
back.

I struggle with understanding the concept of
"Coming out"
as being gay
as being bisexual
as being anything.
I get that it is important for some people to inform other people
about their personal preference,
but at the same time,
no one feels the need to "come out" as being
heterosexual
or being
smart or talented or sad or confused or angry or irritable.
If someone asks, of course I'll tell them,
but I have become a rather private person in the sense that
I don't feel the need to make a huge announcement to everyone
on all the stupid social networking websites with regard to
how or what or why I'm living.
I guess that is a contradiction because
I am writing this poem and am clearly releasing it to the world for a billion strangers to
potentially read, but I'm a writer, whatever that means so
cut me some slack.
I like boys and I like girls and I love
whoever walks into my life at the right moment and it's
as simple as that.
It's nobody's business and I like being okay with that.
I don't love someone so I can flaunt them
I don't love someone so I can make other people jealous
I don't love someone so I can feel good or validated or worthy.
I love because I love.
Boys are simple, and I have grown rather tired of them I must say.
Girls are complicated and emotional and gentle and sensitive, and perhaps
it would be easier if I had a preference,
but I don't because
my love has no preference
my love has no gender
my love has no conditions
and if someone isn't okay with that,
then that's fine because
it's their problem, not mine.
And that
is just,
that.

Missing the bus and
Being late for work
Is the #1 day ruiner of all time.

i have an endless amount of patience at the beginning of december
right when all the trees and wreaths go up
and all the holiday music begins to play
i even have enough patience to sing along and enjoy
the predictable chord progressions.

by the middle of december the sadness begins to set in
the what-ifs-but-it's-not-this-is-how-it-is-and-how-it-should-have-be­ens
flashbacks of when things weren't broken
so then i try to make myself less sad and send christmas cards to people i love
and i try the "it is what you make it" approach
which only lasts for so long and then slowly
fades away.

by the end of december, five days before christmas
my patience has vanished
people irritate me
decorations irritate me
facts irritate me
i irritate me
i have no stomach for any of it and just wish i was a bear
so i could hibernate until all of this
holiday business is finally over with.

"I'm going to the washroom. If we lose each other let's meet at the bookstore, by the entrance. I'll be right back." I said.
But when I came out of the washroom, they were gone. And suddenly, reality hit.
I am alone surrounded by people
In a mall
Blaring christmas music
Where did they go
I lost them
What if I never see them again
What if someone among all of these people has a gun and we all die before we can hug each other goodbye
I'm alone I'm so alone I'm so alone
I'm ******* alone
I can't breathe.
It was like being underwater with my eyes open
Swimming in a sea full of unfamiliar faces
And blaring christmas music
And the sound of my pounding heart
And failing lungs
Screaming at me
YOU ARE ALONE YOU ARE ALIVE AND YOU ARE ALONE AND THAT IS THE TRUTH WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.

So I bought a coffee because I choose to believe caffeine calms me down
And then I stepped outside
And cried and cried and cried and cried
I cried for the fragility of life hit me harder than it ever has
How fleeting it is
How terribly tragic it is that all of us love each other so much
And yet we will all die alone.
I cried for how close I felt to death at that moment
I cried for my inability to pinpoint exactly what had made me so upset
I cried because I felt like a lost little 5-year old wondering why no one was holding her hand
I cried because I missed you so much especially at that moment
I cried because I realized how incredibly weak and ridiculous I was acting
I cried because I couldn't even make one lousy phone call to someone I love so they could calm me down
I cried because I felt paralyzed
I cried because the time it takes to say "I'll be right back" is enough time to lose someone
Forever

Once my lungs & heart finally came alive again, I went back inside that stupid mall
Full of stupid people shopping for their stupid christmas presents in sync with that stupid christmas music
And you were standing there, at our meeting spot with a smile on your face and
Relief and relief and relief and you said
"There you are! We thought we lost you!"
And so did I, I thought,
*So did I.

