sometimes i seriously doubt
if i will ever recover
from this loss,
this bruise
from losing you.

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night
to sweat soaked sheets and mascara-drenched pillow cases,
curled up in full fetal-position
and i think about you
and how i'm lucky that i even accomplish falling sleep
at all.

i think that's just the difference between the body and the mind -
the body won't stop contorting itself to match your
dissected heart
just because you did or did not decide to say
goodbye to someone.

and this is why i woke up with a knots like stones
inside of my back,
practically paralyzed
it's like my body is trying to punish me
for going against its
ferocious nature. all it wants
is to be back inside you.

sometimes i seriously doubt
if i will ever recover
from this loss,
this bruise
from losing you.

broken has made a cold home out of me.

I am an ocean.
And
you have
polluted every
inch
of me.

Not having anyone to fix or save or be distracted by is turning me into one vulnerable and terrified human being.

2. I’m surrounded by love everyday and it makes me realize that having romantic love with someone is not the be-all and end-all of life.

3. Sleeping alone does not make me a failure.

4. There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

5. A solid friend and a hearty laugh is better than any one night stand or three month fling.

6. I am still terrified of being abandoned and do not want to add on to the list of potential abandoners at the moment.

7. What even is love?

8. I tend to attract addicts, of all kinds, and by staying away from them I sometimes wonder if I will ever meet someone who will want to love me for who I am and not the false sense of security and comfort I can so easily bring them.

9. I tend to be attracted to addicts, of all kinds, and by staying away from them I am learning how to make myself feel secure and comforted.

10. Manipulation can be contagious. I don’t want to go there again.

11. Trust is something I look back on fondly but is no longer something I have inside my heart to give to the next person who decides to love me. I’m working on it. I think this one will take a long time still.

12. Finding and keeping a consistent friend is making me want to find and keep myself.

13. I am exhausted.

14. Commitment makes me cringe.

15. Marriage is a lovely thought but would be a pointless reality.

16. I have a lot of healing to do.

17. Finding pleasure in life does not have anything to do with another person’s body.

18. *** is not a joke and should not be treated as such.

19. Neither should your body.

20. Forgiveness is a foreign land I have always dreamed of visiting.

21. It is entirely possible to be young and not reckless.

22. We are not invincible.

23. It’s time to slow down.

24. No amount of coffee, crying, sleep, wine, or romance will cure me of the unrelenting emptiness.

25. Nobody taught me that choosing to be alone is actually wise.

26. I am changing.

ever since i stuck that letter in your mailbox i have:

cried myself to sleep
slept for 12 hours straight
felt sad for having to wake up
smiled at people
listened to my coworkers complain about being overworked
folded napkins
broke a candleholder and swept up the glass
walked into a table and felt the brewing of a bruise
spilled coffee all over the bathroom counter
missed you
wondered when you would read the letter
or if you already had, then i wondered how
it made you feel
came to the conclusion that i am a terribly clumsy person
when i tell the truth.

i cradle courage

while i can. By the grace of

God, I can do this.

Don’t let this ruin your night. You can’t control it, you never could control it, and that’s the reason why you went crazy.

Don’t go back to being that girl who lets her sadness define her.

The pain isn’t going to go away overnight and you know that is why it is 2am and you are still awake.

You have so many people in your life who love and support you. I’m sorry that the one person who should be there isn’t. It’s not your fault and I wish I could make it stop. I wish love could make people better but it can’t.

Don’t let this ruin you. You have to remember how strong you are capable of being because you have to get through this. Somehow. I wish it was easier. I’m sorry.

I sent you three poems
that reminded me of you
that were written by someone else
to remind you
that even after all that’s happened
you will always be important to me
that even after all that has
been left unsaid
sometimes someone else can
sum up
how I feel about you
better than I ever could.
and for once I am not
eagerly awaiting a response
from you
because I actually don’t need anything
from you anymore.

I am okay
without you. And
I really do hope you’re happy.

