The old blue box filled to the brim
With bandages, Advil, and what my dad used to call "magic healing lotion"
So that we would feel special when putting it on
After falling down
From the monkey bars on the playground across the street
Or that first time I fell off of my bike

Now my pain is more than skin deep
Not a simple dab of magic healing lotion and a Spider-Man bandaid
Will help stop the blood dripping from my wrists

The old blue box filled to the brim
With bandages, Advil, and what my dad used to call "magic healing lotion"
Now sits on the top shelf of the closet
Collecting dust

Your arms and legs are the sky
Full of formations of stars
That used to be clear
When the sun used to shine

But with darkness comes night
And with night comes being alone
Cringing at the sound of silence
So many questions
Now imperfect visions
Of what used to be constellations
Blurred through the telescope

The clocks are backwards turning
Stomach uncomfortably churning
Although it's concerning
That your heart is burning
Those pills mean no returning
From where you're leaning towards going

You can't go down there

Down in the ground
When your body was found  
You seemed to have drowned

The thought of it sends you away
Mind now spinning
Like the Milky Way's silky waves
Swirling in a circle down the drain
The color of crimson red
Or down the toilet
Like your last meal

All you have left
Is the darkness
From your fingertips to your toes
And those dark constellations
Sweeping across your arms and legs
Like the night sky

The panic rises
Your secrets piled up like old books on a shelf
Untouched by anyone
Except for you

Your mouth feels funny
Hands trembling
You try to brush your teeth

You look in the mirror
Staring back at the girl
Dark circles under her eyes
Hair going every which way
Shirt so long
It could be a dress
Is this really what it has come to?

I've spent the past months
In and out of different abbreviations PHP
I'm getting there, halfway at least IOP
all because of my scars SIB
my thoughts SI
my patterns OCD
my creativity EDB
If these cause you confusion
You're in luck
You're not crazy Code White
For I know all the codes in the book
And look where I am now *Code Green

Love is not a drug
Because that would imply that
Love is a bad thing

I do not believe in love at first sight
for humans have the ability to wear a mask

However

I do believe in love at third sight (if that is something)
because that is how many times it takes to remove you mask

You waved the tool in my face
Causing a switch to go off in my brain
My thoughts distorted
My body springing to action
Trying to make you stop
What you had already done

The new raised lines on your upper arm
Caused by simple office supplies
Wouldn't have happened
If I hadn't left you for just a second
For the moment my back was turned
You were half past gone and a mile away from better

Both of are breathless
The shiny twisted piece of metal
Somewhere on the floor

Sitting across from each other
Your shoulders shook against mine
My tears burned into your shirt
And were mopped up with your brown hair

I spoke through choked sobs
As hurt memories flashed through my brain
Like the trailers of movies
Showing only a quick remembrance
Of my past
That leaked into your present

But you feel as though your present is not a gift
For you're falling down the rabbit hole
Not to Wonderland
But to the land of pills and hospital beds
Where it is not wonderful in any shape or form

Your scars can still heal
If you stopped retracing the red lines you've made
And realized
You are something
I care about you
And so do others
So if you won't try for yourself
Try for them
Try for *me

With a simple glance at the monster
Icy chills are sent down my spine
And my mind goes back to the eleven-year-old mind I once had
Hurt and confused
By the words that pour out of the monster's mouth
Each one causing a permanent scar on my body
That not even all of the therapists I've been through can fix

The only thing I can't figure out
Is why
Not why it said all of the awful things it did
But why I believed them

I allowed myself to believe anything that came from the monster's mouth
Like a child believes their parents
About Santa Claus
Or the tooth fairy

And just like that child
I grew out of the monster's lies

I have a purpose
I keep trying to tell myself
Now believing a whole new sort of lie
For the monster's lies
are now my truth

The girl curled up in her chair
Scribbling away in her purple notebook
3/4 of the paper filled
Scars deeper than I though possible
Neatly lined up her arm

The youngest kid
Destined for paleontology
Sits in the back playing solitaire and fusball
His reading of being here
Completely unknown

Her high bun in her blonde hair
Match perfectly
With her soft-spoken tone
A complete shock
To learn of her purging past

The average girl
Moved here from New Jersey
Her foot tapping anxiously
Due to her parents misunderstandings
And from all of the Tylenol she swallowed

Her hand aimlessly writes
Pages and pages written
To her boyfriend of who-knows-how-long
Who supports her
And does t care about the scars

She sleeps all day
Except for when the therapists torment her
Trying anything
To get her to eat
Or even say a single word

The oldest one here
To everyone, her happiness seems more than just a bluff
But she's here for a reason
Clearly, her rocket scientist dream
Hasn't worked out yet

He was out in two days
His feelings more if a passing thought
For his puns
And love for horror
Prove his happiness

I sit and listen, alone
My suicidal-ness a shock to most
Still misunderstood
I can't wrap my head around it
I just.
Want.
Out.

