Lone Wolf

Lone Wolf Oct 2014

The first stage of grief is denial.
I don't know the others well
I never seem to get past that first one.
I tell myself that I don't care
I deny my own feelings
And never seem to get past that
"I don't mourn a stranger,
It doesn't bother me
I never knew him"

Eventually I plan to write a full five stages of grief poem... But first I need to think of a situation where I've actually gotten through all five. I don't typically get far in the grief process. I always seem to get stuck at ether denial or a bitter, angry hatred.

Lone Wolf Oct 2014

October second

13 messages
13 people that have seen it necessary to remind me
As if I didn't know today was the day
As if I didn't didn't pick up this date the last 17 years
The last 17 years of their mourning
For a man I never met
For a man that decided he was done
One month and five days before my first birthday
He ran away
And he's gone.
Blood means nothing,
I never knew him by daddy
I don't mourn a stranger,
So please stop reminding me

My father died October second 1996. There is debate on why he died. The how is very clear, he was drunk. It was raining. And there was a cliff that he drove over. The debate is if he accidentally drove off the cliff or if he meant to.
Officially state records say it was an accident. I'm thankful for that because that means I get social security. His close family cling resolutely to it being an accident.
Here's what I see: he had been fighting with my mom. He left us and was going to his dad's house in Tennessee. So no matter what he abandoned me and it doesn't matter. There was no skid marks, he didn't try to stop. The cliff was off road, he didn't accidentally get there. And he died with a picture of me in his hand, which means he knew he was about to die.
Doesn't matter. I don't mourn a stranger.

Lone Wolf Oct 2014

Wish you were here

You don't listen to Floyd
So you wouldn't understand that
Wish you was here being our song
Is not really a good thing
But it describes us perfectly
I know, I've listened to it obsessively
Because it reminds me of you
And me, and what we could be
Would be, if we take that leap

Lone Wolf Oct 2014

You

It takes effort to write anymore
About anything other than you
And to be quite honest dear,
I ******* hate it.

I hate not being able to have thoughts
That don't center on you
I feel like I'm losing myself
Abandoning myself to you
You infiltrated my body first
And now my mind
Next is my heart,
If you can get past those walls
And the worst part is?
You don't even know it
You have gotten to me with little effort
You want nothing more than my body
And friendship, companionship
When you're in town

Lone Wolf Sep 2014

I write for you

I have a million unfinished poems
That start with a thought of you
But fail to capture you right
Or start on a different topic entirely
And trail off, into you
A million little couplets
With cute, near rhyme
About mundane things you do
Things you're probably not even aware of
I just can't get you out of my mind
No matter how much I try
And you're not even mine

Not mine... Yet.

Lone Wolf Sep 2014

Tragic world

A mothers silent tears drip
As a father tries to remain stoic
A miniature coffin lowered
Into cold, hardened ground
A white teddy bear left
On a slab of grey stone
With a chiseled name
And a few harsh numbers
1996-2001

A young wife weeps
With a child in her arms
Rifles fire in a salute
Into the dismal sky
Flowers are left,
And pictures of his newborn
That he never got to meet
The wife is told
we thank you for your sacrifice

Silence reigns
Over the mass grave
Of mangled remains
Victims of religious hate
Hundreds of children dead
For what their parents believed
Somewhere someone is crying
As the soldiers say
thank god that group is gone today

A young girl screams,
Seeing her mothers pale tone
And the tub of red water
needles littering the floor
A ***** family secrete
Finally comes to a peak
She grabs for the phone
Fumbles over numbers
*911, what's your emergency?

All deaths are important. But it is often the ones that are least noticed that cause the most pain. Everyone is touched by small children dying of illness, everyone knows the troubles of family's left behind fallen soldiers, everyone mourns victims of genocide. How many notice the orphaned child of a drug addict who killed themselves?
These were origanally seperate poems I had wrote that I put together. I might try to condense and shape this into a sonnet and send it to my uncle who publishes them.

Lone Wolf Sep 2014

Settling

Hello... hello... hello...
Is there anybody in there?
I feel trapped
And unable to nod
To indicate my being
And no, I can't hear you
I'm too
well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Too lost
In my mind
To stop my own pain
ill need some information, first
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
My mind
And heart
Are being torn away from each-other
And becoming separate entities
With different wants
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
But you may feel a little sick.*
Can't feel worse than now
I'm sick already
And dying inside
Rotting inside my own mind
can you stand up, stand up,
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
Temporary reliefs
From my cryptic beliefs
On death
And how close I am
Dead enough to be decaying
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Of happiness
And what life could be
A merry me
And cheerful world
In that moment
I saw peace
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
But, I can be content
With temporay relief
*I have become comfortably numb....

Anything in italics is quotes from pink Floyd, comfortably numb