my heart flutters
when you bite my lip

just the high i need
to survive the next flip

before i realize again

i'm an invisible passenger
along for your trip

you say i love you
but you love me less
than the gun on your hip

grandpa peyt is up late!
he usually can't wait
to be in bed by eight
his energies abate
new day clean slate
night owl? can't relate
he also thinks ben franklin's great

rest assured!
the universe hath spoken to me
through synchronicity
numbers all i see
one two three three three
scattered intentionally
precision in mystery
the more you look the more you see
look at me
writing all this poetry queue rhymes and lines to cope with reality

heading out
say i'm nearly done
i'm only half packed
leave the space behind me
lookin like its ransacked
picked out nothing
look around like that's wack
wish I could get my mind
to just stay on track
dilly dally wasting time
on no! now there's less
now i'm pressed
let me waste more
with a panic attack
it gets old
until you really step back
notice how you react
and what that attracts
don't let trapped past get in the way
that's a trap
when you're tryna stack
and only when you truly want
to change
you make that pact
to you higher self
to make the choice of what you wish to attract
imagination seems abstract
til you see through the so called real world
as nothing more than an illusive act

i feel alone again, what's new
nothing i haven't already been through
another him, another you

maybe i'll never be enough
for my self

being around people scares me
seeing couples again makes me nauseas
observe from the outskirts
close my lips, guard up, stay cautious

in the midst of anxiety
the k holding me up
asking why? what's the attachment
i'm losing it.
what are you losing ?
but comfort in your own sobriety

feel the body
say i'm sorry
say i'm sorry
and mean it
say i'm sorry
and feel it
feel both sides
feel the apology
and feel some remorse
for turning your bodying a corpse
or for wishing to be one
what are the feelings revealing
dredging up everything
i've ever been concealing
here and there
twenty three and four
i hit the ceiling
the limit of capacity for my nerves
seething

i'm not asking for your mind
just a little time- to open it
layers of energy
in your nerves confined
open your body
to feel the thoughts unwind
takes a little chaos
a little shake up
to realign
said i'm fine
i was not fine
limiting beliefs
hold my self back
from my true potential
view the path as linear
when it could be exponential
keep in mind
it's not all so easy to unwind
being alive is all experimental
when you return to the body
you're not just mental
when's the last time you asked your organs how they feelin
ask your kidneys how they be today
are they tired
stagnant, reminding your brain to feel afraid
how's your liver
furious
remember starting out just curious
before realizing the world around us all spurious
what a distant feeling
assuredness
now carry on

i'm waking up and glowing
glowing up and growing
never slowing
down
you can't see my worth
that's okay
i don't need you around
as i'm flowing
in the clouds
knowing
it's all just noise
sound
i love you and i know
that's sappy
but i don't need you to be happy
and i can't wake you up
ego so asleep like 3 bars deep
where the demons creep
suffer
suffer
til you look them in the eyes
their lies are your lies
or are your lies theirs
blow a kiss good night
leave you sleeping in the dark
as my soul fills with light
you can't even see my glow
when darkness is all you know
you can't see my shine
too blind
for feminine divine
*****
is that what you'll call me
no matter
i'm seeing my worth
my value
the love i deserve
you have my heart
gave it to you my self
and you have the nerve
no, it was never yours to have
now i'm taking it
back
i'm awakening
and maybe there'll come a day
you'll wake up too
rub the sleep from your eyes and you'll see
that you threw my love away

i don’t need you to abide
now come inside
my mind
don’t be alarmed
at what you may find
coursing rivers, changing tides
up, down, around like roller coaster rides
climb up ladders, then down the chute
oh the universe
shoots down my pride, rapid fire
tears glide down my cheeks, slip n’ slide
like my *****
slip n’ slide
there’s my other ride
you can ride
if you’re tall enough
and get in line
anyways, jokes aside
looks like estrogen and oxytocin have arrived
oh **** again with the slip n-
nevermind
feeling love?
-DENIED-
convince my self i don’t need it
never have, never will
my heart has never yearned, not me
i’ve never pined
not on my watch
logic brain
like bad cop
in control total control
after all this time
won’t be undermined
by fleeting heartfelt sorrows

do horse tranquilizer to unwind
back to childhood, rewind
when you venture behind the conscious mind
they say love yourself! nope. tried.
they say you’re not fat you look fine!
but that never applied
obviously, they all lied
alas-
the above,
the below,
pitted on opposing sides

suffocate the heart
til she’s no more than a whisper
through all the ego noise
a murmur
heart murmurs-

