Hello
Its been a while since we last spoke.
The last time was brief,  when I turned to you with a broken heart,
but I couldn’t go through with it. The time before that was when you broke my heart.
Shattered to pieces.
I still think about it sometimes,
and it still makes my heart squeeze for the girl I was then.
I had given you years of my life.
Ended relationships for you,
dropped everything just to talk to you.
Gave you space when you needed,
but always having your back and standing at your side.
You always played with me.
Played along. Strung me along.
Sunrises and dancing and skating in the snow.
Holding hands under tables.
Drunken kisses turning into sober dates,
sober moments,
sobering moments.
And then nothing.
Not a word, not a phrase.
Completely ghosted and forgotten.
Oh but you would still talk, just not to me
talk how you wanted a good woman, someone to love you.
Screaming to the public about how much you needed someone
while ignoring me, forgetting me.
Months pass, and I hear another word,
but you trick me and I feel to blame.
Like I didn’t give enough of me.
Not enough of my time, of my love, of myself.
Like I didn’t do enough to keep you. Well I am older now.
More mature. And more angry.
Angry at myself for believing you. For letting you convince me that I was to blame,
at fault for my broken heart. Angry at you.
Angry at you for feeling you could walk in and out of my life like it was nothing.
Angry at you for your entitlement in thinking you had the right to my heart
whenever you pleased.
Angry at you for falling for me, and being too afraid to ever act.
To ever stand up for what we had.
Angry that you let yourself fall away, let yourself down.
Angry that you let me down.
If I saw you again, I don’t know what I would do,
what I would feel. I dread the moment.
Because even though I am happy now. Even though my heart has been mended by one who loves deeply.
The thought of you Still Hurts.

Standing still
like a soldier
waiting for their command
Staring at the Pitch Black Door
No one knows what lies beyond
Terror fills my body
Consuming my mind like a fire
But there is also something else
Starts at the tip of my toes
Rises up like the sun
feeling like spring
Turns the terror to something else
A smile touches my lips
and I wait for my moment
Staring at the Pitch Black Door
I turn the handle
And walk through

Why does sleep elude me?
Every fiber of my being fights it
My eyes feel heavy, like weights
are pulling them down
but my brain fights
My mind is still running
My heart is racing
Body aching
for the one who brings me
Peaceful sleep
He is so far from me
but I can feel the warmth of
His smile
the strength of his love
The gentle but rough touch of
his skin
I can hear his soft whisper
Sounding like a grin
I lay my head on my pillow
and remember him
And at last the weights win
My mind rests
Sleep