i traveled to the city of angels,
and i didn't know what to expect.
i saw the wingless seraphs weep,
but gained so much respect.
i traveled to the city of dreams,
where the land gods were lost.
i saw the people who wanted to be found,
and those who were trying to get a cost.
i traveled to the city of angels,
and i saw heartache and pain.
i did't know what i was expecting,
but i think i'll go again.

i couldn't help
but get lost
in the flames
that caressed
your pretty
little head.

although i was
taught to grow
out, i told my-
self to grow in,
like the women
who create this
space around
them, for the
men in their lives.

i shrunk my-
self skinny, i
made myself
thin, because
i didn't want
the rotund
lifestyle all the
men in this
family has.

instead of late-
night drinking
and going out
for dinner every
night, i stayed in
and threw my
dinner in the bin.

i made myself
a living dead
person, all bones
with a suit of
human flesh.
i went days with-
out eating a thing.
i didn't eat until
they took me to
the hospital and
forced fed me there.

they are trying
to teach me the
art of growing
out, instead of
in, because it's
not normal for
the boys to do
what the girls
do - growing
inwards in-
stead of out.

it wasn't until
the other night
that i started
thinking about
you, and how
much i wanted
to be around
you, and how
badly i wanted
to kiss your lips.

it wasn't until
i saw you with
him, that i began
feeling this feeling
called loneliness
come creeping
back into me once
again, and it's
t e r r i f y i n g .

just the other day
you were just a
little girl, playing
with barbies and
playing make-
believe, but just the
other day i saw
you sticking your
tongue down his
throat, and i never
thought i would
ever see this day.

you called it love,
but i call it lonely.
he calls love some-
thing else entirely.
love to a boy like
him is psychical,
and when he is
done, he will leave,
like the others did.
and i am so sorry
that you have to
go through that.

"sorry miss,
but the way
you glance
at me, well,
it drives me
i n s a n e . ."

"sorry, sir,"
she replied,
"but do i
know you?"

"sorry, miss,"
i turned away.
she must not
remember me
from the other
day at the park.

"don't go!"
she hollered,
and grabbed
my arm, like
a child would
their parent.

"but why?"
i question,
turning around,
to realise that
i was alone.
it was all in
my h e a d .
she was my
thoughts and
all my dreams.

i am still alone
in the world,
and she is never
coming back, so
i should get that
out of my mind.

across from me at the table,
an elder lady sat.
she grabbed my hands and gasped,
but her eyes she did not bat.
she stared directly at me,
her eyes searching mine.
the tears welled up inside hers,
before streaming down a line.
when i asked who she was,
she only shook her head.
she wasn't anyone anymore,
she was already dead.
i fled quickly out of there,
to see my therapist again.
i told her about what had happened,
i told her about the pain.
it doesn't really help,
when you're as crazy as me.
because i don't know what's real anymore,
i don't know what i actually see.
it's not fair for a teenager,
to be seeing things like i do.
i'm still just a kid whose had it rough,
but i don't have a clue.
i wish it all to go away,
i never wanted part of this.
i just want to be a normal boy,
who laughs and hugs and kiss.

i sit at the curb,
my head in my knees,
they think i'm begging,
i just want to please.
i got my head in the clouds,
i got my feet in the ground,
no one notices the lonely one,
because they lonely one doesn't make a sound.
i got to stay high all the time,
i can't go home alone again,
but i have to pay her a visit,
even if it brings me pain.
i have to show my face to them,
and get over my fears.
i have to say hello to old friends,
after all these long years.

i saw you for the first time,
in a very long time,
yesterday evening.
you were sitting at your desk,
burying your nose in paperwork,
rushing to get it done.
you looked so tired,
you looked so frail.
if i were to touch you,
you would have crumpled over.
you once told me that,
you'd never be the person
stuck behind a desk for hours,
being apart of something
that you never wanted to do.
you always told me you'd be free,
that'd you be creative,
and joyful.
but the tables turned,
and you were forced to apply
for a job you didn't want,
that you didn't enjoy.
and the happiness is drained from your face.
and there in no life in your eyes.
and when you looked up,
you hardly recognized me.
a dazed and confused girl,
lost in this filthy horror show.

last night i dreamed i killed myself.

today i wished it was true.

