She needed to make noise with him
Dance her fingers across aged skin and ivory keys
Run her hands along strings pulled tighter than life over bones and muscles that quake and writhe together
She needed to feel something with her
Heat that burned the scar on the back of her hand and cold that made her chest blister more than the sun could dream
She wanted music with anyone
The melodic fantasy of emotion as its sung by those who've known it freshly chosen and those who've had it ripened over expanses of time

She had unrealistic expectations

She can't close her eyes anymore
Years of red-blooded memories have left her mind
In the darkroom full of her undeveloped thoughts
And feelings and hurt that she failed to disband
Like the final notes of that song; the one that every
Time it plays her skin burns where the
Acid of so many stung her before;
Wasps relentlessly buzzing and beating;
Vibes with the rhythm of her favorite things and
A bass that makes her heart clench and her vision cloud
And her toes curl into the arches of her feet
The arches of her back - broken in the dimly lit
Darkrooms, because one could not possibly
Contain it all- all of everything, everyone, everywhere;
Even when they're gone, they're still there;
Behind closed walls - eyelids - fluttering
like her heart and
Her head, or her bed which has yet to have
A tired soul to comfort;
There will always be something else to comfort her
There will always be something to draw her away from rest
There will never be quiet
There may never be an end
She will never be over

I am aching for contact
Waiting with breath so baited that I hope anythone will come to find me, just so they can sink their teeth into my neck, my neck that still feels hot to
The touches you gave me long ago
Which left me so vulnerable, the monsters of my nightmares came to haunt me
They are like you
They care not for my pain, but love the sight of my blood
They love it when I scream, when my heart pounds nearly out of my chest
They love it when I fall, especially when I can't get back up
You loved it when you stunned me,  they share the rush I gave you
But you were different for me
I loved the ache you made me feel, I loved the way
You could steal everything from me and I would
Have thanked you
I loved your body close to mine and the devilish conversations we exchanged
The monsters were bad dreams
Loving you was my worst nightmare

Grant me the pleasures
Indulge me with fantasies
The reality is acknowledged by me
Believe me, I understand what you need
I know, just the same, what I want
I want to leave
I want to leave you with your awful lips and
Confused hands
I want to be with someone who loves me
Fiercely and passionately
With someone who lights a fire
Inside my body
And demands I stoke it
So it burns furiously for both of us
I care for you
You
The one who has supported me for long
Stretches of time
But my desires lay with another
Someone who feeds my indulgences
Who disbands reality;
My love

She was threatened into a stiff silence
Stiff for his hand on her throat and the knife
In her back
Which he pressed her into time and time again
Whispering into her that 'pain and love are equals
And beauty is a byproduct of anti-societal laws'
His anarchy was fed by submission
As if she had a choice with the
Pistol at her head and the sweet,
Honeysuckle words he traced along her body
She was threatened by someone who knew
Her way too well; or moreover -
Knew the she way she was, and loved her for it;
Inflicting pain because he needed to
Because her No's were lost in hours of moans
Had she not been gagged
She would have cried for help
But crying had no way of helping her
When he came around

I find myself staring at
The distorted image I see of
A beautiful woman
Curved hips, high cheek bones,
Naturally pursed lips; lips that demand kisses
Eyes that tease and twist and turn
Into dark pupils that hide secrets;
Ones begging to
Be set free, if discovered by the right person
Collar bones that jut out, but not enough to make her
As thin as she desires,
Enough to suggest she forced her body to be thinner
Thin like her waist which flares in abruptly
Her back arches and tenses with simple, flowing
Movements
As if everyday life is a game of foreplay
I know her life must be godlike,
Her ******* are adequate, finely and fully
Proportioned
Legs that are strong, legs that are muscle,
Legs she is very obviously uncomfortable with
Calves that crease definitely
Coupled with the feet of a dancer
Her eyes naturally squint;
Although she is young, the creases in her
Eyes are apparent
Whether from tears or laughs I cannot tell
She is beautiful
And she refuses to see how enticing that is

Hit me
Hard
And fast
Follow through, I'm counting on this
I need a bruise; a bruise from you; a bruise that will
Penetrate deep into my body
Into my muscles that lack real feeling
I need a bruise that hurts
And then more and more
Until my skin is nothing more
Than a manifestation of the pain I feel in my chest
Because that pain isn't real, it's empty
Inside the echoing cavity of my chest
Slice me open and you'll see the place
My heart was, years ago, before my love stole it
Now I'm left with my hollowness
Coupled with a wish that he could love me
The way I had loved him
Now I'm left with replacements
So, replacement, do you think you can do for me
What I need you to?
Have your way,
Just be sure to hurt me

Drown me in your water
Shove my face in your general direction
Being near to you is the kind of asphyxiation
I could live with as I'm crashing
Into the bottom of your seas
And undulating with the waves you make
For me, just for me.
The ocean and I will be one when it fills my lungs
And you put all of your weight on me
To make sure I'm totally submersed
In the water that you made because apparently
You know what I need better than I know myself
Even if that means I'm left with a single
Bubble of air
A drop of hope in a sea of dominance
A molecule of fuel for a fire that could never
Have been contained under the water that you gave
To me, just to me.
A single piece of myself left there until discovered
By you
So you reach into me and fish it out
Leaving me with nothing
Nothing, but myself as a part of you

The skies were just as open
As her mind was to the idea
That beauty is found in all things good
She was bad and the sky was closed
Same as the gate to the airplane she missed
Her last ride to anything worthwhile
So the solace she found was on the tracks
Of the subway
Laying still and quiet
The beautiful thing being her blood
On the front of the train
And her forever closed mind splattered
Open across the windows
The beautiful thing being the kid
Who saw the smile before it happened
Who saw the hurt behind the smile
Who was obsessed with the relief when
It
Finally
Happened
Who found his own relief twelve years later
On the same tracks
Under the same closed sky

Whisper her name into my ears
Show me just how close your body was to hers
Can you touch me like the doll her counsellor gave to her?
I'm begging for a taste of what your lover got
On Hands and knees was how you took her
As if I wouldn't feel the change
Smelling the euphoria of someone else on your skin
Your skin was my skin
I lived in you while you moved in me
Good god an angel swept us from each other
Because God isn't good
He didn't want love to outshine the stars
Love is the same let down for adults
As a child learning that star is a ginormous dead rock
I'm the rock and you're the sun
Threatening to burn me into oblivion
Make me molten like you
Turn me into fire the same way you did her

Call me when it's over
When you've crashed into pieces
When the irises of my eyes shatter like the broken bits of your body
Don't let go so easy when you know why I need you
And I can swear you drove yourself with intent
My lungs were the only thing screaming
For you to stop
Not even your breaks told you no I just want you to
Beat fists against my ribs and
Bruise me like you did before
My bones are still broken in the sweetest ******* way
You know I like the way you make me hurt
Tear the skin off my legs and call me out for my
Insecurity
Do it before you go
Because once your gone the only reverb will be from my renewed recovery