She said
My totem animal
Is an owl
As we saw one
Soar above us
With not a cloud in the sky
And the reflection
Of it’s wingspan—
It’s magnitude—
on the water
reminding me of solitude

and reminding me of an
earlier memory of a
rock path:
carved into the California
mountains and
growing to our
empowerment—
as we all walked calmly
towards the doors
I felt my neck tug my chin upwards
And point my face towards the sky—
and notice how the stars back home
paled in comparison to these
clear ones—
and out of the trees comes
a perfectly white
snow
owl that soared
above our heads

and I looked up and I
gasped and I asked
the people around me to look up
and see the owl above us
and how it was blessing us
and our experience
with our empowerment
and our movement;
I asked them and no one would answer;
They didn’t crane their
Necks to see what I saw
And I only saw the owl that night…

I wonder…
Am I the only one who
saw it fly
Because they refused to look up,
or was I really
the only one
who could see it

I brought this couch here
with new hopes for a
changed room
and it won't fit through
the door
and I brought this couch here

but nothing is right
about it's existence here
because I realized
I can't have nice things;
I destroy the change;
I put out the fire
                before it ignites;

and her first marriage
wasn't right
her second wasn't
either
but that didn't stop her
from proposing to nature
(Trust me, there were men
there
too)

and I wanted this couch here;
wanted to hire the men
and bring it up the stairs
and I did it because
I wanted it
and I can do things
myself
and I
am not hers
I'm not her baby--
I don't want to be
like her

but my new life won't fit
through the door
and I can't sit down
on the plush
in my own world
because it won't budge
pushed up against the doorframe

and so I am crying;
all hope is lost.

why don't you carve
the pain out of me
like I'm an ancient fossil;
hold my insecurities to
light, under a
magnifying glass
and marvel at the self destructing
primordial beast
biting on her own toes
or eating her brain..
and you can't even remove it
unless in
an autopsy

why is it you reappear
    just when I no longer long
to see your face besides mine,
to be inches from your eyes.
  why is it you know
         when I'm over you
so you can return again
and plague me with the same cycle
I've never gotten your logic
  and your decision making skills are poor
and you have done me no service
              but my feet won't walk away,
and I wanna peel you back at the seams
and lose my bones underneath
       the surface of your skin
and I want you to like it...
but you keep sewing yourself up
     and you've got me thinking:
there may not be many layers
       to uncover under there
except you're good at faking it
                 and you're good
                            at making me fall
                      all over again
          over my own feet...  
       over my own shoelaces  
   that you tied to the opposite side
                                 so I would trip
        and you would laugh
         and help me up, again

you're always
holding on
to your thought
               like the realness
            of it could
           bring you back
             to earth
                        let me tell you
                         something:
                        it's not really
                          tangible
                                at all

you were always scared
     & I always tried to be   strong

but I could only keep you up so long
And when the darkness consumed,
I went with you

and into your grave
               Went my hopes-
    six feet under and smothered,
starving for breath between packed earth

Your burial brought
                 the death of me
and when I swallowed
       That last pill w a swig..
..when the chair fell from underneath my "sturdy" feet...
...where my blood lay..and stained...
                         well
      I'd written you a letter in my head
(Because you could no longer
              Unfold it with your fingers,
and alas now neither can I)

because when I said
I couldn't live without you..


   and now we're both only
               stories


                            in heads

             *     *    

let me be with you
like it was always meant to be--
like the waves
must nudge the shoreline between
each breath
to flow out smoothly and
return again;
recharge
again
and with your
breath
comes my
life force
like the moon pulls
the lapping water
from serenity to storm
and in the eye comes
calmness
and in your eyes comes
peace
like the balance of
night and day:
the circular rotation of
sun and moon
creates the energy
that created you
and you being another
glory
kissing gently at
my toes,
rubbing noses
with my essence and
dancing upon the pedals
of my red rose--
you are just another
mystery of nature;
another wonder
of my world