{{
      now- in the latter, im speaking metaphorically
no, physically i’m good!
that’s a stretch
i’m fine!
i’m alive.
my heart chambers be pumping
still beating and bumping  
like my nostril
like heavy bass, chord progression,
switching keys
oh, back to my nostril
anyway, consider this a footnote
a brief aside
i’d appreciate your discretion
regarding my digression.
                                                           }}

sometimes i feel like i may be too kind
take care of everyone
while my own chaos brews
going all soft, falling in love
as if the stars aligned
but stars won’t align
when you’ve not aligned inside

i erased my self,
now i face my self,
in my mirror
all lined

nobody prepared me to graduate into an an abyss
they said get a degree it's all you need
but they didn't warn me of this
i followed all the steps,
passed all the tests,
scored all good grades,
but still i'm afraid there is something i missed
21 years
21 years my whole life's lead here
now i hear
find a real job, start a career
yet i fear i'm nowhere near this ideal
feel like nothing is real
or something's amiss
and i really believed i could achieve this dream
clung to a fantasy called expectation
a fantastic dedication that all
falls
falls
falls
apart
in a violent eradication
upon graduation
how bitter
of naivety to reminisce
to sobriety and variety
and illusionment before dis-

empty roads
and solitary houses
muddy creeks
their rippling currents
flowing softly
to the marshy swamp
pooling and dripping
and soaking deep into the rich soil
ribbons of grass
sprouting from the creamy earth
kissed softly
by hazy sun rays
emanating from
grey cotton clouds
that blanket the sky
and hug the mountaintops
charcoal cormorans
perch on the branch
of a tree submerged
by the still pond
that mirrors the earth

need a budget and a rhyme for that
in a flow don't wanna fudge it
all I know is I've had my hunches
back at it on some crutches
can I get some dutch-ish
what it be
i am the dutchess
wearing many crowns
all on it slotting, allotting
the Budgetress

bottom lines
miles wide
when it's all flowing
bottomless lines
I don't know what its  all for
just some of it
and if I do say so then
that's progress
and I do

get out of my dreams
and into my bed
get out of my mind
and under my sheets
get out of my head
and i'll give you the best
rock my bed frame
and don't take a rest
get pleasure from pain
and let me hurt you the same

after all this time
now it feels like the end
time to let go
and call you a friend

i knew it would happen
and i try not to cry
you've moved on already
and i say 'so have i'

i still miss you every day
though you don't miss me
i can feel myself dissolving
from your memory

the silence, the drift
it makes my heart sore
you don't feel what i feel
not anymore

why can’t i love my body
look at it and say im sorry
why can’t i love
the flesh
the wrinkles and lines
craving other lines of past times
linearity
the death knell of my sincerity
why can’t i love
the jelly
the jiggle the cellulite
that taunts me in spite
of all my preventative measures
at the cost of all life’s simple pleasures
only pleasure
a smaller measure
thickness grown over
the bones i treasured
the vessel’s weighty imperfections
catch up, relentless
regardless of my minds intentions
wreathing from control in vengeance
the antithesis of anything
and everything
for which i longed
merely suffering prolonged
a lifelong war on anatomic reality
spirit anchored in familiarity
and in self-induced
illusions of actuality

how peaceful and sound
where the dead lay to sleep
corpses in the ground
six feet deep

leaving but a stone
with your name and a quote
as you lie alone
in your nicest coat

your life just a mystery
to all the passers by
no idea of your history
who you were or why

