Parents, teachers, guardians, all authority figures
have put this importance
this upmost importance
on the loss of innocence
but they have not stood in the shoes of the teenagers of this age
the teenagers who have lost their innocence
(or if you are apart of the lucky group you are on the cusp of losing it)
its not just the physical aspect
in fact it has nothing to do with having *** at all
losing your innocence is much much more.
Its the first time you see your mom popping pills through the crack in the door
its the first time your own sister steals from you so she can fund her ****** habit
its the first time you get slapped
its the first time you slap someone
its the first time you turn to music, or books, or drugs, or drinking just to get out of your own head
its the first time you'll do anything to be numb for a little while
but its not just the bad stuff
no its beautiful too
its that night you got drunk and sat on your back in the grass and had a conversation with the stars
its looking at that lopsided smile, that dimple, and that chipped tooth and feeling something
its making the wrong decision on purpose because you just need the distraction
so basically what i'm saying is the loss of innocence isn't all bad and it isn't all good
but its something that happens to all of us
theres no defining moment
theres no epiphany where you feel the loss like something physical
its not real or tangible
and its not the same for everybody
for her its standing over her moms casket
for him its when he shot up that first time
for me its all the good and the bad that i wrote down and spit out in this poem
And for you... well thats what you have to figure out.

"I knew this girl once,
she had long hair, so long it whispered tiny kisses along her hips and waist
she had the oddest bluest eyes i'd ever seen, the color of the sky right before it gets completely dark
her thick, long eyelashes framed those eyes, and freckles formed constellations across her cheeks
i could almost draw the big dipper and Orion's belt on her milky white face.
She didn't know i existed but i admired her from afar. I could tell she was educated- She always had some form of poetry in her hand. But of all the things i could have noticed about her i noticed her bookmarks. She would lose them all the time, i would see her chasing after the scraps of paper as they flew through the wind down the street. She'd stick anything in between those pages, wrappers of all sorts, leaves, pennies, shoelaces, once i even saw a page ripped from a different book. It became my favorite game to guess what the next bookmark would be.  After awhile she stopped chasing the various bookmarks across the city and she cut all that long hair off, then awhile after that she started using unoriginal, uninspired plain old bookmarks.Then even awhile that she stopped bringing books altogether, until one day she didn't show up. Nobody knew that beautiful, mysterious, bookmark making girl was locked up inside her own mind. Nobody knew she hated her long hair and her freckles and even those baby blues. Nobody knew that she couldn't stand to live in her skin anymore so much that she swallowed a couple pills one night to ease away the pain. Even worse was she didn't know i watched her for so long and thought she was the most interesting human being i'd ever encountered. That girl committed suicide because she hated herself learn from her mistake, my mistake, everyone who ever noticed her bookmarks mistake, and don't do this, don't off yourself with a .45 before you've even had a chance to live" he's desperate now  
"please please you don't have to do this" he sputters

I answer simply " I never was much of a bookmark girl, i always dog-eared my pages"

*bang

She looks at me
Eyes narrowed
Head tipped sideways
Lip curled
And snarls at me in a way
that manages to sound so condescending
that  If I was a fool
(a different one then I already am)
I could mistake it for concern
"I really don't like the person you're becoming"
I nod my head so fast it practically rolls off its base of my neck
so sarcastic
I smile so wide That my lips crack
and my teeth bulge from my mouth
so mean
and flip her off in the best way I know how
With words and a ******* to match
she doesn't even care anymore
And the worst thing is I don't.




"I really  don't like the person  you're becoming"



"me either"

An empty room answers me.

In between your ribs grow a garden of flora
Flowers bloom an sunlight filters through the bone
Every happy thought centers itself in your chest
And vines cage your heart
They cradle it and nurture it
Raising it up
So let's break that nasty habit, shall we?
Let's kick it to the curb
Pour poison all over those blooming flowers
Let the buds shrivel up and die
Nightmares swim through your marrow
Ingrained in your soul
And the sun sets in a rip roaring fire across your beautiful bony sternum
Darkness settles upon your heart
Cold air seeps through the skin
Your heart is frozen now
It's cracked in two
Your habit is gone along with the past and any emotion you've ever had
I wouldn't be worried or ashamed because
Because numb is better then feeling anything.

It was 3 in the morning.
When i turned over i saw that picture of us,
the one of you in that sweater and the tiny chip in your tooth from when you fell up my steps
the one of me in a hoodie not looking in the camera but past it at the ocean beside us.
it filled me to the brim with anger
my veins occupied with that emotion
my eyes and brain and thoughts clouded with red
before i knew what i was doing that picture wasn't there anymore
instead it was face down, the frame shattered across the floor
Bits of glass glittered in the slant of moonlight coming through my window,
the one that allowed me to see the picture in the first place.
It was then i realized that your memory littered every surface of my room
in a fit of rage i ripped the pictures from my wall and tore them into pieces,
in a fit of rage i snapped the mix of my favorite music that you made me when i had a cold last march
in a fit of rage i slammed my hand into the window
because it was the only thing that made me feel something
i wasn't surprised when no one came to check what had happened
in a fit of complete sorrow i sunk to the floor on my back,fist cradled to my chest, and slowly opened my eyes
I began to laugh uncontrollably when i recognized the glow- in- the-dark stars on my ceiling
I really couldn't do anything right.

Five  simple words
uttered so carelessly out of your  perfect mouth
just syllables and letters strewn together
You had no idea that those
simple, careless, beautiful words
were my saving grace

I can still recall
the way the air felt that evening
as the sun tried its hardest to stay in the sky
purples, oranges, pinks, blues, and reds
it looked like the bruise on my face.

I can still hear the ** and the ceremonies playing loud in my ears
as the car raced down the stretch of street, the marsh on either side
all the windows down, my feet on the dashboard
my hand out the window, splintered by the last fragments of light in the sky

I can still recall you smiling so sweetly at me as you handed me that thing
that not-quite-a-cigarette thing, and me taking a long pull
how I got this bruise was long forgotten
so was my broken home and heart
i smiled right back at you as those perfect lyrics filled my head
they were the only things i could focus on

after that.

Your voice is embedded in brain 
Like lyrics to a song 
And every time you look at me 
My body fills with electricity 
Like a thousand watts 
live in your eyes 
I coyly smile 
It's my disguise 
Cause I'm not a flawless magazine model
Or pretty picture in a frame 
I'm just a girl 
Average and normal 
With so so much to gain 
So maybe it's my odessey, my journey, or my trek 
To make my way towards you 
Without the past breathing down my neck 
In the end, either way 
You light me up like a star 
My own personal outlet 
Whether I'm near or far