one of the greatest tragedies
is not only idolizing someone as a teenager
but have them inspire you to the point where you are
completely, exactly, perfectly
yourself
in the purest sense
because you identify with their simplicity, their humbleness
and the way they write not for fame, but for themselves
only to have time pass, where you are stripped down to nothing but
a naked lost sad scared wide-eyed adult
and that person is long gone only to be found
on tv screens and magazine covers, decked out
in golden dresses and singing for billions in prestigious stadiums and arenas
both of you as far apart and as distant as a corpse from its soul
no trace of inspiration to be found

i used to love you
but now you wear too many necklaces
and too much makeup
and you can no longer write
worth ****.

whenever a boy smiles at me or looks at me for a few seconds longer than normal

or catches my eye and looks away all embarassed

or comes up to me to ask me a stupid question

or simply just stares without being embarassed

or sends me a message being like

hey how are you these days? i miss you!

i cringe because

romance is sickening and it’s just like

please

go

away

there

is

nothing

to

stare

at

so

mo­ve

along

now

stupid

boys with their butterfly filled heads trying to get close enough

for the butterflies to fly into my mouth and multiply in my belly

well nice try but

it’s not gunna happen

*sucka

i want so much to see myself through your eyes,
beautiful and unadulterated,
interesting and true.
i'm sorry i'm not that girl
i'm sorry i am so ruined
and sad
and lost
and so preoccupied with death.

i know my purpose is not to die
but i just can't get a grip
on what is real
and what is false
i want so badly to see myself through your eyes,
i'm so sorry i can't.
but what makes me worthy of your forgiveness?

i've tried so hard
i'm still trying
who knew self love would be such a challenge?
i struggle so much with finding one thing to love
about myself
every ******* day and it has exhausted me
to the point of indifference.

a friend of mine said to me today,
thank you for all of the times we have sang and laughed and played together
i began to tremble profusely upon reading
because to me, it sounded like he was saying
goodbye.
are you saying goodbye? i need to know if you're cutting me out of your life.
he said
i'm not cutting anyone out of my life. Things or people or situations
fall away on their own if they need to.
i told him how i hoped our friendship wouldn't fade away
and he said
i hope the friendship you have with yourself never fades away. It's the only one you always have. Self love will bring you everything you would ever want.
and the trembling turned into shaking and i tried but i couldn't hold still and i began
to cry and i was angry
because i knew
he was right.

i'm so sorry, i expect you to leave, i do
i expect everyone to leave
because everyone has left
and i'm always waiting for it
i don't feel as though i'm doubting anyone
but myself
because so many others have left and all i am left with
are voices that scream at me
well it was your own fault. What did you expect? No one would want to be around you. You're too sad too lost too tainted, such a drag.

and you can tell me it's all a lie
and maybe i can't see the truth, your truth
but what if it's my truth?
how many truths are there?
so then what's real and what's not?
what's true and what's false?
why did they leave and why does every embrace, smile, compliment
feel like a goodbye?

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i just can't see it
through pure, brave, unadulterated eyes.

i need you to spoon feed me
not with compliments
not with adoration
but with strength and belief in your own self
because that kind of ****
is contagious.

i need you to spoon feed me
not with alcohol
not with food
but with a hey how are you? no how are you really?
because I have lost the ability to tell you, to really tell you
you have trained me to make the unnatural
natural
and that kind of thing is just wrong.

i need you to spoon feed me
not with guilt
not with pity
but with something I can't quite put my finger on,
i need something from you that you've never given
something all mothers must give their child
in order for the child to feel
loved
secure
worthy
confident
comfortable

i need you to spoon feed me
not with effort
not with pain
but with self-forgiveness and unflinching honesty
i need you to love me with no conditions attached
i need you to teach me how to walk without failure
in this cold and terrifying world

i need you to understand me
i need you to comfort me
i need you to
i need you
i need
i

Sweet princess of swanlike imperfection,
how darkness embarked upon you,
slowly unbuttoned your dress until you lay bare,
barely there
frozen in denial.
I am overwhelmed with the grief of having had you,
the same grief that has always been screaming
you can run but you can't hide
the same grief I have been trying to bury all my life.
I weep now, my tears
add to the puddle that once was you
and though I tried I simply could not
distract you long enough
from melting.

