I feel as if my body is zinc and steel,
Heated to volcanic temperatures to be molded
And shaped into a train.
My body is made of all these strong, hardy metals.
It’s a body meant to pierce the winds and divide the landscapes
At a speed the eye cannot keep.
A body with a straight forward purpose;
To keep traveling and keep on shining.
Seems a lovely life doesn’t it?
Travel and wander the tracks day after day after day.
Experience the new time and time again while in one amazing physical body,
A body I can call mine.
But then what sounds continuously penetrate my metallic ears?
The shuffle of feet and the screams and cracks of tired, hot engines.
Never any QUIET!
At the very beginning it was exciting,
And stayed so for a while.
Then those new exciting sounds turned into merciless loud noise.
…
Tonight, I feel as though my body is a train made from zinc and steel.
Tonight, my mind feels like the noise and chaos of rushed steps and loud engines.
Tonight, I am a train that is screaming into the night.

Am I here?
Do I exist?
Do you see me?
Do I see myself?
Is my heart and image collateral left behind until I return?
Can you tell me?
Can I tell myself?
Who is first to really know?
Who is last?

What were your eyes seeing?
Or were they just glassy lenses with no soul behind?

What words were your lips conjuring?
Or were they chapped and dry?

What judgements and praises was your mind forming?
Or did your pulsing brain dance without a tune?

Speak to me...
I love you....
I remember you...
I love you...

The Yuba River was my heart beat.
It's rushing rapids and trickling streams my veins.
The fog that lay as blanket on the surface in early morning was my breathe.
The cold and sun touched rocks were my palms and foot soles.

Nevada City.
That little bubble of a town was my home.
Walking down Broad Street made each step I took a joyous jump.
Sitting in the Curly Wolf and the Foxhound drinking espresso to quench my caffeine addiction, always brought the calmest of tones on my mind.
Sitting in Three Forks, smiling at my coworkers, eating a croissant on my break or on my day off, always brought the warmest smile to my face.

The Yuba River. Nevada City.
The people that made me happy and the people that made me cringe.
All of it, I loved and still hold dear.

But, it was time.
On November 17th at 8 pm I buckled my strap and looked out the planes shaky window.
It was time for my adventures to begin.
I was ready to embrace this chance to start fresh.
Oh what an exciting, terrifying, incredible decision this was.
The best I've ever made.

Now, the North Cali girl
Is in New Zealand, Middle Earth, Kiwi Land.
And she is beyond happy!
Beyond joyous!
Beyond grateful!
She feels whole, and she feels independent and strong.
She's in love with herself
And everything around her.

As the Kiwis say...
Cheers

You heard of that drug?
That drug they call Love.
Na it ain't a pill or liquid on paper.
Na it ain't a shroom or leaf.
Na na na.
It ain't something you consume.
It consumes you.
No one knows how it happens,
All that anyone can agree on is
You ain't got control of it.
It just happens.

~~~~~~

Ya.
You know what drug I'm talking about.
Well man...
I'm pretty sure its consumed me.

Yesterday morning I awoke like a sparkle.
I rose from my floor mattress and danced and sang!
My clumsy fingers rummaged through the piles of clothing
Making decision a difficult annoyance.
Then finally, dressed simply and breathing heavily,
A knock sounded on my door.
There he was!
A knight so handsome and youthful it made my heart flutter.

So, my heart aflutter and my eyes a sparkle, I took steps
Side by side this gallant knight,
Off to make whatever would be made of that most beautiful day.

~~~~~~~~

The knight and I walked under the trees and
Along the shallow stream.
Walked and talked of many things.
That was the simplest afternoon I can conjure in my mind,
And it was absolutely perfect!

By the end of that afternoon we had already made
A bucket list of adventures for the coming days.
And now,
As I sit on my floor mattress typing away my heart-flutters,
I know I look forward to nothing more than adventuring and discovering
With this handsome youthful gallant knight.

Everyday I walk the sidewalks of downtown,
and everyday I hide my true feelings.
For every face I pass, I wear a mask.
This task of hiding is one I set for myself instinctively.
Each day rolls by with hiding and
A continuous hollow in me.
That hollow, for the most part, remains at a steady size,
But its when I see his face that the hollow expands.

A friendly smile takes shape on his mouth, so effortlessly.
He says my name as a person would say 'hello'.
His face doesn't show any identifiable emotion.
Its as if I am nothing more than an acquaintance he just met yesterday...

I want to stare, just stare into that beautiful plastered face of his for hours
And search for any shred of remembrance.
Remembrance that he said he cared about me.

Can't he see that the timing of his decisions involving me,
Is absolutely, painfully wrong?
Can't he at least be a friend to me in this time when I need friends?
Can't he just... care about me? Like he said he did...