My Love. I can only hope that this writing may help you understand my craziness.
I love  you.

Sometime ago while you were away and the thought of ever being with you was put away, I was happily in a
relationship. One that I thought was going pretty well. She was attractive in her own right, smart with ambition, aspiration, she liked my friends and family and they liked her also. We went to classes together, lived in the same complex and saw each other often.

Life was going great. We even spent the night at each others places, rotating here and there. Though she did move a bit too quick for me, in that she wanted to get married. I thought the idea of that was all too sudden and that we should wait on that. I was uncomfortable with it but thought to only give it a few years. She partied with us, got smashed with us and during some of our parties guys would hit on her and I would have to tell them off. Some even tried to fight and I hit guys and fought for her. Even some of my good friends confessed to "slapping her ***" noting that it was inappropriate and wrong of them to do so and willingly requested me to hit them in return. And i did. That's how things were and still are.

Though this was all before you, you were still in my thoughts. She and I socialized a lot by hanging out with lots of friends and went to all kinds of parties. Even though I've never been the "party type", I went for her and for my friends. On a whim, we went to a tattoo and piercing place where she got a tattoo and talked me into getting a piercing. I no longer have the piercing but a scar remains and I look up it and question...why the hell...

She hung out with people outside of us. Either from school or work. I never thought anything of it. It never occurred to me that I should be a bit concerned. I trusted her completely. Then one night while my roommates and i were hosting a party she wasn't there. She was in Franklin watching the new twilight film at the Theaters.
While i stepped outside to smoke and just as I was lighting my cigarette, one of my friends stepped outside also. He lit one up also and asked if we could speak. I said "sure whats up?" He said that he hopes that I respect him just as much as he respects me and asks that I don't get angry at him. "Of course", I said, even more curious and confused than I was before. With his cigarette in one hand he grabbed my shoulder with the other, looked me deep in the eyes and said. "what if I told you she wasn't at the Theaters watching the film? What if I told you she was seeing someone else?"

I told him that I respect him and that he's trying to look after me and for that I thank him. But I told him that I can't believe him and must doubt him, even though he has it on good authority she is cheating. Soon thereafter I began to notice a change in her that I didn't see before. The thought of what he told me, slowly eating at me and breaking me down.

Then while at work on Christmas Eve I received a text from her saying that we could no longer be together. I asked why and she tried everything to make me believe that she wasn't ready for a relationship. But nothing she was saying to persuade me was lining up. She finally confessed, confirming my every fear. She had been cheating on me...for months. Driving the knife deeper into me and worse more, she didn't care. She felt no remorse. My world was shattered. I had so much trust in her I felt like a fool at that moment, remembering what my friend had told me. I should have believed him there. I could hardly breathe, I felt weak, torn and vulnerable. I have not spoken to her since that day. I never will.

Soon after that, I hung out with the friend who had warned me of the impending doom that I chose to ignore. I apologized to him face to face. There's no other way that could have been done, to show my apologies and thankfulness for having someone like him.

I know that all this emotional baggage I bring has hurt you and distraught you love. I just wanted to shine a light  for you on why I am the way I am. To show you why the "red flags" pop up. How it's hard for me to agree to the things that you do. I know with your help I can overcome this and suffer this no longer. It will take time and patience. I hope you can forgive me for being so messed up. I love you so very much and I always will.

-Auf ewig dein.

-Lucien

Teil I (Part I )

Oh, come and show me,
what life is like without roses,
how a river would run,
with no water for it.

What would it be like,
if we had no sun,
to brighten our day,
not just for us but everyone.

How would the night feel,
if the moon never shined,
the beautiful blue,
the midnight diamond.

Oh, come and show me,
how this world would be,
if birds never sang,
their songs to you and me.

Oh, come and show me,
how it would be,
if animals never roamed,
this world deemed free.

Would the stars still shine,
on a world like such,
their brillant glow,
their peaceful touch.