they can really only speculate
to imagine who you were
to ponder of your fate
though they’ll never know for sure

wilted flowers left behind
from a friend a month ago
when you were briefly on their mind
and they were feeling low

but soon they forget-
leave you stored in the past
still another sunset
and it won’t be the last

where oh where
hath my poetry gone
like no entry
oh no
oh lol
that's kind of trash
your words are all jumbled up in a mash
rhythm and cadence decayed
wreathing to be expressed
where words and syllables thrash
praying to a higher power
smoking hash
rosin
tasteful
only tops in my head stash
choose not to stop
i'm stacking my cash
i made it once
and lost it
may have been
life demanded
different circumstances of me
now i must learn
it can be made again
if i can make it once i can make it twice
the universe never promised it'd be all nice
personality is black ice
i made it once
lost it twice
lost my mind
that was the real price
now i think twice
and feel thrice
elevate to the truest heights
of my human rights

her majesty's jester
get all the words out in the open
not let them fester

yesterday's passed don't press her
there's a you inside there
you oppressed her

feelings come and pass
trust is meant to last
you wanna test her?

something angelic surrounds me
hard to commit
when you can't even sit
with your self

need a budget and a rhyme for that

a summer haze ago
let my self reminisce
to our first conversations
the first time we kissed

funny how now
i don't even exist  

maybe never should have
but we couldn't resist

now thats all you do
vanished to mist

no longer are you even
the person i've missed

irrelevant anniversaries
of romanticized bliss

some things are better left unsaid
left in the journal next to my bed
black letters on blank pages
purged from mental recesses
tucked safely away
as i dream to be dead
no need to read my dreary dialogue
the sift and sort of mental fog
leave it there
spare yourself instead

i love you rests at the tip of my tongue
at the edge of my lips
swallowed back
into the hollow cavity
so low
get high solo
never allow the sorrow
don't cry until tomorrow
every day
quiet.
the chatter stops
the words dance on my tongue
still twirling, swirling
a tornado of uncertainty
as the syllables threaten to blow away
from my mouth into open space

the way you look at me
makes me melt
your smile, your eyes
i see a thousand faces
a thousand lifetimes with you
and the rest of this one
eternal with you
the rest of my mids
the rest of my highs
the rest of my days
the rest of my nights
nocturnal with you

i don't mean any animosity
in naivety things seem lost to me
giving me time to learn to be  
the space you hold for only me
as far as i can see
has infinite reciprocity
perpetual curiosity  
effortless generosity

ease the ebbs and flows
of my relentless mental catastrophe
turmoiling inner battle grounds
like the drummer boi you never stop being around
i was ready for you to have left by now
even when i feel like i belong under ground  
you never cease
your ceaseless *** appeal
considering how i might find
my self
as appealing to be
as you find me

laughing for real
like when you can't breathe
and your eyes tear up
and the harder your friend laughs
the harder you laugh
and you keep being a fool
because it doesn't matter
and for once
you don't really care all that much
what anyone thinks

duality of the unexpected
and the common thread
woven through
since when
since always
every moment.
every moment you've existed
has shaped you
has made you
as a succession
of thousands
of  millions
of trillions
of-
moments.
a moment is nothing
and yet it makes up all of time

my mythical perfect match
a fantasy i thought
i never could catch

baptized in bass
sparks to fire at an unmatched pace
falling in love with your embrace
the countenance of your face
feels like winning a race
where the finish line comes to you
slinking through
my barriered heart
to the fortified vaults
of my greatest faults
the depths of never-before-seen places
a love suspended in chaotic waltz
prophesied union of 2 heart spaces
the climactic conclusion
of pain and confusion
of searching
waiting and hoping
for the curing soul medication
of your mythical creation

not feeling much
of anything at all
dont know if i'm numb
knowing tomorrow's anotha one
til the 48 hours
i have to exist as my self
no matter
you're doing sO well
yeah i'm flattered
still inside all the selves
are all scattered
i am not one identity
i am many tings

i love you rests at the tip of my tongue
at the edge of my lips

but something holds me back
as your hands rest on mine

catch my self falling
i fall and i slip

watching you drive
feeling the energy that makes us alive

what keeps me quiet?
fear rests her finger
softly on my lips
silence.

