i just couldn't do this any more
you know just how much i do love you
and always will
I know that is the forever part
and i do hope you're ok
it's just that you were making me crazy
i will always love you
and always care
maybe if things had changed
you should listen to all of your voicemails
you are so **** angry in every one of them
i knew that you can be a handful at times
but you are set in your ways
you won't take the blame for anything
it's always someone else's fault
i can't
just cant
handle this never ending complaining any more
it is too much for me to bear
i don't want to hear it for years on end
i'm not trying to play poor poor me
but with everything that i'm going through
and even worse
dealing with my children is such agony
and i told you
your ******* went beyond my ability to deal
but i tried so hard to be accommodating
idk
i wanted better for you  
but i can't want it more than you want it for yourself
i guess
maybe
we are best to just move on with our lives
i don't need or deserve the bs
and that is what it will end up like
i don't want to remember you like that
Get out while the getting is good.
Plenty of fish in the sea with no baggage.
maybe some
but none like you
i like that you are unique
cuz it takes a special breed of ****** to be with me as well
and i know i've have built this life of mine upon a huge foundation of my own baggage
Well, i don't need your baggage too if you don't want to change.
You are a sweet man
and you know my heart is only wanting good for you
i truly wish you no bad
cuz you are your own worst enemy as it is
we have enough misery individually
and  I hate to see everything bug you.
u have been a good boyfriend to me
and i respect that you've always been real w me.  

take care.

i knew the second they cleaned up that baby and was handed him to hold
and i looked into his eyes
and shuddered
instantly
knowing he was the one
that my mom had threatened me with
"Someday you will have a kid that will cause you to get as many grey hairs and wrinkles as you have given to me!"

is easier for me to talk
to you
from email
than in person.
blame it on the writer in me
what i loved more than falling so hard for you
was the knowledge that i had found more than a soul mate
but a best friend
who will always have my back
because  one of the hardest parts of being single
was knowing that i was facing this world all on my own
and just knowing that i have your hand in mine
makes facing what ever challenges easier
knowing we are in in together.  i
am so worried that if i lose my ability to communicate with you
that i will just find my soul crawled up in a tiny corner of my heart
and it will never come back out
and i will spend the rest of my life
just going through the motions
like i have too many times in my life
and i want my new relationship w you to be unlike anything anything i could have ever known.

I am not  promiscuous or lacks standards,
but I am sensitive to romance and passion,
even to the point, at times,
of lacking impulse control.
I love life,  
and I love living in the moment
and I love trying not to let experiences pass me by.
I am at times flirtatious in public,
which tends to make me extremely sensual
and wildly uninhibited behind closed doors.
In fact, when the timing is right,
I am probably one of the most passionate of people
you may ever get the opportunity to know...

this  
isn't what you signed up
for
hoped
for
or expected
for
me to be
for
you

i moved my son from wichita
to lucas to protect him
and keep him safe from violence
and i took tai chi
and yoga classes from the murderer's mom
in order to have more serenity in my life
and i was scared for years that my son ran away
because he hated me, now i am sad that
my son hadn't ran away because he hated me

will you marry me

get rings that say Semper Amemus engraved on them?

Latin for Our Love is Forever.

get hitched at that out door church they have at Wilson Lake....

i thought of that as i was passing the beautiful water, thought it was prettier than any church and then...bingo....i am a genius lol

but any ways.....
this should all be your idea

so if u do decide u do want to, surprise me

When Colton went missing,
my life changed in every expected and
unexpected way and
i no longer had solid footing on any ground when it came to what i could hold onto as unwavering belief in or count on as fact.  
I think I decided very early on after his disappearance that I had either totally ****** up his life and failed as his mother and
I had caused this to happen and
it was all my fault and
I was to blame and
no punishment was sufficient enough to repair the grievous damage i had inflicted onto him
OR
I was totally egotistical,
full of myself,
shallow,
superficial,
self righteous,
attention seeking,
even vain and
his leaving had absolutely not one **** thing to do with me.
For the last 5 yrs I have mentally put myself on trial and
the prosecuting attorney looks just like that crazed Glen Close from the movie Fatal Attraction and all memories of the 17 1/2 years I had of raising Colton are admissible evidence.  
Very rarely when I am questioned,
harassed,
looked upon with utter contempt and
asked to redirect my answer only to the question as demanded by "Ms. Close",
that defending myself hasn't left me completely physically exhausted and
mentally drained and
spent from having to defend myself or concede once again of my guilt.

