if I could only love myself
today
there's no telling what would come
on the morrow--
maybe I'd be courageous enough
to put down the pipe
and pick up
a pencil
more often;
maybe I'd glide
through love
without feeling like I'm
soaring
to plunge deeper than
I've ever been
before. and
if I could only love myself
today
I'd give it all up
if you'd let me
love you...

if I could just love myself
today

on most days
i feel like i don't fit in
in a daze
in-side the lonesome house
power to get out
out-side i don't fit in

I'll never know your touch
Like the first frost
Cascading over the changing figure
Of the Earth

I'll never know your touch
Before the snow melts
Every inch if you disappearing
From sight and soul

I'll never know your touch
As the infinite white blindness
Recedes and you are gone

I'll never know your touch
Like the awaited "almost" snowfall
That never froze anything over--
But instead a warm
Sun on my shoulders
That should warm me, but only
Leaves me wishing
For the first frost

I want to discover you
To peel your layers back-
I want to find you
So you can find yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want to stare into your teary eyes
And be the one to tell you
It’s all going to be all right and you’ll get through
Because I’ll help you
So you can help yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want you to know you’ll always be safe with me-
That I’ll always be here to welcome you home
Be a shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold
So you can find strength
     In this mess we call life.

I feel so weak
When I eat
I feel so weak
When I bite
I feel so weak
But I cant stop the cycle
I feel so weak
But I binge and I binge
I feel so weak
But I eat until there’s nothing left.

Nothing left—
And my stomach aches with fullness
And I long to be empty
Like the new morn
And wallow in my thoughts
And dance on the edges of my bones.

But that I did days before
Has just been undone
In mere seconds
Because I’ve eaten my weight
In candies and chips
And unnecessary tastes
That I don’t need on my plate.

But my out-of-mind state continues to fools me
And I munch until I’m sick
And stripped of my desire
And all my work becomes dust
And my loss becomes gain
And my effort becomes mist
And I’m left to begin again.

Why do I lack the precious self control?
The will to say ‘no thank you’
In the face of a sweet
Or a meat or a snack.
How do I gain the precious self control?
The force to be strict
In the face of temptation
Or a growling stomach.

it's not
         about
What you say
    or how you articulate
  your body
               movement

it's not
         about
Who you are
    But how
you
            present
                               It

it's not about
  doing the right
         thing
  but being the right
         person

and we
              can all dream
    about who we'll someday
Become

but until we get
        there
  we'll fight to be
                                   "someone"

simply
we leave with no more
than what we started with;
alone at last again--
a soul floating among
the stars, after death and
before birth in some weary in between--
we exit like our entrance,
lose some of our senses and
once again reduced to
uncontrollable bladder action--
the same molecules as
the follicles of our baby bottom skin.

one person, one death,  
and who is to say what's left behind?
for the only thing that matters in life
is what's inside your mind--
the only thing or other
living being
with you at all times
is you,
and so you are lost at the grave
after spending one lifetime
blossoming from birth;
return to earth
mortal, naked, bare

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

you were always scared
     & I always tried to be   strong

but I could only keep you up so long
And when the darkness consumed,
I went with you

and into your grave
               Went my hopes-
    six feet under and smothered,
starving for breath between packed earth

Your burial brought
                 the death of me
and when I swallowed
       That last pill w a swig..
..when the chair fell from underneath my "sturdy" feet...
...where my blood lay..and stained...
                         well
      I'd written you a letter in my head
(Because you could no longer
              Unfold it with your fingers,
and alas now neither can I)

because when I said
I couldn't live without you..


   and now we're both only
               stories


                            in heads

             *     *    

it sometimes scares me
the feeling of being too wrapped up
too analytic too critical
too blind
to see the light
in every moment.

this foggy state of earth
seems to greet me
on my front porch
often
when there is a lot
on my mind.
maybe i'm pmsing.
i feel words
resting on the tips of my toes
and i am trying
to bend my back down
into freedom.

i know freedom is not like that.

mostly
when i breathe into a stretch
reaching
towards the earth beneath my feet,
it comes easy.
freedom

should come easy.
it does...

most days.

this is a trick.
the ghosts of the past
are not gone.
sweeping smoke
beneath their doormats
whispering, "get in"
within their smiling teeth.
they are talking
to my rubber face.
happy to be learning to say no,
i can contentedly and stubbornly
say "are you crazy?"
and walk away.
this is something
i never would have been able
to do before.
i was never good at knowing
when indulgence
under the surface
was for pleasure
or to reverberate even further
into the echoes of pain.

