I was never really shy, I
was just quiet
brought up and caught up
in secrets, I
had to disappear
into hair dye, another guy, I
hid
and covered
rid
then discovered
that I was just a kid, I
was a product of how I was brought up
once free from the misery, I
found myself in his memories, he
was never really shy

My guardian angel takes the wheel when a sad song
shuffles from my iPod to my car stereo speakers
then fills the space inside until I am paralyzed
with beats and lyrics from a former lover who said
His songs were about me

My guardian angel presses my foot to the break
before the melody drives me into anything solid
a desperate attempt to crash my mind filled with these
memories of him that demean my existence because
His songs were never about me

My guardian angel kills the battery of my iPod
and shuffles me a song of nature outside my window
as if to remind me I am no longer confined
to a definitive space, an isolating factor- to a car, to a man,
*Or to his songs

I’ve been spending too much time alone
My thoughts like vapor mystify and gently
float into my eyes
watering my memories
remind me of what used to be
Of course I dwell upon the past
because I know I can defeat it
I look over my shoulder now
with no hands around my neck
the grip that used to have hold
gradually became my home
now Im crippled by my yearning
another grip to keep me down
when I only worried to survive
I did not need to feel loved

I’ve learned to be dishonest
so you will never know
how sad that I can get
because others before
have listened to my story
and never again
were they the same

I watched your happiness shining
A great light, resting
in the palm of your hands
it was beautiful as it pulled
a song straight from your soul
your heartstrings unraveled
conducted a classical piano quartet
that danced into your ears
I could not hear this music
but I could see how it made you laugh
your smile seemed eternal
I was so happy in this moment
watching such joy elude from within you
I could feel the lights warmth from a distance
but in my hands
Its warmth froze over
Its light dimmed lifeless
Its music silenced abruptly
I blamed myself
and I haven’t seen you smile since

I don’t understand
how he can carve a moment
into a milestone
and leave it in my heart

I don’t understand
how he can stir the months
into memories
as if we never were apart

I don’t understand
how he can tame the madness
into magic
that makes my love restart

But I do understand
how he made a conversation
shared over pizza
feel like a work of art

What I envy most is that you’ll never wake with this kind of suffocating sadness that feels like it eats away at something behind your ribcage. Not quite your heart because in this type of sadness it retreats to its place of repair. Maybe your lungs, for breathing feels **** near impossible. You’ll never wake with your chest so heavy. You’ll never wake with a fist punched into your stomach twisting you nauseous. You’ll never wake with paralyzed limbs that prevent you from moving. You’ll never wake wishing you never woke. But because of this, you’ll never wake next to the love of your life. You’ll never wake up to know love. And I don’t envy you at all.

Through days spent hollow
With quiet words to swallow
This is what I’ve come to learn
As the candles flicker
Relaxes quicker
Slave chained to its burn
The saddest story
Dumbstruck with glory
Yelled at me to yearn
An envious green
Your power unseen
Makes my hatred turn

All seemingly right
Through misleading spite
I lay my day down with the sunset
Dreams pulling my hand
Leading with demand
To focus on greater regret
Here I give you my weight
As acceptable fate
With sighs misting a bet
You haggled and flawed
Still stealthily crawled
Creeping in until memory set

Dearest Heartbreaker,
Wounded lies
Missed moments
Lost ties
Faded memories
You pretend
Heighten walls
Dead end

Dearest Heartbroken,
Loud cries
Silent regret
Love dies
Self centered
Time blends
Hopeless romantic
Start again

Forever unhappy.
These words echo throughout my mind searching for a landing spot
as if my mind was made up of cliffs, instead of a straight cave.
                         Damage done throughout the years
      has broken off
                           pieces
                                 of matter
                                             from the sides,
seemingly making me unstable
when in reality each groove offers security to those
brave enough to enter my darkness and venture forth.
                  Forever unhappy
has become the theme of my penitentiary.
He wrote it as I felt it,
                    but when the earth shook with our last kiss it still didn’t budge.  
Emancipation- if there is such a thing- has failed to find me
                                                             despite the fact that I left.
I took a liberty walk into a straightjacket because the truth is:
                          I cannot escape him.
Since his absence, I have lost feeling. If I’m not preoccupied, I’m numb.
I press through the day normally
                 except for the occasional external
                                  faltering to submission
                                                    in doses of anxiety attacks
where my hyperventilation becomes a rhythm of its own
until I find myself distracted once again.
I’m forcing myself to be more involved with life, but it’s false hope.
                                  I know he resides in me,
waiting rather impatiently for my return. Lurking like a demon,
yet shadowed to preserve innocence
so when the light renders him different, we can both blame my vision.