I don't know if I will ever allow myself to become acquitted of these self imposed charges that i mentally taunt myself with but since finding these stories about Larry, Justin and Colton and
reading about such hilarious and
heartwarming moments,
some which made me laugh so hard that i cried,
that mean judgmental ***** hasn't felt the need to put me on the stand lately

ME: gmorn i'm sore but will try walking today
FRIEND: What u sore from?
ME: my whole body aches from every day of the last few weeks
FRIEND: I see. Yes, start slow and do what u can.
ME: Was his death quick and painless or slow and agonizing? Do I want really want to know? Will a forensic pathologist supplying me with his cause of death provide me with that elusive state known as 'closure'??...I wake up but the nightmare never goes away....
FRIEND: :-( , that is very very saddening I don't want to give the wrong idea when I say that I've felt like I could relate to Colton when I hear you talk about him, because I was a pretty messed up kid and was in a lot of trouble, but very high spirited, and when trouble came I wasn't scared, but gave all I had. That's how I think, and I've thought about that.
ME: maybe he died "ok"?? its been 5 yrs but i'm just now feeling it....
FRIEND: Because u always kept hope that he may come home.
ME: ok as in he was brave and knew he was loved...
FRIEND: That is correct. I don't see fear from him. Maybe anger, but I don't fear. If anything he was worried about you, and if you'd be ok. Knowing u wouldnt is what scared him. Now u know, he is home He's been with u 'all this time. I've lived though a couple of those moments, and that's what I thought about, the ones who brought me in this world and my family cause I knew they loved me.
ME: if i had known that night the truth i would have no doubt about it, knowing my state of mind at that time, committed suicide ...it was graciousness that allowed me 5 yrs of slow torture.
FRIEND: <3
ME: you're good ppl

Dear Colton,
     Today you would have turned twenty-three and my whole world has changed since the last time I got to celebrate a birthday with you.  
Mundane events are seen now as extraordinary...
Random comments are recalled  now as ominous...
i see old memories now in a whole new light....
The pieces fit the puzzle now even if i abhor the picture...
   I am so sorry, Colton, for not trusting my gut that you would never just leave us of your own free will.  I am especially sorry that I will not get the chance to spend this day with you, and of all your birthdays to come.  
Your friends and family love you and we will never forget you.  
"There is always something there to remind me..."
Happy birthday, Son.
<3
Yo Momma
PS
I remember when I bought those shoes that for you.  
I thought were way too expensive but you talked me into it by telling me it would be an early birthday present and I'm glad I did.
You were killed 3 weeks before your 18th birthday.  
I know you loved them.  
You were wearing them the day you died.

i was at the my mom and
dad's gravesite
trying to do some soul searching and
really and
deeply missing them and
i will never get used to being an orphan and
life has been so difficult since they left me and
i took for granted how much love support and
an ever ready hand to move heaven and
earth to help me and
i didnt even appreciate it much less utter very many thank you's and
i would give almost anything, the rest of my life to have had just one more time of sitting at the kitchen table and
i would actually this time drink her nasty Folger's instant coffee and
when she died she left a jar of it and
although it only contains a hard inch layered congealed ball it is so comforting to open the cabinet and
see it still up there and
you want to try to judge me when instead i was sitting there on the ledge of their headstone watching the beautiful and
powerful electrical dry lightning and
feeling the wind hit my face and
i cried out to a god that i no longer even believe in to please have my mom cont to keep looking after her grandson the one she never admitted to, but over time it just became apparent of that she was most partial to Colton, the one that she had the special soup and
salad dates on special occasions and
i find myself agonizing about how whether my son is here on earth in the physical form or his physical blood skin organs and
bones have decayed into apparent nothingness but either way i want to feel that my mommy is looking out for him and
that i can have answers and
can at the worst case scenario be granted just a tiny piece of real estate to go and
release my grief and
have 1 place where i can finally have just a piece of peace and
know that he is with his grandparents and
i can visit and
memorialize him in the usual manner rather than having moments that can last for months of something that is truly a most insidious form of torture that i can't even grasp words to express and
i have been so blessed to be able to have you want to play martyr with that last comment?

hellraiser headbanger
time to party with the stranger
on the borderline of danger
troubled times all so fine
corruption is on my mind

been a juvenile delinquent all my life
but i'm still here so i'm doing something right
mama knows she can't handle me
so now she just leaves me be

let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load
let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load

take me down to the town
and we'll see just who's around
we will see what's to be seen
you're not as young as you are green
the high class can stick it up their ***
cuz the life for me is always fast
i don't care what they say
i'm gonna do it my own way

let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load
let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load

this mutant don't live the norms
i've had my bad habits since i was born
live the style of deviation
authority just tries my patience
songwriter streetfighter
the hangman pulls the knot a little tighter
but only if they can catch me
for tonight i am free

