I'm Sorry

The truth
It will destroy you
An August day
While you sweep up rose petals
On our Sun drenched porch
You look at me from under heavy lashes
And say it's ok
You don't wish to be without me
It's ok your always want me
Your never stop

I'll bask in this glory
Thanking God for you loving me
As tears ***** the back of my eyes

The hand around my heart squeezes a little tighter
Until I am breathless with it

In time
There is a difference to us
Making love is no longer rushed
After
I look at you, looking down at me
But neither of us say it's pointless
Your days a little darker
A little longer
Things a little more useless

The hand around my heart squeezes a little tighter
As the truth picks away at your dreams one by one

At Christmas we pretend we are still happy
Completely in love
While in the garden with your sister
The truth pours out of me in great sobs
She says it's ok your get through this
We both know she's lying
Inside she's crying

I had no right in making you love me
So the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart

Somewhere along the way
Anger rises
The tension surprises us
You begin to resent me
Hate me for letting you love me

And I am sorry
I stayed a little too long
Cared a little too much
I needed this whatever it was

So the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart

Invisibly I collect my possessions
Storing them
They lay in wait

Courage appears
At three in the morning on a Tuesday
Quietly I get my things
Wait by the window for a taxi
As the hand squeezes a little tighter round my heart

The knowledge erupted
Watching you hold your new Godson
Looking at me longingly
Knowing I can never give you this
Tears glazing your eyes
Looking so proud
It's wrong for me to keep you
With me this is all your ever be
A childless man

In your hallway
You help with my bags saying nothing
I will never be wife, bnever be a mother
Without you I'll never be anything

As the cab pulls away
You say your always love me
I say I know
But I have to let you go
I'm giving you a chance of what I can't give you
The most precious thing
A family

So the hand completely squeezes my heart

Afterlife

There is a her shaped hole in this world
A black void
If you look hard enough you can still see the sparkles of the departed
Black diamonds of the afterlife
The entrance left open
In case he needs to follow

It's not in the leaving she said
It's in the living once I'm dead

The cold cold bed Sat in our room
The silence in the telephone
This is what the worst will be
The carrying on without me

It isn't in the leaving she sighs
It's in the knowing I didn't survive

She asked him once to be brave
Carry on forget her name
Give some meaning to his life
Leave behind the cold dead wife

How can you love me she asked
When all I want is to depart
How am I faithfully yours she cried
He just looked at her and sighed

It isn't in the leaving she cried
It's in the living once I've died
Where I'm going has no name
The darkness consumes me again and again

I'll wait for you she said
She promised as in life and death

I warned you along the way she said
I tried to make you see
I never belonged to your world
I was never truly me
I belong to the nether world
I was put here by mistake
I'm waiting for it to draw me back
To take again my place

This is what she's seeing there
He's too used up to even care
Watching his restless nights and days
Keeping the haunting mind at bay
The last vision in his head is his wife hanging above the bed

Before you judge us


Before you judge me tell me one thing
Do you know how dew feels in the early morning
Do you know what timber makes that crackling sound
When you sit by a fire on open ground
Tell me how bright the stars do shine
While lying on your back with your lover beside
Why do weeping willows weep
They cry for the humans souls they keep
How do bluebell woods look in May
A carpet of fragrance such beauty are they

So before you tell me we can't stay
What do you know about the land that we lay
We may be different, gypsies are we
But we love these lands more than you see
We travel around from woods to creak
Past babbling brooks and chestnut trees
By steaming streams and Rocky mounts
We love this land, why doesn't this count
Romany women so small and beautiful

Tell me how midnight sounds while sleeping on hallowed ground
The night it creeps into your embrace
The perfect partner love can make

Before you judge me tell me this
What sound streams make when meeting lakes
While rivers join the big wide sea
How does it feel when admiring these
Tall trees sore the open sky
The most beautiful colours with the sun rise

So before you judge us and make us move on
Have a care for what your doing
As we are still human

We're love this land until the day we die
This is where we started our lives

Promises

I made a promise once
If you can win a promise
I won
This promise broke my heart
Shattered it
It's in my body in shards
Floating around
I move slightly
It pierces my organs
Unforgivingly

This promise will be the death of me
And I can't wait
I'm looking forward to it

This promise was our love breaking
My knowing
We wouldn't make it
I won this promise
And I'm loving the pain of it.