Wherever you’re at right now in life is totally okay and right where you’re meant to be. Don’t let your mind try and make you feel ashamed for not being more “successful” or more “friendly” or more “independent” or more “happy” or more of anything.
You are growing and loving and crying and feeling and it is going to be hard and it is going to be painful but it’s also going to be beautiful and worth it too. You’re going to unintentionally help people by taking care of yourself. Because you’re making the choice to live and it’s the best thing you’ve ever tried to do.
Keep trying.
You are where you are meant to be right now and that is the truth and that is okay.

constantly torn
between being here and trying to
make the best of it
and wanting to be 3,781.9 km
closer to her.
constantly torn
between not texting you back
and feeling guilty because
you’re drunk and you miss me.
constantly torn between
what I want to say
and what’s preventing me from
saying it.
constantly torn
between dipping my foot in
the ocean of freedom
and then pulling away when
the tide comes rushing in.
constantly torn between
noticing how much I remind myself
of you while also noticing
that I am nothing like you at all
and not knowing if that is good
or bad.
constantly torn between wanting
you to hold my hand every second
of every day, while also wanting
nothing more to do with you
ever again.
constantly torn between
remembering and forgetting
misplacing and replacing
trying and giving up
I’m just sad because I feel like
the word
enough
shouldn’t even exist.

In one year we went
from being two planets
that revolved around each other to
one trick question written in braille on a blank page.
Only one of us could not see.

i've been in love four times
almost five
but i stopped myself
like the moment you feel like telling someone the truth about something
because they seem like the kind of person you can trust
with something serious and personal and intense,
but then you stop yourself before
it's too late to take it back,
it was like that,
it was just like that.

i've been in love four times
and in a way, they were all small
repetitions of the first
but i think first love is like that,
when it ends, you just want to find it again
but you can't and so you keep trying
and then eventually
you go insane
with repeating the same thing over and over again
while expecting a different outcome.

and it's like reverse repetition
when you stop looking for someone to fill
your holes. and i never thought i'd get to this point,
being content with, finding solace even,
in the possibility of dying
alone.
perhaps its because everybody leaves, but
it's not really that,
it's just that i think at this point
i would be the one
to leave them.

i keep having dreams
about you
they are another version
of waking life
and sometimes i wonder
if there is any way out
of the shadows in which
you haunt me.

the sound of your laugh is the sound
of me not wanting to die anymore
the last day of this month could quite possibly be
the saddest day of this entire year
this has been the best month of my life and i don't want
it to end.

how
can time be both a curse
and a blessing
all at once?
i suppose it's similar to the life of someone
who is trying to die but keeps
on existing
someone who keeps the door for second chances
closed but never
locked.

one thing i've learned recently
is the difference between someone
who will love me always despite anything and everything
and someone who says they love me
because they're weak with word withdrawal and need
to hear it back.

i used to trust everyone, anyone
who would show a little bit of affection, attention
toward me. i'm glad
that phase is over.

you return to the house
 of ghosts
that have taken up
 residence in haunting

you wander into the backyard

you stand on each of the graves

of all of the people you have been

that you have laid down to rest

so long ago

you take a step closer

to the newly blossomed lilac tree

that you planted

on a day you were trying

hard not to be a ghost

the scent of beauty surrounds

everything
 and suddenly
death
 is not death

but an underwater birth

where drowning is blooming

and breathing is drowning

you pluck a lilac

you bring it home

you put it in a vase

and you smell it
until you can’t 
anymore.

i need a crash course for how to give someone an ultimatum
i need a guideline for how to bypass bullets of guilt
that always aim straight for the heart
and lodge themselves into the core of my chest
i need a technique on how to take them out of my body
without getting my hands all ******
without the terror and devastation of leaving
a pool of blood in the beds of everyone
around me
i need a how-to-stop-needing-your-mother guide
i need to find the-thesaurus-for-making-the-truth-sound-nicer
but no matter how i try to word this,
it always ends up coming out wrong.

get sober, or get out of my life.

this is not as simple as it sounds.

i am so done playing this game
i need a ******* mother who doesn't go from being
kind then manipulative then cold then apologetic then attacking
all in one hour
i need you to grow the **** up and set a ******* example
i've given up on you
i can't believe i just wrote that
i don't know how to tell you any of this
hoping hurts too much and i am trying
to convince these wounds to heal a little softer for once
i'm trying to be gentle with myself
and no matter how much i wish you could be a part of that -
the healing -
you still make me want to die.

everything about this is so wrong
so wrong so wrong so wrong

i'm not certain of a lot of things
but i am **** sure that the devil
is at the root of addiction - of every kind -
and i'm sorry for those who love someone
who is sick like this
there is no greater pain than this
there is no greater pain
than this
and i have never understood something
more deeply
than i understand
this and sometimes i wonder if it would be easier
if i never understood it
in the first place.