You
who once gave me the shirt off your back
You
who reminded me I do have a purpose in this chilling life
You
who gave me the infectious gift of endless laughter
You
who softened my heart despite my insisting it be forever hardened
You
who continues to light the candle of inspiration
You
who showered me with ceaseless honesty even when your fears of
hurting me were high and the temptation to lie was loud
You
who I will always remember as being the girl
I gave my heart to that one nineteenth september for
hearts cannot be stolen
The girl
Who showed me why love can never be lost,
Even when we lose ourselves in the afflictions of the other
We are not our afflictions.

Though I am no longer with you
for reasons as obvious as the blue of my eyes you always deemed to be true,
pieces of my heart forever remain
invisibly tattooed on your skin
the places you let me touch even when
your will to live was growing
thin.

Hardened beauty queen of exquisite genius,
do not believe what your mind tells you
the mirror will only show you
an undeserved distorted truth
that is not you, it never will be
and it never was.

I weep here now at the puddle where you lie,
I hope one day your heart will soften with
the same lightheartedness your name implies.

i just want to forget you
the way flower petals forget the flower
once they've been plucked
by the hand of
absentmindedness

i just need someone to take me, put me in an empty room
and slap me till i'm blue in the face
till all recollection falls out of  me
and into
the abyss of eternal oblivion
i just need someone to hate me
because i know better than to believe i deserve
anything more than that.

so take me, hit me, hate me, leave me, don't trust me
when i say it hurts
because no one could hurt me more than i hurt myself
so don't trust me
when i smile in response to your compliments
you don't know me, and you probably never will
you don't love me either
even if you think you do
it's all a lie
everything is a lie
so slap me until i forget how
to cry

because i bet you anything even by then,
i still won't feel a thing.

you have successfully invaded
every aspect of my life
you have polluted my heart
with love for you that will not fade
no matter how much i may wish it to
you have polluted my mind
with every possible destructive thought imaginable
you have polluted my workplace
waltzing in with your
sugar daddy
wearing your new three hundred dollar coat and caked on eyeliner
drenched in chanel no.5 offering nothing but a silent shout as if to say
i am nothing but a *****
you have polluted my life by asking me
to lie for you
giving me a perfect lesson
on the loss of self-respect

i am stripped bare now with nothing to give
but a false slew of giggles and hugs
responding to your
i love you with
an i love you
and always meaning it
but never, ever
saying it first.

Once
A dying girl described me as a
walking poem she said
"You are a myriad
of words that contradict each other
but once you take a second to read them
somehow
they all make sense."

I wrapped my arms around her and said
"I will see you soon. Take care, love."
And like a little lost deer
or a bird with clipped wings
and tears in her eyes she said
"Thank you for coming."

sometimes i just get so sick
of how fake everyone is to each other like
"Hey, how are you?! You look fantastic!"
i struggle everyday to stay alive and i am running on eight shots of espresso and no sleep
"I'm doing really well, thanks! Yeah, you look great too. I love your shoes where did you get them?"
"Oh thanks, I found them at a thrift store for ten dollars. But I love your lipstick! Where did you get it?"
You don't actually love my lipstick, you just need to return the compliment because you're probably at as much of a loss for words right now as I am
"Oh, thanks, um, some convenience store probably. I don't remember."
Moment of silence
"So how are things at home? How's school? I haven't seen you in a while... Well there was that time we had plans but you cancelled because you had to work or something. It's nice to finally see you."
Yeah I cancelled on purpose and lied about having to work because we have nothing to talk about anymore and you are somehow still so attached to this friendship that has disintegrated that you refuse to acknowledge
"Home is good, school is fine, and yeah sorry about that one time, you know how it is. Work can be pretty unpredictable sometimes! How are you though? How is your boyfriend and all that jazz?"
"Oh my gosh, so great. We're moving in a house together right now, his parents are helping out which is great because I cannot afford a mortgage right now! Hahahaha."
Right, because you're 21 and you have your **** together and I don't but I can't tell you that because you'd never understand and we don't relate on that level of realness wow what do we have in common i can't remember i'm trying to remember but i can't
"Wow, good for you! That's a big step. Well I hope that works out for you. I have to go catch my bus now, but I'm glad we got to catch up, love."
forced hug
"Yeah me too, you are so beautiful and wonderful and I really really miss you. Don't be such a stranger, okay?"
but we are strangers why can't you just admit it to yourself so we can move on
"Yeah! Sorry I just get so busy. Nice to see you too and I miss you lots too. Talk soon?"
"Definitely."
*not

"You should never have set the thermostat to 'off'! Now my pipes are frozen & have no water!"

