And Mama said children of strength never cried in front of others, for
tears proved a lack of control. I asked, did you not cry
when you saw me for the first time? She said,
no, I restrained from screaming, and I was
relieved.
With a smile,
perhaps.

Ever since, happiness to me
is the emptying of a stuffed stomach.

Oh, yes, I liked him,
before he saw me under the light,
before his first glance landed on my forehead,
before he extended his right hand, like a gentleman,
introducing his name, where he came from – things I would love to know,
without asking me what my name was.

Oh, yes, I like him,
but why does that matter at all, while his smile
resembling the sky after each rain, his hands
with long fingers and pretty veins, his lips
curved like a cave that draws you in,
are locked into another person’s.

Oh, yes, I like him.
He thinks he knows me, not because of me,
but with his experience. Wisdom.
Empathy. All done with the touch of a glimpse.
I have thought of forgetting him,
yet my feelings for him are not strong enough.

I have fallen in love with you.

Before the end of my day, I try not to think of you, but you always come back.
There were nights when I did not think about you,
but you were always there, sleeping peacefully, somewhere behind the clouds.
Then I would not know how to react
when you came, full moon.

All I could do
was to devour your beauty
knowing that you’ll soon fade away
back into my darkened heart.

Perhaps, this is my chance
to understand you
to make you smile
to trust someone with my entire life
to not feel the danger of being someone’s mistake
Perhaps I just need to love you.

I cannot just love you.
I want you to love me too.
I want you to to feel the unfathomable happiness that I feel when I think of you
I want you to feel the pride that I feel when you amaze me being who you are
I want you to feel the calmness that I feel when you rescue my faith while others have failed me
I want you to feel the life that I feel when I know I am no longer lonely
I want you to feel love and the beautiful things it brings.

I do not want you to feel the pain inflicted on me when you are not close to me
I do not want you to feel the jealousy when someone else has a chance with you
I do not want you to feel the sadness when I realize I might never reach the moon
I do not want you to feel the fear of losing whom you want the most someday
I do not want you to feel the other side of love
it feels like the sky of those nights without you:
dark, empty, ready to fall.

But my dear, if you cannot feel the same for me,
I do not want you to love me.
I want you to find the one for you, and you both can go through something like this together, for the rest of your life.
And every time I look into the sky, no matter how it gets, I will always remember you.
So beautiful, discreet, full of hope, my only full moon.

I can only be so grateful for the new life I have
after knowing you
after knowing I have fallen in love with you
and never want to get out of it.

Are you confused when I talk to her in our language, yet
it is completely out of context, you just laugh it off because you
have no idea?

Are you confused when I do not look into your eyes, let out
a weary, wicked smile; and you think I just daydream, but
the night is already here?

Are you confused when your phone keeps ringing as if
somebody has been frustrated to hear your voice even
just for one minute, yet I just leave you there?

Are you confused when the things I used to do
for you are slowly disappearing, and your passionate questions
just hang unanswered in the air?

Are you confused when the apartment looks exactly
the same, clean and a little neater perhaps, but you can no longer
smell the aroma of my hair?

Are you confused when they ask you why we broke up,
why someone like me would leave someone like you,
and you really do not know what to share?

My dear, I was even more confused than that. I was
not myself with you any more, but when I really saw
you – I made up my mind and could not be late
for another minute.

during nights like tonight I cannot stay at my place, must find an excuse to go out.
    little sister wrote about her headache. hated this time of the day. felt like she wanted to die.
    I have that feeling too. around four to six p.m. these days, the night comes quickly.
    one friend said, ‘do not come to my city these days, the grieving sadness of the sky makes people depressed.
    I wanted to say, ‘would your city be more melancholic than mine?’
    I always pick up my walking steps, sometimes slightly scared of the people around.
    the glances colored grey, oppressed, like the reality between them and me. the distance between us.
    our hearts do not seem to bear any resemblance.
    I am loyal to someone, devote my admiration to only him, do not want to look at anybody else, do not want to think of anyone else.
    yet do not love him.
    do not feel comfortable unfolding my heart to him. do not really trust him.
    since my first breath, I cannot fully trust others, perhaps as much as ninety-nine percent.
    due to the remaining one percent, never have I ever been able to love a person.
    the first glimpse of love already comes with the guilt of betrayal.
    because of one percent.
    I meet a friend, laugh, talk, and have dinner.
    before ordering food I already imagine its flavor in my mouth.
    suddenly just want to close my eyes
    forget about all of this.
    perhaps, after six p.m.,
    when darkness emerges,
    I will be slightly more cheerful.
    collect some happiness, some hope,
    no need for anything extravagant,
    bringing me from one moment to the next safely.
    because of a little of the unnamed things,
    because of one percent that has not been given,
    I have many times saved myself from
    the wheels that move so fast.
    the every day that passes by so fast.
    only my despair,
    so slow