heading out
say i'm nearly done
i'm only half packed
leave the space behind me
lookin like its ransacked
picked out nothing
look around like that's wack
wish I could get my mind
to just stay on track
dilly dally wasting time
on no! now there's less
now i'm pressed
let me waste more
with a panic attack
it gets old
until you really step back
notice how you react
and what that attracts
don't let trapped past get in the way
that's a trap
when you're tryna stack
and only when you truly want
to change
you make that pact
to you higher self
to make the choice of what you wish to attract
imagination seems abstract
til you see through the so called real world
as nothing more than an illusive act

every day with you
feels like the first time
the heart flutters
in natures love design
like my heart beat stutters
under my subconscious breath
it mutters
yearns to be open
to be reawoken
to speak loving words
in ways never before spoken
realizing i may not just be broken
i won’t settle for these tokens
little breadcrumbs
for the unawoken
happy, compliant, in illusive hoaxes
long forgotten swarms of locusts
preying on the mind, focus
attention, affection, memory retention
this is a human soul intervention
returning to the purpose
of our descension
now im praying on the mind
regaining my focus
never overlook the shadows as osiris
we are human time to prize us
look at someone in their iris
is it violence
what holds an eyes buried silence
behind eyelids
reality unfolds
as thoughts mold
abundant realities
surprise surprise

my mythical perfect match
a fantasy i thought
i never could catch

baptized in bass
sparks to fire at an unmatched pace
falling in love with your embrace
the countenance of your face
feels like winning a race
where the finish line comes to you
slinking through
my barriered heart
to the fortified vaults
of my greatest faults
the depths of never-before-seen places
a love suspended in chaotic waltz
prophesied union of 2 heart spaces
the climactic conclusion
of pain and confusion
of searching
waiting and hoping
for the curing soul medication
of your mythical creation

why can’t i love my body
look at it and say im sorry
why can’t i love
the flesh
the wrinkles and lines
craving other lines of past times
linearity
the death knell of my sincerity
why can’t i love
the jelly
the jiggle the cellulite
that taunts me in spite
of all my preventative measures
at the cost of all life’s simple pleasures
only pleasure
a smaller measure
thickness grown over
the bones i treasured
the vessel’s weighty imperfections
catch up, relentless
regardless of my minds intentions
wreathing from control in vengeance
the antithesis of anything
and everything
for which i longed
merely suffering prolonged
a lifelong war on anatomic reality
spirit anchored in familiarity
and in self-induced
illusions of actuality

the crow
on the side
of the grimy
northeast portland curbside
he carries a scrap
of some pale,
nutritionless carbohydrate
in his beak,
talons deep
in a greasy puddle
on a strip
of swampy eroded grass
between the asphalt curb
and the sidewalk
he shifts his weight in twitchy little jumps,
ticking his head back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
as low growls
of engines idling
at the red light
shake the ground
with thunderous vibrations
reverberating through his every vertebrae
suddenly
he drops his snack!
he pecks at the ground
unable to snag his little bread
as it dissolves
into the muddy pool below
as his confusion sets in
the light turns green
and the trail of engines roar to life
before he can finish flinching
a dilapidated early 2 thousands gas guzzler  hacks
an enormous cloud of exhaust
in his face
sending him reeling  
jump stepping backwards in agitation
desperation for air
rearing his head
in twitchy wreaths
as we drive by
and tears pool
in my eyes
as the muddy puddle
at that little crows feet.

i don’t need you to abide
now come inside
my mind
don’t be alarmed
at what you may find
coursing rivers, changing tides
up, down, around like roller coaster rides
climb up ladders, then down the chute
oh the universe
shoots down my pride, rapid fire
tears glide down my cheeks, slip n’ slide
like my *****
slip n’ slide
there’s my other ride
you can ride
if you’re tall enough
and get in line
anyways, jokes aside
looks like estrogen and oxytocin have arrived
oh **** again with the slip n-
nevermind
feeling love?
-DENIED-
convince my self i don’t need it
never have, never will
my heart has never yearned, not me
i’ve never pined
not on my watch
logic brain
like bad cop
in control total control
after all this time
won’t be undermined
by fleeting heartfelt sorrows

do horse tranquilizer to unwind
back to childhood, rewind
when you venture behind the conscious mind
they say love yourself! nope. tried.
they say you’re not fat you look fine!
but that never applied
obviously, they all lied
alas-
the above,
the below,
pitted on opposing sides

suffocate the heart
til she’s no more than a whisper
through all the ego noise
a murmur
heart murmurs-

{{
      now- in the latter, im speaking metaphorically
no, physically i’m good!
that’s a stretch
i’m fine!
i’m alive.
my heart chambers be pumping
still beating and bumping  
like my nostril
like heavy bass, chord progression,
switching keys
oh, back to my nostril
anyway, consider this a footnote
a brief aside
i’d appreciate your discretion
regarding my digression.
                                                           }}

sometimes i feel like i may be too kind
take care of everyone
while my own chaos brews
going all soft, falling in love
as if the stars aligned
but stars won’t align
when you’ve not aligned inside

i erased my self,
now i face my self,
in my mirror
all lined

the way you look at me
makes me melt
your smile, your eyes
i see a thousand faces
a thousand lifetimes with you
and the rest of this one
eternal with you
the rest of my mids
the rest of my highs
the rest of my days
the rest of my nights
nocturnal with you

i don't mean any animosity
in naivety things seem lost to me
giving me time to learn to be  
the space you hold for only me
as far as i can see
has infinite reciprocity
perpetual curiosity  
effortless generosity

ease the ebbs and flows
of my relentless mental catastrophe
turmoiling inner battle grounds
like the drummer boi you never stop being around
i was ready for you to have left by now
even when i feel like i belong under ground  
you never cease
your ceaseless *** appeal
considering how i might find
my self
as appealing to be
as you find me