and I can’t help but
think of you every time I hear
the sound of Julian Casablancas’s
voice
and I can’t help it
I will never be able to listen to
the Strokes without
remembering why i loved you
and I can’t help it
there isn’t a single September I’ve lived through without
being reminded of the first time
we fell in love
and it’s quite funny actually
that even after all this time
you’re still my favourite muse
and it’s quite remarkable actually
that even after how much you
hurt me
I could never ever
not love you
you never did realize
how lucky you were,
did you?
or perhaps I’m asking myself
that same question
either way,
you’re still
there
in those songs
in those places
and it will always be
the most bittersweet
of returns.

the wind abused me today
while i was walking home from work
it screamed at me
to get going, move along
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR
it chucked dust in my eyes
and messed up my hair
it was loud and i began to cry
because my mind was also loud
and before i knew it, they began competing
in cacophony
until
i couldn't distinguish the difference between them
all i heard was
you're not good enough no one wants you
your mother doesn't love you you're a failure
waste of space waiting always waiting you're going
to spend your whole life waiting
what a pathetic little girl you are keep walking that's right
one foot after the other keep going don't stop
nothing will turn out how you want it to
you don't deserve anything good you never did you never will
and i just wanted to scream but i couldn't
sometimes i feel like if i'm quiet enough
then the physical silence will be like a lullaby
that will slowly lull the internal thunder
to hushed lightning
but that is rarely ever the case
i hate the wind
i hate this city
sometimes living gets so hard that it's a wonder
we all don't get a million dollar reward for living
through the worst hours, minutes, seconds
of our days
when we get so tired of existing but keep existing
anyway
how do we do it? how do we keep going like we do?
is it bravery or just necessity or just indifference?
i'm so tired
tired of existing
i just want to put ear muffs on and stay underneath
the covers forever
the hardest thing in the world
is being paralyzed with fear of the unknown
and living through it anyway.

you made me so sick
you made me so sick i made myself sick
with the intention of ending up in the hospital
or better yet, dead
all in hopes that i could give you a taste
of your own medicine:
layers and layers and layers of pain.

but that was one long drawn out evil endeavour
and i'm glad i didn't succeed
because life shouldn't be spent with the intention
of trying to die
just to prove something to someone else
because no matter how much death
is glamorized in this ******* society
there is nothing glamorous
about it
and in the end you will prove
nothing

there is nothing glamorous about
sticking your head in an oven
or drinking yourself into a stupor every single night
only to forget what you did or said or felt the next morning
there is nothing glamorous about
sticking your fingers down your throat
or carving poetic words into your inner thigh
just so you can feel or un-feel something

trying to die
does not make you
a tortured artist
it makes you
a miserable soul

yes, pain is useful
to create
without it i probably would not be writing this
but it does not define you
**** them all
**** society
stop trying to die to prove yourself to someone
dying proves nothing

take a hammer to the mirror
it's only a piece of glass
run into an open field and scream your lungs out
cry all of your fears out of your system like you did when you were five years old
stop being ashamed for feeling things
write down what kind of person you were this time last year
then next to it,
write down what kind of person you are right now
look at how far you've come
look at how far you've yet to go
be proud of yourself
think of the people who have left you
think of how good it will feel when you forgive them
think of someone who has left their footprint on your heart
now go tell them you love them
now leave your footprint on someone else's heart
make sure you tell them you love them

you matter
you matter
you matter
you matter
i swear to God i'm not joking
i don't ******* care if you don't believe me
and it isn't going to be easy
be terrified.
be brave.

you matter
you matter
you matter

**you matter.

i am a lost girl
the kind who will let you stare
into her ocean eyes for free
and swallow your compliments
profoundly eagerly
while always knowing
all nourishment is temporary

i am a lost girl
the kind who has sorrow burned on the inside
of her mouth
nothing can take the taste away
not even love not even people
who said they would stay
because she knows more than anyone
that they never do

i am a lost girl
the kind whose passion will tug on your heartstrings
so hard you will be able to feel
the vibrations throughout your entire body
long after she has left you
covered in kisses and invisible bows
stranded on an abandoned
railroad pleading
for release

i am a lost girl
the kind that knows what she wants
but does not have enough drive or self esteem
to keep  a solid grasp
for certainty has always been like sand
slowly slipping through her fingers

i am a lost girl
the kind that will settle on what little power
she has left
the kind that will sing you to sleep
if in turn you will tell her
just once
that she is beautiful regardless
of if you mean it
or not.

