this smile is a timid grin
a sad smile
a “don’t lose hope” smile,
the innocent raise of the child’s cheeks;
a closed mouth smile
with no teeth inside.
this smile is an excited smile
free to convey the ups of the day.
the “just turn your head a little
to the left” picture day smile;
the natural, unforced smile of
greeting an old friend like no time has passed,
the gentle smile while resting your head
on a lover’s shoulder,
with their returning smile more coveted than your own.

So what's another day
When they all blur into
A smoke filled haze
With friends who seem constant
That slowly turn to go

Leaving a girl with no direction
A childhood buddy in college
A neighborhood friendship
disintegrated into dust with a divorce and a packed up moving van
A juvenile lover that never faced forward

Some close network of strings
becomes untangled like a
Man walking into a spiders web
Leaving a mess of broken connections and fake smiles
Long days with real tears
Overwhelming fears

A girl who grasps to every passing soul
The one who blindly follows what she knows

The same woman who steps back and takes a breather
Chooses to leave the broken tangle of ripped silk webbing
To start over instead

But what's another day,
When every day counts
Toward the kind of change
She craves

I'll never know your touch
Like the first frost
Cascading over the changing figure
Of the Earth

I'll never know your touch
Before the snow melts
Every inch if you disappearing
From sight and soul

I'll never know your touch
As the infinite white blindness
Recedes and you are gone

I'll never know your touch
Like the awaited "almost" snowfall
That never froze anything over--
But instead a warm
Sun on my shoulders
That should warm me, but only
Leaves me wishing
For the first frost

To look into your eyes is like gazing in the stars
To look into your eyes is like gazing in the stars
Watch you caress the grass like you would me
Watch you caress the grass like you would me
Watch is me gazing into the stars in your eyes like
Like you would caress the grass; look to you

Hear the words I whisper in your ear
Hear the words I whisper in your ear
Like the pitter-patter of rainfall, or faint footsteps travel
Like the pitter-patter of rainfall, or faint footsteps travel
The rainfall travel in your ear like pitter-patter,
Faint words or the whisper of footsteps I hear

Every day spent with you is a dream
Every day spent with you is a dream
Slowly seeping into my pores and beneath the skin it’s away
Slowly seeping into my pores and beneath the skin it’s away
Every dream slowly seeping away into the day
Beneath my pores is a skin and it’s spent with you

Rainfall is seeping in my pores like
The stars whisper—like grass—the dream you would caress me—
Beneath the words you hear in your ear or it’s like
With a day spent gazing slowly into your eyes,
And every look into skin is faint—
I watch you: the pitter-patter of footsteps travel away

I watch the way
your paws swing at
every moving thing,
Your eyes darting
to and fro-
back and forth
between every stimulus.

The birds chirping
catches your attention
and the window becomes
your throne, staring longingly
into unexplored territory.
A passing car
turns your head,
perking ears, and
curiosity on your
sandpaper tongue.

As a small, young kitten
every thing is new.
You look around at
each passing object,
and each one excites you anew.

You entertain yourself
with hanging window strings,
and chew on the zippers
of my backpack,
ignorant to the existence
of "school."

When I was ignorant of school
and every passing thing
excited me-
I was a child, young,
innocent.
You are a child, young,
innocent.

I dangle your fluffy
purple, jingling toy in front
of your small cat eyes,
praying the day that
it doesn't excite you
never comes.

I don't wanna be someone
you can just call up to ****
^
I wanna be valued for my mind
I wanna talk about your problems
I wanna care for you

I don't wanna be alone
but who wants to be around me
^
I wanna forget my mind
I wanna share my problems, my life
I wanna be cared for

sometimes I wish you'd come
crawling back to me--
stripped of your dignity,
naked in your mistake

then thinking back to when
I actually could say
I knew you,
returning goes against your nature--
you will never come back to me

when you're done,
you're done--
and I'm just another one
you've left behind

Cant believe I did that
Cant believe how I’ve acted
Cant believe who I’ve slept with
Cant believe all the ways I’ve let myself down

Stare out the window of a moving car
Into the snowstorm parading around the town—
The streetlamps illuminate the strong flurries
As they fall and coat the streets
Disgusing all the pain underneath

