there are secrets—
in the pocket of my black coat.

you'd rip the ribbons from my braid
and show me how to love
in whispers.
tearing me apart,
only to put me together
and feel accomplished:

like you were the first
to step foot on the moon
or to kiss me.

i love you dearly,
with your olive eyes
and crooked smile.

you weren't very good at love,
and i was very good at lying.

in the shadows of the moonlight,
you kissed me crudely.
(you'd never kissed anyone before.)
you told me you loved me—

and i told you,
lies ridden in the sentence,
that my love was not for you.

it's going to be one year and 11 months
11 days from now.
oh, how the time flies.
almost two years
i've been privileged with your company.

although, your company was my privilege since i was in 8th grade.
five years of friendship
and two of those getting to call you mine.

there were, of course
the lost months where
i said no to sitting next to you,
and homecoming.

i'm sorry for hurting you
and not being there for you.
but i will be there for you now and forever.

thank you, friend
for loving me as i am.
i promise to do the same.

Take me to the sea
when the rivers run dry.
Sit on the sand
and make our getaway:
a castle with assortments of shells.

The ocean is quick to take away
what it has given us.

Take me to the sea
and kiss me on the mouth.
Take me home.
(which is wherever you are
and you are very far from me.)

I sit on the beach,
the grains of sand caressing my skin,
hearing the ocean clap onto the shore–
It's my applause.

The sun kisses my face.
I close my eyes tightly,
feeling your hand on my cheek,
pressing my face to yours.
I smell the sunshine on your neck
and your saltwater sweat.

I am dreaming desperately
to find a piece of you that will linger
long enough to fool me.

I lay in the ocean,
the waves lapping at my body
all which are miniature kisses
sent from you.

painting with our words,
a newer reality.
the desperate gasps of air
for the broken heart,
being filled with abstract,
design, fairytales.
we live in a world we create.
art is the fortress of the broken soul.

i give up on letting people save me.
i'm going to drown.
i'll be the damsel
and i'll be my own hero.

the only way to free yourself
is to let loose every dream and hope.
other people will just bring you pain.

i'm going to live in the ocean.
breathe the ocean air.
let the ocean swallow me up like my feelings.

i think the earth keeps hoping that even though her children have gone astray,
and hurt her, that they will come back
and tell their mother earth
"i'm grateful for all that you've done for me. i'm sorry i didn't notice it earlier."

In between the time
from when I get to my car and turn it on—
you're there.
nestled in my brain space.
between all the seconds and minutes
of my day.

you tango with thoughts of him,
i'd say it's a battle.
in between the two of you,
there is me.

this isn't a fight,
but my soul is racked with something
something i cannot name
something i've never known.

in between these fleeting thoughts
i see your faces flash
brown eyes and then blue.
one fighting to stay and threaten the other
to leave.

nothing goes.
your faces mold into
someone i do not know
and the confusion grows.

in between these spaces
are unpredictable thoughts
and feelings
i don't share.
(you linger there.)

i still remember the smell of you,
and the way you kissed me
one last time.

i find myself wishing i could open up
and cry to someone
(someone meaning you)
but you aren't here
and i'm left trying to find words
to describe these musings
in between seconds
to strangers.

It was bad.
I kept dreaming up realities—

one
where we swam in our spandex
after running
and you kissed me on the mouth.

two
where we laid side by side
in the bed of your old truck
and i showed you constellations
and told you each
and every story
that belonged to them.

three
where you held onto me
and your face was buried into my neck
as the tears flowed
from your swampy eyes.

each dream i dream of you
is a waste of energy.

you will never be mine.

i hope
one day,
that your heart will be my home
and i will never have to go searching for it again.

your words clung to me
like wet clothes
and tattoos.

i'm trying to forget
what you told me
in the shadow of the day.

you are a creature
unlike all the rest,
still,
there is no one willing
to be your captor.

the rain taps on the window
slowly and then frantically.
as if to say, "don't give up on me too,
i'm right out here for you."

i think people are like rain.
we are frantically trying to make
everything and anything work.