soon I had stopped noticing the little things.. I had grown too comfortable and started to forget when your hair was long or short. how your eyes glistened like diamonds. but now those diamonds are like the jewels you had given me sometime before. you were always so beautiful to me. you were like a language no one can translate but now that's the only thing I ever hear. Twisted words and a man made alphabet. The only letters were those that created your name. Speaking had no value, your hands told the whole story. How cracked your fingers were and how large your palms are. How they held my waist so tight.. like I was bound to drown if you let go. Sliding down my spine like a snake slithering through my skin, you became who I was. you knew me inside-out, like how I wore your undershirts that seemed to fit a little too big but you told me I was your lovely rag doll. all messy and worn out, but still I had deserved all your love. Our hearts would beat in sync like our favorite song that would play in our heads as we kissed. smiling and hoping that each kiss wouldn't consume our last breath. Breathing became such a hassle when we were together. At first all we wanted to do was breathe in each other. Breathe in all the detail we held. Drink in all we had said. but now, we know each other as if we each made up something as holy as a bible. creating a new religion. breathing became a sin. But darling, sining was what we were forced to do. And inhaling your beauty was what I lived for. Knowing every curve of your body was my drug. I craved you all day but it was always the worst at 3am when I know you're sound asleep in your bed and I'm stuck here thinking endlessly about how your lips feel on my bare shoulders, how I lose myself in your eyes that reveal your whole soul, how so ******* perfect my name sounds as it gently rolls of your tongue.. past your lips and as it flows through my ears like a melody I've never heard before. Remembering all your features when I'm all alone is enough to rip me apart, cell by cell. You're so captivating, my love. You hold all of my love captive.
but my sweetness, my sunshine; you are the thief of my internal universe.
and oddly enough, I've always loved a thief.

Darling, the walls are oozing and you are becoming exposed.. You are coming undone. She kisses your cheek softly and sends shivers down your spine. Her hair reminded you of those soft, red leaves that would pile up under your favorite tree in the beginning of fall. But now it's all gone and you remember all her freckles and how they aligned so perfectly. Her boney knees and brown eyes haunt you at night when you're all alone, wishing you had done something different. Screaming at the moon, begging why she had to go away. Hoping her  hands would gain their warmth back because now they're so cold and you're beginning to turn pale. With each memory replaying you look like you just got off a ride at the amusement park. Oh, and that dress she would dance around in twirls in your head. When you're walking around town, you swear you can smell her scent. Her scent is everywhere you go and it's so ******* intoxicating. It's suffocating you. Your screams at 3am are as silent as the cold winter night, nothing is bringing her back. You haven't slept in days. You can feel her stares piercing through your skin and you can hear that sweet laugh she shed when you told your mediocre jokes. Her innocent voice echoes through the silent streets. Reciting to yourself, this can't be happening. She's breaking you down. Your bones are starting to collapse and your seams are torn. They say you never know what you have till it's gone.. but you knew what you had all along.. you just never thought you'd lose it so suddenly. When the trees sway while the wind howls it's lovely tune, you know she's there. You can't see her but you know that precious grin is plastered on her face. She's got her hands wrapped around your throat, but you are too weak to lose her touch again. That girl, that darling girl with the soft red hair.. She colored your world but now you're drowning in the pitch black darkness of your memory. With all your senses gone, you're asking yourself if it was you all along.

crying
screaming
aching.
tigers wasting space and causing problems.
everyone hates them.
nothing lila does is good enough for you and you wonder why she's always so miserable.
what about Margaret?
she cries herself to sleep each night hating herself more and more, wishing she was a bird that could fly away and find somewhere safe.
Caroline screams at walls and hopes she was someone nicer, prettier, better.
Better.
******* Tigers growling in your head, telling you you're all wrong.
Conor's not here to help you this time.
You're being ridiculous.
paint on a smile and pretend you're okay
it's what they want to see.
they don't hear you speak
they don't care.
Runaway.

don't forget about the memories, never let them fade away. Fading is for candles who burn out due to its self. but you, you are a work of art. a masterpiece. you hold the gaze of the one you lost most, and darling.. oh darling I swear, he loves you too. Grip his words and hope he gripped yours. Don't let your head hang low like tree branches in the middle of winter, blowing in the wind. Be a tree, just not a weeping one. Tell the boys and girls you are leaving tonight. and don't look back at who you were. Look back on who those people were and never forget the ones who stepped into your heart and left graffiti all over it. you are not weak.. your strength is shining through your gray appearance. So baby, do not jump into that ice cold lake and do not forget to try your best. The wind howls for you.. The sun burns for you.. the earth rotates for you. It's all for you, it was always for you.. my sunshine.

cluttered like that book shelf you shove all your worries and feelings into. Love is the thickest book you own and his heart is not as big as you thought. it holds all the birds but that is all. you can't be cradled any longer, baby lisa. Nova. don't cry. the bow broke and that's how you will fall. Danny, why didn't you catch her? I swore to Conor she will be raised to sun to grow like a flower. but one day you'll wither away and be buried in the ground so the earth can pick at you and tear you apart and house the bugs and let the soil soak you up. ants will take your bones and carry them away, worms will burrow into your eye sockets and that my dear.. that is when I think you are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. My eyes have burned away. I am blinded by your Paradisiacal appearance, my tears are the only cure. there's been a drought, why can't i water the clouds anymore mom? what have you done to me. Taylor, why are you here? oh no.. Thaddeus is here too. MARGOT GO GET THE SALAMANDER we have got to set Fire to all the houses that hold all the books that'll prove we have thought. Ray told me about this city. But it's lights dont light up the town like your eyes did. it's so dark here. and you're scent.. I smell it everywhere I go and it's ******* suffocating me. I can't breathe in your absence anymore.
Strip me of all that I've known.
Strip my mind of your curves and how your hair is when you wake up.
I don't want it anymore.
No stalgia is here.

