my parents seem to wonder
why i never come home in the summer
but if they could see just how they treat me
they would know **** well why
i stay away from this place
this dungeon
this wreck of a home
where daddy drinks
and mommy covers it all up with a smile
until i walk through that door
and she lets the facade she held together so well
crumble and fade away as she screams
and screams
and screams at me
for staying out late
for sleeping at his house
for coming home once a week.
but i refuse to be bullied by my own mother.
i will not sleep under the same roof as the woman
who told me that life
isn't about being happy
and that my life
has been ruined
in my quest for happiness.
i will not be yelled at for staying away
when the only times i come home
are to be yelled at.
i will not put up with her
when i'm trying to fix myself.
i will not put up with her
when i'm so in love with him.
i will not put up with her
when i have better things to do.

lucky isn't something
i consider myself to be.
and though you've asked me why
i still make myself cry
i don't think you realize
how unlucky i really am.
yeah, i've had it good.
i live in a great town
with a loving family
and opportunities i am so thankful i have been given.
so why am i so unhappy?
i'll tell you why.
it's because i'm stuck here.
this small town has trapped me in its suburban clutches.
i can't escape
for another two years.
and i know
those two years
will be the longest years of my entire existence.
but then you came along
and you changed my life.
you make me happy.
i look forward to talking to you every day,
even though it'll only be for a little while
before you go to work.
you make me so happy to be alive.
you make me laugh when i'm sad.
you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
i love you.

lucky isn't something
i consider myself to be.
and though you've asked me why
i still make myself cry
i don't think you realize
how unlucky i really am.
yeah, i've had it good.
i live in a great town
with a loving family
and opportunities i am so thankful i have been given.
so why am i so unhappy?
i'll tell you why.
it's because i'm stuck here.
this small town has trapped me in its suburban clutches.
i can't escape
for another two years.
and i know
those two years
will be the longest years of my entire existence.
but then you came along
and you changed my life.
you make me happy.
i look forward to talking to you every day,
even though it'll only be for a little while
before you go to work.
you make me so happy to be alive.
you make me laugh when i'm sad.
you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
i love you.

standing at the door
he calls me a *****
and says that no more can i come around.
so i leave his place
walking at a quick pace
tears streaming down my face -- i'm nowhere bound.
i think back to the time
when he was mine
and i think how divine it is for him to be free.
without me by his side
he has no one to keep him from sniffing lines
or to tell him no more wine for tonight -- leave it be.
our love went downhill
when he took his first pill
and started to spill about all those other girls.
believe me, i tried
to fill him with pride
but that boy lied and now he makes me want to hurl.
as i'm walking through the streets
i feel the leaves below my feet
and it beings to sleet as i walk down the path.
headlights illuminate my way
but my shadow leaves an outline of grey
as i hear the sound of breaks delayed -- i'm feeling god's wrath.
i try to get up
but it seems that a truck
has slid out in the muck and hit me.
i find i can't take a breath
and i suddenly see Death
approaching from my left as i close my eyes and count to three.
darkness takes over
i feel heavy as a boulder
as i make this crossover between the worlds.
in peace i am woken
by Death -- i am broken
by the words he has spoken; he is twirled.

give me your clothes to wear
so that when i'm lonely or sad
i know i have a part of you with me.
tell me i'm beautiful when i look terrible.
hold me when i'm sleeping so i know
the monsters in my head won't bother me
for just a single night.
wake me up with kisses
when the morning light peaks through the windows
to our small apartment.
take me to perkins at three in the morning
simply because we can.
stargaze with me.
let me lie on your chest
and run my hands through your hair
and kiss your lips
and call you mine.
spend every second you can with me
because you can't stand the thought
of being away from me
for more than a day.
let me sing to you when you're tired
let me rub your head when you're sick
let me wake up next to you every single day.
let me love you.
and please
love me in return.
that's all i ask of you.