when you run into someone
you haven’t seen in over a year,
someone who you loved deeply,
still do,
someone who straight up
abandoned you
someone who only gave you
an echoes answer,
and suddenly they’re standing
directly in front of you and you
aren’t afraid to look them straight
in the eyes like you thought
you would be
and all you feel is love
which surprises you because
you aren’t used to
softening, you aren’t used
to forgiving.
and then without thinking,
you pull that person,
who is practically a stranger
to you now, into
a tight embrace, that is when
you know hesitation
no longer belongs to you,
that is when you know
that something inside you has
changed
for the better
while you weren’t looking.

i watched blankets of people
rip themselves off of you
one by one by one
you were no longer beautiful to them,
the wrong things became important to you
and so
they left and you
turned cold.

i still find you beautiful
but i have divorced my heart from you
there's not much to say when i see you,
not enough space to feel when i'm around you,
not enough affection to resuscitate
all of the moments you let me drown.

i don't want to hate you anymore, but
i don't want to love you either. both of them are
painful, so i get caught in between.

i wish i could wish you a happy mother's day
and feed into your belief
that you are a good mother, the belief you use to cover up
your deep seated self hatred
but i can't.

i will always find you beautiful
but i won't be around anymore
to tell you that.

it really is remarkable
that i have made it through another winter,
that i have chosen
to shed another layer of skin,
the layer i finally realized i didn't
belong in.

it really is remarkable
that our paths have crossed,
two caterpillars of different countries
that are sometimes mistaken for
future moths

for distance is not the same as death
and the beauty has outweighed the suffering
for it's not about where you are or what you want
to go back to
it's the feeling of joy
that you will always miss,
always cherish, always try
to keep alive when you part ways and are
suddenly alone when everything starts
to inexplicably make you cry.

but what i've learned is
that there is sunlight
in the darkest crevices of the human heart,
no matter how far you go or how much you'd like
to call your sadness
art.  

so reach out to those around you,
the ones that live to see you thrive
cultivate the goodness in your heart,
make the choice to water the garden that will end up
keeping you alive.

one of the most liberating moments
someone can ever live through
is the moment where they realize
that it wasn't their fault
that they were left.
the moment they finally decide
it's time to
forgive themselves
for thinking they deserved
to be
abandoned.

in three days i am going
to get on that plane
and as soon as i feel
your warm embrace
i already know
i am never going
to want to
come back.

i still have those pictures
from your disposable camera
you gave me five years ago
when my hair was still long,
when we were still in love.
i don't look at them anymore.
and to be honest,
i don't even know where they are
or when i looked at them last
but i find comfort in knowing
they are taking up some space,
somewhere, in this disorganized room of mine.

i still have your name carved into
the top of my ceiling
which is funny because
you were always the one so quick to define
the meaning of impermanence.
i guess all ceilings eventually
collapse.
i think i clung too tightly to the possibility
of you never leaving, and so i carved
your name into my ceiling to comfort myself
during all the noise that not even your name
could silence.
i don't look at it anymore.
and even though you're gone, there are some people
who leave traces of themselves behind
in the most obscure places that not even they
become aware of.

i still have all of the love letters
you wrote me when i was sixteen.
they are sitting in a box beneath a pile of books and papers
on the bottom of my bookshelf.
i don't read them anymore.
i contemplated burning them more than once,
but i stopped myself because
what's the point in loving someone if you can't even
prove that the love was actually there
after everything has been said and done,
after all of it has left you?
i get so terrified,
to think that perhaps memory
is more unreliable than anything, and so i keep the things
you gave me as secret stash to show
that
we
happened once.

sometimes i wonder what it would have been like
to have given you the chance to explain yourself
face to face
i will probably never
know what it feels like to land on the moon
but that does not stop me from
gazing at it night after night paralyzed
with wondering
how anything could ever be that beautiful.
somethings should be left unseen
while others, simply left
unknown.

skinny boy, all bones
no lies, that song will always
remind me of you.

i can't say i wasn't warned
in high school when teachers told me
that the world would soon chew me up and spit
me out and have
its way with me
i can't say i am surprised
that the friends i had then have since
vanished
one by one by one by one

i have since been chewed up and spit out by the world
but i have also treated it like a bone
always trying to catch up with it, always
watching always
observing always
trying to call it mine
other people seem to have an easier time
at making new friends
they go to shows or bars or school
and that's how they meet
new people
i don't go to shows or bars or school
so i don't really meet
any people

and i am content with that.
people don't understand it, i mean,
what's a life without something put
before it?
love-life
social-life
career-life
night-life
what ever happened to just
life?

