And to think
I thought of times
where compromise
confined us

The beauty
in your mind
that opened mine
revives my purpose

I, Lou Paloma, do hereby request that the following items be given to their rightful owners

To my dearest mother-
I leave you my promises
The ones tucked gently under my pillow
Unblemished
Those dreams I never mentioned
Keep them safe
Make sure no one ever knows I cared

I leave you a brother more adequate of your affection
More worthy of your testimony
Do not mourn me wild woman
I am leaving you with nothing
Soon, I will be nothing to you too

To Billy-
I leave you my body
Take me
This spoiled temple
And discard me like the heathens do
Transform me into nothing more than the dust that I deserve to be
Forget the rules you always follow
Forget about me brother
Burn me at the stake
And don't let the smoke settle

I leave you my wife
Take her
And see her as whole again
Pick up the pieces I left in the kitchen
On the living room carpet
Scattered across the tree lawn
And give them back to her
Like the pieces of jigsaw from Christmas morning
Watch her place each piece more confident than the last
Enjoy every move she makes- It will make you whole too

To Irene-
I leave you my house
The one I couldn't pay for
The home you never adopted
Make it your own
Treat it like you did me
Take those tender hands
Outline each crevice my fist created
Patch the holes when it starts to crumble
It will crumble soon

Oh Sweet Irene
I leave you my dignity
Set it like spare change on the nightstand
Knock it under the bed when the time comes
I leave you those scars
From the first time
And the last time
And every other time therein
I leave you with vows never honored
I leave you here without me
I will leave you alone now
Like you always wanted it to be

Juxtapose
that monotone heart
with my sanity
and watch my brain melt
the fragments of doubt
you tried calling love

People tell me I overthink things
It has never been about mountains or molehills
I always see land big enough for shelter
I do not need reasons
This is what worries me

I am the best at sort of
I think I know
Then I know I know
Then I see you in public and you're laughing
And I can't tell if you're laughing at me
Or just laughing
I'm not laughing because I don't know what you're laughing about
So I smile
Not because I want to
But because I think you want me to
Hope that your giggle is the drawbridge to a conversation I've been dying to have
But you walk by
Barely nod your head and say hi
And suddenly I don't know anymore
But I think everyone else knows
I wonder if you know
And I sure hope not
I've been trying to tell you myself
So I turn back
I swear in my head this was easier
The words just a quick skip down the walkway away
But I stand here
Discussing with myself the things I know I could have done better
But definitely shouldn't have done better
Because the possibilities of better bring thoughts of the worst that I've never envisioned
So I sit down on the pavement
Each passerby shouts another reason why maybe next time won't be like this
But I most certainly will be like this

It shouldn't be this hard to climb mountains
To lose my breathe as I look out at the landscape
I just want to see you
Shout your name at the highest peak
And watch the echos vibrate off my chest
Hope that you shout back
This is what worries me most
What I need
Is the courage to say exactly what I intend
Believe I already own this certainty
Live within the in between