i got this gift last christmas
just shy of half a foot;
i keep him really close.

i hold him late at night
when i don't know what to do
but i know i'm not feeling right.

i feel tranquility as i breathe
in his subtle scent
that i can't quite place my finger on.

i stare into his golden eyes
torn by memories about
how i got him and why he's mine.

i am mocked by his blank expression
as i ask him questions
neither of us have answers to.

i got a christmas gift
just shy of half a foot
and i still don't know why.

i suffocate myself
with unnecessary thoughts
of the past
and what was and will
never be again

i drown myself
with the cold reality
that this year
you most certainly
will not be coming back

i shield myself
from the possibility
that we will never
stand where we use to
as i welcome the new year

dissect me.
pick me apart
in hopes that what
you find buried inside
help you understand
what little pieces
come together
to make who i am

"Dissect me,"
I say to you
in desperate attempts
that it would help-
but you were never
one for science

every night i lay in bed
restless and unwearied-
intoxicated with the
cluttered thoughts of your
sole existence and
overtaken by the memories that
no longer bring joy;
hung up on old
undying memories
all these sad and restless
nights are all worth the
grief and longing

it's okay to be not okay -
with chills running down your spine
as worries pile in your mind.
that innate notion
of something wrong
and something that will never change

it's okay to be not okay
i have been for a while

i am so hopeful
yest so unhopeful
all at the same time

it's like that light
that you see
that tells you everything
will be okay
is like the sun on
a cloudy day;
it fades in an out
dimming and brightening

like a lightbulb
hanging on a thread -
hanging on to life

like a car
racing down
the free way
at two in the morning
the moments of darkness
after the faint moment
of brightness
as we drive under
street lamps.

i am so hopeful
and so hopeless
and i sway
like a pendulum
unable to find
a healthy balance