i judge you
and i know this is
unfair of me to do so
considering that i call you
a friend
and you to i -
but you go around
and you act as if
you havent been admitted
to as school only some
dare to dream about
one the cost so much
you and i would always
question as to why
you stay up late doing work
you couldn't have bothered
to do before - all nighters
that make you late for class
or not show up to at all
i know it is shameful to
judge a friend like this
but if tables were turned -
i know you would, to i.

i sat in class today
and thought about
walking you home
because of all those days
that you walked me
in the brutal harsh
winter weather
and left me at my front door
watching as you walked away

and then the sadness hits me
hits me hard in the chest
and my heart drops
and i feel the need to cry

i suppose it's in the want
to hurt you voluntarily
when you walked me home
out of kindness -
with no knowledge that
i'd hurt watching you walk away

but i guess, all i hope for
is that you have that
unanswered feeling of sorrow
as you watch me walk away
in hopes that you feel for me
what i feel for you

it's interesting how the lull
of someone's deep breathing
as they fall fast asleep
can emulate this serenity
and rush of calmness
that flows over the body
and leaves me wishing
for nothing more than
to be there right next to him
instead of twenty two
hundred miles away
a distance that multiplies
when remembered through
a screen

i don't know what to do
with myself.

i sit, i stare,
and i wait
for something i know
will never happen
because he-
because you-
you gave up on me
and trying to believe
that even a friendship
could exist between us

i sit and i stare
at your name on my screen
as if your presence was
radiating off of
simple letters used to
identify yourself
and i hesitate-

i sit and stare
as my mouse skims
your name
and goes to another part
of the page
because i don't
know you well enough
anymore to start a conversation

i sit - stare - wonder
if one day i will not feel
like such a bother to you
whenever we exchange words

but until then,
i think i will
sit and stare
and wonder

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you

I hate how you came
I hate how you left me
I hate how you change me
I hate how you changed
I hate that you always use to talk to me
I hate how you stopped talking to me
I hate how you convinced me to let you walk me home
I hate how you wormed your way into my life
I hate how much I trusted you
I hate how much I love you
I hate how much I think of you

But I hate me most
I hate me for still loving you
I hate me for still thinking of you
I hate me for not being able to let you go

I hate it.

Because you make me feel like **dirt