You should never have continued putting your alcoholism
Before all of your children
You should never have had to leave your job because you
Shoplifted and they let you off easy
You should have never taken away my house key because I
"Didn't deserve to have that privilege"
You should have been there for me when I told you
I wanted to die and that I needed you
You should never have asked me to lie to the one person I wholeheartedly trust
For the sake of protecting nothing & only further enabling your
Long-term delusional mind
You should have never given birth to me in the first place
If you planned on staying eighteen years old forever.

If accidentally leaving the house with freezing pipes and no water is the best way to say
*******
Without actually saying it,
Then so be it.

(Sorry I'm not sorry.)

being a parent
is probably the most selfless act imaginable
there are a lot of ****** parents
who decide to check out early
mothers who play house
and stay home and cook and clean and make
lunches for their kids like a good little housewife
pretending to be happy
pretending their marriage is
functional
until all the pretending starts to be too much
and the bottom falls through

then divorce
then choosing
then triangulation
then "please don't tell your dad" because they choose
the lifestyle of a good liar
over one of a good parent

if i was an only child perhaps it wouldn't be
so hard
but there's still
karate lessons,
life lessons and growing pains
and when one parent takes on the job of
two parents and doesn't run away
from that struggle, from that truth
well that is the most selfless thing there is

i hear young people say
"i don't ever want children. I hate children."
and I laugh because sometimes
**** happens
and you have to make a choice
but there are a lot of ****** parents
who had ****** parents
and the legacy continues

but perhaps accidents like that
are a blessing in disguise
if you choose to put yourself aside for one minute
to be selfless enough
to change
for the sake of the being you chose to
bring into this frightening world.

love is
the sound of the voice of a girl who lives
3,781.8 km away
who calls you just to hear you say
Hello,
i love you,
i am not only here
but i am
listening.
Because long distance charges don't apply
to those who have telephone wires attached
to their hearts.

love comes
in waves of
strange connections,
painstaking inventions
that enable
the sad to meet the sad
the sick to meet the sick
where only a fragile minority find each other and decide
to stay and not feed each others
insatiable demons
because there is a mutual understanding
of what it is to be at war with oneself
constantly fighting to get through
another day
where something as small as a
hello,
i love you
is enough to make you want
to stay.

love is
a series of lessons you learn
from a girl
who is wise beyond her years
who is too young to be so sad
who is too smart to be so uncertain
who is too brilliant to realize her own
abysmal radiance.

Dearest Hillary,
in exactly one month
you will be greeting me
with the same open heart you always have
the only difference is
i will finally be able
to feel
it
beat.

when we were sixteen and in love, i remember you saying
"what if hope and fear are the same thing?"
i remember feeling scared when you said that
because for the first time in my life
i had to think about
the difference but i was hopeful
i would find an answer.

when i was nineteen and hopeless, i remember him saying
"he no longer wishes to speak to you or see you ever again."
i remember laughing at first, for i thought it was a joke
but it's almost been a year now and what i've learned is
that five years of love can vanish
in a single day
and you may never get a chance
to say goodbye.

but i have scars to remember the wounds that were
self inflicted
hope and fear were the stitches that let them
heal
i'm afraid of many things but i like to think
that hope is stronger, it must be stronger
otherwise i wouldn't be here
i don't think.

i think there is a glitch in my mind, perhaps it's a common glitch
in other humans minds too
but this glitch somehow seems to erase
every lesson I've ever learned about how to let go of someone
i should have let go of a long time ago, the one that teaches you how
to drop all
attachments and expectations
how to be content in living without always
needing.

i learn this lesson repeatedly, i love you, i'm there for you,
i get hurt by you because you do not respect or value
me at all
because you are selfish and do not know the power
of your words and actions or
lack thereof.

so i let go of you and feel weightless and free
not needing to make sure you still love me.