Stare out the window of a moving car
Straight in to the searing eyes of nostalgia
Straight through the ghosts of people who have left,
Were once so happy together, and now are transparent—
As good as dead

Cant believe where I’ve gone
Cant believe who I’ve seen; who I’ve lost
Cant believe the world continues to spin
Cant believe I’m still alive

Interesting
        The chance to start over
The smooth clean slate of a brand new surface
Never corrupted nor covered
Never torn to shreds by an unnamed power

Compelling
        The opportunity of new love
A chance to kiss a new pair of lips
To caress the curves of the hands so personal
And walk amongst the wet grass with new life

Sacrificing
        To give up the habits to please the guest
To not wonder about yourself when you rest your head
But depend completely on another for contentedness
Equal forces of give and take, a balance

Committing
        An act of finalization
A marriage proposal, a slit of the throat
Some trenches just too deep to wander
A few possibilities to be left unexplored

Separating
        Forgetting the magnetism of the first touch of fingers
Longing for a kiss on a new, softer mouth
A trail of footsteps leading down different paths
The pedals of a rose begin to sway to the floor

Soaking
       The pedals curl and harden, touching ground all too dull
Melt into the earth and return to where it came
The roots begin to emerge on a mutant species
Water is sprung from the dirt and rejuvenates the body

Interesting
        The chance to start over

PURE*       is attractive
because they can corrupt it--
they can tear it to shreds,
leaving tears in your eyes;
defecate on the innocent
like stealing candy from a baby

And once you are used
like a tool, worn out
from the pain,
the pleasure

The masked face
The empty face-like death-
coming to reap your soul
and **** your heart

*****        is old and bent
flexible like a contortionist
whose bones were removed
by force.

Tie me up and beat me--
until i erode like a mineral,
until i dissolve from solid to liquid,
until i break down my components--
I'm all I've got left

I let them tangle together
And I flow securely on the wind
I am free

I am free
Like a bird
Soaring over the mountains

Soaring over the mountains
While you're down
On the ground
Herding sheep

wanting to pursue
                        encourage

getting fingerprints,
        splatters

                        "It's amazing.
They're mesmerized."

                                                           end of their workshop,
                                               children watched                                              active detectives
                                                                                       while hooked
                                                                                          right questions
     investigative tools,                                                                  
                                                                                                                         early interest
                                          a lifelike mannequin
                                     in as the victim

                                                molds of footprints

                                                                                mind is made up, for now.

A newfound driver
And I'm finding
That if each car stays
In their lane,
It's smooth sailing
All the way home

It's when tires
Blur the lines between
What is yours and
What is mine
That it starts to get messy

So as a human being
It is simple to stick
To your own path,
Keep to yourself,
Stay inside the lines

But when you're changing lanes,
Shifting mindsets,
Shifting lives,
Cars and people weaving
In and out of your future,
You must keep a close eye on
The road in front of your bumper

To not stray to one side
Over the other,
To not drift into obsession
Over another,
To always keep your focus
On what is ahead of you

I am simple, yet complex--
I am holy, but a peasant

I release, as I embrace--
I plunge into the depths,
         all the while recoiling like a striking snake.

A Poet’s Response (a response to Pablo Neruda's "The Poet")


In the new daze(days) I go through life
in the grip of newfound love and cherishing
a tiny shimmer of opalescence
and my eyes weep for the eyes of those who will not know
I shop for new opportunities, stop
to go out of my way for others, exhaling
my own sprays of love, the unknown
acceptance of woman and man.
I live in a world where I move forward
where the sudden raindrop, the falling water
soak me in god’s tears
and wherever I step my feet my pant leg gets wet,
but yet I walk on.
This is the way my essence manifests--
a sliver off the source, life
throws you down in punishment, to wait
for your arise like it’s most beautiful flower
growing out of the asphalt, like you never thought possible.
Looking out on the bright horizon,
the vast and deep sea
I stay steady as I search for
a holy being, the daily prayer
I know the lessons make me thrive
by teaching me I can teach others
about the foreign lands, and in the small drop of
my life, I meet with God.
Blessings carving my path.
Enlightenment plastered among the walls.