Do I break secrecy
Or keep confidentiality?

One means losing a friend
So does the other

He could be gone
By a simple phone call
Driven miles away
To who knows where

He could disappear
By the flick of a knife
Into a small casket
Underneath the ground

Drink one
My eyes grow heavy
I sit in a fold out chair
In the corner of the living room

Drink two
I zone out
To the sound of the rest of my family getting riled up about who knows what
I want to join in
But then again
I don't

Drink three
Things start to get fuzzy
My words slur
I decide to join in after all

Drink four
It's probably a bad idea
To say whatever comes to mind
Laying on the bathroom floor

Drink five
This was supposed to be fun
Not a nightmare
My sister cries into my cousin's arms
As I laugh to myself

*Blackout

"How can someone love you
If you don't love yourself?"
The words of therapists trying to help
Won't go away

They're right
I'd been thinking about it all wrong the whole time
There's
         Nothing
                     To love*
They didn't want me to be happy
They just wanted to put me out of my misery

Everyone could love you
But you wouldn't care
You don't love yourself

They could think you were beautiful
But it doesn't matter
To you, the scars say something else

They could think you were happy
But they'd be wrong
They can't see past your practiced smile

They can't see inside you
Where everything is dark
*And the disease controls your every move

I know you'd be happier
Without all of the struggles
I've brought along
But without you
Where would I be now?

You've made me laugh
Hell, you've even made me cry
I guess opposites attract
And we're too similar
For you to think of me
Any other way
Than you do already

I'm happy
I truly am
The sky more blue
The grass more green
The only thing
That could make me happier
Is *you

She couldn't remember the last time the sky was blue
And the grass was green

Her agonizing screams
Left unheard
All because you were at fault
For the scars under her sleeves
And the blood going down the drain

She longed for the blade to take her to the other side with
One
Swift
Slice

She tied the rope
Took the pills
Sharpened the knife

Yet still
No one noticed

Where is she now?

Still hanging
Just waiting
For someone to care
Just enough to bring her out of her darkness

The disease engulfed her brain
with black ribbons and restraints

She tried to break free
but she was tired of the chains

Her body drained all hope
until she saw a special face

It set her free and she flew away
without leaving a trace

The days that are the worst
Are when I feel nothing at all
Not exactly low
Just numb

That's what depression does to you
A cancerous numbing
Slowly spreading
Until your whole brain goes cold

Trying any remedy
To feel something again
But it's too late
I've already lost all feeling

I'm no longer living a life
I'm just simply existing

Different colors in the giant race
The first to finish?
The one with the palest face

He won with pride through tricks and schemes
The people continued to hate him
So he just pretended to be on their team

Patriarchy is only for the toughest
Yet it seems like survival of the fittest
Is only amongst the dumbest

We all walk in dead men's shoes
Single file, chains on shoulders,
In uniforms colored red, white, and blue

How can you be so happy by making other live in despair?
That's my question for you, Uncle Sam
Why must you be so unfair?

When you tell me
You don't want help
I get scared

I don't know how much longer
You have
Before it's too late

I want so desperately
For you to get the help
You truly need

Because the less you say you need help
The more you really need it

Trust me
I know
And I will do what it takes to keep you safe

Even if that means losing you as a friend

Because not being your friend to keep you alive
Is better than wishing I could have helped
From beside your grave

The smell of burnt goodbyes
and strawberries
surrounded her

Battle scars displayed
down her arms
up her legs
across her hips

The smile on her face
didn't match
the blue in her eyes
and the red on her skin

She had lost the war
Her mind turned purple
and it all went black

My thoughts about you are like police sirens underwater-
loud but blurred

I guess what I'm trying to say is
Your face doesn't leave my mind
For even a second
The way your hands would trace my spine
Still gives me chills

Even though we are not together
You haven't left
You're the piece of the puzzle I lost
From the once completed puzzle that took me years to complete

When your heart stops, your brain still works for seven minutes
Seven minutes to still feel pain.

Then why is it that when your heart breaks, your brain continues to play the memories of us over and over?
An eternity to feel the pain.

