I’m in some faraway place
In my head,
As if I could rewind
The hands of time:
I’m standing on a bridge,
Our bridge,
Waiting for you to join me,
But you never come.
I’m in your room
Sitting on your bed and
Watching harry potter,
Waiting for you to come back
From talking to your little sister,
But you don’t live here anymore.

I’m searching and searching
For you in the neighborhood
We both once occupied,
But I find not a trace.
You’re not anywhere
In my physical realm—
Not here, nor there,
And certainly not under that—
But you’re everywhere
In my heart

I wish that I’d recorded
Every conversation we ever had,
Because then I’d have
Almost a year’s worth of material—
Of you and me—
To watch over and over,
So I can further delay
My getting over you

Please just drown me
And forget I ever existed
Because then at least
I wont spend my days
In vivid remembrance
Of your almost embrace—
Instead ill spend them
At the bottom of the sea
With frozen open eyes
And breathless lungs—
A free mind,
And peace in my heart

You are the only thing
That made me feel important
For as long as I have lived
And those simple gifts you
Bestowed upon me—
Time, effort, patience
Kind words and friendship—
Kept me afloat when I carried
The weight of an anchor
On my insecure shoulders

What a kind soul you were
So easy for me to trust
And depend on
So simple for me to talk too,
Taught me to be open
And that people aren't
So bad

What a kind heart you were,
We spent so much time together
Without boredom crusting
Behind our eyes-
With free flowing words
And never a moments silence
Or lull in conversation

What a kind man you were
A gentleman,
A listen to your gut kind of guy-
No wonder,
I didn't deserve you

What a gentle soul you were
Always trying to comfort me,
Or let me down easy

What a ****** up person I was
To let myself become
Entangled in you
And all we could be

What a sad life I was leading
To always need your help
But depend too strongly
Until the breaking point,
Until you turned to go

What a disappointment I am
For me to have lost you
You and your kind soul  
To never touch,
Speak or listen to
Mine again

I can get up
Get ready,
Go out
With my “friends”

Celebrate the beginning
Of a year
So similar to all the others

I can sit here
In my bed
And mope about the
Past;
Past people
Past home
Past life

I can lay here
Sick
To my stomach,
In my heart

Listening to the cheers
Around me;
The rosy-cheeked faces
Of a little too much
Champagne

Only living in my mind
To a year behind
From this day,
I could only call it a
Celebration,
Because I was with you

And you watched me
When I fell,
Helped me up and
Stopped the torture

Now,
One year later
You’re not here
And I’m crying
As I’m falling
And falling

the sharp cut of the ink
temporarily tattoos
the A into my palm

“A”
for awake,
not lying in a cocoon
of blankets and pillows
but up and about
throughout the day;
awake

“A”
for alive,
with a readable pulse
and a flush
to the cheeks—
able to move, to speak;
alive

the thin drawn line
of the tip to skin
form the capital letter A
traced into the usual
clean canvas
of my inner hand,

laced with meaning,
singed with regret
flaming in the ashes
of how I remember things to be

awake, alive,
asleep, abandoned,

dead

So why is school, life
And life, school

Born for elementary
To learn to count the numbers,
Memorize the letters of the alphabet
And work the way up to the
Table
Stacked with multiplication
Problems

Just to climb to
Middle school
With ****** little
*******—
Their prissy little
Cliques—
That make or break you,
Decide your fate

And high school
Tries to even out the awkwardness,
With the cloud of the
Future
Hanging over your head
And still studying
For what, well,
You’re not quite sure

To grow up:
End up working at
A job that
Churns your stomach;
Curls your extended fingers and
Stretched palms
Into fists

To walk on with an
Empty face
And stare into the eyes of many
Empty
People, trudging along
With the same education
As you.