i scream the words in my head

just over your shoulder she shakes her head
fingers around my throat
close my eyes let the thought float
away

no i don't

i hope one day soon
i can be the one
who gives a tight smile
and a small sigh
and a faint headshake
and a slow shoulder shrug
and who in a wise voice
born from acceptance
that only comes with experience
says
it just takes time.

i hope one day soon
i will no longer be the one
who holds back tears
and shaking breaths
and pounding heartbeats
and who in a cracking voice
born from pleading
that only comes from painful inexperience
says
but how much time?

i feel empty inside
there's nowhere to hide

trapped in my thoughts
my jaded heart rots

endless loops spinning
mental battles i'm never winning

just stop, let go
but how (for real) i don't know

too empty to cry
'i'm okay!' i lie

to myself in the mirror
wearing faux smiles as my concealer

winter sun on my translucent skin
sheer epidermis veils my veins
parched of sun depleted by rains

flooded with torrential memories
stories, faces, places, all i see
a long time ago i once felt free
never expected this is where i'd be
this is who i'd be
staring at a wall of frozen memories

another go around
knowing all that we do now
and didn't know then
refile more cohesively

sorry for being so distant
I can get lost
swept up in an instant
there are many things to which I've been resistant
elements of self
extra spicy/ persistent
exhausting /  indifferent

so sorry my story a little gory
don't wanna worry ya
don't wanna bore ya
no worries I am a warriyah
its just my story ya
let it all pass (through)
or it'll bury ya
now out with the burier
masquerading as barren,
oh how empty
                             in here
                  lies
cowardice behind barriers
barricading
but a battered warden
of buried burdens,  
burdens buried long ago
better get along
I gotta  get to digging

in deep

which slimy tunnel.
haven't I creeped
getting tired of this
spirits and stories
I can dig for eternities
see, so shoveling may too eternal be
time fly by
nigh time
to stand by
ignite my  
                  //burial grounds
dare block me from the true Earth
one day to bury me

posthumous writings, published by me.

practice practice
til it's condition
an image of social rendition
that's harder to escape
than to enact
open your eyes a crack
cleanse the calcification
change the questions you ask
and it all starts to collapse
stop perceiving yourself
as a product of past
at peace in the present
choose to be at last

the desert grows and thrives
in rugged harmony
softened by the streams
in a seamless scenery

rocky path of mud and ruts
with shallow earthy pools
of intricate worms
and milky quartz jewels

thorns and spikes
at every turn
cuts and scrapes
you never learn

orangepinkgreenpurplebrown
distinguishably one
in the distant rolling peaks
melded by the setting sun

a perfect world
without a fault
with a little house
for grandpa muralt

you keep trying to find a reason
to blame yourself
to find something wrong
with you
to give yourself an explanation

but you don't really believe it
deep down

you just try to convince yourself
that it's you
so blame provides closure

but you don't really believe it
deep down

deep down
you know you gave all you could
and he still left

but that's not satisfying
right?
so you think and think
searching for flaws and mistakes
of what you did wrong
or how you weren't enough

because if theres something wrong
there's something to blame
there's a reason

and maybe
him leaving for that reason
is somehow a little better
than him leaving you
for you as you simply are

and mistakes can be fixed
in the future
finding a source of blame
makes you feel
like you can change
don't repeat the mistake
then maybe
the next one won't leave

but if you did nothing wrong
then who wouldn't again leave you
for you as you simply are

there's no satisfaction
no explanation
in that festering question
only anguish

so you bear the blame

if i did
what i did
to another person
they'd call it torture

but because its my self
they call it mental illness  
too bad my body can't tell the difference

nervous system confused
from being abused

just got caught off guard
making it this far

all the problems seem so real
wish them all to disappear
another arise as soon as one dies
shapeshifting, reappearing

