He is ancient steadfast
I am sure he was here when the world was created
I am sure he will be here when it ends
His gentle face carved with hard lines
He poured forth knowledge in his native Persian tongue
He called me Shohre
I learned it was his sister's name
He looked at me like a granddaughter and treated me just as sweet

“Ghabl az enghalab...”
Before the revolution...
After which would follow painful reminiscing of
The days before the current regime
When wine bubbled out from Shiraz
Men and women danced late into the night
And soft voices wove love songs in street cafes

“Ghabl az enghalab moalem dar daneshgah boodam.”
Before the revolution I was a university professor.
“Yeki az daneshjooyanam Ahmedinejad bood.”
One of my students was Ahmedinejad.
And in English, clear as hate,
“He was a *******.”

One night I stayed back for extra lessons
We ate cherries from Costco and
Read excerpts from his autobiography
Pages crafted from right to left, vignettes of
His military service in Mashhad
And consequent teaching career

“Ba'ad az enghalab...”
After the revolution...
Was always followed with war stories
Political dissidents lost to Evin prison
Sharia law imposed on moderate minds
Escaping Iran by night with a phony visa

“Ba'ad az enghalab dar ketabkhane bayad kar konam”
After the revolution I had to work in the library.
“Khoastam yad bedahm, pas man o zanam be Amrika raftim.”
I wanted to teach, so my wife and I came to America.
He has not been home since 1981.

On December third of 2009 he walked smugly into the classroom
Setting a tape player happily on a desk.
He opened a folder from right to left
Produced a well-worn cassette
And played Happy Birthday, in Persian, for me.
He smiled at me with hands folded throughout the song
As I’d imagine he had smiled at
All the other special women in his life named Shohre.

He never played Happy Birthday for any of the other students.
Or gave them cherries,
Or went to their weddings,
Or held them while they cried when their grandfather died.
I do not know what he saw in me
But in each other we found family years and miles away from home.

You haunted us as you were haunted
Spectres spreading from your head
To your heart
To your hands
To the souls of your daughters and son.
You were haunted
Hunted
Hounded by demons of your own creation
Reality slipping,  spiraling slowly
Out and away
Grasping at lucidity
Groping for clarity
Desperate for breath in the growing vacuum
Of your world.

We spread your ashes at Brandy Creek
Three generations went into the woods
And two came back.
We took you to the waterfall
Poured you like milk
Spreading cloudy white into the earth
We took you to the dogwood
On the creek bed
In the shelter of a wise and fallen oak
Covered you like a sleeping baby with leaves
We took you to the stump by the rock
Overlooking the creek
Spread you like wishes in its gut
And prayed for new life from your remains.
We exorcised you in Whiskeytown
Spread your head and heart and hands
And broke you free of the bounty on your soul.

my dream
is for my little fingers
to make little words
that softly say
the biggest loudest ugliest things
and for little hearts
and little minds
to maybe lend a little ear
and maybe grow a little

i wish you could see him how i see him
in the early morning without my glasses
blurred around the edges
buttoning his shirt with eyes half-open
or with one hand on the steering wheel
focused mostly on the red light
but also on the garden caught
between the synapses in his mind
i wish you could see him how i see him
storm clouds tumbling in his eyes
also rolling overhead
and the mercury falls ten degrees
and the skies break and he pours out
and my cup runneth over
i wish you could see him how i see him
at once a child lost in the grocery store
and a king on horseback charging into battle
at once a boulder with moss on the north side
and a wet, ****** heart
i wish you could see him how i see him

when I’m gone tie a yellow ribbon round your heart
weave it tenderly as your fingers through my hair
wrap it round round round tightly keep me close
keep me in your skin keep me in your bones

blood is on this page
dripping deliberately from delicate fingertips
begging for a closer inspection than the cursory
begging for understanding
don't you know these words are flesh?
pressed from the ash of my bones

what if i were a blonde bombshell

would it be different if i changed

would it be a little better

could i be a pulse on your radar

a blip on the screen

a little bit of static flipping through the channels

or maybe just me

could i have a place in line

a moment of your time

would it be different if i changed?

patient yet forlorn on saint valentine's day

I feel
Used up
Cleaned out
Thrown away
Cast aside
Discarded
Exploited
Exploited
Exploited
Like twenty-two years
Of making myself a beautiful person
Was only for others to grab at
And pilfer
At will.