I've seen the debate of leaving
And the pain of being left,
I will not love like you have loved 

I've seen the torment in the others eyes
The guilt in your tears,
I will not leave like you have left 

I've seen the all night partying
And all the desperate men,
I will not betray as you have betrayed

I've witnessed the days in bed 
And the nagging duties,
I will not die as you have died

You exposed me to the truths 
While all the same lying to my face,
I will not deceive as you have deceived

It might be your childhood
Your codependency that kills
I try not to be bitter,
I will not hide anger as you have exploded

You've left broken hearts in your wake,
Forgotten faces at your feet..
And then there's me,
I will not destroy as you have destroyed

I see my dad
With his cat and his lonesomeness
With his acceptance that
He’ll be spending the rest of his life alone

I see my mom
With her new guy every so often
Some of them last longer than others,
But they drift by all the same

All I know about love
Is what is shown to me
And luckily
These two examples are not the
Extent of my knowledge

Because if they were,
I’d be lonely in love
with not one shred of hope,
Or it’d lose all it’s value
like a broken antique

I see all the broken marriages
All the divorces that echo this world,
How easy it is to fall in and out of love
When it’s all anybody wants,
Its what I’m in favor of

Because I’d like to see a world where
Love is written on every pair of hands being held
Every couple being betrothed
On every street sign and
In the smiles of the strangers I pass

But alas the world is ever evolving
And we live in a time where love is
Not a puzzle worth solving
Each person must just muddle through
And try to find the person that
Feels about love as they do.

I see my grandparents
Her an ex model, proper,
In the worst sense of the word,
Him a nature man, a scientist—souls from opposite poles,
With their 50 years of marriage
and I form my foundation for the love I will have.

I've waited 16 long years
And the day is approaching,
The day I'll be allowed on the road
When my dreams will come true and I'll drive on my own

Well not on my own,
With a parent at first
But I'll take what I get 
And I'll try not to burst

I'll make it through the trial period 
Of the dos and the donts
I'll sweep the floors with my tires
Make them all eat my dust

Because I've been waiting since childhood
For this moment of freedom
Of integrity and responsibility

And i only have to wait a short while
Until I abandon my driving rug once and for all
Put down the hot wheels and grip the steering wheel
Put a foot on the gas

And I'm really doing it all by myself,
I'm driving at last.

Poetry is like diamonds
With glistening shards that shine
The light of your life and your essence,
With every word another truth rings its bell
Can’t wait to be heard, to be spoken, to be known

All my weakness transformed into strength
All my doubts turned into beliefs
All my pain melts into a liquid
That slowly runs down the parallel slopes
Of my mind and out both my ears
All my worry in a split second to confidence
When I compose a poem

When I compose a poem
It is all the words I’ve never said
It is the full opinion, the whole truth—
The truths I voice and the truths
That stay hidden deep inside

To speak a poem is to confront your fears-
With every scary detail of life rattling
Around your brain, cluttered-
Each poetic word like a knife,
Tourneing each fear like a vegetable
Into smooth constructed bite sized pieces-
You rise up like a giant and swallow them whole

Each letter a new building block
For the path your own feet must tread

When I write, I am not myself
I am everything I aspire to be

It is the action before the thought
It is the explosion before the reconstruction
It is the storm before the calm

I want to tell you I’ll extract the pain from your eyes
Like a cancerous tumor
But if I get close to you
The terror seeps from you and clings to me

I want to take your anguish
And feed it to the sharks
Watch them gnaw on the pointless doubts,
Made up faults, ****** up thinking—
Watch it all disintegrate between
Their massive sharp jaws.
See how easy it is for them to be destroyed—
See how harmless they are?

