And so I learned to love the night
Not for it's peace and darkness,
But for the small infinite lights
Splattered across the void

Tell me one more real story
Before the world fades to black
And we all wake up white plastic.

Tell me one more real story
Before my hair grows bleach blonde
And this becomes yet another Hollywood classic.

Are there any more real lives?
Or has it just become boy meets girl
We'll fall in love while the sun sets.

Are there any more real lives,
Or are we becoming scripted shadows
We'll waste time paying other people's debts.

Please don't let me fall asleep
Can't live that cliché life
Want to write my own story

Please don't let me fall asleep
Can't lose control of myself
Want to dictate every detail

So tell me one more real story
Are there anymore real lives?
Please don't let me fall asleep
What is real?

I.
Thoughts drip into short coffee mugs
Sweetly filling our cups with caffeinated experiences
We patiently sip
Until the steam transports us back in time
Pure memories replay, different scenes over coffee

II.
We must not weep over spilt milk
For our tears will dilute the contents of our mugs
And no amount of sugar or love
Can restore the substance to its original perfection

III.
Savor new tastes before the lazy hand
Drips synthetic liquids into our untended cups
Like IVs into coma patients
Pumping us full of fake chemicals
To soothe the human condition

It's funny
You always want it to end
The other way
Either really fast
Or really slow
But still you walk away
And it's always declared the same
Totaled

Sometimes you just need a good cry
Tears of joy, of pain, of fear
Plastic bottles of pent up emotions
Draining down the peaks and valleys
Washing away the masks from our faces
And as we wipe the smudges from below our eyes
You can feel the sun warming you again

There are no ends or beginnings
Only cycles, like the rain

It's interesting
There are some places
Where I can stand
Perfectly still
Close my eyes
And you're all around me

Your eyes reach into my soul
Stirring up emotions
Rising through the emptiness
Occupying my chest
I grin, opening my eyes
And you're gone

Feel your hands grasp my shoulders
Head thrown back
I fall out of reality
And back in love with your smile
Then your grip slips away
And I'm staring into space again

Left with only the stars

We share the same spaces
Yet never together
I'm always slightly late
Catching only your essence
Melting like ice cream in my hands
Taking bits of your memory with it

But still we steal quiet touches in the dark
Lost moments
Like messages on foggy windows
Fingertips caressing glass
Hurriedly writing words before it all

Fades

Found your letter today
The one you thought I burned
Along with your clothes and pictures

It was tucked away
Between my bed and wall
Must have spiraled down
After slipping through my fingers
Sliding due to the sudden moisture
Spilling out of my eyes
I always cry when reminded of who you used to be

You rambled in the beginning
Your words jammed together
Slanted and shaky

Told me about your new cleats
I knew you didn't really like soccer
But you did it for me

Wrote all the stats from your baseball game
And explained in parentheses what each meant
Because you wanted to share your sport with me too

Wrote about the new Harry Potter movie
Because you knew I hadn't seen it and wanted to know
Made plans to see it together as soon as I came home.

It's a shame we never did
Your words then grew farther apart
And I can still faintly see the eraser marks

You tell me you miss me
You're counting down the days till I come home
You're sorry you missed my call, but to please call again soon

The thickest smudges are above your name
You settled for see you soon
Put a heart next to your name

P.S. write back soon

I sometimes wonder
If I had made that call
Or written a letter

Would things have been different for the next two years?
Would you still love me?
Would you've not doubted me?

Or were we destined for failure from the start?

I miss you.
Not just your face, or the security of knowing you love me.
I just miss the feeling of being next to you.
The warmth radiating from you in waves.
Sliding into the small spaces between us.
Filling in the emptiness.

You don't get that with everyone
Even in a hug I can still feel where I end and they begin
No melting into one another
My cheek feels wrong against their shoulder
But still I hold on longer anyway
Wishing it was you.

I miss the rustle of the sheets

When you turn over in the middle of the night.

The feel of your hot breath on my neck.

