High school is hard. It’s a time period where you are trying to find who you are. However, you stray further away from that goal because we are so caught up in trying to impress others and be more like them than ourselves. We change our hair,our style and sometimes even our slang. We try to change our personality but that’s harder than it sounds so instead we tweak it and learn how to fake it. After all the quote is ¨Fake it till you make it.” But how do you know when you have made it? Is it finally when that cute boy you like ask you out? Is it when you have so many “friends¨ that you don’t look lonely? Or is it when you have lost yourself completely to where you don’t even know who you are. You look in the mirror and you see a stranger staring back at you. Is that when you have made it?
Let’s be real. Nobody is going to remember that dress you wore to prom, the one you went broke for, just because people said “*** that’s so cute, you have to get it.” Even though you didn’t like it yourself. Nobody is going to remember if you had the new Iphone X, that you begged your mom for and she got it for you even though she couldn’t afford it and she went even deeper in debt but she wanted you to be happy so she got it for you. Nobody is going to remember that you were that one girl with the Air Force A1 Nikes. The ones your dad got you instead of getting new shoes for himself because his back is hurting but he rather see you happy.  Everyone is sacrificing things just so you can be “happy”. When in reality the only thing people are going to remember you by is if you were nice or rude to them. Because all the other things don’t  matter. The only thing that really matters is if you can look at yourself in the mirror and be happy and I mean truly happy with what and who you see. Because that is what people are going to remember when you’re walking across the stage to get that diploma. All that matters in that moment is your hard work, dedication and staying true to yourself. Not who you were friends with. Not what you wore. But how you treated others including yourself.

By the time you say “ Don’t lose hope’, you already have. By the time they say “ Sorry” you’re already drowning in sorrow. By the time they say “ I’ll never let you go” you’re already lost on your own. He said “ I should have loved you harder and held you tighter” but it was too late, she had already slipped through his fingers.  Where is she now? She’s lying on the ground, her body cold as ice. He looks at her and then turns his head away, for he couldn’t bare the sight. He looked once  more and noticed what happened to be a tear frozen on her face. And for once in his life he shedded a tear for his wife. He kissed her and said “goodnight”.
The next morning he was found dead. He had hung himself. He left  his wedding ring on his pillow on his side of the bed. Next to it was a note that read “ Till death do us apart, I will love you till the day I die”.

I could never give up because I am too much of a coward to take the silver blade and let it kiss my precious fine, white wrist and let the dark blood run down and drippy drip drip down my finger tips onto the tile floor of my bathroom, the same bathroom where I have stood in the shower crying because no one can hear your pain over the murmuring of the water and you get this feeling as if you are being cleansed only to step out of the shower and begin to sin again. The same place where I have stood in front of the mirror staring at all my imperfections and pointing every single one of my flaws silently wishing that I was a different person in different skin. Wishing I was perfect. However we all have different perspectives of perceptions of perfection. AW

It comes silently in the night.Slowly kills me inside.
I conceal. Forever the pain will hide. Within my deep blue ocean eyes. I try to to talk about it but nothing comes out "sorry for inconvenience but this machine is currently broken down". Please forgive my my perception is out of order come and try again later.
Why me? Why me? Is a repetitive question that I ponder as I wonder if I'm ever going to defeat this war that is slowly deteriorating my mind, body, and soul. There are tears in my ducts, but I refuse to give in, I refuse to give up. The silver blade shines brighter than ever but I turn a blind eye because I know things can and will get better. People ask "What's depression like". Some say they can't explain it unless you've been through it but truth be told I'm going through it and I still can't understand it. Others say that you go from happy to sad within minutes. That's barely scratching the surface. Depression can from sorrow to complete rage. The same rage that had made me run away. I ran away from home for almost a week. I hit my low, lowest I could be. My world was crumbling beneath my feet. The weight on my shoulders in that moment was killing me. I never felt so lost, never felt so weak and that's saying a lot because I've suffering from this disease since I was 10 years old

I needed to clear my mind.
So I balanced my way to the other side.
I climbed so high that when I reached my hand out, I almost touched the sky.
SPLISH. SPLASH.
DRIPPITY DROP.
Those are the sounds of the rocks hitting the water.
New day. New adventure.

Why can't I be that girl with perfect long sleek hair? Why can't I be the girl with the twinkling eyes? Why can't I be the girl that lights up you world? Why can't I be the girl that is constantly on your mind? Why can't I be the girl that you look at and you feeling it getting hard to breathe? Why can't I be that girl that you would do anything for? Why can't I be the girl with the cute smile? Why can't I be the girl that has the cutest little giggle? Why can't I be the girl that you like even with her flaws? Why can't I be the girl that you turn to when u need a shoulder to cry on? Why can't I be the girl that you think about when certain songs come on? Why I can't I be that girl?
    Instead I'm the girl with the frizzy damaged hair. I'm the girl with a little crooked smile. I'm the girl with dull eyes. I'm the girl thats second choice. I'm the girl that laughs kind of  loud. I'm the girl that you never think about. I'm the girl that's too skinny for you could break me. I'm the girl that is the outsider. I'm the girl that is invisible. I'm the girl that you use when it's convenient for you. I'm the girl that has a little bit of a boy side in her. I'm the girl that hides everything. I'm the girl that is never going to be good enough for  you. I am me.