she set the pumpkins out,
and decorated her house.
she got her costume ready,
she was a measly gray mouse.
the witches came riding,
and the black cats hissed.
the neighbourhood boys egged houses,
but her house they missed.
children cried out "TRICK OR TREAT,"
and parents rushed them along.
she was with her group of friends,
a place where she didn't belong.
ghosts come haunting the streets,
and the blood of vampires drip down.
superheroes run house to house,
and clowns turn their frowns upside down.
it's a night that everyone waits for,
a night where the dead roam free.
it's a night where i let myself go,
it's a night where i can be me.

you're breathtaking.
i marvel in your beauty.

i looked down at you,
and i couldn't help but frown.
they parted your hair wrong,
you'd never wear that gown.
they swiped makeup on your face,
the kind that'd make you gag.
they straightened your hair wrong,
oh, i could imagine how you'd nag.
your beautiful eyes were closed,
and no smile was on your face.
you skin was frosted cold,
you were in the wrong place.
they caught me weeping,
beside your resting bed.
they wanted to escort me away,
i just wanted to be dead.
i begged for one last look,
and prayed for you to come back.
i asked for at least one kiss,
but then i started seeing black.
i woke up on my own bed,
the sun became the moon.
and ever since that very day,
i've been singing the same sad tune.

you had too many drinks that night,
and she was wearing a dress,
so you thought, "she's a ****," right?
because you label women as:
what they wear is what they are, right?
you tried to woo her countless times,
but she still said no,
and you thought she was playing with you.
you thought, just because she was wasted,
that means she's ***** and wants to ****.
she was an innocent girl.
all she wanted was to have fun,
but you ruined that for her.
even after she pushed you off,
and smacked you in the face,
and called you every swear word,
you thought she wanted you.
she cried for help,
but the music was too high,
and everyone was too drunk,
and they all thought she wanted it too.
and that makes me sick.
because she didn't want it,
she wanted a place to let loose.
she didn't want it,
she just wanted some fun.
a couple of beers,
a couple of cheers,
then she'd go off with her friends.
but you've formed her into a woman,
a woman who screams in her sleep,
who locks all the doors,
who jumps at every bump in the night.
you've done that to her,
and you don't even feel sorry.
you thought she was an animal,
just a play toy.
but she was so much more.
and after she stopped weeping,
you tried to kiss her again,
but she pushed you away,
you got angry with her.
you shook her and smacked her,
you beat her black and blue.
don't lie to me, i know you want me.
i know you want me.
I KNOW YOU WANT ME.
and she screamed,
even if you hurt her.
she screamed and screamed,
even when you broke her jaw.
she shrieked.
she cried.
she never wanted you.
a week later i was walking home,
and coincidentally i looked up,
and on top of the building was a figure.
there was a goddess up there,
black and blue from a beating,
but still beautiful.
her sobs floated from her mouth,
down to the streets,
but no one bothered to listen.
but i did.
and i went up there,
and brought her down,
and hugged her.
she flinched and squirmed,
because some **** had ruined her.
some ******* poisoned her thoughts,
making her believe every guy is the same.
every guy she has ever loved or trusted,
became another trespasser.
she couldn't even look her father in the eye.
but she broke down before me,
revealing herself in blood in tears,
painting me a story that made me sick.
she cried for hours on that roof,
curled up in front of me,
begging me to let her die,
but i refused.
i saved her life,
and i hope no one saves yours for when karma comes around.

i kissed the length of her body,
an extra kiss for each scar,
i trailed my fingers up and down,
and traced every mar.
she curled into a ball each night,
and cried herself to sleep,
i wrapped my arms around her,
and let her sob and weep.
when the sun is shining,
she sings happy tunes,
but when the moon is high,
she's in complete ruins.
i haven't met a girl so sad,
who is completely broken,
but she shines like a goddess,
even though she's soft-spoken.
old feelings come rushing in,
i think i found my heart,
it was within this quiet girl,
right from the start.

they told me i was strong.
they told me i would make it.
they told me i wasn't sad.
they told me i was faking it.
they told me i was wrong.
they told me i was stupid.
pathetic.
alone.
they abandoned me.
so i stood at the end of the world,
glancing down into the abyss.
they came along and gasped in fear,
trying to talk me down from there.
they told me i was loved.
they told me i wasn't alone.
they told me i was special.
but they only cared for the moment.
because after the rush was gone,
and i came down from the sky,
they wandered off,
leaving me on my own.
leaving me to die.

