my old bedroom window
past the trees, where i laid on dead grass and had my first kiss
we'd sit on my desk with a pillow from my bed
my makeup done, i'd smoke a cigarette

i'd ride my bike on cobblestone
when we'd take the bus, and he'd walk me home
i'd see my own reflection as i ride by a shop window
its late at night

still 17, sweet beauty queen
if i recall, i was just as mean
i'd wear fishnet tights,
give him a kiss on the cheek,
end scene.

now i'm only half a person
now i'm only half alive
now if i can bear to adore myself, i'm a fool for staying inside
if it doesn't get cold in november
if a sunny day breaks my heart
i could go back to that party?
how things were
how things are

i stare at the skyline
i stare at my hands
i stare at a city i don't understand
a place i can't trust, but its familiar too?
a place that i hate, because it belongs to you

i ride my bike on a soulless road
get homesick for places i'd never call home
i see the same reflection as i ride by
the same sad girl with the same sad eyes

I miss being 18
Maybe I miss the muted skyline I could see from my bedroom window, past the trees, past the field where I laid down on dead grass and had my first kiss

I miss riding my bike on cobblestone
I’d hold on to the handle bars as my wheels skipped over the cracks
and come home with bruises and a sore back and a drenched scalp
Still, I’d keep my balance
I’d look to my right and see a pretty girl in the reflection
With long blonde hair and an arched back

I used to breathe fire in November
I used to bring a bottle of rosé to a rich girl's house party
I'd kiss your "friend" on the cheek, and linger
and in the morning, I'd lie with/to a man I tried so hard to love because I knew he adored me
But God
I adored me

Now I'm only a half of a person
I look out of my new bedroom window, and see a city I still don't understand
I see a soulless road named after a place I couldn't trust, a place that belonged to you
Oh no, a sunny day has broken my heart…

Could I go back to that party?
The kind where I’d arrive and know where to stand
You know, where I’d fill a red cup with something domestic
and look edible
Not the kind where the walls are foreign, and so is my accent

Hmmm…
If I can't be distracted by a silhouette in club ivy
If I can't take an empty ferry back to Manly beach, and watch the sun rise over Bennelong Point
When the city extra sign runs out of power, and I unlearn how to live
When all I know how to be
is addicted to my memories
Oh man
Now I really hate you

summer's in another boy's eyes in Byron Bay
i can't tell what's then, and what's today

if i went back home, it’d mean nothing at all
i could say it’s the place, but i know that it’s not a skyline that breaks my beating heart
is this who i've been? or who i've become?

i’ll lie here on the grass til i turn cold
your laugh’s so sweet!
it (almost) saved my soul
but i still hear a voice in each cloud in the sky
"i'm alive, i'm alive, i'm alive"

if i left this town, nothing would change
another city gets dark, i’ll still be awake
if you called out my name,
would it keep me sane
if nothings the same?

i do everything i can to remember you.

when i listen to silence i think about yours
how you rarely said a word and
somebody like me could never understand

when i stood beneath the sydney harbor bridge and watched the sky explode into every color
i thought about you exactly one year earlier
i pictured you smiling at the southern stars
and i smiled to myself
smug
knowing i was the only girl to whom you'd told that story

the only girl you may have loved

when i'd hear skeggs on the radio during summer in gerroa
when i lifted my surf board over my head on seven mile beach
when i met another boy
also tall. also dark. also handsome.

i realized that i'd been searching for the best pieces of you in every new chapter of my life

i put on an old sundress i know you loved. i thought about the way you would look at me when i'd wear it.

i think about all of the things you would do to me if you saw me in my new sundress.

i let my mind wander to every undignified place as i struggle to focus on now.

on Right Now.

i do everything i can to remember you
so i don't hate myself for not knowing how to forget.

I told you once I was a poet
You asked me to paint you with my words

Words aren't enough for me to tell you how I feel
and besides
I only put my pen to the paper when my heart aches so terribly, I cannot speak them aloud

Here I seek refuge
Here I find peace

I could only write you a poem if my soul perished at your disposal
I could only write you a poem if you could make my tears stain the page

Some days I am so happy I don't even want to speak

What makes you think I can be an artist if I am not starved?

I could tell you that every time you kiss me I feel every string in my heart tighten and collapse
I could tell you that you make me feel like I am re-born
over and over again
and yet, I know that a piece of my soul has belonged to you since men could breathe

But I don't want to do that

You make me so happy that I couldn't diminish what you mean to me into a finite number of lines

If I am being truthful
Maybe I'm simply not a good enough poet to bring justice to describing the way you make me feel

Don't let the pages of my notebook turn wet as I romanticize how terribly you've hurt me

You're the first man who has ever made me feel so alive that the only thing I can do is live

So let's just live