but then time passes and somewhere in this timeframe,
a few days, sometimes weeks
give or take
my brain resets itself, perhaps sometime in the middle
of a nightmare
and it's like waking up
with a head full of glue
that's when i start to miss you

and miss you and miss you and want you and need you
and silently cry at random times like at work or
on the bus
and i get so weak and needy and i seem to come to the conclusion that
i cannot stand on my own two feet if you aren't there to hold
me up
and it's all a lie, but it's a repetition and it doesn't seem to get old
and it's frustrating because i cave in every time, i go
running back to you
until you hurt me again and then
the lesson is re-learned

only to be forgotten again,
repeat.

all my life you have had such power over me,
and it isn't fair,
it is no way to live
it's suffering in its purest form
and i end up punishing myself for it

note to self:
you are not the air i breathe,
even if you gave me life
even if i gave you stretch marks.

what is wrong with me?
why can't i just learn from getting hurt and not repeat
the same mistake?
why can't i just live without you
for goodness sakes?

i want to be strong, i want to wake up and not always be
craving something, someone
i want to look in the mirror and not cringe at
what i see
i want to look at the sky and not have to wonder
if you still love me
i want to rise from the ash and not be ashamed
of how other people might despise me for it.
i want to live without the need for constant validation.

i want to love myself,
i want to be whole again.

i don't want to sit down and write a few words
only to delete them and then write a few new ones and then
delete them again
i don't want to go over to your house only to feel needed by you
because he broke up with you and then five days later
he wants you  back and so i'm no longer needed
delete delete
deleted
whenever you call me i watch the phone as it rings
once, twice, three times
but you don't leave a message
and i don't call you back

today i'm doing a little experiment
it's called
not feeling guilty
it's called
forgiving myself
it's called
smiling for no reason

and you're not here and i'm not sad about it
for once.

I'm beginning to wonder
If some people from the past just
Belong in the past

Old friends are wondering
Where I went,
They message me and I just
Can't bring myself to answer

And I can't find a reasonable explanation
To give them other than

Certain parts of me are broken
They have vanished and I don't know what to tell you other than

Things are different now

I'm not really sorry I missed your birthday
I'm not really sorry I forgot to answer your questions
It's just I have nothing to give, or to say

Things are different now
You hold pieces of who I used to be
I just can't seem to bring those parts of myself back

So tomorrow is your birthday, you asked me what I had planned
I gave you an answer as vague as a lucid dream
Perhaps I no longer am afraid
To disappoint you
Perhaps I no longer have a strong desire
To be around you
I'm not sure what it is but
Something's lost and has been lost
For a long time

I just can't seem to bring whatever it is that's lost
Back

I warned him, before we stepped into inferno, I warned him
I said, please
Bear with me
He said we have our wine, we'll be fine
And I looked away and forced a small half-laugh because
He didn't know how much familiarity
One statement could hold.

Fast forward and I'm sitting on your piano bench
Playing your out of tune piano
You put your head on my shoulder
And cried as I sang
Songs I mutilated from
The mould you made for me
So long ago.

Then time passed and the more belligerent  you became
The more sad I got so I stopped
Playing for you and sat at the kitchen table while you
Poured yourself more red wine and kept crying

That's when he asked if we needed time alone,
"To talk", as he worded it so
He left me alone in inferno with you
And you said nothing except
You don't understand you don't understand, you'll never
Understand but
I love you, please stay.

Then he came back and offered you a morsel
Of compassion, which you so indifferently accepted you said
I watched my mother die
I watched my brother die
I watched my father die
And I'm ******* done.

I sat there silently laughing because here I was, all this time
Trying my very hardest to die and it occurred to me
You haven't noticed and
You probably never will until
I am finally actually gone.

A winter went by
All was quelled by the cold
Your songs kept me warm
They are sad but they made me smile
We didn’t talk about
Anything then
I learned how to feel all right without really
Saying anything
Yes, there was a time when we existed
Separately
Before I even knew who
You were
That winter was one of them
It’s funny to think on oblivion I was to be
Drawn by your beautiful bulb
Touched by your tender air
A breeze whispered to me as I walked past
Embers
I burned without showing a single
Smoke signal

Those songs saved my life.

