People may call me beautiful
they might say it matches my personality but does not  make me feel any better about myself??
Nope not at all
Makes me feel good for about a minute

Even when a hot guy wants to step to me
I instantly go quiet
My mind goes blank
Forgetting what's my name
And automatically all my insecurities tap in
And think he couldn't possibly be looking at me
I'm no super model
Or anything close to a size 2
Or anything special for him to take a second look

Plus being Plus Size doesn't help anything
When I'm always being reminded
That I'm just not good enough
and  if I was a little bit taller maybe even  a little bit smaller
Like that would solve all my problems

I know I have the capabilities to put on a beauty show
but I don't
I just wear baggy clothes
and wait to surprise people
I actually know how to dress to impress
its a talent I even surprise myself
sometimes
What they say is true your your own worst critic
That's why I say I'm the Queen of my own insecurities

My stress is high
Easily influenced by my anger
Trying to breath
and remember it could be worst
Count my blessings
One-Im alive
Two-all that I have asked for has become mine
Three-i have a loving family that I would be lost without
That should be enough to relieve my stress remember what I have
and be grateful for it

It's a place where no one knows
A place where I miss my parents
And pretend that it doesn't **** me not to have them around
And wish my soul could rest where they are now
A search for who iam
Lost and confused
Blinded on where should I go now
Pushing away from everyone
Hating to be surrounded
And told what to do
Depressed and self pity has a place in my darkness
Joy in my sleep
Because no one can bother me
nor stress me out
Though happy does not exist in this darkness
Overeating and talking down to myself before anyone could put me down
A INSECURE CHILD TRYING TO GROW UP AND ACT HER AGE
Too old to be playing around.
BUT I Hide myself in my shame
Try hard not to lie to those who love me
Guess I get Ashamed of the truth I get myself in
No one would approve so my negative thoughts tell me now

Guess we should not be quick to speak unless our actions are squeaky clean...being true to our word should be a resolution of our everyday lives...because if we can not honor our word than...who could we trust???and who trust us in return???No one but ourselves to blame for being such a hypocrit to begin with.

Where have you been my whole life
I found my old time love Poetry
My soul sings at thy opportunity
To show apart of me that I choose to hide from the world
Because I'm not the type to say what's on my mind
Hold everything to myself let no one know how I think or feel
Poetry is the only way I know to  free myself and deal with everything that goes on in my head, before I explored from my own bitter insanity

Its my poetic justice my right to express myself

Started with innocent lies that protected my *** from overproductive parents

Now I'm a bit ridiculous lies fall out of my mouth left and right

Sad part as long as I have been lying
You wld think I wld be good at it by now
But that's far from the truth

Always caught up with my lies no matter how big or how small for some reason the truth finds its way around

Wish I could stop ...wish I knew how ...what's the medicine? to cure my disease of addiction to lying

You might just think...girl just stop lying...easy for you to say but you don't understand I've been lying for so long that the truth and lies all sound the same to me

Habitual liar is what I am...I'm not ashamed to say I'm expressing hoping this will help me except it.move on.and change

Why do I stop writing when I know I'm going mantally insane
Not saying what I want to say
Dealing with life everyday
If you haven't figure it out now
I'm venting my feelings
In the only way I know how
My poetry is my therapist
And my words and thoughts are
The things that calm me down
Because I'm bossed around on the daily
And expected to do the unexpected
Feeling so stretched thin
Can almost scream
because the stress it brings

My flesh is weak
My will is gone
My wants are confused
My freedom is compromised
My body is tired
My mind is stressed
But something in me hasn't given up
And I know its because of you
You never gave up on me so I got to keep trying
Hopefully true happiness is around the corner somewhere