i don't have room to put anything before it.
i don't have room for more people in it.
i don't have the patience to explain this to people.
i don't have the patience to meet new people.

and people always say
not to cling too tightly to the things you're afraid to lose
because then the chances of losing them
are higher
but clinging to the people i have
has saved me in a lot of ways
and perhaps i'm set
in those ways but the truth is,
i am one lucky *****
and i'm not about to let go of the love
i've been given
for anything.

you're like a warm sweater straight out of the dryer
you're like a Disney movie on a bad day
you're like the greatest dream of all time without
the disappointment of it not being real when i wake up
you're like the sound of applause after a terrifying performance
you're like a warm bath for an aching body
you're like looking at the sun and the moon in the same sky
you're like a million double takes
you're like the feeling of jumping through giant puddles in polka dot rain-boots
you're like the gold at the end of the rainbow
you're like a mermaid that glistens under water
you're like the first song i ever wrote
you're like puppy-kisses and newly hatched birds and scented candles and poetry
you're like holding a cup of hot chocolate while
wrapped in a blanket sitting by a hand made fire
you're the feeling of watching the first snowfall of the season
you're the feeling of getting 100% on a test without studying
you're like a quote by L.M. Montgomery
you're the feeling of watching a Mississippi thunderstorm
you're the feeling of watching the fireworks at Disney World for the first time
you're the feeling of aching abs after excessive laughter

you are my kindred spirit
may we never grow up.

out of the blue you asked me if
the reason we don't talk anymore is because
both of us are supposedly "busy"
or if it is because
i'm trying to get better
while you're still trying to die

i quit beating around the bush
and told you the honest truth
scared to death
of hurting you even more
than you already are.

"it's okay, i understand. see you on the other side."
was all you said.

it breaks my heart to know that there are
two connotations
to that answer
and i might never find out
which one you were
referring to.

i like the way
you stare at me as i define the word busy
i like the way
you ask me how i'm doing
i like the hungry look
in your eyes as i reply "fine" because that is not enough of a response for you
to live on
i like the way
you keep trying to pursue me
after i've already made it ******* clear i'm not interested
i like how you said
you're okay with that
even though i know you aren't
i like the way you try
to catch my eye every time i walk past you
i like the way i look away
because eye contact is for sore girls with sad hearts
i like that i am
a sore girl with a sad heart but
my giggle distracts you from
knowing that
i like how i challenge your pride
every time i say no-thank-you-i-already-have-plans
i like how you keep reaching for something
that is obviously invisible
because i can hardly remember if i exist or not in general usually
i like how you don't know
that i can relate to that feeling
of wanting something that barely exists to begin with
i like how i say goodbye to you
right before the back door closes
and never looking back
at you to see if you're watching me
because i already know
that you are.

i asked you for money
to contribute to my trip to Florida

because i am a horrible daughter
because you haven't worked for three years
because i was testing you
because it's wrong that i have a job and you don't
because i'm 21 and you're 45
because i know you're broke and wanted to remind you of that
because you have two children you're not taking care of
because you have three children total but i don't count myself as yours anymore
because you have a lot of growing up to do
because i wanted to feel guilty for asking
because a piece of paper has exceeded the worth of our relationship
because i'm about to go on the most amazing adventure of my life
and you're not even happy for me
because i need your support
because you're essentially absent from my life
because you're dating a drug dealer who supplies you with everything
because i need you
i need you
i need you
i need you
because i'm a horrible daughter
because i'm greedy for asking
because nothing is enough.

you made promises
you lifted my heart
you made me laugh
you made me sing
you got me inspired
you treated me like i was a creative equal
you gave me something to look forward to
you said we were in this together

and then you went on tour
without a word
and all i knew was
we would no longer be sharing
the stage
and when we see each other now
i have absolutely nothing
to say

i won't be coming to your shows anymore

and i wonder if you keep the image
of my face tucked away in a tiny hiding place
where you don't always have to see it
but find endless comfort in knowing it's there,
like the picture i keep of my mother when she was nineteen
in my wallet only having to look at it
when i ride the bus or purchase something
necessary or to show to people just so i can say
"look! wasn't she pretty! do i look like her?"
without hearing their response
because the answers are all
in the questions

and i wonder if your hands find themselves
writing tiny letters in your diary
letters that are born of the outline of our
memories
like the way my hands so often do
and i wonder if you have a reserved sign
sitting on a table in your heart for me
just like i do
for you

you ask me what i remember from the time those photographs
were taken and i will tell you:
nothing.