black is the colour of the sky when i wake up, with the broken pieces of heaven shining through. black is the colour of my coffee, as i trudge through the house trying not to spill it on the white carpet. black is how i like my room, where no light shines in anymore; the light reminds me of you. black is the colour of my bruises that line my body; i've gotten worse, i apologise. black is the colour of the ashes that fall from the **** i smoke. black is the colour of the television screen because i don't turn it on anymore. black is the colour of the streets i walk on at night, because in the day time people stare at the sad ones. black is the colour i feel, because deep down i'm awfully unhappy. black is the void i feel inside me, eating my from the inside out; tearing me to shreds. black is the colour of unhappiness. black is the colour of mourning. black is the colour of sadness. now i live in the dark, seeing the glass as half empty. everything to me is black. how could you ever like someone with a tar black soul?

red is the colour of blood that courses through your veins, pumping that blood chugging ***** in your chest known as the heart. red is the colour of your skin when you blush, like that night when i mentioned how beautiful you were in the pale moonlight. red is the colour of that dress you wore to dinner, the silk draped from your body in the most modest way, yet you looked like a queen. red is the colour of the jewels i bought you after we went window shopping; i've never seen such a pleased look on anyone. red is the colour of your lips, and when you licked them, they looked as appetising  as a cherry lollipop. red is the colour your face got when you got those candies from the boy you liked; the boy that wasn't me. red is the colour my hands got after punching the wall a plethora of times in anger. red is the colour of love. red is the colour of jealousy. red is the colour of anger. red is the colour that wasn't in your face when i last saw you, arms crossed on a bed. red is the colour that spilt from my open wounds after i received the news. red is the colour i last saw before i saw black.

one day, two days, three days, four.
did you hear me at your door?
five days, six days, seven days, eight.
you made your way to the pearly gate.
nine days, ten days, eleven days, twelve.
more and more into my heart you delve.
twelve days, eleven days, ten days, nine.
i keep telling everyone i'm fine.
eight days, seven days, six days, five.
it wouldn't matter if i were alive.
four days, three days, two days, one.
ever since you left i've been on the run.

a brunette gone blond,
with a green hat to match,
they called me link,
after the hero in the game.
just a quiet lad,
wandering the earth,
i came across a small girl.
she was around my age,
my mates called her zelda,
after the princess that needed saving.
she was a honey blonde,
cherry lips and a doll face.
fate brought us together,
and death separated us.
if i were the actual hero,
i could have saved her.
but in turn it's the hero
that needs the saving in the end.

all alone,
in a cold world.
beat up.
abandoned.
the loved ones,
all gone.
where am i to go?
home isn't a place anymore.
i'm lost.
a l o n e.
i am supposed to be the hero,
but right now,
i need to be saved.

it all started four years ago,
when she first touched my hand.
it was just a slight brush,
but it drove me crazy.
she smelled like vanilla,
and had honey like hair.
her lips were always cherry red,
and her eyes like a sunset.
she was the most beautiful creature
i have ever laid eyes upon.
from the pinnacle of her head,
to the underside of her toes.
her smile drove me insane,
her laugh shattered my heart.
but she had no idea.
i wasn't existing to her.
i left her flowers every day
at the top step of her house,
with a note reading:
beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl.
and i wasn't sure if you ever got those flowers.
but i remember one day,
you got deathly ill.
the doctors said you wouldn't make it.
so i visited the hospital,
for one last chance to see you.
when i got there,
you had a smile on your face.
you greeted me with kindness,
and you murmured sweet words,
that brought me closer to you.
and i won't ever forget you,
and the way that you spoke.
or the way your eyes crinkled on the cot.
or how you spoke my name.
you knew all those flowers were from me.
and you loved me just as i did you.
but death cut us short.
and on october 14,
we laid you in the ground,
and sometimes when i visit your grave,
i can still see your smile,
when i lay the flowers down.

light another cigarette,
place it in my mouth.
let me tell you a secret
about myself.
i lost myself in the streets,
in all those coffee shops,
in all those book stores.
in the classrooms.
in the halls of my home.
in the small of your back.
in the crook of your neck.
in the broken words --
the empty silences..
the void.
i lost myself.
or -
maybe i found myself.