BodyI will always be as this


It is as clear to me as on a freezing day
During the night
Then as day seeps in
Your features are as bliss to me
So as I play with silence like it's a toy
Thinking
This life is elusive to everything
Not just this

So I watch
Then silently leave
And pray you wake up
Without  feeling loss
The loss of me

It's not easy
A constant struggle it seems
But there lingers
A constant hope in me
That one day I'll be worth it
Worth the pain
Of you giving up
Her

I have always loved you this way
A shadow forever on your face
It's an extra necessity
It's the only way
We have known us
Cramming all three of us in one life
Curling around square corners
However uncomfortable it gets

I learnt to share you
She's laughs at this
Looks at me
Pulls back her lips
Revealing razor sharp teeth
Embedding them in your neck
******* you dry
Spreading her venom through your veins

She has you when sleeping
She'll have you when you die

There is a sadness to my life
A tree trying to grow behind a larger tree
Never getting enough light
Some days are spent holding us together
Pulling you back
Some days are spent dreaming
Of better days

Without depression
Named her

Gypsies

We are the children of the Four
A wandering race
The leaves,trees and streams feed us
The earth water and winds sustain us
We belong to no man
A race so complicated
You talk about us with hushed voices
From behind your hands
Always looking down
The idea of us so precious

You don't deserve us
Never looking in our eyes
As though the simple mention of us will bring you conflict
Our women so beautiful
Seeing them leaves the vision in your head for days
So you look away
From our mystical,regal creatures

As we are the children of the forests,rivers,dessert
The snow in the north
We have always been
We have always existed
You gave us our name
It was never your right
You called us gypsies

You look at us and see aluminium homes
Your curious eyes scanning our sites
Picking up on the old battered cars
Camp fires and dirt
Nomads fighting with black eyes
Traveling through these lands

You do not see our beauty
As you are not children of the air
A race so loyal like thunder and lighting
Inside our homes lives a love so vast and thick
You can scoop it up and eat it
It feels like candy floss
Smells like Apple blossom

We a deadly protective race
Taught from years of persecution
We learnt to only live with our own
Wandering through life
Never having a home

When we burned,fire was so angry
Our ash turned to snow flakes
The wind was so distraught
Our ash fluttered over holy ground
Settled on the barren
We grew a paradise
Earth was so hurt you took her children
For you paradise will be forever out of reach
Teasing you
Just before it's in your grasp
The ocean washes it away
Burning us made water scream
You had killed the children of the Four

We don't expect to be understood
Our wisdom lays too deep
The Nazis didn't just **** and persecute the Jewish souls
They killed us too
Put your nose in the air
You can still smell us on the wind

Only I

There is a spell
This magic is a voice
This voice is sterling
It provokes
US into the shape of heavenly beings
Choosing life
Rather than non-existent rules

I'll fight you till you subdue
I'll speak wondrous tales in your ear
Submitting you to be restless
Confused

I'll be your darkness, light
Only I can sate this plight
Me alone shall condemn your days

BodyDear God


She's dying over and over again
From the insanity of the missing
The heart will repair
Though I wouldn't dare say this
At the sky she stares
Continuously
She says life must go on
I must go on

I don't want to be without him she says
As she opens the second bottle of *****
If I'd had a choice I'd of gone with him
But I'd never wish for him to ever feel
This crushing feeling
Not for a instance

In the night she thinks I'm sleeping
But I hear everything

Dear God
I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time ?
I know your a busy bloke and that,  
your tired with all these voices shouting up at you,
I would be too.
But I thought I'd give it a go.
I know your the universal spirit and there's  lots on your mind,
so I tell you what I'll talk and you can just listen,
give me your views at the end.