Did someone poor ice all over the atmosphere? it's bitter cold and no one knows why that may be and this is ******* California, might I get some tea please? I'm supposed to be basking in that overpowering, kissing your skin with cancer kind of sun, not in this Ice box. There's no more ice left, but poppy I need it for some soda and the ***** that will follow but what if this time I do not ***** from those bubbles, maybe I am an ocean now because the deepest parts will bubble from those clams that open wide but what is this? there is no pearl inside oh wait I am mistake I am thinking of oysters for crying out loud kinda maybe like a wolf so lonesome his mother dies every morning and rises in the evening. but this is mother moon and what happens under the moon resolves in an abortion because your repetitive mistakes were too much to handle. this is the sixth time this month darling we should give you one for free once you hit eight. and my words are babbling over the page and you tell me I'm not good enough and those words are all I have but maybe I'll let you keep them only if I can keep my name because that is my name and my name is the only thing I'll die with other than my bare body tossed into the cold ground, forget about a casket, I want to ******* rot. and next time, I swear, next time you see me I'll be in the hard winter ground with bugs sleeping in my eyes but that won't you be resting there because you couldn't keep it in your pants or maybe I was too much so that's why you ignored me for so long but it's all over now. I'm setting with the sun and rising with the moon waiting for those wolves to dig me up and drag me to the Tigers at the zoo.
this is terrible.

don't say a word, they'll hear you and trade us to the devil for our screams and souls. screams like bombs, cold nights and explosions. screams like that drunken girl let out as something was taken from her. they took her name. her name was all she had and her words mean nothing now that she is no one and her brother spit on her while he held the corpse of his dead bride in his arms. hoping she will inflate back to humanity and live like she did before but my brother is a freak and so are you. don't look at him. don't speak to me, I am so cold. honey, would you like some tea? glancing, ******* staring at me. aching into my missing heart. where have you been darling? oh no where, I have been now here.

the sun is through my skin, piercing it like fire. but father, mother said I couldn't burn? she said I had the grace of god. why must it be me who burns? I am not the sun nor the solar system spinning out of control, like those rides at the fair that make you spin til you ***** all of the fun you thought you were having that night. now I'm stumbling for words and my vision is impaired but this probably won't make sense and I'm not sure what more to say. I'm at a loss, I think I should stop.

mother, the curtains are turning black and the boy I love will burry me in the pile that his sweaters belong and the termites eat the floor under our feet. father told me I would walk the **** side but all I want is those loving thoughts the birds and the bees have given me and my teacher told me that God is where our life is placed but the star dust and the revolution of planets seems so much more real than those snakes demonizing that poor girl who swings on her tire swing with her ghosts that share their thoughts about who's the biggest ***** in the town and maybe, just maybe, mother will say I love you and the door will remain white from all the truth it has told from behind those knobs and walls and the black curtains will fade to nothing as if the sun has never shone and that boy will cry himself to sleep with the thought of a gun and those stupid ******* birds will sing once more without a care in the world but they truly want to see the world explode, that's what their whole ******* chatter is all about.

sweat rolls down his spine and the cats tail will sway to the pace of the nearby pocket watch, ticking down time til the world shall end and the sun will beam through the windows and the babies will scream sounding like birds ripping souls from the worms that lay low to the cold hard ground in the middle of fall and I promise, darling, oh I promise the clouds will cry tonight while the moon beams comfort the girl with that red long hair, who sings so horridly the boys go blind from nonsense. and that moment, her father will cry while sipping his whiskey and her mother will take one too many pills to ease the pain knowing her son will die and her unborn will never grow again. like flowers on the mountain tops, nothing will be revoked from your paradisiacal grip that carries the world on a stick.

keep singing me sad songs, I don't want to forget this feeling and I need you to tell me you don't love me so I can hear it rip my heart out just like the birds do to those poor worms they tear from the ground and that's the place where I fell so hard, breaking, cracking, snapping my jaw once it hit the Ice covered soil. they laughed like the hyenas in the jungle and I hid away in the basement and Margot did too. same with that bedroom, Margot was there too. Conor saves us all from the burning fire of our minds and we couldn't escape til Dan came. Mr Danny, why are you so sad? there's pints of whiskey in the corner. look to the sky, said Margot. and mother, let me go you gotta let this birdie fly if I'll ever grow and maybe it'll rain, I need a good rinse. wait, do you hear that? the music? or is that moaning? oh no it's Ramona crying? oh goodness she is screaming. Bethany, baby, what is the matter stop screaming. it'll only hurt a little bit, you needed it to be taken sometime right? your skirt looked too inviting for me to resist. I swear Carla wanted it. She even asked Helena to join us. but why is she screaming too? Father said this is the way to find love. But love isn't how him and mother was wasn't it? he was the airplanes coming to a crash and mother was the ambulance but seemingly every night they threw glass at each other. I just hope I did my math homework. I swear, I'll clean my room later and I'm sorry I didn't do the dishes and maybe you'll love me once again but my dearest I have no heart and my blood doesn't pump so when you kiss me don't be frightened I am not the ground I am the sky.

Lua I know you're hurt and you just wish upon every star but that lonesome moon does not love you back and the bare skin of your lover on yours is not enough to hope your life will stay a little bit longer and your soul is fading like candles you surround yourself with and Danny told me that conor saw that girl at the zoo again, the one who sings to the Tigers, those same tigers that tore the faces off those children last winter.
conor tells me the four winds blow for me but in this town there is nothing but rain from that mother who cries all day mourning the death of that bug she stepped on.
nothing makes sense anymore, my mind screams and the voices tell me I belong six feet under and those sirens are singing their song to me but I am not a sailor