And I’ve had that pain in my eyes
The desire to extinguish it on your own
But I grew strong and helped myself
I conquered the pain once
But twice it kills

Your skin is precious
Yet you tear it
Like raggedy old clothes
In the garbage

It breaks my heart every time you speak
Of the hurt you feel every day
The feeling that never goes away

For I am scared

I want you to kick it yourself
To rise up from the death you’ve been embodying
And see the life in the world

Forget your limitations and live
Be kind to yourself

The world is not a tragic place
Unless you’re looking out from
Behind pained eyes

Fighting for someone who understands
But where's that mystery man
And when the time is right for him to be revealed
Will I revel in his presence, bask in his touch
Or will I back away based on just the hunch
That no ones who they seem
They might not be right for me
Some people's eyes hold gleams
While others silently scream
Let me out of this mess
Confess it's all a dream

So leave me to the scene
The white knight has finally come
But wait, something's not right
It's all become undone
It's hard to love a person
Whose essence of being is torn
Because no one gets forewarned
No one knows what they've signed up for

Who lays it out on the table
Puts their whole selves out there for review
So when picking your lover
Bite off only what you can chew
Because any more and you'll choke
On the lies they thought you'd bought
On your partners thoughts and smoke

Before you indulge
Know the depth of your plunge
So you won't have to scale a wall
When they're not who they said they were
And you're stuck at the bottom of love--

It's dingy

When loneliness strikes in the darkest hour
We do our best to let it slip from our minds,
Please don't let the mood go sour
But keep it light, polite--
No one likes a stupid fool
Who savers the mistakes
And disregards the opportunity that awaits

For someone who dwells on pain and loss
Will never stand up and will always be soft--
Always taking on the weight from others,
Can't get enough breathing room to see that she's smothered

For someone who dwells on the good in the world
Will reap the benefits; be a glorious girl.
She's someone with class and a balanced head,
She fights for herself and prefers her own bed.
For one like this brings light
To the clouded eyes of birds without flight
Or lovers who lack insight

She is a person respected
A trophy on her own shelf
Wanted by many but owned only by death.
The power of her mind thrives
Through the lives of people that are pushed to survive

When loneliness strikes in the darkest hour,
She holds up her light, and releases her power.

If I hadn't made that one mistake
Would your kiss be mine to take
Would your hand be mine to hold
Would my mask be less of a fake
And more of a mold
So we could take this life that is ours to make

If I hadn't said that one phrase
Would you still want to spend your days
With me, tangling out the maze
And working through the haze
With a lovely smile on your face
To find a better place

If I had never made a sound
Or wanted you to be around
Spending all that time on the ground
Waiting for a time to shed the pounds
The weight, the wait for you to free me, bound
By our friendship and your vow

If I hadn't met your soul
I wouldn't feel the torture of your flee
Or the burning emptiness left in me
But if I hadn't met your soul
I'd miss out on a friend who gave me company
An ear for my grief,
A heart for my story--
Even if in the end, all you did was flee

all the creativity's seeped out of me
every situation just drains my energy
no time to do anything constructive
just sit around and mope about my love life
and all these other circumstances
of past relationships and lost chances
and ****** up people and second glances
alone with my thoughts and introspective reflection
i run away from time and space
with all these drugs and silly things
all my demons devour my imagination
steal the creative motivation
and feed it to mindless tv shows and endless meals
and concerts that i let go of my fears
sit around a hopeless mess
smoke with all my so called friends
never write a single word or read my favorite book
just wallow in the past and extinguish my quirks
brain chills unused
its knowledge pushed aside for useless information
never making something of its own
but following those that are well known
until my feet carve a new path
and accept my gifts for math
and story telling and let my mind mold
a story
a poem
an idea
a life
creativity needs not be stalled
open the gates and go on a journey

Like a snake sheds his skin--
Leaving the cracked dry shell,
And slithers with new, shiny,
Untouched scales into a new being--

I firmly step out of my old restrictions--
Leaving the past and all it's doubts behind me,
And walk with a firm grip and eyes on my vision,
Into the early morning sunshine of a new day

There's a chase
at the beginning-
with the want and desire
with the back and forth...
like a balanced game of tug of war
But once they get what they want
there is no more chase
there is no need.
They only leave you the morning after
Alone
Alone in the mud

I like not speaking for a while—
Just serene silence in my room

A quiet so present you can feel it in the air
Hear the slow hum of nothingness—

Alone

Will you always have my heart
On the end of a string
So close you could reach out and grab it—
Making it yours forever
But so far that I am left alone and dangling
By your thread
One I know well and
Cannot let go of myself
One only you can save me from
But you choose to keep me there
Because
You like always having my heart

society ***** up all its victims
like we're the slave and it's our master

we thrive at its will
and die at its will

we all live to please the
"way things are"
the standards and the expectations.

it's like there's nothing else...

where are all the new ideas?

does anyone even have ideas anymore?

