Don't tell me je t'aime*
when you know nothing about me other then some folds and creases
I keep apologizing and I'm not sure why
But I guess I should say sorry for all I did to you
sorry I don't know how to let you in
sorry that my friends didn't like you
sorry your pick up lines were lame and your jokes never made me laugh
sorry I didn't wanna be marinated or a goldfish or your princess
sorry I was so bright in your life
sorry I can't be the light in your life
I only meant to leave scratches on your back
didn't mean for them to get to your heart

I've been hating myself so much lately
On a molecular level, there are certain things that .make us who we are and I've tried hard to change but I revert back to old ways really easily
**** , it's a cop out to say I was made like this, if I wasnt wouldn't I be able to change by now?

Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough
The things that scare me from changing my depression to contentment are the same things that scare from changing who I am and how I act
So I guess I'm saying my depression controls who I am and how I act
Forever
because it never  really goes away..,

Isn't that a sad thought?

So it's on me because really if I attempted to leave the comfort of depression and really try to fight it I wouldn't be so prone to self sabotage. It's a paradox because the Sabatoge itself causes depression to grow stronger

I dont wanna wallow in self pity (even tho----I'm really good at it)


**** I'm just high and sad always just high and sad

I lost my ******* mind again
The parts of me the parts I try so hard to hide just always manage to spill out whenever I **** my liver up
My lips unscrew and I can't help but pour out my secrets as I pour out more shots
Alcohol and I never get along but neither do you and I but I always loved you

I lost my mind again
and I begged for him even though all I want is you
I hate how I can never have who I want
because everyone knows that I won't want them for long but how would they know
what my restless heart desires

tell me all the things you hate about yourself. tell me the depth of your self pity. and the intricacies of your lies. tell me all the things you tell yourself to make you feel human. tell me the last time you really felt anything. tell me about the times when you kiss your mothers' rosy cheeks and you think about ripping out her throat. tell me the things you cant even tell yourself. tell me all the things that you want to destroy and never see again. tell me of everything you already destroyed. tell me about the time you broke your leg and how the bone stuck out and you watched as the blood seeped through your skin and couldnt cry. tell me how deep rooted your fear of yourself is. tell me all the ugly things about yourself. let me see the monster in you and all the screams you stifle through half shut eyes.

"It's been three months and your name still lingers on my mouth like bittersweet chocolate. I wish I could hate you, I wish I could take the realizations of your toxicity in my life and concoct some pure hatred towards you and your selfishness. But I can't because I will always love you and how can I hate you when I wouldn't even be who I am without you. And I know that she wants me to hate you too and if my angel knew that I was sitting here talking to the silent devil on my shoulder I don’t think I would ever be forgiven. but my angel is a little close-minded, she doesn't understand that I needed you, and sometimes I still do. You told me you never wanted to be treated like a cigarette, to be smoked up, stomped out and ignored like a *****. You wanted to be the drug in my veins, something I couldn't live without. You wanted to be the air I breathe. And you were, oh you still are. But that's the thing about drugs and oxygen, they don't need you like you need them, they don't want you like you want them. Everyone always tell you quitting a substance is easier after the first month but it’s been three months and if you were like any other drug, I would have forgotten about you already but I anytime my lips burn with gin, I can't help but start calling for you or calling you. I can't tell if I'm drinking because of you or to forget you, nothing makes sense without you.
everything before you is gone and after you is agony.
Why don't you ever call me back, you ******* bi- **** I’m sorry. I'm so sorry-
I don't even know what I m sorry for- you left me.”