notice the easy grace
in the red flag painted morning
warning some
of the coming rain.
tell them
i am typing this poem on a
phone screen
walking into a building
supposed to fill me with knowledge.
tell them
that some of these people
took in the lonely smoke
wandering around
in the night
looking for a warm mouth;
they are high today.
tell them
that some of them
don't need the bitter whip
of substance
to substitute for beauty.
tell them
i have walked away;
and let them know
that i
am the happiest that i have ever been.
                                ~

A newfound driver
And I'm finding
That if each car stays
In their lane,
It's smooth sailing
All the way home

It's when tires
Blur the lines between
What is yours and
What is mine
That it starts to get messy

So as a human being
It is simple to stick
To your own path,
Keep to yourself,
Stay inside the lines

But when you're changing lanes,
Shifting mindsets,
Shifting lives,
Cars and people weaving
In and out of your future,
You must keep a close eye on
The road in front of your bumper

To not stray to one side
Over the other,
To not drift into obsession
Over another,
To always keep your focus
On what is ahead of you

It’s a line I’ve heard
So many times before
“Afraid of commitment” –
an excuse to mean they don’t like me..
scared to get serious with someone
who feels as deeply

it’s a line I’ve heard
so many times before
just helps to make me cry,
ruins my perception of people just a little bit more
soils my hope just a little bit more

why all the false hope?
The false sense of security,
Like you want to love me
But only
To retreat so fast like the recoil of a snake
Who bit me
In the hand, so fast and left two clean holes
Bubbling blood
That traced down my hand slowly and left
Red tears in the wake of the
First time,
Time that ruined everything

Like the thing I should have done but didn’t
Like the words I never said, I couldn’t
And the empty replies
And long sleepless nights watching movies
And never kissing,
Never admitting

And giving in to urges
to be told they feel weird, they feel off
he needs to leave,
and so he’s gone

they are all gone

Seeing as you can't kiss me
You surely don't deserve me
And it'll take years
Before you'd miss me
But we don't have that long
Anyway

We have nothing,
Actually
And when the sting of your goodbye
Leaves me lonely
It's a joke
And I'm laughing

What
Are you
Doing?

If I hadn't made that one mistake
Would your kiss be mine to take
Would your hand be mine to hold
Would my mask be less of a fake
And more of a mold
So we could take this life that is ours to make

If I hadn't said that one phrase
Would you still want to spend your days
With me, tangling out the maze
And working through the haze
With a lovely smile on your face
To find a better place

If I had never made a sound
Or wanted you to be around
Spending all that time on the ground
Waiting for a time to shed the pounds
The weight, the wait for you to free me, bound
By our friendship and your vow

If I hadn't met your soul
I wouldn't feel the torture of your flee
Or the burning emptiness left in me
But if I hadn't met your soul
I'd miss out on a friend who gave me company
An ear for my grief,
A heart for my story--
Even if in the end, all you did was flee

You won't be here forever.
You won't be here forever.

Sometimes I wish I could survive
         on the insides of your skull
     as a parasite
                    you hated...
I'd always be with you,
close to your flowing
                      stream of conscious thought;
    you could never rid yourself of me.

I wouldn't have to leave you
                   and
I wouldn't have to change you...
  maybe I could just see you
                  grow
I wouldn't have to break you--
  maybe you wouldn't break me
                  either

  maybe we would both crumble;
     I know I can't escape--
--you cant escape--
                     we...

                     we.

                                         *I'll miss you.

the sound of my own voice.
sometimes i forget
the sound of my own voice
when my throat feels brittle
and unused and like
the sound never really reaches
anyone
ill say hi and
people won't see me and then
when i say bye
i don't think they notice when i go
who am i trying to impress?
the sound of my own voice
quietly echoes these empty bathroom walls
"hi bye" i say and
there is silence once again and
i am at peace.

