stop being practical
and stop being scared
start being passionate
and start being bare

cease this monotony
this tired old dance
spare us the waiting
now is your chance

i'm done with the careful
i'm done with the sad
but i'm not done with you
(and that makes me mad)

entertaining the
memories of the old us -
*the saddest happy

you're sneaky, i'll give you that.



just when i wasn't looking

YOU

snuck into my ribcage

infiltrated the walls of cartilage

(and distrust)

and you stole it.

ripped it from the tangles of veins (and anger) and arteries (and fear)



and left me with nothing but hollow awe.



it's fine, you keep it.

welcome me into the innermost workings of your mind
share with me those ghosts you protect
as if i too knew them,
for i think i might.

pour it on me.
go on.
let your mysteries submerge us both.

**i want to get closer.

YOU
set my cheeks ablaze
YOU
a moth to flame

sometimes i believe that i hate you.

usually, i don't.
because i don't.

i wish i despised you.
i wish i could honestly say i haven't thought of you
that the whisper of your memory didn't pervade my mind
and drown out that propaganda

i wish there was more about you that bothered me
i wish i didn't remember your gentle touch,
those comfortable silences,
how we'd giggle not because anything was funny but because we were giddy and our smiles bubbled over.

i wish he was more like you.
i wish i'd met you later.
i wish our paths weren't so separate.
i wish
i wish
i wish.

you'd think
after
decades
of marathoning lies
he might inadvertently stumble upon the truth
and yet
still

we never finished writing our duet.
i don't mean that figuratively.
we were writing a duet
and we never finished it.

we had our two separate melodies strung
the lyrics were quaint but true

but we could never seem to piece them together.

you couldn't quite harmonize pleasantly
our voices didn't blend nicely

maybe i could have taken it as a sign.

we just didn't take enough time
didn't have enough patience

i've always been more of a soloist myself.

we never finished writing our duet.
it doesn't get more poetic than that.

when you're alone, you don't have to defend your motives
when you're alone, you don't have to have five good reasons
or three
or even one

every action has a consequence
maybe every action has an antecedent
sometimes i just don't want to investigate.

it's as if
everyone else lives to.

sometimes
i'm just difficult.
i'm just emotional, i'm just irrational, i'm just impulsive.

but if i was predictable, who would bother predicting?

it's embarrassingly easy to confuse people.

some days i don't even recognize me

that's when i feel the danger.

i've known myself my whole life

and still my reflection's a stranger



how can i expect you to understand when i don't?

how can i divulge my essence, not knowing how it would

look, or feel, or taste, or act -

not even knowing how it should?

smoke thickened
eyes glazed
pulse quickened
dizzy haze

smoke cleared
eyes sobered
as feared
flame's over.

predicting failure guarantees one the limpest success.
it ensures the consolation prize: "well hey, at least i was right!"

well,
hey.
at least i was right.

today i collected my meager winnings.
my suspicions were confirmed -
i was dead-on about the one conjecture i hoped i wasn't dead-on about.

as the rest of me fumed and ached and moaned,
my brain gloated about its tiny victory.
crowed, "i told you so."
as if rubbing it in could dull the blow.

it could not.
my flimsy rebate sure didn't make the wound smart any less.

i used to lie awake
smitten. enamored. giddy.
itemizing your sweet details
fondly reminiscing
the thought of you was too delectable to trade for sleep.

sleep is still elusive
you are still the cause
but the thought of you is sour to taste.
you unfailingly pervade my thoughts.
memories are tainted
exacerbated by the comparative sweetness they (you) once promised

i wish i could just collar you and make you hear all the things i tell myself i'd say.
until then, insomnia's got me clutched in its pitiless talons.

I NEVER BROKE ANYBODY'S HEART.
i am not a heartbreaker.

i never took your heart and tore it
or ruptured it
or lacerated it
or stabbed it
or even bruised it
or pricked it

i cradled it and amended it and nurtured it and treasured it and heralded it and championed it and polished it and loved it and maybe even meliorated it

and then, when i could do that no more,
when possessing your heart any longer would inevitably do it harm,

all i did was gingerly give it back to you
fully intact
the most delicate way i possibly could.
if it was broken, you did that yourself.

boys are magnifying glasses
they amplify emotions until they're unfamiliar and frightening

I'VE NEVER FELT SO WRETCHED
OR SO PRECIOUS
or so contemptible
or so desirable
or so powerless
or so beautiful
or so constricted
or so empty

as he made me feel.

your soft lips made mine feel soft too
my plain self effloresced under your fingers.

your touch made me quiver
your kiss sent a shiver
down
my spine
signs of fear and confusion
passion was our mistaken conclusion
or maybe that mistake was solely mine.

looking back,
the quickening of my heartbeat was a warning, not an answer
electricity can warm you
but it can burn too
i was prepared for the spark
but not for the consuming flames

i felt the unsavory heat of embarrassment not long after
grappled for an explanation as i flailed into uncertainty

who's to say where i faltered?
only you, but you've gone mute.

maybe i was wrong
maybe you never cared
i saw what i wanted to see
maybe that made you scared.

when i welcomed you in
to complete my hollow self
the void was too cavernous for you
you stuck me back on the shelf

maybe it wasn't fair
to need you in that way
i guess i should've known
you never intended to stay.

sitting on my sofa
your hand over mine
you kept trying to kiss me

i knew what you wanted then.

i acted like the movie i chose was mesmerizing
it wasn't. you were.
all i could think about was how it'd feel to kiss you
like you wanted
like i wanted

our breathing patterns matched up.
my ear was on your heart (that's the closest i'll ever get to it)
you kissed me whisperingly on the forehead
just how i like it.
how did you know?
how could someone who knew me so little know me so well?

when i finally succumbed
it was hungry.
you didn't kiss me delicately, as i was accustomed
i didn't feel like much of a person at all
i felt like a thing
but a desirable thing

HE kissed me like a treasure
like i could shatter at any moment
i don't know why i ever tired of it.

your ravenous lips and hands were at once refreshing and scalding.
you didn't kiss like a good boy ought.
i wanted to reciprocate, to participate.
i convinced myself, yes, this is what i want.
he is what i want.
and he wants me.

you kissed me like you loved me.
or like you could love me.
i didn't need you to love me, i never asked for you to love me.
but you convinced me you could.

now that just wasn't fair.