If the roses never blumed,
would it still be spring,
if it never snowed,
would it still be winter.

Oh, come and show me,
how it would be,
if a waterfall stopped,
moving freely.

If we never rotated,
around the sun,
would the seasons still change,
or would we burn.

If the wind never blew,
across our land,
over the mountains,
and through the sand.

Would there still be a breeze,
that we could feel,
or just our imagination,
making it real.

Oh, come and show me,
how this would be,
if all of this happened,
would you be ready?

Teil II ( Part II )

Oh, come show me,
what is real,
if a mirror was broken,
would it still your reflection reveal.

If you stood outside,
and the sun didn't shine,
just lingered there,
would there still be a shadow.

The beautiful ocean,
the golden sea,
without sealife,
how would that be.

If all we built,
came crashing down,
nothing left,
all on the ground.

Would we be ready,
how would you see,
this world,
how you've made it to be.

What it something so beautiful,
suddenly caught fire,
as soon as you took the time,
to sit and admire.

What if the stars we love,
never shined,
lingered there in the dark,
hanging in the night.

What if we are a moon,
to a bigger planet,
how would that be,
could you withstand it.

Oh, come and show me,
the mountain morning dew,
only if the sun,
would come and go.

Teil III ( Part III )

Oh, how would it be,
if the leaves never fell from the tree,
if the grass never shivered,
from the cold winds breeze.

How would the sky be,
if it were a different color,
no clouds to see,
or covered in darkness.

If rain never fell,
how would anything grow,
what if in a cold winter,
it never snowed.

Oh, come and show me,
this world we live in,
how it is,
and how it could have been.

Oh, come and show me,
what it would be like,
if the sun never rose,
if it never became night.

OH, come and show me,
what you would see,
if the world stopped turning,
would you be ready.

Teil IV ( Part IV )

Oh, come and show me,
what life would be like,
if time suddenly stopped,
the end of our clock.

If there was no music,
would we still dance,
if there was no opportunity,
would there still be a chance.

If we had no soul,
would we still have passion,
if we had no heart,
would we still long for loving compassion.

If the eyes saw,
what they were meant to see,
would we understand,
how it's to be.

If the flowers of spring,
never gave their sweet scent,
would our noses,
still be able to smell it.

If all we thought,
suddenly became right,
if our once peaceful dreams,
woke us with terror in the night.

Oh, come and show me,
this very thin line,
of which we lay upon,
Frozen Time.


By, Lucien Freeman

Grass is always greener on the other side,
the sky is never always cloudy,
the most important things in life,
take the longest time.

What one desires,
what one deserves,
must to the end of time wait,
to get what one has earned.

A trophy so golden,
A jewel so rare,
to be in other hands,
as time disappears.

But one must wait,
for one to have,
that of which one wants,
what one so greatly deserves.

The face without hands,
shows one no time,
but counts down,
the seconds of ones life.

A voice known greatly,
spoken in dreams,
tells one to wait,
if one believes.

A cold day has come,
A blood red morning sun,
Frozen is the grass,
as the sky snows ash.

Pale like a ghost she stands there,
Looking down at a Cross,
on her cheek a frozen Tear,
Her words are lost.

She can't believe what she sees,
A Cross bearing her name,
Saying she is deceased,
has she gone insane?..

A body lay on her grave,
The young man she loved,
There in the flesh he lays,
A red rose in his hand.

Then a voice from no where,
Spoke to her,
"Come now your time is here,
There is nothing left for you ".

And then appeared the Ghost figure,
dressed in black with dark black wings,
Stood tall above her,
shadowed her like the trees.

"I am the Angel of Darkness,
And yes I am here for you,
Let me tell you first,
a story you might know."

: A couple happily living,
New home,
plans for children.

But something isn't right,
They both begin to fight,
the wife tells the mann to go,
He asks to stay,
she says no.

And so he left,
Broken down,
confused thoughts,
In his Tears he did drown.

