And for a second
When I’m next to your breath
There is almost light

It’s that moment when I’m two beers in
It numbs me enough not to notice my pain
But not enough to numb my feelings
It’s the closets thing I have to peace

The problem is the feeling can’t be sustained
No more beers and the feeling wears off and the reality comes back
Another beer in, and I loose touch with reality

If I was granted one wish
It would be to capture that moment when you lay on a couch and think of nothing
Just relax
To have a shower and feel the day wash off you
I haven’t had the day wash off feeling in over 6 months
Can you imagine that
The same day troubles on top of the same day troubles
No reset

I can’t imagine a future so I don’t
I can’t imagine tomorrow  so I don’t
I can’t vision being happy so I don’t

There is no way of living for me rather than one second at a time
And sometimes I just don’t want to live in that second, so I don’t
I die
In someway I die

There seems to be more dying moments than living ones of late

I try to distract my self by keeping busy
Look for new job
Buy a motorbike
Play tennis after work
Climb after work
Footy after work
Swim after work

I’m so ******* exhausted
It’s all so exhausting
But at least than I sleep
Unless I have a nightmare
That wakes me up
Heart beating so fast
Anxiety!
Anxiety!

I can’t wait to get home and drink two beers
Bring me back to that level again
So fleeting
So unstable
Tired
Sad
Exhausted

I wish the government would subsidised my smoking and drinking costs
Put it down as mental health care

I’m finding it hard to express myself

I need help
But I’m told I have to help myself
I guess I wish I was still just a kid
I guess I wish I never lost my innocence
I guess I wish I never lost my mum

I’m scared of when smoking doesn’t work anymore
Then what do I do

When did this get all so complicated
How did this get all so messed up?

And on those long drives I only belong
between radio songs
written by sad boys that had no homes
With ***** hands and a tired heart
I drove those roads I never wanted to see again
Littered with memories of better times
And road signs reading
You don’t belong here anymore

And in the past
I do not remember pain
Blank future, no point

The only value I can find in pain is art.

The clouds look like the ocean tonight
And I dream of drowning in their softness
I dream of a rip that pulls me out of my chair and over the balcony
I dream of peace
I dream of nothing
I dream of peace
The wind is so soft
It reminds of your lips

You know I never stopped loving you

But I have to go
I wish this happened earlier
But I have to go now

Dissolving in night
Blurred out by all the day light
Non existent life