energy flows through all that is material
we weren’t meant to be shielded
from the ethereal
                                  realms
subconscious at the helms
wake up
to the tales that we make up
to save ourselves
from more heart break up

yet the heart breaks and recreates
what’s meant to stay does
just not at your will
not yet
not until you be still
change the energy you instill
it’s ok to let go
over flow
spill over
still return
to stillness and order
meditation hard but not really
just sit harder

my perception of reality is fiction
narratives told to rationalize all the friction  
patterns and thoughts like personality addiction
need a detox
engrained in reactions to past affliction
suffering in stories of my own limited depiction
until i see that stories can be
rewritten in my own rendition
defenses, distractions, unconscious reactions
shelter the heart
from the insufferable pain of the conscious condition
but somebody’s gotta do it  
                   haha
and get through it
and get through
to those who have not seen through
or want to
circumstance and condition
all microphones for our voice
nobody gonna force it
that’s your choice
to lift the veil and peer through
in the mirror
what looks back at you
do you see you right through
no? then step right through
into a living world that’s a reflection of you

it’s not all meant to make sense
not all at once
just lower your defenses
instead of pronouns change your tenses
to i am / here now

clinging to the past leaves you feeling like a clown
don’t get me wrong i’ve been down to clown
round town
had my highs and downs
but guilt and shame so binding
confining
me in moments and times of which i’m not proud
but for which i had to learn
to make forgiveness allowed

feeling may not be appealing
but it’s the only path to healing
just making the consequences of feeling appealing again

i don't really know what to write
it's been a long time and i'm high
buckled in for this flight,
on a trip through the sky

i'm not sure where i'm going
don't really know why
i could say that i'm growing
but that might be a lie

and when i finally get there
i'm not sure what i'll find
i just need a new somewhere
or i'll start to rewind

mind keeps drifting away
bring it back bring it back
replays on replays
happiness that i lack?

it all keeps unfolding
with it so do you
this existence you're molding
what you once thought you knew

but you don't really know-
you know nothing at all
just give in to the flow
and realize you're small

it's hard to wait
like-- what do you do?
is it all up to fate?
don't know how to be you

but there's no how is there
you already are
so why do you care?
you've made it this far

your mind is the sky
say it again and again
sometimes you just gotta
clear it up now and then

every day with you
feels like the first time
the heart flutters
in natures love design
like my heart beat stutters
under my subconscious breath
it mutters
yearns to be open
to be reawoken
to speak loving words
in ways never before spoken
realizing i may not just be broken
i won’t settle for these tokens
little breadcrumbs
for the unawoken
happy, compliant, in illusive hoaxes
long forgotten swarms of locusts
preying on the mind, focus
attention, affection, memory retention
this is a human soul intervention
returning to the purpose
of our descension
now im praying on the mind
regaining my focus
never overlook the shadows as osiris
we are human time to prize us
look at someone in their iris
is it violence
what holds an eyes buried silence
behind eyelids
reality unfolds
as thoughts mold
abundant realities
surprise surprise

the crow
on the side
of the grimy
northeast portland curbside
he carries a scrap
of some pale,
nutritionless carbohydrate
in his beak,
talons deep
in a greasy puddle
on a strip
of swampy eroded grass
between the asphalt curb
and the sidewalk
he shifts his weight in twitchy little jumps,
ticking his head back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
as low growls
of engines idling
at the red light
shake the ground
with thunderous vibrations
reverberating through his every vertebrae
suddenly
he drops his snack!
he pecks at the ground
unable to snag his little bread
as it dissolves
into the muddy pool below
as his confusion sets in
the light turns green
and the trail of engines roar to life
before he can finish flinching
a dilapidated early 2 thousands gas guzzler  hacks
an enormous cloud of exhaust
in his face
sending him reeling  
jump stepping backwards in agitation
desperation for air
rearing his head
in twitchy wreaths
as we drive by
and tears pool
in my eyes
as the muddy puddle
at that little crows feet.