Please just drown me
And forget I ever existed
Because then at least
I wont spend my days
In vivid remembrance
Of your almost embrace—
Instead ill spend them
At the bottom of the sea
With frozen open eyes
And breathless lungs—
A free mind,
And peace in my heart

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

i can feel that i don't belong here.
feel it in their stares
their "airs" of "wisdom"
sat there the first couple days
feeling twisted
in my ways
and a whole lot more
than my gut
felt like puking.

felt like extracting
the pointy smiles
porcelain fingers of humanity
a constant war
with my painted skin.

if it is a sin
to condemn and judge
a brother
tell me with a smile
and a hand on that book
how so much hatred
and resistance
hides behind their
lash plumped eyes;
their porcelain hearts.

beating far
to the beyond that i'd go
if they could know
to accept like me.

i'm learning to uncurl
my foiled toes to the world
tread with the tips of my fingers
molding my identity, a print
the sharpest laser couldn't forget.

cast my rusty skin to the sky
so i could show them
we are brother
derived around one another
a formula.

a formula skewed
for porcelain mates turning out doll faces
on the conveyor
belt.

we are moving too fast.
i can feel that i don't belong here.
i can't feel their warmth.

I want someone who will take
my beating heart in their hands and not drop it—
in fact they would protect it,
and set it down gently but never leave—
I want someone who will always
pick my heart and hopes back up off the flat stone,
lift me out of the clouds and into clarity—
I want someone who will keep me
Happy, keep me alive—

*

2-15-12
im so terribly alone, wallowing in my own misery
its like if i lose the weight ill solve the mystery
like ill finally be happy, be free
from all this insanity
but im only digging myself in deeper
letting this voice be the speaker
letting it overcome my soul, my temple
letting her decide what i eat
how i think, how i speak

somewhere under the earth lies the truth. somewhere written in the heavens; the true nature is out there. every single living creature being on anything at all is an ugly distortion of the truth. i’m not saying we’re supposed to spend our whole lives devoted to becoming a less-ugly rendition; i’m not saying pleasing God is the answer for me. we are all meant to be faulted,
flawed.  we should not be tortured to claw at a nothingness we can never
obtain. there is
a lot left in the emptiness of rain. there is a lot left in the pair of eyes that refuse to meet my gaze. we fall to the basis as we raise the base higher “be this much – reach this level – for God’s sake, go to college!" God does not need me in college. maybe i will go there and struggle to find God in the faces that pass in the dust after it settles;
there will be peace there. there really is no need for this; for things to be this way. we are keeping ourselves in cages and God is throwing away the key. it is not his job to set us free. it is not his will to enslave us. it is WE that don’t let ourselves be. the scary, sad, condemning thing—that’s the irony.
we are fractals. reoccuring patterns deemed nothingness but:
there are colors there. there are colors within the folds. “life is but a soaring dream”
when we see, we laugh, we think, we pray, we dream; we be.
when we cry, we die, we fail, we lose, we pray, we dream; we be. there is not  one separate thing we ever did see. we are all fractals. reoccurring dreams.
reoccurring days when nothing seems to change—those are the still moments. the still moments are sacred. for it is only in the stillness (if we ever let ourselves be still—in thought, form, in space)
that the peace will come. the truth will come. and the truth will come ugly; to remind us we are ugly too. that dreams can turn to dust and we can watch and feel as they disintegrate.
the truth will never be pretty. i hope we can find the recognition to allow
peace to flow –
and i will marvel all the same. it is the truth that makes me stay.

I always tell myself
That being sad is stupid
And to live in the present and smile
And hide the feelings inside

But it feels good to feel sad
It feels pure to recognize raw
Feels right to feel wrong
And that’s the scary part

Because I want to believe I want to be happy
Yet again and again I drag myself down
Into the depths of my own mind
Just to wallow some more
Just because I can

Because I love it
Because I want to feel the tears roll and the
Cuts hurt
I want to feel the beating in my chest pound
Thump thump thump
Its telling me
I’m still alive

listening to the music you showed me:
Butch Clancy
"for yours are the sweetest eyes
I've ever seen"
only digs the knife in my stomach
deeper, to my heart--
to the slice you left of my skin,
my ears, reminded daily
of how you made me feel.
how good
how bad
how deserted

I'll call it a victory if
I go one day
without picturing your face,
listening to you
in my earbuds...

I guess it's time to find
some new music.

Tears fall down my face
But no one seems to notice
In a crowded room of students
Because I’m invisible.

Tears fall down my face
But no one seems to notice
But all I want is for someone
To wipe them away
And ask me if I’m okay.

Tears fall down my face
But no one seems to notice.

