I never thought I
would say this but happiness
suits you, yes, it does.

no, darling. i do not hate you.
yes, darling. i am forgiving you. i am purging
myself of all resentment, hate, anger, conflict, and hurt
i am sweating it out, i am accepting how life is
as life is right now. ***** the idealistic idea of how i wish it were.
life is what it is and that is
enough.
you are enough.
the Mediterranean sea is in my eyes,
I am inviting you to come swim in them. I am asking you
to never dry off. You can breathe under the water
in my eyes. I promise I won't let you
die. Well, the good parts
at least, for death is a requirement for
healing. I can feel parts of me
dying with every passing day,
in a good way, in the way an undiscovered insect dies
so that their body can be used as fuel
for their young.
yes, darling I still love you.
no, darling you do not need to be perfect.
Come, dive into my eyes. can you feel the fresh sea water
embracing your skin? Are you smiling yet?
Take a deep breath and know
that you can breathe here forever,
a mermaid child that lives in the bluest eyes
of the purest heart. i promise i will let nothing
keep us apart.

it was a painful transition,
the adjustment
of not having you in my life
anymore
thinking our story was over
not aware that it was
to be continued
I was prepared for twenty years or more
of silence
and now that you’re back
and trying again
I do admit
that I am still
expecting the worst
because I know all too well
how fast things can change
I’m expecting you
to leave again
I don’t know any other
way to feel safe.
I love you
and even though needing you
is purely unavoidable,
I don’t know if I will ever
stop trying
to avoid it.

the heat is turning us into
*** crazed
hazed out junkies
looking for our next fix
of some kind of switch
that will turn our power
back on just so we can sleep
in a working refrigerator
long enough to remember
what winter feels like
until we get so numb we
start biting our lips until they bleed
pleading with the grinning dentist
to inject us with reverse freezing
we’ve all got a mouthful of cavities
with all the words we can’t bear
to say
words we keep swishing around
in our mouths like mouthwash
as if it were the cure
when we all know
prevention is better than any cure
there ever was
remember when I told you that?
remember when you wrote a song about it?
it’s a song you tossed into
a wishing well as deep as my fading
desire you tossed it so quick
as if the illusion of a clean slate
would change you and your fate
I suppose it did, in a sense
you can change your life
whenever the ******* want to
and you wanted to
and you did I was just a kid
disguised as an embryo
**** **** *******
on the *** of denial
you said “babe, I know you just
wanna be on fire"
and I said yes and doused myself
in gasoline and said
"light a match" and ran
but you could never catch me
because I became
a map
just so I could prove
that all was not lost after all
you were just a teeny tiny sigh
in the cathedral-like brothel of introspection.

timing is probably the most important thing
in the entire universe
when you really think about it -
it's like when a certain record comes out
and it defines that entire era
of your life
like the summer of 2001 when I was nine,
in the car with my dad on a hot summer day
and he stumbled upon "I'm Like A Bird" on one of the stations,
and we turned it up, rolled the windows down,
and we knew that that song would always be
ours.
and it's truly just so crucial to our existence,
the timing of things -
like when I met this beautiful person on the internet
who soon after became my best friend
and turned my whole life around. but the timing of it
was perfect and had i not met her right on that day of that month
of that year, i probably would not be remotely close
to who i am today.
and I already know that this summer is going to be associated
with Daft Punk's 'Random Access Memories', with "Get Lucky" blaring loud
on every stereo in the city,
it will remind me of Eisley's album, "Currents", and the song "On My Balcony"
by the band, Flunk.
Six months from now when I look back on the summer of 2013,
I will think of those songs and those records,
I will think of how hard I was trying to stay afloat and become
a better person, for nobody but myself,
and how good of a job I was doing with the action
of letting go of things that were toxic for me.
I will think of blonde hair and dancing in the rain, hot sweaty shifts
running around a crowded restaurant, being sad about how much time
I still have left until I get to see my favourite person again, and I will think of
boredom and sunburns and bad poems and love and hope and willingness
to overcome fear. And music. So much music.
This isn't really a poem but more of a very lengthy acknowledgment
regarding the importance of timing, especially perfect timing,
and how even bad timing is usually disguised as
perfect timing in the end.

i remember when you handed me a cloth
and a bucket full of soap and said:
"scrub."
i started to cry and said:
"you're treating me like i am Cinderella!"
you got so mad i hid in the living room closet
for four hours before you realized
i was gone.

i remember going grocery shopping with you
just so i could ride in the front of the cart.
you would always let me eat a chocolate donut
from the bakery section and i would always
make sure to be finished it by the time we got
to the till so you wouldn't have to
pay for it.

i remember the first time i stole a pack of gum
you didn't realize i had taken it until you watched me
unwrap a piece and stick it in my mouth right in front of you
when we got to the car.
you took me by the wrist and made me apologize to the
cashier, you told me i was bad and to never
do that again.

i remember being little and not wanting
to go to school because i didn't
want to leave you. sometimes you would let me
stay home and cuddle and watch movies with you
when i felt especially sad.

i remember you giving me piano lessons
and telling me to count out loud while
i practiced, meanwhile i had already
memorized the entire piece and was
making up new songs of my own.

i remember you telling me that i could always
tell you anything, that you would never judge me,
that you would always be there to listen and
comfort me. i remember believing you
and i remember the first time i realized
you didn't even know you were lying.

i remember sitting in the backseat with your
head on my shoulder while my Father drove you
to the detox centre. you kept saying how scared you were,
lighting cigarette after cigarette, squeezing my hand
so hard it cut off my circulation. your tears stained my sleeves,
and your vulnerability stained my heart.

i remember deciding it was time to lose you, finally,
on my own terms, for i had so many times felt as though
you were already a walking crime scene without the yellow
tape to ward people off. i tried but i couldn't make
a home out of that. it was time to learn the meaning
of safety, again.

i remember hearing your voice over the phone
after not hearing it for what felt like years,
and although you were a mess of tears and withdrawal
and ******, i could hear the love in your voice
and for once i felt my heart fill
with the temporary thing it has always wished for
consistently.

I told you I didn’t want
to go out with you again
you asked me why I changed my mind
I gave you no in depth explanation
because there isn’t one
I told you that
sometimes I just change my mind
and that it just doesn’t feel right.
you asked me when it would feel
right and I said
I don’t know, man.
most people don’t like taking
no for an answer
but when you give them no choice
it feels pretty **** good because
no is a perfect answer
and sometimes yes is a perfect answer
but there is no right or wrong answer.
All I know is that saying no
feels good and I don’t owe anyone
anything and I can do whatever
the **** I want. At all times.
you thanked me for inspiring you
to write a poem and I said
you’re welcome because I already know
I’m ******* inspiring.
we only went on one date but
I bet it’s the best ******* poem
you’ve ever written.
Or maybe it’s the *******, but
either way, I know no matter
what pretty words you came up
with, not one of them could ever
sum up my beauty or complexity
because words can come close
but in the end they will always
always
fail.