I want the stubble on your chin to graze my skin

As you kiss me gently on the shoulder. 

And when I whisper "goodnight,"
I need you to draw me close
So I can finally sleep

The stifling darkness chokes my senses to the point at which I can't differentiate between the sounds of water dropping from branches and the moisture falling from the edge of my chin onto the crumpled leaves strewn around my feet. 

Crickets and assorted bugs I couldn't dream of naming pierce the dark with their high-pitched keening, and the occasional large displacement of rainwater from above reminds me of my childhood fear of the dark. 
These methodical observations cascading through my mind calm the frazzled maelstrom my emotions currently resemble. 

The borrowed boots I threw on, before flinging the door open to make my escape into the dark alternate reality of the night, confine my feet in an unusual way; my toes slamming into the fronts as I walk downhill; the soles of my feet slide back and forth as I trip over the branches and stumps hidden from my eyes by the thick blindfold of night.

I crumple, much like the leaves at my feet, onto a slightly damp fallen tree and close my eyes; more from habit than to block out the non-existent light. The bark feels somewhat grimy under the hand I recline upon, but the chaos gripping my mind occupies my attention; therefore I have no brain capacity to decide if the slimy surface warrants a relocation on my part. 

I direct my full attention inward and examine my uncharacteristically jumbled emotional cloud. Angry reds and blacks flash into exisitence, before extinguishing to reveal sickly yellow veins underneath before lighting again. As the time between the red and black explosions increases, a melancholy dark blue smog coats the inner recesses of my mind like a fuzzy wallpaper and rug combo. The cloud of emotion has dissipated, leaving only dark green wisps of calm in it's wake.

This writing seems to have calmed my inner turmoil; I accept the loss of a piece of me and mourn it's destruction. I'm left without the energy to pick up the artistic utensils I would use to recreate this piece sacrificed against my will. 

Hopefully, I will regain the motivation in the morning. But for now, I shall make my way back through the slick stumps and crumpled leaves to my bed and pass the time till then in dreams.

I like maps
Sometimes spread them across my room
Covering the floor and bed
Then study the curves and bends
Tracing the little lines of blue and black
Like when I explored your face

When snow collects outside the window
I close my eyes, become Sweden
As you bend like Norway
So once again you would be
Pressed against my spine
Two shapes fit to each other

I remember glancing up
At you while driving in circles
Just to get away
Could see in your eyes
You weren't here
Oh no, not this town, this state, this time zone

But you came back eventually
With an apologetic smile
A quiet, nervous laugh
You always left me hanging
In this small town
While off in your own world

You're actually gone now
Left my safe haven of strewn paper
And fully moved into a new world
One that doesn't just occupy your mind
Making your own maps
And following them with your feet

Lying on my map-covered floor
I place one finger where I've always been
And one across the line where you are now
Only inches apart
Close enough to reach out
To bridge the gap and touch

Then I remember the scale
Sitting down in the corner
Telling me inches are a hundred miles
Lines are boundaries
And I've no business
Attempting to cross either

What is it about maps
And wide expanses
That touches my soul

Maybe it is that we are all maps
Some easily unfolded, some tightly rolled
Just wanting to be opened and explored

I’m begging to explore you
Trace each contour, feel the rising and falling
And etch your body in my mind

There’s this need to get as close as possible
To lounge within the confines of your arms
Learning what tectonic experiences created the landscape of your mind

But at the same time
Who am I,
To lay claim to any piece of you

You rival the greatest unknown places
Shrouded in mystery
Obscured by great distances and wide empty spaces

And even I
So small and naïve with my ball of string
Know the dangers of this endeavor

Something pulls my mind into focus
Feel the urge to glance up
Your eyes reach into my soul
I grin, then blink
You're gone

Feel your hands grasp my shoulders
Head falling back
Our eyes connect
Then your grip slips away
And I'm staring into space again

We openly gaze across rooms
But never speak in public
The rule unspoken
Is it mine or yours?
Just know it's been here all along