My child,
my 3rd born son,
although he wasn't my favorite child,
that role was reserved for which ever child needed me the most at any given moment,
he was the kid that was so much like me that we had the most extreme love/hate parent/ child relationship that 2 people could have.  
we had at one time the ability to say a single word,
maybe 2 and know what the others sentence was and to that,
the reply was a single word or 2 back kinda like that language that twins can have and we drove people crazy as they listened to us say 1/2 sentences which made no sense to anyone else but we laughed at our own private jokes that were sometimes told with 3 ****** expressions,
2 hand gestures and the sound of what turtles make when they are mating and we had hours of this.
had.

the mere poorly manufactured body that we are given
is such a flawed design
and piece by piece it lives way past it's warranty
and in the end
just the very act of living
has been too much for it to handle,

if i had been a better mom he wouldn't have gotten murdered
stop being such a drama queen, even the serenity prayer insists that i accept the things i cannot change
i didn't deserve to be his mom so the lord gave and the lord took away
i won't let his death influence the way i raise his younger brother

my purpose of those yearly vigils
was primarily
as an effort for Colton
to hear
through the grapevine
in one form
or another
that he was
not only
not forgotten
but that he was
extremely
well loved
and sincerely missed
and to show Colton
that whether his leaving was unintentional
as in
afraid to come home for missing curfew
and 1 day turned into 2,3,4
and by that time he may have felt
that he had painted himself
into a corner
and I wanted him to
not feel embarrassed
or humiliated
that this had gone on
as far as it had
because, hell, the whole world that knew him
or at least his family
and friends
were willing to have a party
and he was the guest of honor!!!!
No, it's not like
I ever had that fantasy
that in the middle of pizza
the first year
or grilled burgers
that last year
that he would come walking up
and join us
although it was a comforting story
we all let run through out minds
at least once
or twice
as we planned these events
ea September
although
my once upon a time story
usually had Colton
walking in the back door
as i'm doing dishes
(see, it really is a fairy tale)
and in typical Colton fashion
he tries to play it off
tries to play me
with a "Hi, Mom"
and act like nothing had happened
and I am torn between hugging him
and grounding him
But actually
I know I would have done
what I always did
to all of my children
whenever they came back from camp
or being with the other parent
or whenever
I had gone away
from them
for any length of time
was sniff their head
and get that scent of them
just like when they were babies
although teenage head is not the same smell
especially if they haven't washed their hair
it's a mom thang
(Did you kids know this
or was I slick when I did this)
Or had Colton purposely planned
his get away
in an effort to start a new identity
knowing in hindsight
just how horribly stressed he had been
with events occurring to him
at such a young age of 17
and it was bittersweet
to hear the new Shinedown tune
playing at that time
Second Chance
where the singer tells his parents
goodbye
and I wanted him to find out
that the Colton Ross Barrera
that he had tried
to leave behind
was still very much needed to come home
And at one time
it used to scare me
that my son ran away
because he hated me
now i am sad
that my son
hadn't
ran away
and now I know
he didn't leave
and that his life
was
taken
from him
and yearly candle light vigils
(I didn't even know for sure how to pronounce that word until 5 yrs ago)
are not going to bring him back

in the words of James Brown i feel good today
life tried to knock me down and although it's aim is okay
im still standing upright cuz life is lame on the pitch
I'm going to be alright cuz life punches like a *****

No one told me
so i'm telling you
i expected grief to feel like sadness
but i wasnt told that
that it makes your whole body ache from morning until night
and even in your sleep
and that it makes your hands sting from numbness
making buttoning your jeans impossible
and that some days clumps of your hair fall out
but having a good hair day is the least of your worries
and morbid thoughts attack like being ***** slapped upside your head
hurting so bad you actually pass out in mid sen--
But it's nothing like the sadness i had expected to feel
i've known clinical depression since age 4
and that feeling of curling up in the fetal position
waving the white flag of surrender
trying to make yourself into the tiniest ball of nothing
But grief is a flammable substance
and you can feel it as it ignites the flame of your soul
it feels like being angry in a righteous way
like when jesus knocked over the flea market vendor's tables at the temple
like being so ******* at all of the scales that are inbalanced
and it is the fuel that makes you want to correct the injustices of the world
and become larger than you are
and shower love compassion and truth over evil
no one told me that grief feels like this
so i'm telling you