a two year old
runs me ragged
stubborn
persistent
and bright
total mass of energy
whizzing by
i can barely perceive
his speed of light
he keeps me busy
fatigued
but well entertained
whiny demanding
frustrating
straining my brain
my baby's growing up
and getting cuter
every day
but since he's only on loan
i'll keep watching him play
------------------------------------------------------------­-
He dunks his corn dog in his milk
watches the drips trail his plate.
Innocence not realizing the improperness
delight obsessed
and couldn't be bothered with no's from Momma.
She stops rebuke to question why
can't one dip corn dog in milk
and watch the drips trail the plate?
Is it too radical
anarchical
does it harm another
or must be governmentally sanctioned?
The child knows none of this.  
He takes a soggy bite and licks his plate.
Tomorrow he can learn etiquette.

i keep Colton's senior year HS photo
on side of the fridge,
cuz when i used to cook dinner
he would get right in my ear
and sing in falsetto soprano voice
to such songs like
Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love
and bother me as i stirred the meat
singing to me getting me all flustered
until i would shoo him out of the kitchen,
so now when im at the stove
i look over and wink
wishing he could bug me one more time...

I have a candle lit for him;
don't want to make a big "to-do" about today,
just a simple remembrance,
a simple prayer,
and hope that despite
or maybe because of this loss,
I can be a better person
and be a blessing
with a random act of kindness
for some one today
in his memory.

I had to let go of my last crumb of denial that he was still alive
and although the pieces fit the puzzle as to what really happened to him
becoming a picture more horrible than i could have ever imagined,
the insanity of year after year of looking for a son
who seemingly vanished off the face of the Earth
was relieved of me.  
He didn't leave because he hated me
for being a failure as a mother to him
and I began,
from the moment I learned the truth of what happened on that day,
Fri. Sept. 26, 2008
forgiving myself a little bit at a time
right up this day,
6 years later in order to live with myself
and to be able to forgive those
that contributed to the taking of his life
and taking him from us.

in the last 6 years
I have learned the hardest part of all this
has been forgiving myself
and desperately hoping that
in the big picture,
some how all of this will make sense
or at the least,
through the passing of time,
the pain will have lessened
and acceptance
and healing will occur
making the idea that maybe,
just maybe,
all that talk i'd been taught,  
considered,
relied on,
believed in,
questioned,
doubted
but eventually rejected,  
about life after death
and of souls that go to Heaven
might actually,
possibly be true
and  that he is ok.  
Probably more okay than the ones he left behind.  
God,
and I pray there is One,
I hope Colton is ok.  
If there is no hope of ever seeing him again,
his death will never make sense to me
and life here on Earth
is simply pointless
and insignificantly meaningless.
However,  
I've chosen to believe otherwise,
and If I am to gain some lessons
and use my life for a greater purpose
rather than to continue living
as that all too comfortably familiar self centered,
ungrateful,
entitled person that I was
before that Friday morning,
6 years ago today,  
and am still but hopefully not as much,
his life
and his death
weren't in vain.

i am just a mom deeply missing my son,
the real boy,
not the story i've repeated about him too many times
and definitely not the face of a teenage boy
who will never age on those **** missing child fliers,
but my son whose voice i can no longer remember the sound of
or whose hair i can no longer remember the smell of
when i would slyly sniff his head
I also miss his lost opportunities
of graduating high school,
getting to grow up,
move out,
date all the girls he could ever want,
falling head over heels in love
and marrying one that would steal his heart,
finding his dream job
or even working at hundreds of hated ones
until he found his calling,
and his babies,  
i miss the babies that he never got the chance to have,
but mostly,
i just miss that chicken **** of mine,
Colton.

it comes with some difficulty being the mother of a ghost
but being your mom didn't end at your death
and perhaps it continues even after mine
for many years i thought you were out there, a missing runaway
i'd send you a simple msg
via text msgs, email notes, fb posts
and even though i now know the truth
you never received them
the words still ring true
"I love you and I miss you, Colton, and I will never give up hope of seeing you again"