When do we stop living to please
The system
And start living to please
Ourselves

Society plants thoughts in our heads
Corrupts our minds—
Corrupts our children’s minds
Into thinking they have to be something they’re not—
A size their not—
A life they don’t want to live—
Since when is this the only way?
WHERES FREE THOUGHT, FREE LIVING, AND FREE CHOICE?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO CONFORM TO THESE RESTRICTIONS?


WHO IS STRONG ENOUGH TO BREAK THE CYCLE
WHO IS STRONG ENOUGH

When does it end

i lay here and i think
and i think
and my mind spins and
whirls out of control-
wishing for sleep.
wishing for the power to sleep.

but my mind is too crazy;
my thoughts too heavy.
they occupy my mind 24/7
but they get louder at night
when everything's quiet
and i'm alone with myself.

as the night rolls on
and no sleep comes
the feeling of my presence becomes too much.

i am too much
my mind is too much.
i feel my thoughts spread,
spread from a tiny blossom in my brain
which becomes the roots
of which they intertwine and grow
until they're beyond my head.
they fill my room and they become too much.
i am too aware of them,
too aware that they are calling me to them
to process them, to deal with them-
but all i want is sleep.

i get angry, and i feel crazy,
and i toss and
i turn and i want to scream
"get out of my head and let me rest!"
but i know they will never leave,
they are a part of me.

for some people,
sleep comes easy-
they shut their eyes
and they're out for the night.
for me it is a process,
an endless torturous process.

a process, procedure;
a method.
a method that i try to figure out.
try to dissect,
find my way around.

but every night it changes,
and it's never quite the same.
there's no simple rule,
no simple cure.

there is no around,
there is only through.

so i wait out the night,
i wait out the thoughts,
until they run their course
and let me drift off.

i can't create the power to sleep,
i must let the sleep come to me.

Tears fall down my face
But no one seems to notice
In a crowded room of students
Because I’m invisible.

Tears fall down my face
But no one seems to notice
But all I want is for someone
To wipe them away
And ask me if I’m okay.

Tears fall down my face
But no one seems to notice.

Like a fire that consumes all before it
Like a voice that takes a hold and never loosens,
Never lets go of her grip.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Rips your insides to shreds,
Your self worth into millions of shards.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving you stranded and broken
Leaving you alone in your world.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
All of your thoughts and actions
All of your pitiful bones.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving nothing in its wake
Leaving nothing but fog and haziness.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving you staring in a mirror,
Hating your reflection.
Like a fire that consumes all before it,
Burning everything in its path to ash,
Leaving blood and tears scattered across the ground.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Taking your old life in its flames
And leaving your body to reconstruct anew.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving your future open ended
Your crystal ball cloudy.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Like a fire that consumes all before her
Like a fire that consumes your thoughts
Like a fire that consumes Y o u .

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And continue with my day
And hide all the pain I feel inside.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And talk to my parents
And pretend that nothing is wrong.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And go to school
And talk about nothing with people that mean nothing to me.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And pretend that I don’t want to scream
To anyone who’d stop to listen.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that hopefully someone will see it
And take it off.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that maybe someone someday will care enough
To help me.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that when I dream about things like that
I don’t actually believe they will happen.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that I can come home at the end of the day
And finally remove it.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So in the privacy of my room
I can cry for hours and no one will think a thing.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So no one will worry
And I’ll be “fine.”

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So maybe you’ll see how happy I am
And you’ll notice me.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that someday someone will love me enough to know when it’s gone.

I want to discover you
To peel your layers back-
I want to find you
So you can find yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want to stare into your teary eyes
And be the one to tell you
It’s all going to be all right and you’ll get through
Because I’ll help you
So you can help yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want you to know you’ll always be safe with me-
That I’ll always be here to welcome you home
Be a shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold
So you can find strength
     In this mess we call life.

I wish you’d look at me and see beauty—
Something you’d want to hold close to you—
My hand against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see my light—
Make me see it—
My sun against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and accept me—
So maybe I can accept me too—
My confidence against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see the love of your life—
Someone you can laugh with—
My heart against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see beauty—
See trust and hope and life—
My love against yours.

