EYES
two three four
RIGHT
two three four
The commands still fresh in my head
     we piled on the bus before dawn.
On the way to the airport I took off my
     glasses and put in contact lenses that
     had been sitting in a closet for eight weeks.
It felt good to look like myself again.

I would never be myself again.

I saw the sun rise in Phoenix, dawning
     on my new life. Warm March morning
     seeping through terminal windows
     waiting for our connecting flight. We
     paced in anticipation.

Pacing. Pacing. Pacing. Waiting. Boarding.

Landing.

Surrounded by smiling, welcoming faces
     and yet instantly alone. I had too many
     bags and had to carry them up three flights
     of stairs by myself. It was late. I didn't
     make my bed in the morning.

I got yelled at.

I was instantly alone.
In this shining bright dawn on a brand new
     age sun warm on my face fog cool on
     my skin

I was instantly violently terrifyingly alone.
And I would never be myself again.

i miss i miss i miss...
to wit: you.
you brought me candy once
we were in a different world then
things were more honest then
oceans away from reality
you were wary of a ring i was
struggling to remove.
i stayed up late sometimes
so i could see you when you landed
did you notice?
it was silly.
it's still silly.
after a year we thought it was a different world
"rare"
you said. i know.

it was easy
i felt easy
things are easy around you
you fell asleep on my stomach and i
wanted
to live in that moment.
i want to go back to that moment
i felt you ease into sleep.
i fell into something then
i hope it was just you
it's silly to think it could be anything bigger
than the two of us napping on the couch.

Over the clamor of the generators
The incessant roar like a hungry crowd
Your voice is lost
Dying over the sands
Wavering, beaten by Atlantic waves.
I can't hear your whisper
Over the din of foreign motors
Over the persistent pounding of
Pratt & Whitneys.
Your hellos are lost to me,
You have to scream
Over the home-bound rotator wailing
I can't hear you in the cabin
The distance is so great between
Your side of the bed
And mine
Raise your voice over the void
I've been calling to you for years
But the continued return of echos
Seem like your distant shadow
Is a mirage
You have to scream

We have been woven
And we are spinning
Spinning
Please
I know we will unravel
But weave on back to me
Take your time
Find your place
Please let it be right next to me
Life will spin on without you
Without your smile or your touch
Life will be woven on without you
But the way that you say "love"
Makes this so much harder than it could be

I loved you, yes.

Once

You soothed me cool cool water on a burn
You rocked me gently napping in your arms
     resting in a sunlit motel room.

I grew to love your company
The simple existence of a warm body in the same room
To desire your lazily listening ear
I learned to lust for shapes that did not my body fill
To moan for groan for
Forced tessellations roughly holding down my hips
     in demeaningly false passion.

I loved you once
But was quickly weighted left hand bending
     toward the dirt under the ceiling of your bed chamber
          “My love do not leave me you
          cannot leave me you will
          never leave me you will learn
          to love me hunchbacked lonely.
          My love my sweet my dear.

          My pet.                                       “

I drowned in the heat of your sweat
Filling my lungs bursting with salt
Filling my organs with your clammy salt
Curing my love bitter shriveling dried my heart
     preserved for future consumption no longer
     pumping warm blood bleeding aching no longer
     throbbing stinging longing soaked in blood
     no longer beating .buhduhn.buhduhn.buhduhn.
     living bleeding my heart no longer pouring
     sweet blood from her mouth into thirsty veins.
A cured lump of jerky fell from my breast
     onto the floor and I looked on indifferent as the dog
     took it in his mouth.

I loved you once
I sobbed childish little girl confused in your absence
Upon your return arms vines twisting clinging
     to your steady torso
Flowering my gently parting lips eager to pour forth
     my nectar into your life to sweeten
     your life
I only wanted to be sweet for you.
You unearthed me chopping roots clinging
     desperately to cool moist earth
You unearthed me peeling tendrils from your walls
     wrapping me in a ball and tenderly bringing
     me inside through the side door
You unearthed me dropping me in a too small ***
Pruning pruning roughly trimming flowers falling
     to the floor I only wanted to be sweet for you
     now daily thirsting in your window nectar
     no longer flows now daily drying my leaves
     soft plush foliage bursting green browns
     falls crisp to the table I only wanted to
     be sweet for you now daily dying browning
     petals fall from my cheeks to the table and
     I wilt as the cat takes them in her mouth.

You loved me once.