I put on my favorite song,
the one that makes the world spin.
The volume goes up, and my heart rate goes down.



My drug of choice courses through my body.

Take, take, take my heart,
take it while I scream.
Scarily, scarily, scarily, scarily,
Love's a heartless fiend.

The ghost of your hand rests on my skin,
Raising bumps on my flesh while I'm perfectly warm.
The echo of your words continuously whispered into my ears,
My heart skips a beat at the sound of your voice.

You're not here, but you are.

We talk of the mornings in the sheets,
Daylight streaming through the window,
Tired eyes blinking,
Sleepy smiles saying, "Good morning."

That is the past, but it's not.

"Do you remember? I do."
I wish I could forget, memories lead us back to each other.
I wish I could forget, but, then again, no.
For I would hold you again, happily.

We are not "us", but we are.

The butterflies in my stomach
are nothing more than dust,
decayed wings
crumbled to oblivion.
Once caterpillars, fed on smiles,
caresses, laughs, and
the stars in your eyes,
they grew until they blossomed.
They wrapped themselves up
in the warmth of hope and the
promise of the sparkling future
you whispered to them.
Out burst their brilliant wings,
colored and magnificent,
fearlessly beating and tickling
my insides, making me blush.
Oh, how they fluttered and danced
in my cavernous torso,
almost flying out of my mouth
to kiss your cheeks with their wings.
Imagine their surprise when you left,
their wings slowed, they landed, slept,
quietly waiting your return,
but you never came to wake them again.
Skeletons of beauty and joy,
they lie at the pit of my stomach,
their weight is so light,
yet miserably heavy.

I stood, smoke twirling around my fingers,
Cheeks tingling from the cold,
Eyes turned upward, toward the magnificent and bold.

Ice was melting off the branches,
Dripping onto my face, shoulders, hands.
The trees were crying, and time slipped away like sand.

The lamp post glowed and my cigarette burned,
The sound of cracking ice and water droplets echoed in my ears,
I stood there listening as I was baptized in cold tears.

I hadn't cried in what seemed like ages,
And tonight I believed the trees were weeping for me.
Thawing from their icy burden, it felt like an apology.

Sorry that you like how the cold makes you feel numb.
Sorry your sleep is haunted by things that were and have ended.
Sorry you are at war with your heart which you left undefended.

I silently nodded, thankful for their sympathy,
Flicking my cigarette I walked away from the dripping sorrow,
Hopefully like the ice on those branches, my worries will be gone tomorrow.

As I take another drag, I realize
just how stupid these things are.
Cigarettes: toxins you can buy.
Add fire and you have a death stick.
When I was little I swore I'd never smoke.
It's stupid.
It smells.
It can **** you.
It can hurt the people close to you.
Sounds like a lot of other things people do.
We do stupid things,
we **** ourselves slowly, other times instantly,
we hurt the people closest to us.
But we keep doing these things,
warnings don't phase the narcissistic and
oblivious human species.
We voluntarily choose bad habits
that are disguised as social interactions.
So while you voluntarily throw my heart around,
wavering in your affections and intentions,
I'll stand here, voluntarily killing my lungs.
At least I'm the one doing the damage.

though my dreams are haunted
and my every step daunted,
i still am

though your memory brings me pain
making me cry out in vain,
i still am

though you're no longer mine
and my sun has no shine,
i still am

though my nights are cold
without your warmth to hold,
i still am

though my heart feels frozen
because it's not me you've chosen,
i still am

though daylight seems dark
and my eyes lost their spark,
i still am

though i want to give in
et je pense que c'est la fin,
i still am

i am
            i am
                     i am

and i believe that is enough
though every day is tough,
i am, i am, i am
and i always will be