Of reopening the same wound

Again and again until

It bleeds enough to satisfy my

Hungry heart in other words,

Never satisfied that’s why I’m a big fan of

Reopening the same wound

Again and again until

You’ll sit with me in sun and see me as I am

Yours as I always was until

I am enough for you to accept

As your own flesh and blood

I keep coming back because

I’m a big fan

Of not giving up

On you

Your love was a cage

Made out of bone

I stayed there, quietly

Locked in

Sometimes I would carve things into

The cage

Things like

“Help”

“I’m trapped”

“I want to die”

I was small enough to

Escape between the bars

But I was scared

Because I knew how much escaping would

Disappoint you.

You fed me flower petals and cotton candy

I fed you pretty words and kissed your cheeks

Never once did I feel

Perfect

Like I do right now

Out of the cage and into the light,

No longer homesick for the chapel

Of inconsistency

The rain falls on this roof

As he sleeps beside me

And for the first time in a long time,

I want to be loved.

the girl that you once knew
is still right here,

my holes weren't made for you to fill.

He was lying on the futon, watching Battlestar Galactica. I was in my nightgown sitting in his windowsill, smoking a cigarette, bored, restless & lonely. I stared out the window, looked down at the ground.

“Do you think if I fell out of your window, I would die?” I asked him.

“I don’t know if you’d die, but you would get seriously hurt that’s for sure.” He mumbled.

I took a long drag from my cigarette and looked back out the window. The street was empty and dark. The only illumination came from a single streetlight about half a block from where I was sitting. I stared at that streetlight for a long time, feeling as alone as ever. After a minute or so, I began to feel his eyes penetrate my core. I looked at him. He was all limbs spread in every direction. The flame in his eyes told me more than I wanted to know.

“Do you ever feel like a moth?” I asked him.

“In what sense?”

“I dunno, like do you ever feel like you’re always attracted to something that is out to destroy you in the end? Like no matter where you end up, you find yourself hitting the same lightbulb over and over as if it could save you… When really it will be the death of you?”

He looked at me quizzically. Electricity filled in the gaps between us.

“Why are you thinking about that?”

He reminded me of myself - always answering a question with a question.

I looked back at the streetlight and I could see the silhouettes of insects all around it.

“Oh, I was just noticing the streetlight over there and all of the bugs surrounding it. Don’t you ever feel like that though?” I asked him again.

“Well when you put it that way, I’ve always felt like that, yeah.”

“I have a book of poems that my friend Emma gave to me a while back - there’s a poem in there that reminds me of feeling like that. It’s called ‘the lesson of the moth’. I’d like to read it to you sometime.”

I took a drag from my cigarette and looked at him again. Beautiful, he was in that moment. Just lying there listening to me, I felt like I was being heard for the first time. Battlestar Galactica had then become just a fuzz of white noise. I stared at him in silence.

“What are you staring at?” I smiled.

“You.”

“Why?”

“You’re beautiful.”

I looked back at the streetlight and exhaled a long puff of smoke.

Minutes rolled by. I couldn’t bear to look at him again. I have a hard time being seen.

“Looking at you is like listening to a symphony.” He said at last.

I was caught more by the charm of how he was more absorbed by the moment of me and not the boring television series that blurred in the background, never mind the romance of what had just escaped from his mouth.

Because I knew I wasn’t the first girl he’s looked at like that, and I wouldn’t be the last.

But dammnit, he sure knew how to make my skin melt and my heart burn.

I’ve become more aware lately

Of the preciousness

Of time

The way my little brother smiles when I walk in the door

The wasp that kept circling around my Grandma and I today,

When we were sitting outside eating lunch.

The way the streetlight looked through the trees

My silhouette on the pavement,

Reminding me

How much I’ve been wounded and yet

I’m still here.

The little girl that stood in the middle of a puddle,

Stomping and laughing

In her pink rainboots.

“Gotta have fun on a rainy day somehow!” Her mother said to me

As I stood there smiling,

Noticing the beauty

In the simplicity of that moment.

