you keep trying to find a reason
to blame yourself
to find something wrong
with you
to give yourself an explanation

but you don't really believe it
deep down

you just try to convince yourself
that it's you
so blame provides closure

but you don't really believe it
deep down

deep down
you know you gave all you could
and he still left

but that's not satisfying
right?
so you think and think
searching for flaws and mistakes
of what you did wrong
or how you weren't enough

because if theres something wrong
there's something to blame
there's a reason

and maybe
him leaving for that reason
is somehow a little better
than him leaving you
for you as you simply are

and mistakes can be fixed
in the future
finding a source of blame
makes you feel
like you can change
don't repeat the mistake
then maybe
the next one won't leave

but if you did nothing wrong
then who wouldn't again leave you
for you as you simply are

there's no satisfaction
no explanation
in that festering question
only anguish

so you bear the blame

i hope one day soon
i can be the one
who gives a tight smile
and a small sigh
and a faint headshake
and a slow shoulder shrug
and who in a wise voice
born from acceptance
that only comes with experience
says
it just takes time.

i hope one day soon
i will no longer be the one
who holds back tears
and shaking breaths
and pounding heartbeats
and who in a cracking voice
born from pleading
that only comes from painful inexperience
says
but how much time?

duality of the unexpected
and the common thread
woven through
since when
since always
every moment.
every moment you've existed
has shaped you
has made you
as a succession
of thousands
of  millions
of trillions
of-
moments.
a moment is nothing
and yet it makes up all of time

grandpa peyt is up late!
he usually can't wait
to be in bed by eight
his energies abate
new day clean slate
night owl? can't relate
he also thinks ben franklin's great

i feel empty inside
there's nowhere to hide

trapped in my thoughts
my jaded heart rots

endless loops spinning
mental battles i'm never winning

just stop, let go
but how (for real) i don't know

too empty to cry
'i'm okay!' i lie

to myself in the mirror
wearing faux smiles as my concealer

i wish you'd get out of my head
my heart feels heavy as lead
you've moved on ahead
left my messages on read
as i lay here in bed
keep my thoughts unsaid
as i drown in dread,
shudder at how i plead
erase the sweet lies you said
just before you fled
maybe one morning i'll wake up dead
but i already do don't i

the desert grows and thrives
in rugged harmony
softened by the streams
in a seamless scenery

rocky path of mud and ruts
with shallow earthy pools
of intricate worms
and milky quartz jewels

thorns and spikes
at every turn
cuts and scrapes
you never learn

orangepinkgreenpurplebrown
distinguishably one
in the distant rolling peaks
melded by the setting sun

a perfect world
without a fault
with a little house
for grandpa muralt