nothing like the ocean wind
on your wet tears

the course of the ocean
to drown out your fears

like the taming of nature
to dense concrete piers

like this moment you'll remember
for so many years

speaking thinking hoping
that someone just hears

yet the present unfolds
and the future nears

just along for the ride
people, places, careers

keep letting go, breath in, breath out
til thoughts cease and the mind clears

nothing like the ocean wind
drying your tears

heavy
i'm a hollow shell
empty
i knew i wasnt doing well

but i didnt really think
it would get this bad
not my first time seeing a shrink
but not like this, never this sad

there's some ******* a stretcher
her eyes look empty too
maybe its the weather
but you know its you

grey walls and tile floor
my heart quivers
there's gotta be more
it can't be the fear the darkness the shivers

some guy in a groufit cracks a joke
his arm's in a cast
shut up! i need a smoke
happiness feels like distant past

my appointment is late
but i must stay polite
though i wait and wait
marinading in fluorescent light

when you let the energy direct ya
you may find yourself in an energetic trifekta
a connection so elemental
effortless flow/ form, spirit and mental
a sense of care by way of parental
not weird more sentimental
from young to adult
affection attention experimental
just make the sure the drugs aren't that's fundamental
the art of testing testing 1 2 3
like a mc with equipment faulty
it's the cords, not me, not inherently
they're just a little twisted
a little jostled
up there you see
you'll see, i don't mean it intentionally
i'm still figuring out how to be
and thankfully
it comes more easily
in the sanctity
of feeling free
you and you and me
brought together by synchronicity
forces unseen
protected for infinity
in our potential's infancy

writing lines of poetry
underneath a lone pine tree
taking in the symmetry
interwoven geometry
changing with every century
wondering who i can be
if i wasn’t my own enemy
if thoughts did not take hold of me
if i could let go and be free

i wish you'd get out of my head
my heart feels heavy as lead
you've moved on ahead
left my messages on read
as i lay here in bed
keep my thoughts unsaid
as i drown in dread,
shudder at how i plead
erase the sweet lies you said
just before you fled
maybe one morning i'll wake up dead
but i already do don't i

get high
so its not all low
need a new self help book
to follow
like 101 ways
to fill your days
too full
to feel hollow

all i want are cuddles
but all i have is ketamine
salty tear puddles
******* and nicotine

i'll let my soul dissociate
and drift through inner space
beyond the ego i fabricate
lies the void, my comfort place

i'll cuddle with my demons
who hold me close and tight
embrace my mental heathens
who hold me from the light

i'll pretend i don't need human touch
in a battle of primal sensation
and when the beaten conscious hurts too much
i surrender to tranquilizer mediation

my lips are turning blue
oh, i miss genuine kisses from you
the warmth faded
you think you're alone
but i'm just as jaded
love is overrated
its all dumb
i mumble to my self
as my lips go numb

my lips feel blue
                                         am i invisible to you ?
from the icy walls
                                        i don't understand what you want me to do
that guard the real you

wind gusts and snowfalls
keep people away
frostnip on my freckles
maybe i've been reckless
but maybe i could't care less

my straight edges gone blurry
careless?
or releasing all my worry?

learning to just be
i've always been in such a hurry
to get up, get out
be doing it all
all the time
and on time
on a mythical time scale
of an imaginary future
and when it all falls apart
cling to the pieces you suture

into some semblance of a dream
but the fragments aren't the same
and you realize the same pieces can't
be put together again
now start all over again

i lay in bed
as the sun crosses the sky
behind blankets of colorless clouds
nest of blankets and pillows
mock human touch

my diploma mocks me
from across the room
loose paper

i'm so sad i can;t leave my bed
maybe i'll go somewhere else instead
or i could just be dead

this isnt't poetry
it's redundancy

spiraling through the same idiocy
to make the best of mediocrity
unable to accept reality
if i could only get high enough to see
to understand where i need to be
which is probably here
where i'm drowning
losing sight of everything around me