the shifting wind
gave way to a cooler night
but I laid in bed
sleepless
& sweating away
withdrawals from my self-proclaimed
ban on smoking

wide awake in silence
is the worst place to be
if you think like I do
every ache flooding in underneath
the door
the bleeding in my recollection
as if I'd gone so many years
in a cloud of amnesia
it all began to play back on
the silent film reel

the first time you heard me sing

the night I punched you and didn't know what for

when you invited me to meet your band

the tears that fell from your eyes and onto my doorstep

the tears from mine when you went back to her

your fingers in my hair when we were in class

the ***** shots we took on the sidewalk
& you said you loved my poetry

the second tear-stained doorstep
& you went back to her the next day

when you spent the night in my room
& we slept seven feet away from each other
because we were cursed with our loyalty to our lovers

the day she found out
& told you to stay away from me

the day you married her and I locked myself in my bathroom
with a bottle of wine and a handful of pills

my wedding day
you showed up alone and hugged me for too long
in front of God and my husband
my wedding night
when I apologized for punching you years ago
& you kissed my hair

new year's eve
when you invited me over 'cause she was gone
& you held me while we laughed at
Pulp Fiction




these are the things I can never tell you
these are the things that only matter to people like me
who tend to love far too much
in all the wrong places



in quiet dark rooms
while the whole world is asleep