LORD DO YOU HEAR ME??
I'VE BEEN LOST IN THE DARKNESS
BEEN FEARFUL AND CONSTANTLY AFRAID BECAUSE
MY FAITH HAS BEEN LOW
AND I HAVE BEEN HIDING IN SHAME
BECAUSE I FORGOT TO CALL UPON YOUR NAME
NOW I LiE AWAKE THINKIN OF ALL MY CRAZY MISTAKES
JUST HAVEN'T BEEN MYSELF LATELY
LORD CHANGE ME
BECAUSE YOUR THE ONLY ONE I KNOW WHO COULD
CHANGE MY BAD HABITS AND HELP ME FROM REPEATING THE SAME MISTAKES
MAKE Me Better
Thank you in the name of Jesus Christ AMEN

Dear 2015

Goodbye 2014
I'm not gonna miss you not even for a second
Its been a lifetime in a year
Never worked so hard in my life
I won't lie there was a lot good times
I've never dated so many guys in my life
It amazes me how busy I have been
Helping Run a business and have my own job on the side
what a story I will tell someday
Share with my children
Had such crazy life
no one with the right mind would have done what I have done.
But our motto was to do what we gotta do to succeed in this life and to take care of our love ones.
That was our motivation and drive
So may 2015 be blessed and hope we make it to the end
May all our hard work pay off before we die and all else remains a lie

Don't you just hate the sound of ticking noise of the clock is all you can hear?
tick tock it wont stop
Eyes wide open because your mind is thinking of all the things you need to do.
Have to do.
Haven't done nothing at all about it.
Things I wish I was doing but ain't because of obligations that have me chain down to the ground.
I work everyday
from one job to another
A lot sleepless days
And hopeless nights
Hoping one day hard work will pay off
Sacrifice never is harder than when your going through it
Living to one day pay it back to the people who mean the most to me
A lot of broke days
and people burning your ears up with complaints
that leave you feeling helpless
Some days it feels like it ain't worth it
and some days it feels maybe we going to make it
Or make the biggest mistake of our loves
Tired of being tired
I just wanna be happy
What does that even look like anymore??
Wanna love what I do
and do what I love
My own selfish crime wishing
I had more time
My poetry is how I pass time and free my mind
Going thru too many emotions
Have to file in the back of my mind
under overwhelmed and stressed
but trying to remember I am blessed
I have more than most
Keep on working till I can't work no more
I am fortunate beyond words I have to be unbreakable even if I feel like breaking down

You make me smile
Check mark the box next to Good
Your not the 6foot tall dark and handsome i had longed dreamed about
somewhere imbetween checked good and bad
I look at this list I've made of you and there is only three things that draw to the negative
And the good outweighs it all
so maybe it time for me to stop trippin
Except the love I have been given
NOt used to being loved in such away
By a stranger who wanted know me in every way
And me fighting every step of the way
Been hurt so long
by too many nameless people
who are just face
and a memory now
Hard to accept anything good
when it's Givin
You almost don't know how to react
Gotta let yourself be happy
And let the good things play out

Usually takes me all my life to get a couple words out of me
but today it's like I have been awaken from a long sleep
Ready to express everything inside of me
Let every word be written down
May you say my poetry out loud
let nothing hold me back now
Like emotions are throwing up out of my mouth
Such a weird way to put it
But I'm saying it
In the unique way it comes out
I won't stop
Makes me feel alive
To let it all out

I have been in and out of relationships swearing off men for life
and trying to remind myself not to do that again
Don't rush
Try to improve myself
before involving anybody else in my life
and each time my heart gets harder and harder to turn anyone away
but I always wanna smack my forehead like....Here I Go Again
When mister prince charming
Becomes my true love for now
But really got too much going on that I barely even have time for myself

I wish you knew
How much I miss you
And wish I could call
But do not wanna be called the girl
Who didn't have a clue
So I quietly wish you knew
How much I miss you
And wish you would call
I pinch myself telling myself you don't care at all
Helps me cope trying to move forward
But I wish you knew it wasn't or isn't easy for me
Because I wish you knew how hard I try to hold on to you
Didn't realize till it was too late that I was acting crazy
but the whole time you were mine
But I pushed you away
And I wish you knew
I only wanted you to stay
To hold me
And tell me how much you care
Just wanted a minute of your day
Even wish for a second to be in your presences
because that is how much I miss you