casual laughs fill the room
as his hand brushes against my leg
our eyes meet
smiles fade
eyes drop to mouths as the distance
between us closes
lips brush up against each other
before his arms slide around my back
and my hands run through his hair
he pulls me closer as his hands caress my hips
i pull away slowly
and look at him
a smile spreads on both our faces
he strokes my cheek gently
tucks a strand of hair behind my ear
and kisses me
before i can do anything
he's holding me against him tightly
and my heart races
while my head spins
and i fall even more
in love

again and again i let the monsters in the back of my head tell me i'm worthless
i let them dictate over my happiness
they whisper sweet nothings to me late at night
so when the alarm buzzes and i awake from the little sleep i've had
the monsters tell me over and over
that i am worthless
and no amount of sleep can cure the tiredness i feel
and i let myself believe that those boys
the ones who use me
the ones who abuse me
are worthy of my compassion
and it's all because of the monsters
it's all because they are poising my mind with lies
but i know that one day i will have had enough
and one day
i will stop the monsters from speaking
from lying to me
from convincing me that i am worthless
i will make the words pouring out of their mouths cease
i will be victorious in escaping my hell

I want summer.
I want to wear shorts and tank tops again.
I want to cruise in my car with the windows down, the radio blasting my jam.
I want to bike to the lake with my friends and smoke a joint as the sun sets.
I want the bugs to chirp in the night as we look up to the stars.
I want the sun to kiss my skin.
I want to go to parties and bonfires.
I want to go boating again.
I want to sneak out in the middle of the night with you and go anywhere we want, just because we can.
I want the days to be longer.
I want the nights to be warm.
I want to go to the lake with you and sit in the sand, cuddling.
I want to hold you under the night sky as the moon watches over us.
I want the rain storms, the green leaves, the summer holidays.
I want you to take me out for ice cream.
I want you to dip your feet in the warm waters of the stream with me.
I want us to be together.
I want to go to parties with you and sit by the pool, laughing.
I want you.
I want us.
I want summer.

I need more than this small town life.

I need the cities that don't sleep, the stores that don't close at nine, the people who don't go to bed at ten-thirty. I need to know there is more to life than just getting up in the morning, getting dressed, going to school and coming home to do homework for classes I don't care about, going to bed and repeating it all over the next day.

This life is not the life I was meant to live. This life is meant for someone who doesn't want to see the world. For someone who doesn't want all the knowledge this beautiful earth has to offer. I want that and anything else I am offered. I want so much more.

Small towns like this can't hold me in. They prevent me from spreading my wings, from flying toward the never-ending horizon, from seeing everything my eyes can take in. I want more. I need more.

I need to be free of these chains that restrain me from being everything I can be.

I think I need to learn what I deserve.
I've managed to get myself to thinking that what isn't worthy of me, is.
And as much as I don't want to admit that,
As mean as it sounds,
I deserve better than what I've been giving myself.
I don't deserve the cuts covering my skin.
I don't deserve the pain I'm in.
I don't deserve to feel lonely or sad or betrayed.
I don't deserve to feel tired all the time.
I deserve to sleep soundly at night, because the demons shouldn't disturb my slumber.
I deserve to not have to cry myself to sleep because I'm better than that.
I deserve to be independent because I don't need anyone.
I deserve the man who will drop everything and come running to me
The man who tells me he won't ever leave
The man who isn't afraid to argue with me
Or tell me when I'm being mean
The man who loves me for me, good and bad
The man who won't cheat or lie or break my heart
The man who wipes my tears and holds me at night.
But you?
You don't deserve me.
Because I am better than your lies.

The girl with the big eyes feared the ocean
           Because it was vast and never ending.
She was scared of the sun;
           For how much power did it truly possess?
The sounds of sobs frightened her as well --
           Why would someone cry with such passion?
But more than anything, she was terrified of being loved,
                                                        and loving in return.
The girl with the old soul was fascinated with the stars
            Because they were always shining in the darkest of nights.
She was intrigued by the songs of the birds;
            How could something so small possess something so beautiful?
The way the tide obeyed the moon was interesting too --
            Why would the waters bow to something out of their reach?
But most of all, she was in love with being in love,
                                                       and loving in return.
The girl with the scars on her arms wasn't afraid of death
             Because he had taken so much from her.
She wasn't interested in the popular opinion;
             Why should she worry about what others thought of her?
The different strategies of war didn't seem of importance either --
             Why get involved in other battles when she had her own to face?
But above all, she dared to fall in love,
                                                      and loving in return.

