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Life.
Confined to bookmarks
On a
Chrome Browser.
Pathetic
The time I've wasted.
Get up!
Get up!
Get outside.
Without the computerphonezune.
Walk
Run
Read
Breathe
The air, it's sweet out there.
Stuck in a cubicle
Sunshine doesn't exist anymore.
ScanScanScanScan
Blueprint after blueprint.
The fine blue lines creeping into my skull
Show up in my dreams
Ink stains my fingers.
Blue Blue Blue
I want to see the sky again.

Chill out and trust Him.
5 little words
That have so much power.
Power to bring peace,
When peace is what I'm missing.
Patience,
When I lack it.
And sleep,
When the weariness
Overcomes me.
Chill out
Calm down
Let it go
Trust Him
To take it
To use it
Peace, Patience, Sleep
Weariness overcomes me
But You life me up.
Trust Him.

Sometimes I feel like closing my eyes
Shutting out the world
But the world will not be shut out
It bounces the walls of my mind.

Sometimes I feel like a stranger
To myself
Therefore a stranger to all
Yet somehow everyone knows me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting
For everything
For nothing
For myself and for you.
But why should I fight for you?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not
pretty
worth it
alive
fillintheblank.

Sometimes I feel like I
really deserve everything
that's happened to me.
Or will.

Sometimes I feel like I
Should have done things differently
I never should have told you
I never should have told you
That day in the park.
That day on a walk.
I told you so may times.
Did you hear me?
Did you hear me?
Did you hear me?

Sometimes I feel like
You didn't hear me.
You listened
But you didn't hear me.
I have to believe that if you heard me
Things would be different.

Sometimes I feel like
You heard me.
But you didn't care.
You didn't believe me.
You thought I was kidding.

Sometimes I feel hurt.
When I see you and you smile at me
While you hold onto her hand.
What do you see?
What do you see?
What do you see?
Look at her at me.
What do you see?

Sometimes I wonder.
What did I do wrong.
Everyone said we'd be so right.
What did I do?
What did I do?
What did I do?
Is there anything to do?
What can I do?

Sometimes I want to know
Why?
Why everything?
Why are the tears welling up in my eyes?
Why am I here?
Why did I do this to myself?
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

No good will come of this.
I've been here before.
Or so I thought
You're different
from everyone else
that has never made me feel this way
like I matter
like I'm important

Sometimes I speculate
Is it different?
Oh it is.
I've lost my filter around you
you make me
say
feel
do
things I wouldn't normally.
I can
say
feel
do
things I always think
but never say
and you accept them
you welcome them

Why?
Better question
Do you even know what you do to me?
Do you even know?
I don't think you do.
It doesn't matter if I've told you or not.
I don't think you really know.
I thought we could be something.
Maybe I'm just impatient.
I'm impatient.
I'm a hypocrite.

I can feel the tears
they are behind my eyes
threatening to well up.
But they will not fall
because i refuse to cry for you
i will not cry for you
i will not cry for you
because i do not regret this
hardship
learning experience.

it takes two
i am one.
i cannot do this
i cannot keep
wanting
pining
longing
liking
crushing
thinking
thinking
thi­nking
of you

I need you
out of my head
out of my heart
not that you were ever there in the first place
because you didn't want my heart
not yet?
Not ever.

I wish I would let myself cry.
because then you could be like everyone else
just another night
crying
crying
crying
till I
sleep.
But you have to be different.
I'm resigned to sleepless nights
writing
writing
writing
this nonsense of thoughts
that have been piled in my head
waiting for me to throw at you
like little daggers
but these words don't hurt you
they only hurt me
because you feel nothing
did you hear me?
what did i do?
what can i do?
thinkingwritingwhy
I want you to be the same
because then i can get over it
the same way i do everyone else
but you are not everyone else
you are different.
why are you different?
please stop.
i need you to be the same
i need you to not care
i need you to make me cry.
because the fact that
i can feel these tears
but they
will
not
f
a
l
l
.
It makes me mad
sad.
but not sad enough to
cry.
I want to cry myself to sleep
but your differentness keeps me awake.

Words
Cloud my mind
But silence pours out
On this page
Emotions
Turn the contents of my stomach
Forming in the back of my throat
I want everything to go right
But everything is wrong.
Head in the oven
Head in the oven
I’ve got my own methods
I’m writing you letters
I’m writing down words
That somehow will tell you
Everything
That I haven’t already said
Out loud, spat at your face
I wish those words would
Crawl back into my mouth
But I don’t regret them.
Presentation
That’s what I regret
I don’t know why I write to you
You’re a critic
Journal poetry
Don’t let it rhyme
All this is
Writing thoughts
Hitting enter
New line
New line
Emotion in every word
What I feel
It’s alright.
I’ll be okay
Don’t worry about me
I’m big girl, sir

I’m shutting this down
I’m closing it up
This book that I’ve written
This chapter I’ve read
I’m burning it to pieces
And I couldn’t be happier.
This is the end of the same old same old
Different doesn’t exist anymore
I don’t think it ever did.
I’m tearing this down
I’m ripping it up
This picture of you
And me in my head.
Look what you’ve done
I’m writing freakin poetry
Nonsense of words
That string together
And people praise it.
My eyes hurt
I rub them
And we call it poetry
And this is what you
Want to write?
Write Write!
God please write.
It’ll make you happy
Oh but wait,
Happiness is an emotion
You don’t feel those.
Sorry dude
You’re straight out of luck
I guess you’re stuck.
Oh wait?
I’m sorry
Did that just rhyme?
I’m walking right past you
I’m ignoring you straight
Because I’m worth more than
Anything you could ever give me.
And I think I’m okay with that.

i've been dreaming these dreams
and you're there
with your arms wrapped around me
the catch?
you are not there
don't exist
i think i've made you up inside my head
a line
stolen
like my thoughts of you
and i've been sleeping this way
years and years
it's second nature
and now
i just can't do it
i can't pretend
that you could love me
the way i pretend
i do.
So here I am
Alone
in my head
and as i sleep
But I've only ever
ever
ever
been alone.