A glimpse of your face would change my world

But I guess you will never know how much I truly care

But i won't say and I only say I wish you knew

I need to keep writing
So that poetry could mean something
To me and touch the eyes that read my poetry
I'm not trying to be noticed but I want to share common ground with all those from all around
I don't have a spectacular vocabulary or a special way with words
But I've known for a long time I like to share my words and my thoughts even if sometimes my thoughts are confusing and incomplete
But being apart of hello poetry is exciting and reading everyone's writing only makes me want to practice more
So that I could be as amazing as every bodies poetry I have come to know and read
A lot of talent out there  to even have a little  piece is so special to me

I have been in and out of relationships swearing off men for life
and trying to remind myself
Don't rush
Try to improve yourself
before involving anybody else
I'm getting older
Sometimes I think I should be married by now
and each time my heart gets harder and harder to turn anyone away
Because worried of missing my chance of a life time
No faith
No place
Don't know how
but I wanna smack myself
When mister brandnew
Becomes my true love overnight
Never patient
Always opposite of what I should be
Don't wanna be single for the rest of my life
but I don't wanna be a relationship right now
Yet Caught in another predicament

I listen to sad music
It eases this pain deep with in me
One is the longing to be held
Loved adored
Needing to feel more
I tell no one exactly how I feel
Except God
because his the only one
who keeps it real
Plus my words will not be taken out of context  
Nor used against me
I hurt a different type of hurt
I hide it in this poem
Hoping someone feels me
Or wont feel me at all
But its a remedy that eases me

I want to be free
Do the first thing that comes to my mind.
Wake up late and do nothing at all sounds so good to me.
Watch my brother grow up and see my other sisters in the bay like everyday.
I want to drive away and never come back.
Hate the demands of my job it ain't a question its a infinite list of things to do.
I want quit and start again.
And start something new
Live on my own.
Do my own thing
Change my name by
Marrying the perfect stranger.
Have kids and love em with every ounce of  me
I just want to be happy
Own every moment of my life

Mind is full
With a constant reminder of you
Forever alone
Wondering why
I could never get this right
Passion shot  me in the back
Forever traumatized me
And don't know
if I  could get my face off the ground
And I blame my overthinking ***
For driving you away
And yet I think about you everyday
And I reap what sow
And hurt like no body will ever know
But I am quiet
and trying to keep my composure
And accept things as they are
So I can move forward
And not repeat the same mistakes
And May I learn  to love again

I wish you could see me right now
Laying with my eyes wide open
Proud of the small things I have done
But I smile like I ve won
Something worth talking about
But really it was just me on overdrive
To get job done
Only hoping to pass the test to all this hard work could pay off for the rest
Holding my breath till the inspection done
Than and only than can I close my eyes and put myself to rest
For the week has been long
My hands are tired
And my mind has been tangled in too many thoughts
Just would like to step away from it all
And stress a little less

I wish you could see me right now
Laying with my eyes wide open
Proud of the small things I have done
But I smile like I ve won
Something worth talking about
But really it was just me on overdrive
To get job done
Only hoping to pass the test to all this hard work could pay off for the rest
Holding my breath till the inspection done
Than and only than can I close my eyes and put myself to rest
For the week has been long
My hands are tired
And my mind has been tangled in too many thoughts
Just would like to step away from it all
And stress a little less

My sister says I like to dwell
In my sad heart broken place ...it’s true....love singing Beyoncé I build sandcastles and cry 😭 while I wash the dishes and drive everyone insane around me singing and crying and crying and singing....wanting everyone to feel my pain as their ears 👂 bleed listening to me and the same song on repeat for a whole year mourning a relationship that was never a relationship to begin with