I'm using this experience,
to become someone better,
a person who devotes more time to themselves,
and their own self pleasure,
I'm going to stop being 'me'
and start as someone else,
I'm going to tackle all my problems
and not leave them to cascade.

I will be the stronger person,
confidence will envelope me,
and I will rid self hate,
I will wear kaleidoscope colours,
and plait my wild hair,
I will light incense and candles,
and not give a ****,
I will get good grades,
and work as hard as I can,

I am over all of this,
although tears have been shed,
I am good enough,
and I won't just hide away in bed.

we believe in quotes,
and passages from books,
lyrics from hurt singers,
and verses by troubled souls,
we believe in little reassurances that help us realise,
although alone,
this exact feeling has been dealt with a million and one times previously.

don't fall in love,
because you'll be the one that falls harder,
deeper,
faster,
and they'll leave and you'll just have those feelings,
and the constant reminder of them in everything you do.

I can't see anyone loving
my pudgy ugly face,
my wonky smile,
and dull eyes,
my stance and sway,
the size of my feet,
my laugh when I cry,
or the giggle that comes with joy,
the way I crack my fingers,
and how I arch my back,
I can't see anyone adoring a single thing about me,
can't see them longing,
to hold my little hands,
to squeeze me and pick me up
whenever I feel down,
I'm not very lovable,
I'm sure you all will see,
because there's far more within,
I am someone I would rather not be.

so long my lover,
I'm through with all this,
leave me alone,
I want silenced bliss,

for everything to stop,
and nothing to go on,
my heart to no longer drop,
the thought of you to bring shame.

so long my lover,
eternal is what I longed for us to be,
but that was true for me to you,
but not from you to me.

sore throat and dreary lungs,
I suffer the pain of carrying on,
heavy like a load on my spine,
the weight that has filled my busy mind.

they crawl on,
as I pull through,
trying to stay in tact,
attempting to find
who I truly am,
pondering thoughts pass,
moments become memories
that my brain won't always hold,
the hands mark each number,
and everything blurs to one.