I felt him lie down next to me
Half woke up as he wrapped his arm around me
And snuggled my head into his shoulder
And as I drifted back to sleep I thought
"This is the happiest place in the world."

"You could have anyone,"
They said,
"You're funny and beautiful and ****,
You could have anyone you want,"
They said.

(Anyone but the one I want.)

And my soul wants him,
Needs him, yearns for him,
Battering away inside me,
An endless hunger,
Insatiable and aching.

He could have me,
Body, mind and soul,
But he's afraid to fail me
While I'm afraid to go too long
Without hearing his voice.

"Start seeing people,"
They said.
"You could meet someone, have fun.
You don't want to be alone,"
They said.

But alone is without him,
Alone is the emptiness,
That feeling that I'm missing,
When I want to say "I love you"
And he isn't there to hear it.

"Anyone,"
They said.
But not THE one.
The one I want.
I could have anyone, but him.

“Don’t tell me how to love,” you said.
“Arrogant child, what do you know?
You’ve done nothing,
Seen nothing,
You know nothing.
Do not presume to teach me.”

You forget, father of mine.
You forget what you’ve done to me,
What you have  unintentionally taught me.
You forget that you have dragged me through a lifetime’s worth
Of hurt,
Betrayal,
Hatred.

Accidentally,
You taught me
Strength,
Joy,
Beauty.

You taught me to let go
Of bitterness,
Sorrow,
Anger.

You taught me Love.
I know what it is.
I searched for it my whole life.
You call me a child, but if a life is measured in pain, I’m an old lady,
Much older than you.

You say I am arrogant.
But you, you are arrogant.
You believe I have nothing to teach you,
But you are wrong.
Everything you never meant to teach me,
I could teach you.

But you won’t listen.

I keep hoping that he will choose me.
But then I think about it and I know he won't.
After all, why would he?
There isn't a world where guys like him
Choose girls like me.
Girls like me,
We don't get to be happy.
We get to watch,
While the people we love are happy
With someone else.

To my firstborn:

I see myself in you;
In your never-ending quest for knowledge,
In your unquenchable thirst to understand the why of everything.
I see your need for affection,
And I see your longing for a father.

I fear for you.
I fear that you will follow in my footsteps,
Make the mistakes that I did,
Fall into the arms of the wrong men
In your confusion and hurt surrounding your absent father.

But I promise you this:
I will not let you go into the world unprepared.
I will let you make your own choices.
I hope you will make mistakes,
Little ones and big ones,
While you are still young,
While I am still here to help you up.

I hope that you will stay soft,
And not let the world harden you.
Because the world, my sweet princess,
Is a hard place.
It will knock you down,
And kick you while your down.
Stay innocent, my sweet girl, and stay soft.

To my baby:

I wonder who you will become,
As I watch the first buds of your personality
Flowering in front of me.
Already I see your tenacity,
Your resourcefulness,
The the determination that drives everything you do.

Already I see your curiosity,
Your wonderment and joy at every new thing.
And I fear for you, too, my baby girl,
Because soon enough you will miss your father.
You will start to understand that someone who should be there, isn't.

You will start to discover that tenacity and determination
Do not always make for success.
You will fail, and you will be discouraged.
I hope that you will never lose that drive.
I hope that every failure makes your determination that much stronger.

To both of you:

I hope that you will never forget
That you are beautiful, amazing, strong creatures,
Capable of more than you will ever know.
I hope that you will always make your own choices,
Be confident in yourselves.
I hope that you both become women
Who know what you want, and will stop at nothing to achieve it.
I hope that you will let no one, man or woman,
Negatively impact your opinions of yourselves.

And I hope that you will never forget
That I love you with every breath that I have.

When I was a little girl
My father used to sing this song to me.
It was a made up song
(He used to sing songs for everything).

It went something like
"I love you forever and always,
Even when you're mad to me."

I said that when I was little,
"Mad to me."
My father thought it was funny.

When I was older he said things like
"No matter what you do,
I'll always love you,
Cuz you're my Lizzie Rabbit."

He had this other song,
He sang to me at bedtime.
"Oh Elizabeth, Elizabeth,
My pride and joy.
If I didn't have Elizabeth
I might have had a boy.
But I have my sweet Lilly,
She's sweet and she's silly,
Yes she's the girl for me,
And I never saw a baby
Quite like little Elizabeth Lilli...
Ann."

I don't know how I remember all the words...
Yes I do, because I've been dying
To hear him sing it to me again.

Because I got older,
And I started ******* up.
And then I learned,
There are things I can do
That fall outside the bounds of
"No matter what you do."

Things I can do that make me
NOT his pride and joy.
Things that probably make him wish
I had been a boy.
Things that probably make him glad
There were no other babies quite like
Little Elizabeth Lilli...
Ann.

But what he doesn't understand is,
I love him forever and always.
Even when he's mad to me.

For weeks the words
Had been bursting out of my heart,
Crawling up my throat and trying
To wiggle their way past my teeth
And for weeks I swallowed them,
Pushing them back into my over-full heart,
Trying to hold them there.

It wasn't time yet, too soon,
I told myself over and over,
Though every time I looked at him
Or he smiled at me or kissed me
Or sent me a "good morning baby"
Or did anything really
I thought my heart would just stop
If I couldn't tell him soon.

Once they got out, escaped in a gasp
But through the breathing and moans
And my face in the pillow he didn't hear it
I was startled and relieved and upset at the same time
And then he started to notice there was something I was trying
And trying not to say and he started nudging, gently
But I said no, I can't tell you, not yet,
And for a few days he stopped asking.

And then one night in his bed,
Dark in the room except the TV
Casting flickering lights and shadows over us
His arms around me and his face above me,
Kissing me as he moved slowly on top of me,
He held my face in his hand and looked straight into my eyes and said
"What is it, baby?"
And out it came, I couldn't hold it back anymore,
"I love you," I said.

Suddenly I was shaking, terrified and elated,
And then as a few moments passed and he didn't say anything
I wanted to cry, to be invisible, to take back the words
And hold them safe inside me again
And then his lips brushed across my ear and he whispered
"I love you too honey"
And there, right there, in that moment,
Was happiness.