I found something
I wasn't looking for it though

They were hidden carelessly
Next to your lighters and your getaway high

Why did you keep them?
What purpose do they serve you?

I counted them carefully
Nine, one less than whe you took them from me

I took one, and closed the drawer
What's one more going to hurt?

I promise I'll stop
Starting tomorrow

Mi sonrisa
Brilla como sombras negras

Mi imaginación
Viral como mariposas en el jardín

Tengo alas andrajosos
Y un mente colorido

Pero lo oculto mis ideas

Con pulpas grises
Y una sonrisa falsa
Mi alma azul
Se desvanece
Con la navaja

Another cut
Another tear
Another dosage increase

My life seems to be going in the same cycle
Over and over
I'd do anything to break free

Free from the medication
From the scars
From the hopelessness

Yet when you feel worthless
There really is no point
So I come to realize
*I'm stuck here in the dark forever

One day when you're lost
And you do not want to live
Just remember me

The motherly figure
Locked away in fumes
Smelling of skunk
The green smoke taking her away
To anywhere but here

The man of the house
Glass after glass
Of wine
*****
Beer
Even Listerine
If that is what it took
To get even a slight buzz

I sit alone
Adding another mark to the tally
Behind the mirror
Only a few more
Before it is accepted
For my life to end

The youngest
Unaware of all of the despair
In her family
The only one
Who truly smiles
In our family portrait

The days that are the worst
Are when I feel nothing at all
Not exactly low
Just numb

That's what depression does to you
A cancerous numbing
Slowly spreading
Until your whole brain goes cold

Trying any remedy
To feel something again
But it's too late
I've already lost all feeling

I'm no longer living a life
I'm just simply existing

At my darkest hour
My clock goes so slow
The hands seem to be going backwards
Slowly unwinding
Mood declining
My blade the only thing supplying
Relief against the hurt that keeps finding me
On my one way path
Down
   Down
      Down
Deeper and deeper
The pain that's more than just skin deep

"I just don't care anymore"
The words ring in my head
Like a scratched tape

She doesn't care
That she's hurting the ones she loves
Every time she touches the metal to her skin

I think I get through to her
But the next day,
All progress is lost

I don't know what hasn't been said
What details she's strategically left out
But I won't give up

I refuse to let her become like me
Pink scars across her skin
With no way to be completely put back together

I can't let her keep spiraling down
Getting closer and closer to rock bottom
Hitting down hard right next to me

I *know she can do it
She just has to want to get better
But what if when that time comes

*It's already too late?

We got close.
I liked you.

I told you my story.
I liked you more.

You told me your story.
I loved you.

You got a girlfriend.
You loved her.

I became more depressed.
I smiled for you.

You made me promise.
I promised.

You're just another person I will promise to get better for.
But that really just means that I'll hide it better next time.

I keep trying to wash away
The pain from my skin
But no matter how hard I scrub
The scars are still there

You were rudely awoken from your dreams of happiness
Like a reoccurring nightmare
That never seems to end

No matter how many diagnoses are made
Pills you take
And fake smiles you show
You can never wake up

It's like an addiction
Anything you can get your hands on
Anything you can do
You'll always find away
To sneak into the dark once again

You whisper the words
That your life revolves around
Between forced gags
And broken tears
"You should be better"

The only thing I feel nowadays
Is empty
The last butterfly in my stomach
Flew away
Or died
Either way they're gone
I no longer feel
The blade going across my arms

The sharp pain
Followed by a burning sensation
I guess 'empty' is better than
Depressed
Suicidal
Hopeless
Alone
Worthless
Tired
And scared
But it sure as hell Isn't better than
Happy

It's ironic
How beautiful it is
The way it flows in a thin line
Drops of pain and sorrow
That puddle up on your bathroom floor
Drained
No longer a part of you
You start to think
*"Maybe if enough is lost
The pain will go away."