Time is precious and life

Is a gift

And it’s completely irrelevant

If anyone would disagree.

of minimum wage.

tastes like black liquorice

smells like skunk

and looks like blood

it wakes you up in the middle of the night screaming

“i miss you”

it tears apart your heart and leaves its carcass in the middle of an open field

for the wolves and vultures to fight over

it’s the kind of loss that tricks you into thinking

you haven’t lost the person yet,

because they are in fact, still here

in the flesh, in plain view

it makes your memory lazy when you think

“maybe this time will be different”

so you go back when they call

when they say jump and you say “how high?”

and they love you and call you baby

baby baby baby baby

then you taste the liquorice

and smell the skunk

and see the blood

and you know, it was all a lie because

that person you love so much, really

isn’t here at all

it’s the worst kind of loss there is

when the heart betrays the mind and convinces you

maybe this time, it will be different.

maybe maybe maybe maybe

but then there’s always the ***** the boyfriend the party

that was long there before you ever came along

and it will always be there

always in the background of this person’s mind when they come running back

claiming that they’re lonely

sometimes you wonder if it would be easier

if the person was actually dead

then you shrug because

you already know how that feels, but

maybe maybe maybe maybe it would feel

a lot better than this and so

you keep loving this person, because

love is what you know and you can’t stop but

even love doesn’t cure a loss,

especially a loss like this.

Everybody

Asks me what I’m doing and I shrug and

Give them a foggy answer that sounds like

A thunderstorm trying to be quiet and they smile like

They know what I mean

When they can’t possibly because

I don’t know what I mean and

Everybody

Turns to me and asks

“So I heard bits and peices of what happened, but can you tell me the story yourself?”

And so I give them my memorized brief synopsis of my series

Of personal tragedies and then end it with a shrug and a

“Oh well, you live, you learn” type statement

And they laugh and look away because

They know I’m just saying that to make myself feel better.

I find myself clinging to little vestiges of control by

Keeping up with what’s going on in other people’s lives because

Everyone has got their **** together and I guess

By surrounding myself with people who have their **** together

I’m testing the waters to see if I will become

A ****-together-kind-of-person which ends up being

An altogether futile endeavour.

All I can ever do, really, is be successful at admitting defeat

And somehow carry on

Despite how undeserving I feel of all

That is good around me.

I’m older now so I try to forget

But I get flashbacks

Of the every weekend endless parties

The music the drinking the smoke the laughter

The audible hell that was

The garage

The pretend family that was

Us

Me walking in to play you a song before bed

Which would turn into

You drunkenly doing your best at showing me how

To play Satie’s Première Gymnopédie


Which would end in me wondering how to say goodnight

While you would cry silently about nothing

On my shoulder.

I’m older now so you think I’d forget

But I remember

The first birthday you had after your brother died when

You downed a bottle or three in the span of an hour or two

I went upstairs to make sure you were okay

Only to find your friends had carried you from

The garage to your bed

Which made for the most perfect

Stumbling distance

Any drunk could ever imagine.

I’m older now so I pretend to forget

But the memories crumble with clarity at night

You, opening the bottle at five and passing out at one or two in the morning

Only coming in the house to **** and eat and banter

Oh, the endless banter

I had fun with messing with your mind and playing with your words

When you were gone

As you so often were, every night of my

Entire span of pretending to blossom. I never knew who you were going to be -

“Your dad is a drug addict you know. He’s not perfect either. What are you staring at?”

“Oh baby, you’re so brilliant. You know that?! You’re brilliant!”

“I miss him so much. I’m so so sad and lonely…”

“It’s not all about you, you know. Don’t let it go to your head.”

I learned how to be a numb construction worker,

Constantly working on the foundation of the walls

I was building to protect myself from you.

I’m older now so you’d think I’d forget,

You’d think the memories would fade with each passing year

You’d think the wounds would have healed by now,

You’d think I could call myself a strong young woman.

But I can’t, I’m tormented by remembering, I’m haunted still

I am a ghost

The voices yell at me, tell me to throw in the towel already,

Get rid of everything what a waste of space. They sound like you.

Sometimes I miss it, I miss the hell that was living with you.

I miss the consistency, the predictable time-frame in which I could depend

On you to be emotionally unavailable. When I close my eyes, I can still see

Your silhouette swaying in the hallway, your hand fumbling for the light switch

The demon that would come out of your mouth every time I said

I love you.

But I’m older now, I try to forget.