I never knew my pleasure
Was at the whim of animals
Of worms and wolves and vultures.
I never knew I had to ask
Permission
To live my life unsoiled.
May I?
May I be loved?
May I be appreciated and accepted?
May I trust?
May I have sole ownership of my body?

Someone pillaged my temple.
It is now closed
For demolition
And subsequent reconstruction.
It will be rebuilt
With steel bars and security guards.
No longer do I love freely and unabashedly.
No longer do I trust others
Or myself.

I have sewn my own head
Back into place
To stick my neck out again.
I now wear the stitches
As a trophy
As a medal
As a warning
As a threat
That I will never let you befriend me
I will never let you touch me
I will never let you in
I will never let you close
I will never let you hurt me
I will never let you **** me
Again.

All I wanted was a cigarette.
We weren't allowed to smoke.
He knew where to go.

We swept sidewalks together.
Raked sand together.
Talked about life together.

His window was across from mine.
I think he saw me changing once.
Maybe more than once.

He was getting dishonorably discharged.
I didn't think he was a good man.
I didn't think he was a bad one, either.

It had been two weeks since I landed in Monterey.
I only wanted a cigarette.
He knew where to go.

I bought the Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin.
He carried them with him to his room.
I didn't think anything of it.

We raked sand together.
We ate lunch together.
We watched movies together.

We sat on a makeshift bench by the ditch by the installation fence.
We drank and smoked and laughed.
I taught him Farsi and he taught me Russian.

Russian for "hello" and "goodbye."
Russian for "This is allowed."
Russian for "This is not allowed."

I think he saw me changing once.
He tried to kiss me on the cheek.
I told him no, my boyfriend wouldn't like that very much.

We smoked some more.
We drank some more.
We laughed some more.

It was 2130.
I had to be in my room by 2200.
He said not to worry, I'd be back in time.

I insisted and tried to leave.
I fell to the ground.
He didn't help me up.

I only wanted a cigarette.
He kissed me on the mouth.
I did not kiss him back.

I was immobile.
Paralyzed.
Drugged?

He kissed me again.
And again.
And again.

I did not kiss him back.
I had a boyfriend.
All I wanted was to smoke and drink and laugh.

He grabbed me by the ankles.
Pulled me over the ditch behind the army barracks by the installation fence.
I could hear soldiers coming back to their rooms.

I was paralyzed.
I always thought I would fight.
Fend him off with car keys stuffed between my fingers.

I looked up at the tree branches above me, my watch said 2147.
That was the last time I prayed to God.
There were leaves in my hair and dirt on my arms.

There was something less than a man between my legs.
It looked at me with hate in its eyes.
We swept sidewalks together.

God kicked back and swigged a PBR
     while I was ***** behind the army barracks,
     over the ditch by the installation fence.

He helped me up.
I couldn't stand on my own.
How sweet.

I vomited by a tree.
I was disgusted with myself and him and God.
I wanted to drown in Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin.

He walked me to my barracks building.
How sweet.
I made it to my room by 2200.

All the girls watched me stumble down the hallway.
I was so violently alone.
Taps wailed outside the window.

I left my hat by the bench by the ditch by the installation fence.
He brought it to me the next morning.
How sweet.

You will die and I am sorry.
I will die and I hope you will be sorry, too.
I and you and so will she,
And so he will and so and so sorry.
We will breathe and our breath will
catch.

Fill your lungs with your hand on your belly,
it may be the last time.

They and we will breathe until we don't.
It is many days the only thing she can do
to keep from sinking.
One day you will sink and I will be
sorry for not holding your hand tightly enough.
For not saying "Say that again but let me look into your eyes this time."
Sorry so many hands held your head down instead
of pulling you through.

I cut a cucumber wrong and I bled.
So sorry he is so fragile, the skin is so soft.
We are so soft, so gentle, so wet on
the other side of the skin.
He is so sorry he is so soft he should have
been sorry should have been harder than
the asphalt harder than his anger
he should have been sorry so
soft so vulnerable so much
softer than his heart.

You will bleed and I am sorry.
We will bleed and ache from the sun and from
invisible beings we are just starting to
understand.
Understand she is just as soft as you.
Understand she also breaks so much so
easily under pressure under the weight of
your femur.
Understand that not a single one of us has
been loved enough and will still rip
when you drag us along the highway.