I was wondering if you've looked in on me lately
See God
I'm feeling incredibly unhappy,
Distraught you could say,
miserably alone.
I know there's millions probably billions
I don't know the average,
but no matter.
I know there's other's wanting your attention,
The people dying from cancer or
The African village women screaming for you to stop the men taking their kids,
Putting them on smack to fight there twisted gorilla wars.
Our boys in Afghanistan getting maimed and slaughtered.

So firstly I was wondering if it's normal to feel this way ?
You see I think of him so much he enters my dreams as soon as I close my eyes,
Is this your doing ?
Tell me what I have to do to stop this fog,
Tell me when I reach the other side I'll still be me,
Tell me it's ok to still cry silently,  without even knowing,
Then,
Tell me how to stop the tears,
Tell me,  if this ache in my chest relieves,
Tell me,  I'm standing this pain to be with him again,
Go on tell me ??!!!

I'm so alone I bet you got all the Angels up there keeping you company,
Hay I thought they were supposed to be down here looking after us ?
Point is, the real point is
You got something of mine and I want it back.


You took all my grandparents without asking,
Let them all die of cancer slowly before their time, all of them.
By the way I think you've had enough cancer out of my family thankyou very much,
Do you feed off it ?
You took my dog when I was little,
Your know the one, scruffy little Jack rustle up there running about,
He's a proper little *******.
Missed him awfully I did
You took my dad three times on the operating table,
but he's still here.
It was like holding your breath for six weeks every time he went through those shiny metal doors,
I mean what sort of a sick joke is that ?
"You can have him"
"No you can't"
"You can have him"
"I want him back"
It felt like I had aeroplane ear,
All five of us living in an empty house moving around each other like ghosts.
If the bible's true you should know all this.
But I got an idea you haven't looked in on me at all.

I'm not blaming you, well I am sort of,
I think your a really good bloke but took too much on,
We all do it now and then don't we.
I mean the church wrote your book didn't it,
It's really down to Matthew , Mark , Luke, and John,
you should really send them boys down here,
I know a lot of people who want a word with them.
They're responsible for war,
Famine and mass genocide,
Because be honest all wars start at religion one way or another don't they.

I bet if you felt one second of what I feel,
He would still be beside me, and the empty feeling,
I couldn't give a  name to would disappear.
The aftermath of such evil wars wouldn't of happened.
I don't believe you would still let our boys in Afghanistan get themselves blown up and shot in the head
I don't believe,
If you felt an instance of this loss
You would've of let Osama bin Laden get away with all the lives he took on 9/11.
The Jews getting gassed and thrown in pits of thousands

I'm Sorry I've gone off track,
What I was saying is,
my dad told me if he'd of died when he got kidney failure
It's God's will.
Well if it's your will,
Do me a favour and send my husband back
I wasn't finished with him yet.

And if you can't do that,
Tell him something for me,
Tell him I love him,
But lie, say I'm ok.
Say I'm getting by,
I got sleeping tablets off the doc,
Say I'm almost happy.
Not to worry.
Tell him I'm rushing towards death for him,
That I've stocked up on *****.
God, tell him I'll be there soon.

I love you enough

I won a battle
I came out on top
Your be happy to hear this
Maybe even jealous
I tried to write the perfect
poem
I couldn't
They never quite did you
justice
So I burned all of them
They didn't make me shiver
The perfect poem for you
should be read as a whisper
Hummed as a song
As I won our battle
I came out on top
I won our battle
And your gone

There's a wood by our home
In May the woods are turned
wondrous
Bluebells carpet the ground
Violet, blue, pink
Astounding
This is where we lay
Blowing wishes up through the
trees
As we said how much we loved
each other and why

After a long life
Children
Grandchildren
We'd stroll along the beach
holding hands
Our dog would still be alive
We'd have enough money to
make him live forever
He'd bark at our heels
Not throwing his stick quite fast
enough
His poor little docked tail
wagging
Playing with the waves