In all his agony,
In all his pain,
He only loved you,
to be Broken in the End.

His broken Heart,
Lead to his death,
right beside you,
and He left.

Just like you wanted,
Just as you have wished,
Your love left,
all was finished.

And to bring this to an End,
His love for you,
Has forever been,
True. :

"I am the Angel of Darkness,
I come to those in sorrow,
I take their lives,
and put them to rest.

As you're looking at your grave,
Know that this is your last day,
You will live no more in this world,
But forever in Hell.".......
..........
The rain falls,
To a silent cold day,
There under the Cross,
A Red Rose lays...

She lays on the Street,
Crying out for her love,
Her man is gone,
all because of her.

She now lives in sorrow,
everyday a new pain,
always Tears from the Clouds,
pooring down like rain.

But she can't take it anymore,
her life seems pointless,
how she ever made it this far,
was because of her man.

Everynight she dreams,
of that dreadful memory,
The Angel of Darkness,
taking her man away.

Pale as a Ghost,
she stares at her reflection,
thinking of how happy they were,
before their separation.

She visits the night,
when they had the fight,
A body laying in the street,
with her at his feet.

She awoke that morning,
a cold day,
rain endlessly pooring,
by herself she remains.

She visits his grave,
always saying she is sorry,
when she then notices,
A cross bearing her name.

The pain kreeps up his body,
not from physical damage,
He sits in the room with others,
but they are unaware of it.

He feels like he is dancing,
though he's not moving to the eyes of other men,
Misery as his companion,
she'll dance with him to the end.

They all play fool,
to the pain he feels within,
Noone can see the harm,
doing fine he makes it seem to them.

But while the others are dancing,
he stares at a single candle,
watching the flames flickering,
The misery he can't seem to handle.

When he is approached,
his dull face forms a smile,
They try to make small talk,
but it doesn't seem worthwhile.

In the corner of the room,
with a rain cloud above his head,
he's the only one who can see it,
and wishes he was dead.

He glances all around,
watching through the crowd,
finds a pair of eyes,
that are as dark as the midnight sky.

These eyes he found,
he knew they didn't belong to any mortal,
though they all play fool,
to this woman who joins them in the circle.

Everywhere he moves,
so does the woman,
as if he is playing a game,
of hide and go seek.

He searches through the entire house,
to find an isolated room,
One where he'll be alone,
where he cannot be disturbed.

As he sinks into an armchair,
that lovingly faces a warm fire,
he still feels the cold,
that he from misery aquired.

As he slowly into his thoughts drifts,
closing his eyelids,
When all was quiet so it seemed,
The man slowly began to dream.

There in his dreams he did find,
the same woman with the dark eyes,
She held out a hand as if to dance,
thought did the man now was his chance.

Accept her hand he did and began to move,
swaying gently around the room,
his hands on her hips lovingly embraced,
a warm smile was upon her face.

Without any music they danced romanticaly,
Just each other is all they would need,
The man thought this was so perfect,
Surely something he would never forget.

In reality he laid on the floor,
people all around him watching in horror,
The mans body violently shook,
His heartbeat racing as everyone looked.

People there questioned his actions,
Was it insanity or human body reactions,
Was this man going to be alright,
would he make it through the night?.

Back in his dreams he was still dancing,
Though his heartbeat was dangerously rising,
then leaned in the woman to kiss,
and together perfectly they locked lips.

Now laying on the floor is the man,
Whose heartbeat has sadly come to an end,
Though they never knew the reason why,
There in the corner of the room, was the woman with the dark eyes.

by ~Lucien Freeman

Oh listen little one,
For I have something to say,
Your words and actions,
have affected me in many ways.

Do you not see,
it's from you I run,
myself I hide,
Your character I shun.

How can you think,
for whatever reason,
you can act like such,
and expect no treason?

Are you too blind,
are you fooled by self thought?,
to see your true self,
and how you rot?