I caught the table with my thigh and
my skin bloomed with a sick purple puddle but
it could have been his boot or his baton.
Or his fist or his gun or his so so sorry heart.
Life is so hard and I am sorry.
I am sorry that we are the problem,
that you cannot fill your lungs and
feel her drowning. I am so sorry that
you are too angry to feel your own weak
fleshy body over the under, that you are
too hard so detached from your softness,
that you have been loved so little that
you have become so little in the face of fear.

He and she and we are dead and I am sorry.
That the people that prey think they
are too hard to bleed and that they will
never read this and never learn about
their own softness. I am sorry that we are
killing ourselves instead of lions or
old age or some disease that you can only
get from breathing too deeply.

I never looked you in the eye and held
your hand and listened to you breathe
and I am sorry.

Hi
I'm 26
I have a really pretty face and thick legs
I've read all your books
And not that you'd care
You're dead
I don't want to *******
But I want you to know
That nothing makes me feel
Worse for someone
Than when they act
Like nothing's wrong
And I think
That's partially your fault.

There is change that is certain.
The earth slowly shifting,
The sky slowly shifting.
Seven billion universes
Rotating around each of us,
Each one of us an axis.
The recurring misalignment,
Collisions, and revisions of
Our orbiting bodies
Shape the illusion of stability
Hanging from our celestial ceiling.

I did not expect to come home
To an empty house,
My family's effects removed
Like the leftovers of an evicted tenant.
I am a stranger here,
In this room where I became a woman.
This room that exalted and imprisoned me
No longer offers solace.

Litter, that upon closer inspection
Reveals a mosaic of my childhood
Is spinning.
The pieces of my past
Are spinning
Out and away,
Gravitating towards a larger body.

The car I drove to a stranger's house
To get ****** instead of going
To dinner with my family
Now belongs to another.
The dresser that kept my underwear
In the top drawer
For twenty years
Discarded and lain in the gutter.
The walls which I painted
The most neon shade of green
In an act of adolescent rebellion
Are now covered over
In rental home white
To attract the widest audience
Of potential tenants.

The floor is slipping out from beneath me,
The ceiling lifting and floating away.
New additions to my orbital debris.

This place,
Disassembled.
Each part
Far more significant than the whole.
This house
Will never again be a home.
If I had stayed,
Would the gravity of my presence
Have been enough to keep it together?

Were any of these parts
Part of my universe in the first place?

i miss i miss i miss...
to wit: you.
you brought me candy once
we were in a different world then
things were more honest then
oceans away from reality
you were wary of a ring i was
struggling to remove.
i stayed up late sometimes
so i could see you when you landed
did you notice?
it was silly.
it's still silly.
after a year we thought it was a different world
"rare"
you said. i know.

it was easy
i felt easy
things are easy around you
you fell asleep on my stomach and i
wanted
to live in that moment.
i want to go back to that moment
i felt you ease into sleep.
i fell into something then
i hope it was just you
it's silly to think it could be anything bigger
than the two of us napping on the couch.

this place is silence
roaring silence
helicopter blades chopping through
the whine of incoming mortars
silence deafening over the
shuffle of boots kicking gravel
barely holding together the grit
that covers the ground
the grit
that covers the toyota hiluxes
the radios the windows the lights
the beds
the grit that fills our mouths
as we whisper in the dark
rustling silence as we whisper
dark secrets
movements and code names and equipment and
just how long were those explosives buried
this place is blood
a decade's worth of
my brother's blood pouring
through the wadis in the desert in the dark
ten years of my brother's blood
dripping from our fingers
every death a stain on our fingertips
as if we pulled the trigger ourselves
a millennium of blood
dried on these mountains
the geography screaming secrets of its past
begging us to go

Over the clamor of the generators
The incessant roar like a hungry crowd
Your voice is lost
Dying over the sands
Wavering, beaten by Atlantic waves.
I can't hear your whisper
Over the din of foreign motors
Over the persistent pounding of
Pratt & Whitneys.
Your hellos are lost to me,
You have to scream
Over the home-bound rotator wailing
I can't hear you in the cabin
The distance is so great between
Your side of the bed
And mine
Raise your voice over the void
I've been calling to you for years
But the continued return of echos
Seem like your distant shadow
Is a mirage
You have to scream

Every day I rise from the ashes
of my own pack of Marlboros
and climb, fingernails cracked and bleeding
clawing for the next hold,

higher higher higher.