At Christmas our house filled
with our family
Generations of our life
Exceedingly happy
We'd do route 66
Take years if we wanted
Kiss all the time
As were still in love, not just
loving
Buy a Jacuzzi
Skinny dip at 80

Too early, so young
Life destroyed you
This is what our love had
amounted to

The perfect poem still hasn't
surfaced
Even though I live through the
solace
There is no beautiful words for
it
It doesn't rhyme
It is no sonnet

It's simply this
That night we stared at the
stars
I told you I loved you enough
I'd be happy for you to go first
you said i can go forward
you would stay  
not wanting me to feel life's
decay

I said your going first, this
battle was mine til the last
I'd be left with life's
uncertainties
The damp in my heart would
last
My remaining days
I would suffer impeccable
sadness
Loss being relentless
I love you enough
To stand the destitute days
Cold nights anxiety makes
Emptiness of loneliness
I love you enough for you to
never feel this
I love you enough
for you to die first
This is what my love amounted
to
I love you enough to be the
last
I love you enough

Explosion

I am explosive
You stupidly take it
Ripping away at you
Shredding skin
Shattering bone
Battering you
With harsh words
Wounds slightly open
I pour salt into the cracks
of long forgotten mistakes
A life sentence
Lived on borrowed skin
As I continuously wound you
Again
And again

I held you up
But I needed holding
But I held you up instead

I will **** you slowly for this
I will rip your skin from your body
Only to heal it with kisses

Fire surrounds me
Licking my skin lovingly
The electric blue of your eyes
Amongst the bloodshot
Keeping anger in
Searing me
This is beauty to me

I am explosive
There's nothing you can do for it
So hold on to what I was
As that girl won't be here long
She let you get away with everything

Inspiration turned to shards
Sharp as razors
She's no longer here
Do you not see
I kicked her out
The moment you tasted infidelity

Would I

So I trickled out if your life
As water through a spring
Smoothing over the points and rocks alone
An adventure
I didn't give you another thought
You were irrelevant to me
I told myself this religiously
Just someone I used to know
Until now that is
Now I've done everything I wanted
Traveled the world
Now your everything I need
Standing in front of me
Funny how life turns the tables so easily

Do you remember how it used to be with us
Yes, we used to be In love
Is that what you call it
I remember it differently than that
I remember never knowing

So I ask a question that's lingered forever
Would I of been your wife if I'd stayed
Yes
this is
all you need to say
The bitter weathers beating at your cheeks
The air now almost too cold to breath
Leaves crisp underfoot
This revelation will destroy me yet

I'm just passing through I say
Trying to hide the injustice
Of watching you play with your wedding ring
I'm just passing through
This Certain clarity
I see Is Soul destroying
My island Carved out of the consequences of my decisions
Starts shacking
I feel it swaying, I see it starts sinking
I was safe here until this evening
The birds start flying
The fish swim deep
Nature scarpers
emotions erupting
My island was tropical once
Now it's an iceberg

The revelation of this truth
Ignites our old youth
My lake starts rippling, from indecisions
Confusion Settling in
As you did love me in the end
I remember  the enormity of the hoping
Not knowing Was soul splitting
It was easier to leave you than not knowing
So I went traveling
Stumbling until i got used to the terrain

We were children
One tiny decision changed everything
I started mapping out my future
Carving you out of the paper island

We were so young
Brought up on summer sun
Dry grass under foot
The way it always got
Warm nights you no longer get
the world was a different place then
than it is
All that was certain
your not loving me
Your not caring
Scared of saying
The simplest sentance
Has brought us to this moment
All i was sure of Now means nothing

I'm just passing through
I say
After all its Christmas
Ill be gone by new year
You can go back to pretending your wife is the love of your life
I don't say this aloud
I was nothing
I'm just passing through I say
As nothing can be changed

Invisible Thread

It is in the aftermath that the worst occurs
The devastation in the knowing
That we are nearly parting
The silence after being
US
The laying there saying nothing
Listening to us breathing
Just waiting,just watching the clock ticking
Willing it to slow

