i was so freaked out when i took couple of hits off that joint this morning cuz my first thought that there was no way that i was gonna be able to drink enough water to pass my **** test in a couple of days
and then i was so mortified that i would have to go back to day 1 of my recovery losing over 15 months of clean time-
THEN I ROLLED OVER
and in my half consciousness i realized to my relief that it was ONLY A DREAM
and i was fully awake by then
and i got out of bed mad at my brain tricking me,
glad that I hadn't relapsed
and in tears I got out of bed
and on my knees and thanked my Higher Power for this blessed gift of recovery!!!
I don't know if it was being on the nicoderm patch, PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), or what, but I kinda think i will blame it it being 4/20

i just couldn't do this any more
you know just how much i do love you
and always will
I know that is the forever part
and i do hope you're ok
it's just that you were making me crazy
i will always love you
and always care
maybe if things had changed
you should listen to all of your voicemails
you are so **** angry in every one of them
i knew that you can be a handful at times
but you are set in your ways
you won't take the blame for anything
it's always someone else's fault
i can't
just cant
handle this never ending complaining any more
it is too much for me to bear
i don't want to hear it for years on end
i'm not trying to play poor poor me
but with everything that i'm going through
and even worse
dealing with my children is such agony
and i told you
your ******* went beyond my ability to deal
but i tried so hard to be accommodating
idk
i wanted better for you  
but i can't want it more than you want it for yourself
i guess
maybe
we are best to just move on with our lives
i don't need or deserve the bs
and that is what it will end up like
i don't want to remember you like that
Get out while the getting is good.
Plenty of fish in the sea with no baggage.
maybe some
but none like you
i like that you are unique
cuz it takes a special breed of ****** to be with me as well
and i know i've have built this life of mine upon a huge foundation of my own baggage
Well, i don't need your baggage too if you don't want to change.
You are a sweet man
and you know my heart is only wanting good for you
i truly wish you no bad
cuz you are your own worst enemy as it is
we have enough misery individually
and  I hate to see everything bug you.
u have been a good boyfriend to me
and i respect that you've always been real w me.  

take care.

i knew the second they cleaned up that baby and was handed him to hold
and i looked into his eyes
and shuddered
instantly
knowing he was the one
that my mom had threatened me with
"Someday you will have a kid that will cause you to get as many grey hairs and wrinkles as you have given to me!"

is easier for me to talk
to you
from email
than in person.
blame it on the writer in me
what i loved more than falling so hard for you
was the knowledge that i had found more than a soul mate
but a best friend
who will always have my back
because  one of the hardest parts of being single
was knowing that i was facing this world all on my own
and just knowing that i have your hand in mine
makes facing what ever challenges easier
knowing we are in in together.  i
am so worried that if i lose my ability to communicate with you
that i will just find my soul crawled up in a tiny corner of my heart
and it will never come back out
and i will spend the rest of my life
just going through the motions
like i have too many times in my life
and i want my new relationship w you to be unlike anything anything i could have ever known.

I am not  promiscuous or lacks standards,
but I am sensitive to romance and passion,
even to the point, at times,
of lacking impulse control.
I love life,  
and I love living in the moment
and I love trying not to let experiences pass me by.
I am at times flirtatious in public,
which tends to make me extremely sensual
and wildly uninhibited behind closed doors.
In fact, when the timing is right,
I am probably one of the most passionate of people
you may ever get the opportunity to know...

this  
isn't what you signed up
for
hoped
for
or expected
for
me to be
for
you

i moved my son from wichita
to lucas to protect him
and keep him safe from violence
and i took tai chi
and yoga classes from the murderer's mom
in order to have more serenity in my life
and i was scared for years that my son ran away
because he hated me, now i am sad that
my son hadn't ran away because he hated me