I half succeed in daylight

But the memories crumble with clarity at night

The memories crumble with clarity at night.

Don’t bother wondering

Why I left without saying goodbye

I learn from the best, I can’t help it I’m lost

Marvel at my vacancy

I can’t help it I can’t help you

Don’t bother asking

Why I came without saying hello

I learn from the past, I can’t help it I’m sad

Notice the overflow

Of all of these feelings that don’t know where to go

If I gave them all to you,

Would you wash and fold them and

Organize them please?

Tell me which ones to keep and which ones I don’t need?

I can’t help it I don’t know where I am

There were too many signs pointing me in the wrong direction

And not enough memories reminding me not to

Follow them

I’m a good song gone wrong and you

Are a television

Draining my potential

a sadness

that wraps around my heart and squeezes so tight

i can hardly breathe most days

it’s a snake that lives under my skin and moves

with sloth-like speed

i don’t talk about it because

there’s nothing to talk about,

there’s nothing to complain about,

there’s no real reason

to be this sad.

i don’t want pity

i don’t want questions

i don’t want attention

i don’t want affection

i don’t want to have to want

anything at all.

i may look pretty to you but i feel

oh so ugly living with this

snake under my skin

it takes all feeling right out of me and leaves me

alone with my tired heart that somehow continues

to beat.

there is a certain comfort in having no one left in your life

to lose

there is a certain consistency in my gaze

but i don’t want to talk about it, no

there is nothing to talk about because

the snake will ruin you

if you dare sneak into my heart

if you dare creep under my skin.

Your words, so pretty they enter
My brain and flood it with dopamine butterflies
Triggering thoughts and memories and I missyous and I love yous and
I hate yous and where are yous and I want yous but I cannot
Digest them anymore. I refuse them. I cannot do not believe them for more than
A few seconds.
Even now, I train myself to cringe. I train myself to deny. Reject. Avoid.
Love, a temporary season for you to give me
I am nothing more than one of the many melting ice cubes down your shirt.
I am melting,
Melting. I am
The puddle at your feet
You are knee-deep in spewing your
Words are what I longed for, for so many years
Had I had them then I might have swallowed them thoughtlessly.
Now I am closed up. Afraid. Your words are tempting yet
Your actions piercing evermore. I seem to attract people of the most intense,
Most compassionate, most real, most ****** up.
Most likely to be inconsistently there. Your fire breathing words melt me
I am
Melting
Melting
I am
Nothing
More than
The puddle at your feet, it's growing now
You are knee-deep in it

I want to give you all of the good parts of me,
The ones you deserve
The parts that are whole on their own, the silent parts
The ones that fall asleep with ease
The parts that have never rejected
Goodness or entertained the notion
Of an early death.
I feel crazy most days, I wake up and I'm someone
And by the time I get to work I am someone else entirely
Some days I get home and snap at my little brothers
Some days I get home and I'm giggly and jumpy and full of life
Some days I cannot focus on anything else
But my pain, my suffering, my illness
Some days I am nothing but completely
Consumed.
You do not deserve to have the bad parts of me,
But if you love me,
Then won't you love them too?
So when you ask me who I am
I will only tell you the truth of who I am
At that exact moment
But be aware, that person will have bolted
Fled into another life
And be replaced
By another person entirely by the time
You've hung up the phone and said, i love you, i will see you
Later. But who exactly will you be seeing later?
So take the good parts, while they're still here
Because by tomorrow I may have sinned
I may have taken all the goodness out of my chest
And burned it with your heart.
This has happened before and if it happens again, I'm sorry in advance
I just don't know how to make all of the
Flying particles of myself
Stand still.
How to make the goodness and the badness fit together to make
Something that might have the potential to be
Everlastingly beautiful.

If I could be anywhere
Right now
I would be in your living room
Enveloped in your scent
The sky would be crying snow
All would be dark
Save for the glow of a candle
Our bodies would move
In a gentle sway
To a tune that would define
That very moment
All would be simple
And full
Each sad spark,
Amalgamated.
We would be held
In the palm of
An imprinted angel
All would be pacified
And possible
All we would ever know
Would be that
Swaying moment of warmth
Haunted by
Togetherness.