You stared back at me
Smiling
No care in the world
So naive of how ugly you'd become
Unaware of how your life would change
In a matter of just a few years

Your free time consumed of
Hospitals
Blades
Hatred
And sorrow
All combined into one pill
That you take every morning

I'm trying you promise
But I know you just want it all to end
You've become accustomed to being unhappy
Your picture of beauty is not what you see in the mirror
All because of things said to you
Drilled into your brain
Like little nails holding your thoughts together

You spend you nights hurting
Yet you can't cry anymore
You've cried enough tears for two lifetimes
But it never seemed like enough

You'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Because at least that means you're still alive

You're heart's still pumping
Lungs still breathing
Feet still taking steps
Closer and closer to the edge of reality
Losing you sanity
And faith in humanity
Your head spinning in circles
Making you feel so dizzy
That you pulled the trigger

Lowered ten feet under
Into the dirt you barely walked on
So young at heart
But your soul aged too fast

I still hear your voice
I still smell your perfume
I hear your laugh across the room
And so I run to it
Only to find
Nothing

Every year that goes by
I forget more and more about you
Trying to grasp your tiny chubby fingers
So that I don't lose myself
The way I lost you

But just like that
I'm in the same place as you
And you know that means
*I'll never be back

I have failed
Yet again
Although this probably isn't a surprise
Another thin red line up my thigh
Each one having less of an importance to me

A scream or cry to be happy
Why me? I ask
To anyone who listens
But I don't want an answer
I don't want your sympathy

I can't let you care
You have problems of your own
Taking up my problems too,
Well that would just be too heavy of a load

For someone who is struggling with them self,
How can they love anybody else?
My hate within is only for me
I'm the only one who deserves to be unhappy.

Why do I always fall in love
With the one who is taken
Or who hates me
Or who doesn't even know I exist?

Love is a puzzle, that I have yet to figure out.

It feels selfish to say
But I wish you would pick me
But my gut tells me you won't

I don't tell you this
I couldn't if I tried
Because I want you to be happy

And you're happy with her
So that's okay
I'm used to the sadness

I don't write this to make you feel guilty
I don't write this because I'm jealous
I write this because I care about you

Bracelets on her wrist
             are an unspoken sign
                          she's at it again

I love you
I know I do
But I can't feel it
The numbness has reached my heart
No matter how hard I try
No feelings break free
They're lost somewhere
In the darkness

I don't know how else to put it
I don't have words to explain
It's just these chemical imbalances
I hope you'll understand
I love you
I really do
I just can't always find it

Her blank canvas
Empty, but promising
To become something good

But her masterpiece took an evil turn

She used only one tool
Strokes of only deep reds
Letting the paint drop to the floor
Where it would then stain

She hid her canvas
Until the deep reds had faded to pinks and purples

Then she unveiled it to the world

It wasn't a masterpiece.
It wasn't a piece of art.
It wasn't beautiful.

It was ugly.
It was disgusting.
It was horrific.

No one liked it.
Except for her.
So she decided to continue filling the canvas

This time experimenting
Different tools
Yet still the only color she used was red

She went days
Weeks
Months
Years
Adding to her canvas
Until one day

She couldn't

Her canvas no longer meant anything to her

So instead, she burned it

When you've reached the point
Where you can't even cry
And you don't feel anything anymore

It's more frightening
Than the most sorrowful of sorrows
Because it means you've given up

As I sit here hopelessly
I hope
You will find me
Past the river
By the sea
Come meet me here
We'll sit and dream

We used to look up at the sky
And watch the clouds
Drift on by
The sun would set and we'd see the moon
I knew you'd leave me soon

I see the mountain shout for your love
You're the one I'm thinking of

The moment went by so fast
I wish we had made them last
I just feel so far away
I only wanted you to stay

We sat around counting the stars
Just like them
We flew so far
As I sit here hopelessly
I hope you will find me

*I see the mountain shout for your love
You're the one I'm thinking of

I close my door
Reach for my blade
And begin the routine motions
That now feel meaningless
Like my black and white past

I still look for silly reasons
Any excuse
To justify my actions

Just to get a quick feeling
Of anything at all
Even if that means it will hurt
Because if I'm numb for much longer
I might just...

I feel
        Free
                Elated
                          Happy

For the first time in
                                Days
                                         Months
                                                     Years

And I think I like it enough to stay that way

What has made me feel this way?

I do not know

Probably all of the pills

But it doesn't matter because

I'm happy

At my darkest hour
My clock goes so slow
The hands seem to be going backwards
Slowly unwinding
Mood declining
My blade the only thing supplying
Relief against the hurt that keeps finding me
On my one way path
Down
   Down
      Down
Deeper and deeper
The pain that's more than just skin deep

Just smile and say
"No really, I am ok"
Underneath, you cry

That last piece of cake
The one that everyone wants
You could have gotten a piece before it was all gone
But you waited until the last second
And then it vanished

They all wanted that piece
They wanted to save it
But someone rudely took it away
Just like that

Then, a new cake was made
Fresh with perfection
And that last piece of cake was forgotten

*Just like I was