I look down and see my feet
inches above the ground
and collapse in cold flame
backward on the bed.

I knew you were home
Before you walked in the door
There's no room for you here sweetie
I'm so sorry sweetie
I had to send you away before
You unpacked your bags
You won't be happy here sweetie
I'm so sorry sweetie

Me and the other girls
We woke up at dawn
We carried you to the river sweetie
The weight of you was pressing
Heavy footprints in the dirt
We waited for the boat man
To take you back sweetie

Me and the other girls
We didn't really want to
But we did what we had to sweetie
It's really what was best
As the boat man pulled you
From my arms sweetie
A dozen and a half roses took your place

Me and the other girls
We left a rose wherever we rested
On our journey back home sweetie
Our feet were lighter
But our hearts were heavier
We dropped rose petals for days
We will drop tears for the rest of our lives
Sweetie

I loved you, yes.

Once

You soothed me cool cool water on a burn
You rocked me gently napping in your arms
     resting in a sunlit motel room.

I grew to love your company
The simple existence of a warm body in the same room
To desire your lazily listening ear
I learned to lust for shapes that did not my body fill
To moan for groan for
Forced tessellations roughly holding down my hips
     in demeaningly false passion.

I loved you once
But was quickly weighted left hand bending
     toward the dirt under the ceiling of your bed chamber
          “My love do not leave me you
          cannot leave me you will
          never leave me you will learn
          to love me hunchbacked lonely.
          My love my sweet my dear.

          My pet.                                       “

I drowned in the heat of your sweat
Filling my lungs bursting with salt
Filling my organs with your clammy salt
Curing my love bitter shriveling dried my heart
     preserved for future consumption no longer
     pumping warm blood bleeding aching no longer
     throbbing stinging longing soaked in blood
     no longer beating .buhduhn.buhduhn.buhduhn.
     living bleeding my heart no longer pouring
     sweet blood from her mouth into thirsty veins.
A cured lump of jerky fell from my breast
     onto the floor and I looked on indifferent as the dog
     took it in his mouth.

I loved you once
I sobbed childish little girl confused in your absence
Upon your return arms vines twisting clinging
     to your steady torso
Flowering my gently parting lips eager to pour forth
     my nectar into your life to sweeten
     your life
I only wanted to be sweet for you.
You unearthed me chopping roots clinging
     desperately to cool moist earth
You unearthed me peeling tendrils from your walls
     wrapping me in a ball and tenderly bringing
     me inside through the side door
You unearthed me dropping me in a too small ***
Pruning pruning roughly trimming flowers falling
     to the floor I only wanted to be sweet for you
     now daily thirsting in your window nectar
     no longer flows now daily drying my leaves
     soft plush foliage bursting green browns
     falls crisp to the table I only wanted to
     be sweet for you now daily dying browning
     petals fall from my cheeks to the table and
     I wilt as the cat takes them in her mouth.

You loved me once.

EYES
two three four
RIGHT
two three four
The commands still fresh in my head
     we piled on the bus before dawn.
On the way to the airport I took off my
     glasses and put in contact lenses that
     had been sitting in a closet for eight weeks.
It felt good to look like myself again.

I would never be myself again.

I saw the sun rise in Phoenix, dawning
     on my new life. Warm March morning
     seeping through terminal windows
     waiting for our connecting flight. We
     paced in anticipation.

Pacing. Pacing. Pacing. Waiting. Boarding.

Landing.

Surrounded by smiling, welcoming faces
     and yet instantly alone. I had too many
     bags and had to carry them up three flights
     of stairs by myself. It was late. I didn't
     make my bed in the morning.

I got yelled at.

I was instantly alone.
In this shining bright dawn on a brand new
     age sun warm on my face fog cool on
     my skin

I was instantly violently terrifyingly alone.
And I would never be myself again.