So we steal quiet touches in the dark
Moments
Like messages on foggy windows
Fingertips caressing glass
Hurriedly writing words before it fades

We share the same space
Yet never together
Waiting for the day
We both can come clean
To the ones who judge us most

Tonight
there are no dreams to comfort me
no moments of sleep
no escape from my thoughts

You creep into my room
roll me across the pillows
till I'm face down
mouth full of feathers

Screaming through the silence
I pray for the day to end
begging for the emptiness
the solitude of sleep

Dawn breaks long after my tears dried
and I'm left watching the light
clutching the sheets to my chin
eyes blank and mind lost

Hello again, Insomnia

Someone once told me
"My love for you knows no bounds"
And I think about that sometimes.
Bounds
Boundaries
Bindings
Constraints

Love is like a wild animal
Madness and emotion
Expanding outward
Reaching towards infinite
But when the countdown begins
And it finds itself racing
Racing towards a wall with nothing beyond

It can't help but to slam on the brakes
And halt

Our love is like a jawbone
On a frail patient
With cancer of the bone
On the outside, it seems normal
But underneath, the brittle sponge
Deteriorates to dust, until the whole thing
Separates, exposing the lie
No therapy can fix it

They say exercising helps
So we run our mouths
At each other till
Your well-aimed words
Shatter everything

What would you eat?
Maybe these plastic grapes
To feed your equally plastic personality.
Or would you choose the unfamiliar mushrooms
In the hope of ending this lie?
Either way, it's time to face the music,
Drape your tail over your arm,
Uncover your devil horns.
You're no angel,
And pretending will only make matters worse.
So sharpen your pitchfork,
Heed my words.
Life has to be a burning hell before you realize
You enjoy the warmth.

There's not a single taste that will ever compare
To the strawberries we picked down the bank near the birch tree grove.
Remember how small they were?
Squishy in our hands, staining them red.
Resembled the red bloodstains that adorn our palms now.
Everything's slowing fading to black, and all I can see is the sun refracting off the broken glass strewn around us.
That must be what the pinpricks of pain smattered across the back of my body is. 
Glass shards carving into me. 
Do you feel those too? 
Or are you occupied by the gaping hole in your chest? 
Look, I have one too. 
Now we're twins. 
Feel their fingers rifling through my pockets, searching for diamonds and gold but coming up with gum wrappers and lint. 
Was that you coughing up liquid? 
I can't quite see anymore. 
But I can still feel. 
I think. 
I don't know. 
I think it's cold. 
Can you feel it too? 
But it's not like the chill you feel when the shower suddenly goes cold. 
This cold creeps, undetected, from your toes up. 
Crawling through your veins to your heart. 
And your brain. 
Not quite sure which one it reaches first. 
I'll tell you when it happens. 
Or you tell me. 
Whoever has it happen first should warn the other, ok? 
Baby? 
Can you hear me? 
Do you feel cold? 
Hello? 
Answer me! 
Wait. 
I feel it now. 
It's your heart.
It's the heart it reaches first.
I feel like someone's ripped it out and replaced it with a clump of snow. 
Baby, please warm it like you warmed my hands that night we got lost out in the woods. 
Because this doesn't feel right. 
I don't think we were made to live like this. 
I don't think I can keep....

To you I was 
A perfect statue
Features defined
Unchangeable 
Then stones were thrown too hard
And I broke for you

Shattered to bits
Never the same
A new creation
All yours
Exactly what you needed
But not what you wanted

I am to you
Just a photograph
One in a stack
Unchanging
Available
Whenever you wish

Corners tattered
From many travels
Rain or shine
In your pocket
Placed right over your heart
Until you change your shirt

To you I will be
Always a safe place
To hide and cry
Scream out
Destroy walls and break glass
Till you stand taller

Rising from rubble
Shaking off dust
You walk away
Refreshed
Able to face the world
Leaving me to wait

I wish to me
You were nothing