I cry for all this hurt in the world
For all the pain and suffering

I cry for all the people who don’t deserve what they get
For the kind soul that goes to jail
For drug possession
When he’s so lost and so depressed
He didn’t know what he got into in the first place

I cry for this world we live in
For all the judgments wired in our brains
When did we become such critiques of people
Who were already set in their ways

I cry for our sanity
I cry for the sanity I had but is lost
I cry because it should not have been taken from me

I cry for my self worth
And the self worth of many who believe their worth is nil
I cry for the extent of pain we feel
Just to receive a glimmer of acceptance
I cry for the pain I put myself through

I cry for anyone and everyone who’s cried (hopelessly)
I hurt for anyone and everyone who’s hurt (themselves)
I feel for anyone and everyone who’s felt (alone)
I die for anyone and everyone who’s dead (inside)

Forgive me for falling
But I cannot stand myself upright

Forgive me for staring
But I refuse to let your beauty out of sight

Forgive me for telling
But the words were clawing at my mouth

Forgive me for caring

Its weird to look back,
I can see how much you liked me in your eyes
And it hurts me too much
To know you’ll never look at me like that again

Because I was blind back then
Too caught up in my head
And then I messed it all up with you
And now you couldn’t care less

So I’m left missing you,
left missing your company.
Because I lost my best friend,
And whatever we could have aspired to be

I don’t want to live in the past
But I need your eyes in my future
When you look at me straight I don’t breathe
And I don’t understand how you had the courage to leave

You put out the lights in your eyes for me
And started running the opposite way
Away from your feelings and anything real
So I’m left in the cold and the rain

Anxious and waiting for these emotions to fade
For the wounds to heal, mind to clear
And the strength to move on in my heart.

I want someone who will take
my beating heart in their hands and not drop it—
in fact they would protect it,
and set it down gently but never leave—
I want someone who will always
pick my heart and hopes back up off the flat stone,
lift me out of the clouds and into clarity—
I want someone who will keep me
Happy, keep me alive—

*

2-15-12
im so terribly alone, wallowing in my own misery
its like if i lose the weight ill solve the mystery
like ill finally be happy, be free
from all this insanity
but im only digging myself in deeper
letting this voice be the speaker
letting it overcome my soul, my temple
letting her decide what i eat
how i think, how i speak

I feel so weak
When I eat
I feel so weak
When I bite
I feel so weak
But I cant stop the cycle
I feel so weak
But I binge and I binge
I feel so weak
But I eat until there’s nothing left.

Nothing left—
And my stomach aches with fullness
And I long to be empty
Like the new morn
And wallow in my thoughts
And dance on the edges of my bones.

But that I did days before
Has just been undone
In mere seconds
Because I’ve eaten my weight
In candies and chips
And unnecessary tastes
That I don’t need on my plate.

But my out-of-mind state continues to fools me
And I munch until I’m sick
And stripped of my desire
And all my work becomes dust
And my loss becomes gain
And my effort becomes mist
And I’m left to begin again.

Why do I lack the precious self control?
The will to say ‘no thank you’
In the face of a sweet
Or a meat or a snack.
How do I gain the precious self control?
The force to be strict
In the face of temptation
Or a growling stomach.

But yet companionship
Does not promise a cure
To loneliness—
And food does not
Promise a cure
To hunger—
And blood
Does not promise a cure
To pain—

While buried in sin—
Reluctant to give in—
Answers come from within

~~
it’s a shame what I seek
I cannot achieve—

perfection

~~
if there’s more to life
why don’t I see it—
if there’s more to experience
why don’t I feel it—
why am I blind—
why am I numb—

the pale rays of sunshine
leaking through the window
on promising mornings
no longer curl my lips into a smile—
instead I awaken sad and alone—
“another day still? Another day?”

