I learned to spell my name at the kitchen table with wooden letters.
I was told not to leave until I got it right.
It was confusing at first.
So I stared at the letters.
L
I saw a letter I recognized and a smile grew across my face
I tried to sound out the rest the way I was taught
As I sat there the letters started to make sense
and my name started to form.
Suddenly I had all 5 letters
All 3 consonants
And both of the vowels.
My identity was born.

9 years go by like the shooting star I’ve been making my wishes on.
I’m standing in front of that same table.
In that same kitchen
But everything’s different now.
And I’m wishing I couldn’t hear them,
Screaming like they’ve lost their minds.
Roaring like thunder
Rain falls from my eyes and soaks my cheeks
As the storm that’s been waiting in the air for 13 years finally pours down.

3 years later I’m still picking up the pieces.
And I’m too naive to realize that they’ve been destroyed for too long
and I can’t put them back together.
But maybe if I stare long enough I’ll see something familiar.
Something I recognize.
Maybe if I look hard enough I’ll find myself again.
Maybe if I sound out the letters
F
A
M
I
L
Y

Maybe I can make it okay again.

As a little girl I used to get scared when the tide washed over my feet,
causing them to sink into the sand,
I thought the sand might consume all of me
So I would try to run,
But you can't run too fast in water,
It always seemed like it was impossible to get out.

Now that I've grown up I still get that feeling
the invisible water washes over me
***** me in,
makes escape impossible,
but this time I'm drowning,
barely able to get a breath out every now and then
water fills my lungs,
making it impossible to scream for help.

Even as I sit and laugh with my loved ones,
I feel it,
drowning me,
suffocating me,
I try to run,
but the sand consumes me.

Sleep relieved my brain from duty
The darkness clouded my mind
And then
In the world of my subconscious
A dream emerged
You...
Me...
We were joking around
Me flirting in a way that I'd never have the guts to
You smiling and laughing
Then we got close...
So close...
You kissed me in a way I've never been kissed before.
A way that sent shivers down my spine
I awoke and touched my fingers to my unkissed lips.
And reality struck me hard.

I've been pushing the pain away for too long
Into a tiny little pouch in the bottom of my heart
But now that pain has built up over the days.
My fake smile is fading away
I don't know how long I can hold this anymore
I feel the pouch is about to explode.
The pain threatens to seep out
Threatens to take me back to that place
The place that was so dark
I couldn't remember the light
The place that resembled the bottom of the ocean.
The pressure so strong it crushed my heart like a can
I feel the pouch ripping at the seams
and as I pray that the thread is strong enough
My sanity hangs in the balance

Time to get the bricks,
better pick up cement too.
Cancelling all my plans,
I've got a lot of work to do.

I'm rebuilding my walls today.
The ones around my heart.
Somehow you managed to break through the first time.
But this time I know what I'll do.
I'll reinforce them with steel.

I'll never have to love again.
I'll never be in pain.
And you can love her carelessly,
Please, no, don't worry about me.
I'm gonna be fine,
My wall will keep me safe.

I watch you.
Watch you break.
Crumble.
I watch her toy with your heart
My heart aches for you and yours for her.
But still I love you.

I give you all I have.
All the energy in my heart.
All the love I can contain.
I give it to you.

Although you say you do not bound me.
You don't realize you do.
I feel the chains tighten when I try to be free.
It's not your fault.
My heart will not let go.

Even when I hold you when you cry for her.
Even when I know you do not love me.
Even when this weak, damaged heart is giving all it can give.
It will not let go.

"No! I won't listen! I don't care anymore!"
Tell me you love me, make it all go away...
"Don't touch me!"
Please hold me
"I hate you!"
I love you
"Go. Away."
Don't ever leave my side.
"Who cares?!"
Me
"Who needs you?! Good riddance."
No! Please! Don't leave! She didn't mean it!
"Yes I did now shut up you little idiot.
Sit back relax and let me take care of this."
You're chasing him away...
"Who needs that lame!
All he ever brings us is pain!
He'll never love us!"
You're wrong...
"Would you listen to yourself?
Defending him.
Who  picked up the pieces of you left on the floor?
You know, the ones he left when he walked right out the door.
And oh how you cried!
Newsflash sweetheart!
He's the problem here not me.
And he doesn't give a ****!
You can cry. You can yell.
But will he listen? Of course not.
So he can go straight to hell!
Return from where he came.
So stop your whining and pining.
You're so pitiful sometimes."
**Silence falls upon my body finally.