i do not remember the bittersweet wounds
i carved into so-called flesh, no
i do not recall the sleepless nights spent
wailing for mother to come back with arms
outstretched apologies rolling off the tongue, no
i do not remember the bones that ached
the swollen jaws
the inhale-exhale-inhale-hoping it would be
my last, no
i do not recall the fleeting lovers, the restlessness disguised as
wanderlust, no
i do not remember bonding with strangers in our
ignorant comas  nor do i recall
telling you you mattered to me
when you so clearly did not, no
i do not recall the lagging thud-thud of my
failing freight train heartbeat
i do not recall the passing days that handcuffed me to the
pride of being functional
i do not recall the futile retracing of my
weary footsteps
nor the devastating  discovery of the melted snow
i do not remember the betrayal nor the heartbreak
that trampled over me when you left
nor do i recall telling you i was sorry
when i so clearly was not.

you ask me what i remember from the time those photographs
were taken and i will tell you:
i was empty.
i remember nothing.

no, i am
not in love with you
you - however that word may be
defined
you:
one; anyone; people in general: a tiny animal you can't even see
you you you oh, you
who has been buried under the blanket of time
you, who i no longer
see

the term
out of sight, out of mind has never
applied to me
but i do believe
you can stay in love with a memory
long after a person
has chosen to
flee

no, i am
not in love with you
but i still look at your pictures
to remind myself that i was once very close
to someone extraordinary
as i know you are, still
even though you are no longer
anywhere remotely close
to me.

they placed ten pin bowling *****
into the backpacks of the ballerinas,
strapped them on their backs,
and made them dance,
lightly on wet cement
and if they made a single mark
then they were  sentenced
to choose between
a thousand lovers without a single
love
or a thousand loves without a single
lover
and if any of them could not choose
then they
were buried alive
underneath a new round
of wet cement
for the next group
of uncertain ballerinas
to dance upon,
lightly.

i remember the time
i told you all of my secrets  that one night
you drove me home

"please don't hate me"
i kept repeating
you looked at me all wide eyed as if
that thought had never crossed your mind

your innocence
should have
rubbed off on me

i still wish there could have been something different
i had said or done
that would have made you
stay

you made me feel accepted that night
but it was short lived
as all good things are

my heart was too malleable
for you
i will always envy your
penchant for detachment

I laughed at the way
you ruined my darkness now
you're gone and smiling.

sometimes I throw pennies
in the space where you used
to fill my heart
I listen to its hollow echo
the wish is always the same

all this time and I still don't know
why I didn't let you love me
perhaps it was because
we were partners in creativity
and I am by nature a restrictive
girl always cutting things off
so that they don't ruin each other
I always do this as if to save myself
just in case I find something
better
(this is called fear)

because too many things have bled together
inside and outside
of me
like permanent watercolours on a tablecloth,
and I've learned to stop the painting
from being finished before
I ruin everything again
stains like this have been stuck
inside of me
ever  since the moment I realized
you weren't coming back
to try and love me again

all this time and I still don't know
why I didn't let you love me
tonight I cast another penny
in the space where you used to fill my heart
now I know I was afraid of you
now I know that fear has been living inside of me
ever since the moment I realized
you weren't coming back
to try again

and that moment
is right
now.

the wish is always the same.

endless nights
spent on
wondering
if I cried myself to sleep
loud enough
would it wake you from
your nightmare of a life
and cause you to shout through a megaphone
across the sky
from your hot air balloon and say
"there is no place like home"
would the echo of your voice
be enough to convince the clouds
to let you land safely  in my arms
so I could finally whisper
"welcome home."

The prospect of physically going somewhere before you actually leave is somewhat surreal. It does not feel real until you are actually sitting on a plane, feeling yourself lift off of the ground. And in that moment of exhilaration you think,

“I am in the air. I could die right now and that would be okay.
I am leaving. I am returning. I am experiencing.”