In ways you are nice,
and so quickly evil,
like two sides of a coin,
absolutely mental.

Your arrogance,
and your ignorance
make you who you are,
and the mask you wear.

Why such lies,
to win false praise?,
why act one way,
never to be brave?

Your malicious,
and manipulative nature,
make me isolate myself,
hide from your character.

Always for approval,
you forever seek,
as the way you are,
none shall you receive from me.

If there is one side,
there is another,
One you know well,
One you cannot cover.

It's in your nature,
to be a hypocrite,
though you cannot change it,
you blindly accept it.

It's from this I run,
It's from this I hide,
never can I stand,
One with two sides.

Push it down I try,
Force to forget,
I make my attempt to accept,
over and over again.

No success,
never a victory,
you're still the same,
and forever will be.

I hear your hateful words,
even when you do not speak,
that rend the heart,
and steal its beat.

You're eyes are cold,
to match your piercing glare,
a broken soul,
lost in judgemental stare.

Hopefully one day,
you shall see,
when we say,
"that's what we mean".

Reflect on yourself,
see the damage done,
Your hand stained red,
by cold blood.

And turnover shall you,
a new leaf,
and try to then,
live life in peace.

I sit here and stare in silence,
the air around me heavy and thick,
I cannot speak a single word,
my thoughts are racing.

I keep them in,
for I cannot express,
without sounding like,
such a madman.

My pen and paper,
so far my only release,
I don't know yet how to be vocal,
writing. My peace.

I think of things,
some good, some bad,
I think of the future and past,
and of the time at hand.

At times I just stare,
I cannot write a word,
My mind far past my pen,
For what seems like hours, unheard.

It's only been a few hours,
since I've seen you last,
but missing you makes the time,
slowly, painfully pass.

How empty I feel,
without your touch,
your grace, your presence.
I miss you so much.

I'm slowly losing my mind,
my hands idle, my mind busy,
again I sit here,
again in silence.

Forever and a day,
or so it seems,
Til I will see your face,
and the smile you bring.

But as I sit here,
the air around me heavy and thick,
I exhale and rest,
wishing you were here.

~Lucien Freeman

Here I sit in silence,
unbroken, and diligent.
Around you not a word,
nothing is spoken.

For I have learned,
to hold my thoughts dear,
keep them inside,
your words I don't want to hear.

Sharper than knives,
more vile than poison,
The mask of lies,
the path you've chosen.

I've never felt so,
until you made it be,
your words so cold,
killing, slowly, painfully.

Do you not see,
How you are?
How we perceive,
your malicious nature?

Like acid,
every word, a single drop,
burning slowly through the skin,
another word, another drop.

You may become still,
silent for the moment,
however the burn continues,
when words are unspoken.

Why can't you change,
do you not see what you've become,
reveal your true face,
the one you cover.

I wish sometimes to tell you,
I try so hard to reveal,
how you have hurt me,
your words, your evil.

But to show you,
would hurt you,
it would cause you pain,
I don't want to fan the flame.

I can't hurt you,
like you have me.
That is not who I am,
or who I want to be.



Schmertz-Lucien Freeman

The sorrow is taking over me,
can't believe this is real,
He is taking the breath out of me,
there is no one to heal.
Me.

Our fights seem pointless,
but we argue on and on,
we don't understand any of this,
we continue untill we're done.

You tell me to leave,
and so I do,
Somehow I believe,
our love is still true.

And though we are apart,
I can feel it ever so strong,
our hearts,
together belong.

In the misty rain,
his grip came on me,
out of your window,
looking at me.

To the ground I fell,
with you by my side,
He is taking me now,
Please don't cry.

The Angel of Darkness,
with his black wings,
carries me off,
as she sings.

Please don't leave,
I am sorry for the sorrow I have caused,
My one true love,
Please don't leave,
I love you.

Though nothing happened,
the wind howling in her ears,
she waited for him to come back,
but all that came were her tears.