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lillian Oct 2010
I hear the sound
Pain
Disguised with thin sighs of pleasure
It is an angry sound
Pent up rage
Sadness
Excitement
Never stopping once but its hurting so bad but there is no rest
These things don’t last
They never do
I try not to smile because I know it is almost over
The night is ending
I lie in your lap and let it go
Until you can’t focus
I plead with you but I am silent
I wish that you’d understand
Don’t go yet, you told me you would be there this time.
You said.
The dull sound on the other end of this conversation
Leaves me with trembling wrists
Confusion
Doubt
Confusion
Resentment
ANGER BECAUSE I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THIS AT ALL
Tell me why you must still play this game.
Or drain me
Until there is nothing left here
lillian Oct 2010
Life moves so fast I can’t stop to think a second, just to take it in and let it sink and become reality. We are moving in a single frame, running between bodies, our hearts laced. You watch me watching you and the sweet, pulsing, bursting excitement in our souls, growing every new sunset towards the day we are released, set free. Hold my hand and pull me into the sky with you. My legs are carrying me across freeways and through tall fields of grass, my brain rattles in its cage. Floating, gliding body take control! Tell me where I’m going, who has pulled me here? I’ve repeated his words again and again inside. Are they clear yet? He coaxes me into his dreams, into a secret place where the sun rises later, the rain falls longer, the air stays sweeter, where we can be together and alone. The evening lights blur together and I’m sinking. He heats me like a fire in the twilight, ignites me like spiralling sparks, like neon flies. Kisses me like I’ve never been hurt, like he knows exactly how he is making me feel. He runs and I chase him sometimes, he stops just before I can catch him sometimes. He will let me fall into him, feeling me just to make sure it’s all real. Everything is real. Too fast, too crazy, too sweet to be real. But I can feel you, you can feel me too. So we live the reality until the magic runs thin.
lillian Oct 2010
It is always dark outside when I see your face
Your wide eyes glisten against the moon
I keep my hands folded, my ankles crossed
My body twitches in confusion
Time passes and I ease into a comfortable, careful state
The first time you kiss me is always the sweetest
Never lasts long, but drowns out the sound of car tires and fluctuating voices if only for a moment
I search for signs in the way you brush an arm against my back
Signs of what I can’t expect
Signs of what I want to expect
Staring into you as long as I can, until my gaze shifts past you
You toy with me; tease me as if this is a game.
As if I am a game.
We walk together
You talk to me, I talk to the sidewalk
You make me want to burst
Something about the way that you never seem to care in the way everyone else would
If I stood up and walked away, you wouldn’t come after me
Something about that frustrates me, but makes me want to stay
Never go home
I know I should let it go, let it fade into unfulfilled memories
Before I hurt
I know that every step I take will pull me down
I know that
But I listen beyond a melody, to the mumbling verses I can’t yet understand
For signs
I’m always searching for signs
lillian Aug 2010
Naïveté
She thought she understood the world because she was in love. Here, her future lies before her, picture perfect and happily ever after.

Stupid girl.
She thought that love meant abandonment; she left her whole life behind and followed him wherever he chose to take her. She thought love meant obedience; she smiled silently as his words burned into her mind. You don’t need anything, I’ll give you everything. She watched life pass her by. She thought love meant forever; stupid girl, nothing is forever.

Nothing
Is what became of love as she knew it. He left her, and she fell to her knees and cried because she felt broken. He walked away, told her she needed to grow up. She was so small. She tried to apologize, to follow him and hold him tight until he threw her away. This is for the best. But love is for always, forever!

Forever does not exist
She felt pain until the sun set on the summer, until the leaves floated from the trees. But she has grown, grown and woken up. She’s free and she gets into danger, runs and lives on the run, on the fly. She follows her heart.

Now, she is strong
She is smart. She knows to never love that way again, to never put her whole heart into anything again. She will not be broken again. She tore away from pain; she left it far behind her. Look at the way she smiles as if she’s never been told that she’s not loved anymore. Look at the way she smiles as if she’s never had to start over, forget her past, and free herself.

And I’m so proud of her

— The End —