The damsel in distress may not always want to be saved
The violins may not always mean romance
The chorus of angels may not mean the rapture has begun
So make no assumptions about those things
Make no assumptions about the scars running along her wrists,
Or the mascara stains down her cheeks,
Or the indent from an old ring worn for years and years.
Those things mean nothing
Unless they are spoken of otherwise
So when the fire starts
And the music plays
And the house burns down
And the tears fall
And the lives are lost
And the battle is won --
Why should there be judgements made?
Who has the right to speak for those who cannot themselves?
Who turns those moments to memories,
The thoughts to ideas,
The spark to flames,
The letters to words --
Who can be held responsible for those?
It is not the ones who are presumed;
It is not those with power --
It is those without.
It is the mothers, sons, and daughters
It is the sun, stars and moon
It is the child with an empty stomach
The home with no roof
The man with no voice
The woman with no sight
The god with no power
It is you
It is me
It is us

What I'm doing here,
now,
isn't really poetry.
It's more of a rant.
Because I have nowhere else to vent.
I know you all want beautiful poems
with words that make your heart
swoon
sing
bleed
stop
but I can't give those to you
because I'm no good with words
I'm sorry I've failed you
like I fail everyone else

I feel like I'm losing control of my life
Like I'm just giving up on everything
Because that's how life should be
But I'm stupid of I think that's going to get me
Through two more years of high school
Because it isn't
It will help me fail
And not get into the schools I want
Giving up is not an option right now
Even though it's the one thing I really want to do
Just give up
Just forget everything
Just leave everything behind
I've made some bad decisions in my lifetime
And I'm going to make more
Regardless of whether or not I want to
So I might as well just get used to it
But I don't want to get used to it
I want to change
I want to be better
I want to fight for myself

i've been thinking about him a lot lately
more than i should be
and something inside of me is screaming
stop
something inside of me is shouting
stop
i'm begging to be saved from myself
by someone
anyone
who is willing to help
but quite honestly
he's the only one i want to save me
but he's gone
and he won't be coming back
and i truthfully don't know how to deal with that
because i really cared about him
i really liked him
i may have even loved him
to a small extent
he left and i'm alone
and now she's going away
she's transferring
she's just leaving
without any warning
transferring schools
and i'm being replaced by some other girl
who i've never met
who i've never seen
who i doubt is anything like me
and i'm being replaced
and i can't manage to shake the feeling
that everyone i care about
everyone i ever will care about
is going to replace me
with someone else
no matter how long it takes them
to do it
they will
they all will
and i'll be left alone
again
with my thoughts
in my own little hell
known as my mind

I'm not going to watch you **** yourself.
You're doing this to get attention -- it's obvious.
But I'm not going to stand by and let you do this.
I've tried to talk you out of it, to tell you it's wrong,
that you're wrong, that it isn't helping anyone.
But you won't listen to me.
You refuse to see how I can help you.
So I'm done trying to help.
I refuse to watch you **** yourself by not eating
and lying to everyone about everything
and slicing your skin on purpose
and fasting on a daily basis
and telling me what your plans are for becoming skinnier
and blogging about it to get attention from people who don't even know you
and doing drugs that can **** you.
I'm done with everyone and everything --
I don't need you to torture me by letting me watch my best friend **** herself.
So have fun with that,
have fun being the cause of your own death,
have fun starving to death --
I'm done trying to help you realize there are other ways.

Well
Now you know
And as much as I wish you didn't know
You do
And now you always will
But I just want to know
How long have you known?
Because it appears
You've known for a long time
And just haven't told me
And I want to say
That I'm sorry
Because I am
Ancient to talk to you
But you aren't making it easy
Please
Talk to me
Tell me what's going on
I can help you

I secretly hope you read this.

Anyone, for that matter.

There's something about you that draws me to you.

When I look in your eyes I'm lost.
When I see you smile I'm in heaven.
When you say my name, it's like a chorus of angels singing.
When you hold me happiness engulfs my entire body.
When you kiss me -- god when you kiss me -- I'm flying.

But you seemed to stop talking to me.
I don't know what I did wrong.
I must have done something wrong, if you haven't conversed with me normally in several days.
I just wish you would tell me what I did wrong.
But it seems that you're pushing me away.
That's how it feels.
But no matter how many times you deny me, I will always come back to you.
I will continue to try.

Why?

Because you mean something to me.

*And it's the first time in a long time that anyone has meant something to me like this.

it looks like
he's gone away
and won't be returning
he came
and he left
just like that
within seconds of arriving
he was gone
and now I'm alone
again
like I will be
forever
but I pray
that I'm wrong
that he'll come back
that he won't go
because I care about him
more than I should
I don't want him to leave
he should be here
with me
in my arms
and hopefully
he's just busy tonight
and he hasn't got the time
to talk with me
and whatever I am to him
but he has no idea
how much he means to me
and how much it will hurt
if he goes away
forever

it looks like I'll be
crying myself to sleep
again
tonight
just like I did
last night
and the night before that
and the night before that
and the night before that...