Meet me in Valhalla
When the battle's done
The cries of enemies long slain
Have faded one by one
Hold my hand, brave brother
As our glory's crowned in blood
The sword strikes deep but still
Our souls will rise above the mud
O warrior, our destiny was
To fall in foreign lands
Within our veins flow rivers strange
Our mouths pour forth with sand
We do not fear the bitter dark
That waltzes round our eyes
Hold my hand, brave brother
Led by the Valkyrie we die
We march on toward golden shields
To fight under burning suns
Meet me in Valhalla
When the battle's won

swimming more like
flailing
floating idly sometimes
drowning
drag me down
down down down
davy, drag me down

as i sat cross legged in my dorm room,
the dawn lazily waking,
hugging my solid metal wastebasket
emptying the contents of my bad decisions
into its yawning mouth
lurching forward with each violent reminder
of every feeble drowning
of every bitter memory
i realized

only squares have trashcans with holes in them.

my dog lies on the concrete patio
pink belly up
the fresh alabama sun cooking the air
draped solid over us like a wet blanket.

he is not part of my reality
he cares not for tardiness
or three-day-leg-stubble
or cleaning the lint trap.

i ache to be a part of his
pink belly up
only stirring to watch the children
play across the street.

i play life hoping to win
could i win
i've never played before
i've never prayed before
i've never payed my dues before
could i win
if i decided to
could i win
if i wanted to
if i tried to
if i had to
could i win
if i stepped outside
said here i am come and get me
i'll take you on
one by two by three
could i fulfill my prophecy
could i check the king
and one day go home
medaled to the teeth
followed by the victory march
marching for the victory
of me

if i could define my success
could i reach it
if i could see
the potential inside of me
could i reach it
could i play life before it plays me
**** the killer
cheat the cheater
meet my maker and make him cry
could i reach the top of the pole
before i die
if i tried my hand at something new
would i know what i was looking for
would i know what i needed
would i know who to call
would i know if i had succeded
would i know anything at all
would i know my limits
would i know where the boundaries end
would i know its highest honor
but if i did
could i reach it
could i touch it
would i be able to see it
with my own two eyes
would i be able to hear it
calling out my name
calling me to rise
could i reach my dreams
if they were impossible
falling apart at the seams
and far too heavy in whim
but someday catch them
and one day win

take me by the hand
tour me 'round, sights unseen
take me to the twisted annals of your hometown
show me the back doors
and best tables of all your favorite places
take me by the hand and show me
show me
show me what it means
to walk the streets of your city
to look outside your window
and pray
destroy my misconceptions
and ***** your retrospections
build a city of you in me

i taste
like smoke
like the seven hours i’ve spent
lying on my living room floor
awake
listening to traffic.

i smell
like smoke
like a pack a day in the heat and rain
inhaling something
intangible.

you are
fresh air
breathing hope into my lungs
lifting me off of the rental home brown
carpet

creak and crash
a hundred yards from my bunk
dumb metal falls
following its unsupervised trajectory

i have a helmet i do not wear
they always fall while i'm sleeping
INCOMING
INCOMING
INCOMING
taking the place of being
gently woken by my dog's cold nose
on my neck

legends in our flesh
we are our scars
ancient mythology in constellations
can you read my fate
in my banged up knuckles
unlock my secrets
oracle of wounds

Unplug me, please.
I wish I had never moved into the 21st century.
Take away my TV, please.
I can't handle the ennui it brings.
Take away my phone, please.
I don't want to be reached.
Leave me a message, slipped under my front door.
Hand write me a letter and put it in my mailbox.
If it's important wait on my porch, I'll be home soon.
I want my news from the paper,
My correspondence face to face.
The world is already right outside my door,
Why do I need it at my fingertips?

why is
the way your hands wrap around my name
the gentlest whisper
why is
the way my hand towel smells like your cologne
the cruelest heaven
why is
your absence, your space
the air where your chest should be

Will this pass?
Will my feelings flicker and fade
Until they are
A dying star on the edge of the
Universe?
Only when time stops and the moon drops out of the sky
Or maybe if…
No. Never.
Love me forever
And I’ll love you to the end of the earth

We have been woven
And we are spinning
Spinning
Please
I know we will unravel
But weave on back to me
Take your time
Find your place
Please let it be right next to me
Life will spin on without you
Without your smile or your touch
Life will be woven on without you
But the way that you say "love"
Makes this so much harder than it could be

@myex
u think im selfish
#sorry
i guess it is pretty selfish
to expect to not get *****
while u sleep
#sorrynotsorry