762

The Whole of it came not at once—
’Twas ****** by degrees—
A ******—and then for Life a chance—
The Bliss to cauterize—

The Cat reprieves the Mouse
She eases from her teeth
Just long enough for Hope to tease—
Then mashes it to death—

’Tis Life’s award—to die—
Contenteder if once—
Than dying half—then rallying
For consciouser Eclipse—

I think back to when I was young,
To things I wish I'd never known,
I think back to innocence,
I remember, innocence,
I never did own.

It's a whisper of a thought,
A shadow of a dream,
Of a sin so great,
So real it seemed.

I was so young...
I would reach for the door,
And knew I was short,
I would puts sheets on boxes,
And call it a fort,
I would play tag at my school,
The fastest of my friends,
I would lay still in my bed,
Thinking this was the end.

She came into my room,
Not far into the night,
Took my blanket and my clothes,
Said it's alright,
Tonight,
I'll just explore,
Nothing more,
Don't cry,
Don't be a bore,
Don't be a child,
Be something more,
Maybe you'll understand,
When you're older,
When you're a man.

This, whisper of a thought,
This shadow of a memory,
It clouds me when I think,
Of how young I used to be,
To young to see the sin,
Or know where to begin,
When shame filled my soul,
I knew not how to win.

I can't explain away the scars,
The marks upon my skin,
Where she placed her hand,
And let her nails dig in.

Tell no one of my sin,
Speak nothing of this night,
Or I'll do this all again,
I knew that she was right,
So I kept my quiet of my pain,
And let her do her thing,
She said, you're lucky,
I don't wear rings.
And don't pout,
She said to me that night,
Then took her fingers out.

O lovely chance, what can I do
To give my gratefulness to you?
You rise between myself and me
With a wise persistency;
I would have broken body and soul,
But by your grace, still I am whole.
Many a thing you did to save me,
Many a holy gift you gave me,
Music and friends and happy love
More than my dearest dreaming of;
And now in this wide twilight hour
With earth and heaven a dark, blue flower,
In a humble mood I bless
Your wisdom—and your waywardness.
You brought me even here, where I
Live on a hill against the sky
And look on mountains and the sea
And a thin white moon in the pepper tree.

Tepid air and t-shirt sheets,
I lay dormant, yet thoughtful
As the wind of various methods
Of transportation whisper in my ear
From afar.
My eyelids linger open,
Burdensome, but somehow comfortable
And I like my skin bare
Whilst the wind floats on through.
A dry cough keeps me awake,
Like I have been in a drought
For weeks, for months
So rash, so longing.
A full breath I take, but
Always interrupted and
A cool stream of water’s
Not a cure in the least.
Tepid air and t-shirt sheets,
I lay dormant and I like my skin bare.

Places I love come back to me like music,
Hush me and heal me when I am very tired;
I see the oak woods at Saxton’s flaming
In a flare of crimson by the frost newly fired;
And I am thirsty for the spring in the valley
As for a kiss ungiven and long desired.

I know a bright world of snowy hills at Boonton,
A blue and white dazzling light on everything one sees,
The ice-covered branches of the hemlocks sparkle
Bending low and tinkling in the sharp thin breeze,
And iridescent crystals fall and crackle on the snow-crust
With the winter sun drawing cold blue shadows from the trees.

Violet now, in veil on veil of evening
The hills across from Cromwell grow dreamy and far;
A wood-thrush is singing soft as a viol
In the heart of the hollow where the dark pools are;
The primrose has opened her pale yellow flowers
And heaven is lighting star after star.

Places I love come back to me like music —
Mid-ocean, midnight, the waves buzz drowsily;
In the ship’s deep churning the eerie phosphorescence
Is like the souls of people who were drowned at sea,
And I can hear a man’s voice, speaking, hushed, insistent,
At midnight, in mid-ocean, hour on hour to me.

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes.
I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.

What happened to those days?
I'm sad, and can't quite make it go away.
Everyone has gone,
I can't smile, it's been too long
It's hard to understand,
Nothing was ever planned,
But it's still worse then I ever thought
Anything to help, just can't be bought.
Mother never seems to look my way,
Father never has anything nice to say,
Brother died when he drank too much,
Sister ran when father tried to touch,
I'm left by myself, I hide my heart,
On the very highest shelf, while pulling myself apart.

I try to be good,
As every son should,
But when everyone is bad,
You can't stand to be stood.

I remember when everything was green,
No one was ever mean,
They loved and loved and loved,
Their hearts like that one gift from above.
We used to all walk hand in hand,
Sister would go kick stands,
Brother would wrestle with dad,
Mother smiled, no one was ever mad.
We used to talk about the day,
What happened at school,
What this person said to say,
Being small, I sat on the tallest stool,
And listened, and learned,
Watching Mother tend sisters blister,
I was taught to never get burned.

Now nothing is green, it's all brown and dead
Everyone is dark, there's screaming in my head,
I want to cry my eyes to nothing,
I want to run forever,
I need to be held so tight,
I want to be together.

But I'm apart in all my dreams,
A wall between me and that smile,
Higher then it ever seemed,
Can't see the top, it goes on for awhile,
I want, and I need
I've been told this is greed,
Did I do this all?
Was I the seed?

Was it me, who made brother take that drink?
Is it my fault, that be began to sink?
Could I have saved him, from himself?
Did he hide his heart, on that very same shelf?
Was it me, who caused sister to run away?
Is it my fault, no one ever saw her again, on any day?
Could I have saved her, when father told her "lets go"?
Did she look to me, to tell father "no"?
Was I too distracted, in my childish ways?
It is my fault, I'm why they've gone away.

This is all my fault,
Looking for answers,
Myself I've caught,
Mother must be so disappointed,
Thinking I was better taught.
I'm the worst son she could have ever had
That's why she never looks at me,
That's why she always looks so sad,
Now I really see,
Such a bad boy, in the mirror I see myself,
Well now I'll make up for it, I'll take down my heart
Hidden on the highest shelf,
I'll give it to Mother, and Father too,
And I bet I know what they'll do,
They'll hug me, and kiss me, and love me all over again
Then that'll be it, no more pain,
We can forget everyone who'd dead,
And all the screaming can stop in my head,
Yes, that's what I'll do,
I'll love them, and they'll love me too.

So I take down my heart, and blow off all the dust
Walk down the stairs, ready to give them all my trust,
But Father blocks my way, smelling worse then I can remember,
It's almost familiar, something about December,
But I look at the up at him, and hold out my heart,
With a smile finally on my face,
He staggers a bit, then takes me in his arms,
But my heart falls, and breaks apart,
He leans closer to me, and that smell I can taste,
It's the smell he smelt like, when he told sister, "lets go"
It's the smell brother smelt like, when he wouldn't take it slow,
It's the smell, I always remember,
That smell, I wished to never know.

Father carries me up the stairs, and into the room,
The night goes by, slower then I've known to be soon,
The sun comes up, and I hurt,
All over, Like I've been burned,
Mother was right to be disappointed,
I guess I didn't learn.
I bleed, and smell bad,
I need, something I can't remember,
If I've ever had,
A hug, and a kiss,
Ones that don't make me hurts
That don't make me bleed,
I want some pants, and shirt,
To cover the parts of me, that I guess I don't need.
I can't move, everything is cold,
My eyes get tired, the day gets old,
I close my heavy eyes, letting the sleep take,
I never knew,
That I'd never wake.