The flip of a page
The scratch of a head
The crack of a bone
Simultaneously
The ring of a phone
The slam of a door
The creak of the wood
Simultaneously
The scratch of a pen
The tick of a clock
The breath of a boy
Simultaneously
All things come together
To meet the call of fate
To be used for a purpose
Simultaneously
Calling out to each other
Filling in empty space
Catching a random eye
Simultaneously
Harmonizing with the world
Falling into place
Finding where they belong
Simultaneously
Singing, dancing, laughing
Clapping, talking, running
Falling, calling, smiling --
Simultaneously.

I need you
Your hand in my hand
Your body pressed against mine
Your lips on my lips
Your arms around me
Your smile warming my heart
Your laugh ringing in my ears
Your eyes catching mine
Your voice singing to me
You next to me when I wake up
I need you
I want you
I need you

There's a song in the distance
I can hear it softly playing
And I can hear the children singing
Words you once were saying

Words that once were comforting
To my weak and broken soul
But now they ring like loud, loud bells
And the noise -- it takes its toll

You spoke of worlds that were so warm
And welcoming to my heart
I longed to go there and become
A piece of your own art

But alas, that wasn't what was to be;
It was not involved in my future
Yet I still wish to be in your life
And as do you, too, sir

So I let you in my sacred mind
And let you see what I see
I wanted you to understand
How I came to be

And when you entered my little world
You saw things I never share
The things I'm always thinking of
And you seemed to care

It was the first time anyone
Had ever really cared
So I shared with you my life story
And you -- you weren't scared

Not of the shadows
Who lurk behind me
Not of the ghosts
That always find me

Not of the stories
I've always known
Not of the place
That I called home

You accepted who I was
Everything I've ever been
You accepted me for me
And I felt happy again

At last, here you are
Singing your old songs
At last, here we are
Singing in the dawn

I have so many questions

Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Where will I end up?
How will I die?
What will I do?
Who will I love?

Who will love me?

But more than anything
I wonder about you
And me
And where we'll be
In five years

Will we know each other?
Will we remember each other?
Will I have ever meant something to you?
What will we have come to be?

But I'm afraid of the answer
Because I'm terrified that you,
Just like everyone else,
Will forget me

*I don't want to be forgotten

I want to spend all the time in the world with you.

I want to sing you to sleep
And kiss you whenever I want
And hug you from behind
And play with your hair
And watch movies with you
And cuddle on the couch
And hold your hand
And kiss your neck
And lie in bed next to you while we lay in your arms and talk about what we'll do together.

I want to be yours,
and I want to say you're mine.

*I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you, my darling.

I wish I could just melt into music.

I know that sounds weird, but I wish I could just become a never ending, legato phrase of music. Life takes so much out of me. I want to become an undying piece of beauty that will never be forgotten.

Music isn’t just something I listen to, or something that passes time.

Music is everything.

Every hour of every day and every night, there is music playing in my mind. It never stops. There’s nothing I can do to silence it.

I never want to stop getting chills because of the descant to the most beautiful choral piece.

I want to be the writer of the most gorgeous piano piece.

I never want to forget how the melody to my favourite song goes, even if it’s been twenty years since I last heard it.

I never want to forget how the lyrics to those songs made me cry, or laugh, or belt until my voice was gone.

There’s so much more to music than just notes on a sheet of paper.

Music is what keeps me alive.

Music is infinite.

Last night, even though you didn’t say anything, I could tell you were in pain. There was something in your eyes. So I held you. I wrapped my arms around you and stroked your hair and kissed your neck. And you started to come back to me. And I want you to know that I am here for you. I’m not going to leave.

I can’t stop thinking about you. You. God, even when I just say that word, off I go, smiling like an idiot. When I’m with you, I can be me. I feel comfortable around you. I may not have known you long, and you may have heard things about me, but I’m not the same me I was a month ago. When we touch all I feel is warmth. When we kiss all I see is joy. When you hold me all I feel is happiness. Please, don’t be afraid of my past. Of the ghosts that follow me. And don’t be afraid of losing me because of something you might do. It takes a lot to scare me off. Just trust me. Please, know how I feel. Don’t be the one I lost.