I am a hollow being
With no soul inside—
I ceased to be living
When I succumbed to my mind

~~

I must display my bones
To the world—so they see
What’s so very much a part of me.
To display my canvas—my thoughts—
So they can be taught—
So I will be skinny

~~

a life without pain
is a body without a heart

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

I put my faith into words
I try to articulate my feelings for you
To explain through text the emotions
Rattling through my blood and my heart

The words never seem right
The text never manages to get the point across
I wait for your response
And it is never what I hope for

But neither are the words i spoke
And I blame myself for your ignorance
Of my love for you.
Excuse me, I'm speechless

I search the cavities of my heart
Scour my brain for the lines-
The strings of letters of words 
That I must compose to let you know my cries

But I never can say the right thing 
And you never let me in
And I can see the words I speak mean nothing to you-
I can see that now 

You did all the listening 
And I did all the talking.
And when you finally spoke up
It hurt my ears and heart to listen

Just like that you end our relationship-
My mind never was enough
My body never was enough
My words never were enough 

And I'm left to wonder where exactly
The perfect words reside.

You left me all alone-
with nothing but the memories on my phone.
I wonder if I'll ever again hear your laugh,
or you utter my name through your sweet teeth-
and oh, how beautiful it sounds.
I wonder how you're feeling about me,
but then I remember you don't feel for me at all.
Never a kiss from my lips to yours
and yet you left me full of hurt and remorse.
You gave me beautiful words
and then you stole them back,
like they didn't mean the world to me.
I wonder when you'll get off my mind
but I've got too much time;
I've got too many thoughts, too many what if's-
Never a touch from your hand to mine.
Never a look suggesting feelings from your
sweet eyes to mine. So
you left me all alone-
Never being mine to start,
seems I'm the only one who can fix my unsteady heart
but there's too much pain
so I'll sit and I'll wallow away

A lonesome girl,
She'd lost hope.
She'd lost sight of herself.

She was taking a year
Off college
For "re-evaluation".
Her parents weren't too happy,
And were often mean to her.
They thought of her only as a
Messy, undetermined child.

She was walking through the
Woods one day,
And came upon a river.
She'd never seen, or
Heard about this river,
But it was the most beautiful river she'd ever seen.

She returned here
Every day on her walks,
Trying to work out her life.
This river was her safe place.
Her place to come to think,
To discover, to
Learn about her own self.

The river calmed her.
It helped her get through to the
Next day, the next step.
The river soothed her,
With it's smooth currents and
Slow, rhythmic ripples.
The river helped to heal her.

On a particularly bad day,
She stormed out of her house,
Wanting never to return.
She felt as if the people there
Wouldn't miss her at all.

She angrily walked the path to the river,
Wanting nothing more
Than to feel better.

She sat on her
Familiar patch of grass,
And looked hard at the river.
On most days, that
Would be enough.

But on that day,
It wasn't.
She was still as mad as ever.
Slowly she stood up
And walked closer and closer
To the rivers edge.

Her feet inched in the surprisingly
Warm water,
But still, nothing was happening.
It wasn't enough to
Relieve her on this day.

So she stepped in further,
Fully clothed,
Into this river.

She dove in.
At once the water consumed her.
It warmed her from the
Outside in,
And cured her of her anger.

It calmed her like it'd never
Calmed her before.
She was in bliss.
She never wanted to
Leave the water.

This girl, in this river,
Felt warm like never before.
She felt peaceful,
And hopeful. Things she
Hadn't felt
In a long time.

As she silently wished she'd
Never have to part the river,
She looked down at her body.
She gave out a small gasp;
Her fingertips, as if
Dissolving, were falling off
In little sparkling droplets of water.

As the drips
That were her fingers
Met the body
That was the river,
She felt love in her heart.
She felt as if there was
No where else she was supposed to be.
She felt safe.

She was home.

She slowly watched the
Rest of her fall into the river,
Until she became a part of it
Herself.
She was fully one with the river.

Now she flows with the currents,
And makes the ripples,
That once did so much for her.

Her eyes have lost their sparkle
She stares blankly at me
The person in front of me
Mimics my actions
Where I run my hand over fat
She runs her hand over bone
Little patches on her scalp are bald
From where hair has fallen out
Her skin is yellowish
We stare at each other for hours
Gosh she looks so ill
That poor girl needs help
She shows the truth where I show lies
I say....Look closer
Do you notice anything unusual
She stares blankly back at me without reply
You don't look like yourself