And as you feel your heart leap into your throat, you can’t help but acknowledge that smiling is the only way you can even begin to catch your breath.

what happens
when your hours of sobriety
vanish ever so slowly
from
ten to six to five to two?
what happens
when you realize this drama
you keep complaining of
has nothing to do with anyone else
and everything to do with you?
what happens when I reach the age
that you were when you
gave birth to me?
will you finally cry
tears of unselfishness,
will you curl up in my arms
and ask me to sing you a lullaby
that sums up what I've learned
about womanhood?
will you feel how it feels
to have lived so long
without comfort or courage
to stay standing strong?
what happens when I can't decide
which side of you I want to be around
when I choose to stop choosing
when I feel without losing
when you love without using
up all the good parts
of me?

but I don't want you only
in the daytime
I want you all the time
maybe because I'm greedy
maybe because I'm needy
or maybe because it is one of the most
natural wants in the world.

you want a peer to get drunk with
not a daughter to fall in love with

my heart keeps
weakening
over all of this.

yes,
the devil finds work for idle hands
but he also finds thoughts for idle minds
and no matter what kind of
destructive habit we take up
it is always
the danger
that we are addicted to

the devil fills me with dangerous thoughts
when i have nothing real
to focus on

it's a scary thing to realize about yourself,
that you can not always trust
the things your mind comes up with
what doesn't seem to matter
or what seems like a good idea
at the time
usually actually does matter
and is a really bad idea
all the time
but we don't realize this until later on,
and sometimes we learn, and sometimes
it's too late.

but that's not what this poem
is about.
"too late" is too much of a tragic thing
to say,
because is it really too late?
for some, yes, i mean, i've seen it firsthand
and it isn't pretty.

but i'm not going to end up like that.
this poem is actually about how whenever my mind
feels ***** like this,
i say a little prayer and surrender to the fact
that i cannot trust myself
and so i run a steaming hot bath,
dip my whole head under the water,
and stare up at the white tiled ceiling
not thinking, not obsessing,
just breathing
this is one successful technique i use
that makes danger seem boring
and clearly unnecessary.

and so
no matter what thoughts the devil injects into my mind,
this is something i must always remember:
having a bath is better,
having a bath is better.

though we do not talk anymore,
i still think of you -
not my idea of you - but how you were,
as i knew you to be.
beautiful, like a swan
cute the way you would lose things
like your wallet or phone,
the way it almost seemed like you lost them on purpose
just to give yourself something
tangible to look for, to distract you
for a little while.

though we have spent more time apart without talking
than we probably ever thought we would,
i still smile to myself when certain memories
float like little clouds shaped as animals
over my heart.
like that night we took black and white photographs of ourselves
in my mothers bathtub, beautiful pictures
of us smoking cigarettes, and you said
"two girls. black and white. naked in a bathtub.
it doesn't get more honest than that."
and i smiled because you were right
and it felt like we had accomplished
some artistic feat, like the love we had for each other
was finally depicted into something that we had both
created, in the way great artists create things,
beautiful & brutally honest,
and i felt so much joy and beauty
in that.
i still look at them sometimes,
when my heart aches for you.

though you have hopefully replaced me
with better, kinder, balanced, healthier, supportive people in your life
i still think about you,
and although i do recall how deeply we both hurt
each other
i do wish the best for you
and i hope you're really
happy and that you finally feel
like the goldmine
you are.

you brushed my hair back from my forehead and whispered,
"why are you crying?"
"i don't know." i said.
how could i tell you it was because
everything about being near you was wrong?
how could i tell you that ever since i've known you
i've felt like you tried to take everything that was good in me
or maybe i gave too much away without thinking,
and now i feel like a shell of a human being?
how could i tell you that the reason i keep coming back to you
has nothing to do with me caring about you in any way
and has everything to do with the fact that i'm too weak to feel worthwhile
when being on my own?
how could i tell you that you owe me a million apologies without
you accusing me of how many things i've done wrong?
how could i tell you to let me go right now
without you asking me to list valid reasons why?
how could i tell you that my heart is tired, that i can't
do this anymore,
that the act of collapsing into your paper-cut arms is easier
than admitting i'm not okay?

"i don't know." is all
i can say.

you hurt me in a way that does not
fill me with anger and resentment or a desire
to get some kind of revenge on you
it's the kind of hurt where i feel like it was all my fault and it's hard
because we have a history
and there's an automatic attachment that comes
with that
but somedays i just get so scared that you might hate me and i think
in these moments i remember the few instances where you made
me feel loved
and i try to hold onto those memories for no
good reason at all i'm just so afraid
of not being loved
because i don't feel worth loving
because i'm not very good at
loving myself
and even though
you are the last person i actually need to be loved by,
for some reason i just can't let go
of the fear that you don't love me and i think that's because
of my refusal to accept that you never
loved me at all

waking up beside you felt like a failure,
talking to you felt like a compulsion,
you liked me because i was unavailable in every way
except physically
and i liked you because you were unavailable in every way
except you provided an inconsistent comfort
that i hadn't felt in years

i don't know who to blame
to must be you
it must be you
you were the first person who removed my insides
and stuffed me with false reasons for why
you felt like nothing needed to change
and i believed you because i have a heart
that is easily manipulated
i don't like thinking about it
but it sticks to my mind like a moth sticks to a lightbulb
and there is no switch
to shut
it off.