This is the last time I say
I need to make it work

The still after the storm
We rushed at first
Dismissing my rings
Impatient with each other
Needing the feel of us in each other's skin
In each other's bones
Tangled with our limbs

This is the last time I say
I need to make it work

Above the bed words are suspended in air
All things unsaid between us
Just out of reach,to high too grasp
The sweet somethings
That are agony to say as it would be admitting
That we are something
Something we weren't expecting
So we say nothing
Lay there waiting

But we could be everything
As we are perfection
Earth shattering,heaven like
Almost
Shuddering against one another
Trying to catch our breath
As though we are the only ones  in this world living
Existing only for this
So we are watching
My wedding rings shining
Waiting for the inevitable
The me
leaving you

I unwillingly walking away
The magnetic pull struggling against me
Like a net around my body
Pulling me back to you
My insides in agony
Our invisible thread near snapping
Stretching as far as possible

This is the last time I say
I need to make it work

Over my shoulder your staring
With knowledge in your eyes
A slight curl of your lips
As you know it's all lies
I'll be back again
Or we surely won't survive

Don't ask me to change my poetry again

I got a bad review,a terrible review
"Give it up" it said
Please stop writing, you stupid fool
We don't want to read anymore of your ****
Your wasting your time
Your poetry's crap
Can't even spell, punctuations non existent
So I'll write for my fans I've only got two
But they like my work so f..k you

I'll put pen to paper
Join beautiful words
Write a poem for the masses
I could use big words
I don't understand, look to the dictionary for every line
Leave a blankness in your head
Wondering what the hell it said

From this poem your feel astounded
Magnificent,marvellous, absolutly gorgeous
All the beautiful words I've put down
Look lovely, sound wonderful
But don't mean a thing

I'll tell you what is little-known
What school is like if you actually go
I never went to college you see
No chance of a university degree
Pretty much what you see
Is what you tend to get with me

I don't know how to write poetry
All I know is what's inside of me
The rawness, blatant truth
Sometimes happy, mostly not
My writing will shock
Make you see some truth
As raw as possible, this is what I do
I'll never sugar coat things
Make them easier to swallow
The big wide worlds out there and its  *ING horrible
African children dying in pain
Their mother's **** sliced off, ***** and maimed
Our boys fighting an endless war
So those countries can have much more
Children blowing themselves up
As their told its the way to God
This governments  ** people are freezing
As our war veterans can't afford the heating
What kind of world is this that we live
When people are starving,dying and sick

Don't ask me to change my poetry again
Or I'll shout it from the roof of your office building

Your Demise

Tears as loose as the ribbon fluttering from your hair to the floor
Stepping back I wonder if this agony is justice
That a last breath
So you hold your head up high
As fate has sacrificed the utter astonishment from your eyes

There is but a wish
To close those eyes for good
I know this on the wind
Would help you if I could
Smile at your demise

Ill hold you in the palm of my hand
as if a sugar rose
Letting the sweetness perspire
Into my flesh
Ill hold you as this
As the sobs retch through your chest
Ill smile rather than laugh
As laughing takes more effort
More muscles contract

So we act
As if playing a game
The winner shall rise upon a white cloud steadfast and gallant
Towards the prize
Him
I will smile at you loosing this
Round
As he walks me home instead of you

Truth is I don't really want him
I taking him because I can
I'm seducing him as I never liked you much
I never said I was a good person

Your Perfection

You moulded me to your perfection then bounced me around the room
to show ownership of me to your friends

So I purred and smiled and batted my eyes

Acted asthough I enjoyed it

I loved all of them the way you taught me
So you were pleased for a while
For a while I was safe

You bent me out of shape and pushed me as far as I could take
So I tried to smile and bat my eyes but I couldn't help but cry
It made you happy for a while

These chains swing and hurt my wrists as they break and cut my veins

I'm lying here alone unclaimed
I wish to feel the hurt again
I want the tears upon my face
The cold gleam in your eye
I need you to be happy for a while

The darkness stinks, I'm in disgrace all used up a broken face
Bones are broken beneath the skin
I love your smile you've such a grin
Now at least your happy again