I like not speaking for a while—
Just serene silence in my room

A quiet so present you can feel it in the air
Hear the slow hum of nothingness—

Alone

You left me all alone-
with nothing but the memories on my phone.
I wonder if I'll ever again hear your laugh,
or you utter my name through your sweet teeth-
and oh, how beautiful it sounds.
I wonder how you're feeling about me,
but then I remember you don't feel for me at all.
Never a kiss from my lips to yours
and yet you left me full of hurt and remorse.
You gave me beautiful words
and then you stole them back,
like they didn't mean the world to me.
I wonder when you'll get off my mind
but I've got too much time;
I've got too many thoughts, too many what if's-
Never a touch from your hand to mine.
Never a look suggesting feelings from your
sweet eyes to mine. So
you left me all alone-
Never being mine to start,
seems I'm the only one who can fix my unsteady heart
but there's too much pain
so I'll sit and I'll wallow away

Its weird to look back,
I can see how much you liked me in your eyes
And it hurts me too much
To know you’ll never look at me like that again

Because I was blind back then
Too caught up in my head
And then I messed it all up with you
And now you couldn’t care less

So I’m left missing you,
left missing your company.
Because I lost my best friend,
And whatever we could have aspired to be

I don’t want to live in the past
But I need your eyes in my future
When you look at me straight I don’t breathe
And I don’t understand how you had the courage to leave

You put out the lights in your eyes for me
And started running the opposite way
Away from your feelings and anything real
So I’m left in the cold and the rain

Anxious and waiting for these emotions to fade
For the wounds to heal, mind to clear
And the strength to move on in my heart.

I swear
           I've never been okay with myself
     grown up
always needing someone else --
like I didn't spend
                 enough time
            tending to my soul
(even when I'll be all alone
                                                                forever)

and it hurts in my bones
                   because no one's
            home
if I don't have a
                          validating
                                 friend

but I don't want to run
             to the guy who wants the pictures
       I don't want to run
             to the people who have no problems
                        kicking me to the curb
     when all I wanna do is help them

      I don't want to run
           to the outside

               the outside
   is where the hurt comes
                                                      in
            and it
                     cuts deep
     because there's no one home
          and the lonely corners
  are screaming
                     for a hand
          and I am wondering
    how many more mornings
                I will wake up
            clutching my own

           until I realize
           I cannot find what I need
           on the outside...

    maybe I'm starting to realize
              
                    the answer  
                 must be within

I watched you walk away
Like I watched the storm bubble;
Menacing
Like
I couldn't escape the
Inevitable:
It was going to rain

WAIT, DONT GO

because of her
I know I am worthy
of love

I know there are
people out there
who might sometimes wanna
push me up against
bathroom stalls
or concrete walls
and wrap their arms around me

I will never
understand
why.

but I understand
it is possible
and I understand
because of her.

WAIT, GO
IF YOU NEED TOO

let me love you like no one
ever has--
like the first time a baby
opens his mouth
to speak simple words
with a cheer from the audience
never knowing the pain that will come

let me watch over you, and
allow me to cup your sorrows
into the palms of my hands,
as they soak into my skin
with a tingling sensation
as you enter me.

as you enter me
without your body
but with your words,
your thoughts:
the insight and the turmoil

let me sweep your trouble
under the rug
or between my *******--
let me love you like no one
ever has.

I don't wanna be someone
you can just call up to ****
^
I wanna be valued for my mind
I wanna talk about your problems
I wanna care for you

I don't wanna be alone
but who wants to be around me
^
I wanna forget my mind
I wanna share my problems, my life
I wanna be cared for

NO ONE CAN **** THIS IN ME,
IT'S SUCH AN ECCENTRICITY

AND I LOVE IT'S DEFINING POWERS,
HELPS SEPARATE ME FROM..."THEM"

SO PEOPLE DEAR TO ME KNOW
IM NOT JUST ANOTHER,
COS I HOLD MY OWN

things swing by me
in an instant.
passing whirlwinds.
the sun casts a
rainbow on this page as the ink flows from my hand
that
i wish i could capture.
i wish i could paint
the rainbow gracing this paper.
it is beautiful.
the sun will pass because
the earth will spin
or it will
move behind a cloud
and disappear;
things
swing by me
in an instant.
i'm still here.

you're always
holding on
to your thought
               like the realness
            of it could
           bring you back
             to earth
                        let me tell you
                         something:
                        it's not really
                          tangible
                                at all

Will you always have my heart
On the end of a string
So close you could reach out and grab it—
Making it yours forever
But so far that I am left alone and dangling
By your thread
One I know well and
Cannot let go of myself
One only you can save me from
But you choose to keep me there
Because
You like always having my heart