this time last year
i was a very different person
i was living on the north side of town
i was working a job i was good at, but didn't
necessarily enjoy
i was dating someone who said he loved me but was secretly
using me as a distraction and i naively
believed his lies because i was so wrapped up
in my own to notice let alone, care
i thought he was a man but he was just a little boy,
i was miserable
i was a vagabond, i didn't know where i was going to sleep next
i was just trying very hard
to cultivate the feeling of home by making sure i was constantly surrounded
with a rotating carousel of people and it was impossible, trying to please them all,
always being in a million places at once, both
mentally and physically.
i was working for my mother's ex-best friend who controlled and manipulated me
but i was searching for a new mother and she was the closest thing
i could find so i stuck around for a while
just to see if she could love me like a daughter but,
she couldn't, and she never did i was nothing
but an outlet for her anger and a convenient babysitter
for her 10 year old daughter and i felt bad because
i didn't sign up to be a role model all i was signing up for was
love and i was devastated to find that there really
was none there to begin with.
this time last year
my 88-year old grandfather was dying and all i felt
was jealousy
because i wanted to die so very badly but he died first
and i resented that but i kept quiet about it
because only horrible people
would think something like that but back then
i truly believed i was
a horrible person and i actually really did
just want to die so i could find some peace and quiet, at last.
this time last year i hadn't yet met the one person
who would change my life forever, i had no idea
my life and thoughts and emotions were about to be turned
upside down by this angel of a girl who offered me
an abundance of love and hope and complete understanding
and essentially, saved my life.
a year ago today i had no idea it was even possible to look
straight into someone's eyes and see nothing but your own soul
reflected right back at you.
this time last year
i was a broken excuse of a human being,
i was a thoughtlessly tossed piece of blank paper that landed
on the ground trying very hard
to inch its way closer to the trash can if only to be close
to some kind of feeling of belonging
somewhere even if that place was
nowhere special at all.
this time last year
i was a very different person and although i cannot say
i am right where i've always envisioned myself to be
right now,
i am thankful.
for love,
for hope,
for simplicity,
for family,
for friendship, -
the list
goes on.

we hurt so much sometimes
that we forget how remarkable it is
that we are all existing
right now
simultaneously
we can't meet every single person on the planet
but we can sure as hell try
because some of the people i would die to meet
stopped existing before i even started
existing
and that is a straight up tragedy

we are all existing
right now
at the same time
and it's a miracle and we forget it
because there is
so much too much
pain
but right now
it deserves to be acknowledged
because one day
we will all
be gone.

you're a really ****** friend
i became aware of it after everything started
to fall apart at the beginning of the ******* year ever,
2012, and after that,
you just kept getting
*******.
you think you have the whole world figured out
just because you
do yoga and
tour around Canada and
drive down to California and go on
meditation retreats and
play guitar

we used to be best friends and i know
that you wouldn't care if you never spoke to me again
not because you hate me, but because
you love me in a healthy, "unattached" way
(or so you say)
sorry but that's not love, that's pure indifference
and i read once that hatred is much closer to love
than indifference so
i don't really know
what to make of your
shittiness.

but every time i make an effort to contact you
i just feel like a fool
because i can't hide that i miss you,
i can't hide that i miss how
we used to be so close and how i used to feel
valued by you
you send me a "<3" and an xo and
then i don't hear from you for months and somehow
that's supposed to be enough.

you just are a really ****** friend and you
just keep
getting
*******.

sometimes i see the little green light
beside your name on
facebook chat
and i stare at it for a while, hoping a little
"hey! how are you?" might pop up
wondering how long i will have to wait
for you to notice me.
but then i feel pathetic because it's like
the majority of my life has been spent on
waiting
for people to notice me
and while half of me wants to be noticed,
the other half strongly wishes to remain
an anonymous quote you happened to
stumble upon in an abandoned library, or
a figment of your imagination
where every aspect of
myself
has been starved from each of your
senses
where you are left alone to wonder
if i ever actually existed
at all.