I never really understood depression until i found myself fighting it.  Until i realized i wanted to have less worries, and enjoy smaller things, but somehow every time i tried to "enjoy" stuff more it made me feel more unhappy, It is only since a couple of weeks that i realized that i might have been on auto-pilot for a really long time, I could not handle the feelings of joy and happiness, it made me feel anxious and hella stressed, For me experiencing feelings like joy and excitement felt so unnatural that i strongly believed this feelings didn't belong to me, i thought every time i experienced it depression will take something in return, Because that is just how it goes inside my head 1 good thing can not make 2 bad things better, and i hate myself for it because i just know that i would suffer less from stress and anxiety if 1 good thing could make 2 bad things better.


Since when i was 19 i am the most obsessed over-thinker you will ever meet. I developed the most natural looking social skills but i still suffer from semi-extreme anxiety through really small events like making a phone call, get off the bus, get on the bus, have social contact, have *** etc, In fact i was so used to my behavior that i really forgot that what i felt was everything but  pleasant and that i did not have to feel that way. I would like to call this my auto pilot modus and i might have been switched on it for 5 years, "Just act like the rest of them and you will blend in so you hide the fact that you are actually insane" the more i tried to be just "like them" the more i realized i am a natural talent for **** everything up